This seems to happen far too often

[Nexus One]

I'd like some advice on my situation, especially from men. I'm a 21 year old college junior. I'm attractive, smart, and very open-minded; however, I have never had a single fulfilling relationship. Ever. I am a virgin, which is surprising to most people. I just want to get more out of sex than physical pleasure, you know? At the same time though, I am a pretty free spirited girl. I don't want to be tied down nor do I want to tie someone else down. I just want to spend time with someone who cares about me as a friend, because I think that makes anything sexual more pleasurable and I want a bit of substance in the relationship (even if we're just good friends). I'm sure a lot of people can agree with that. I'm not a prude or anything, but that doesn't mean I'm going to put out immediately. While I don't want a relationship necessarily I also don't want to rush things, which I don't think is too much to ask. I've just "let things happen" twice before and both guys turned out to be *******s, so I feel like I owe it myself to wait. It's frustrating though because a lot of my close girlfriends put out almost immediately and it usually sparks some sort of fling. So, is it me? Does the fact that I still have my virginity scare guys away? Am I going about dating completely wrong? Lol. I just don't know, it really bothers me.

 

Like someone else mentioned in this thread. Many if not most guys just want sex and the guys that don't want or expect that immediately and want something deeper tend to be in the minority (in my experience), so yes you'll have to wait with putting out to weed out the guys who are only looking for quick NSA sex.

 

Secondly, you have to be ABSOLUTELY clear and direct to those guys in regards to what you are looking for.

 

I don't even understand what you want from reading your post. I'll make guess as to what you meant so here it goes: "I want sex, but I want it to be more meaningful than that, I want to be friends too, however I do not want to be tied down, I still want to sleep with other guys too while I'm sleeping with you."

 

That's not clear enough to me, because even though I suspect you mean that, I'm still not sure. So here's my suggestion to you if you mean something else that I suspect you could mean: "I want an exclusive boyfriend and girlfriend relationship, I want it to be meaningful, but I don't want it to get so serious right away where marriage is the immediate goal. I want to go about it in a way where we both will just see how it goes and go from there. Laid back and no pressure, just enjoy each other as girlfriend and boyfriend for however long it lasts."

 

If that's what you mean, then you are basically looking for the same thing I want, HOWEVER you're not saying it that way. If that's what you want then you're giving guys a completely different idea. In that case you're miscommunicating to them.

 

The way you say it would attract the guys who only want sex, but you would scare away guys that want a 'boyfriend+girlfriend' relationship, because they think you don't want to be exclusive, those guys think you want to sleep around. So they can't put their finger on what you want. They think you want sex+friendship+sleep around. However, the guys attracted to that configuration tend to only be interested in the sex part and yes, then you'll often tend to attract @ssholes.

 

Clear, direct and tactful language. Explain things in baby steps and short sentences. That's how you make men understand what you want. Write it down in the most simple way you can before saying it if you have to.

Edited September 28, 2011 by Nexus One

[maysj18]

Geeeeeeez. Okay, let me straighten things out.

 

1) I am religious, BUT that's neither here nor there. That's not why I am the way I am. I'm the way I am because I'm smart and I'm not going to jump into bed with a guy just because he's handsome and tells me what I want to hear.

 

2) I will NOT be ready for marriage in four years. If that's the kind of girl I was, I'd be in a relationship right now. I'm at least 10 years away from that considering I have grad school beginning in just a year or two.

 

3) I would not get into a relationship automatically with marriage on my mind. What I meant when I said "Serious means I see a promising future with someone, such as marriage. It's a hefty title, for me at least." is that this is how I see dating: casual dating either stays casual or turns into a relationship which either ends or turns into marriage. If I'm nowhere close to wanting to be married, why would I want a relationship? I want to be settled and adjusted before I allow myself venture past casual into serious. Obviously there are always going to be those times where you make exceptions, because life happens. That's just my objective way of looking at things.

 

4) When I said "I don't want to tie someone down, etc.", I probably should have worded that differently. That does NOT mean I want to sleep around. I am definitely a one guy kind of girl. If I'm spending time with someone, I'm very content seeing them and only them for however long it lasts. I do expect that in return, which is yet another reason I wait to get sexual because I want to make sure that they're okay with that and they'll honor it. In a commitment, you have to sacrifice a lot of freedom (usually) that you had when you were single. Obviously. I just want to be able to go out with my friends without the clinginess that comes with having a boyfriend. Me and most people my age are in a huge transition period right now. Medical school, graduate school, careers, etc. Who knows where we'll end up? When you're in a relationship with someone, you're allowing them to take major priority in your life, which is a very positive thing, but I just don't see how that's fair to do at my age when we're all really confused anyways.

 

Like I said though, there are always exception. If I meet some really chill guy who enjoys spending time with me, respects my alone time and time out with my friends, and who I can trust/trusts me then I'll rethink my stance on developing something exclusive and serious, even though that means waiting 7-10 years before getting married.

 

How about now? All cleared up?

[Nexus One]

Geeeeeeez. Okay, let me straighten things out.

 

1) I am religious, BUT that's neither here nor there. That's not why I am the way I am. I'm the way I am because I'm smart and I'm not going to jump into bed with a guy just because he's handsome and tells me what I want to hear.

 

2) I will NOT be ready for marriage in four years. If that's the kind of girl I was, I'd be in a relationship right now. I'm at least 10 years away from that considering I have grad school beginning in just a year or two.

 

3) I would not get into a relationship automatically with marriage on my mind. What I meant when I said "Serious means I see a promising future with someone, such as marriage. It's a hefty title, for me at least." is that this is how I see dating: casual dating either stays casual or turns into a relationship which either ends or turns into marriage. If I'm nowhere close to wanting to be married, why would I want a relationship? I want to be settled and adjusted before I allow myself venture past casual into serious. Obviously there are always going to be those times where you make exceptions, because life happens. That's just my objective way of looking at things.

 

4) When I said "I don't want to tie someone down, etc.", I probably should have worded that differently. That does NOT mean I want to sleep around. I am definitely a one guy kind of girl. If I'm spending time with someone, I'm very content seeing them and only them for however long it lasts. I do expect that in return, which is yet another reason I wait to get sexual because I want to make sure that they're okay with that and they'll honor it. In a commitment, you have to sacrifice a lot of freedom (usually) that you had when you were single. Obviously. I just want to be able to go out with my friends without the clinginess that comes with having a boyfriend. Me and most people my age are in a huge transition period right now. Medical school, graduate school, careers, etc. Who knows where we'll end up? When you're in a relationship with someone, you're allowing them to take major priority in your life, which is a very positive thing, but I just don't see how that's fair to do at my age when we're all really confused anyways.

 

Like I said though, there are always exception. If I meet some really chill guy who enjoys spending time with me, respects my alone time and time out with my friends, and who I can trust/trusts me then I'll rethink my stance on developing something exclusive and serious, even though that means waiting 7-10 years before getting married.

 

How about now? All cleared up?

 

Better, but I still don't understand the bold part. So you DON'T want a boyfriend?

 

So let me reconfigure my understanding then. In that case you want a 'friends with benefits' situation I guess. You want to have sex and to be friends with the guy and it should be exclusive, i.e. an exclusive FWB situation with an open ending. Correct?

Edited September 28, 2011 by Nexus One

[maysj18]

Better, but I still don't understand the bold part. So you DON'T want a boyfriend?

 

So let me reconfigure my understanding then. In that case you want a 'friends with benefits' situation I guess. You want to have sex and to be friends with the guy and it should be exclusive, an exclusive FWB with an open ending. Correct?

 

What do you mean open ending?

 

But yeah, basically. I don't consider someone my boyfriend until we have a relationship status, so no I don't want a "boyfriend".

[Nexus One]

What do you mean open ending?

 

But yeah, basically. I don't consider someone my boyfriend until we have a relationship status, so no I don't want a "boyfriend".

 

With open ending I mean that it can go either way over a period of time, that you guys at one point either break up or decide to stay together and even perhaps marry in the future. I.e. an open ending, an undecided ending where there is no defined goal and pressure to work towards that goal.

 

Ok so I think I have this down now, you want: sex + friendship (but he will not be your boyfriend) + exclusivity + an open ending.

 

Does that sound about right?

 

And you problem right now is that you've only been able to attract guys that only wanted the sex part of the entire package, right?

Edited September 28, 2011 by Nexus One

[maysj18]

With open ending I mean that it can go either way over a period of time, that you guys at one point either break up or decide to stay together and even perhaps marry in the future. I.e. an open ending, an undecided ending where there is no defined goal and pressure to work towards that goal.

 

Ok so I think I have this down now, you want: sex + friendship (but he will not be your boyfriend) + exclusivity + an open ending.

 

Does that sound about right?

 

And you problem right now is that you've only been able to attract guys that only wanted the sex part of the entire package, right?

 

Yes. To all of the above. If all you mean by exclusivity is that it's not kept a secret, then yes I want that. I don't expect any forms of PDA or whatever, though.

[Cypress25]

I just want to be able to go out with my friends without the clinginess that comes with having a boyfriend.

 

A boyfriend shouldn't stop you from going out with your friends or having alone time. You should absolutely be able to have a boyfriend and have your own life at the same time. Boyfriends shouldn't be clingy. That's not a normal way to be in a healthy relationship.

 

When you're in a relationship with someone, you're allowing them to take major priority in your life

 

That's not true. Yes, your significant other should be an important part of your life, but that doesn't mean he should take priority over everything else. You seem to have a warped idea of relationships, as if a relationship would take over your entire life. Healthy relationships aren't like that.

 

If I meet some really chill guy who enjoys spending time with me, respects my alone time and time out with my friends, and who I can trust/trusts me

 

That sounds like a normal relationship to me. If a guy didn't fit that description, why would you be dating him at all?

 

I guess I'm just confused because I never heard of waiting until you're ready for marriage before getting into a relationship. I mean, I'm nowhere near ready for marriage, but I've had exclusive relationships before, since I was 18. I didn't expect to marry any of my previous boyfriends, but that didn't stop me from enjoying relationships with them. I always figured people are ready for a boyfriend/girlfriend long before they're ready for marriage. You might marry the person, you might not. What difference does it make?

 

I am definitely a one guy kind of girl. If I'm spending time with someone, I'm very content seeing them and only them for however long it lasts. I do expect that in return

 

So what do you call that, if not a relationship? Sounds like a monogamous/exclusive relationship to me. Is it just the label that you have a problem with?

[Cypress25]

Yes. To all of the above.

 

OMG. He just described a typical relationship, and you're like "yes, I want that." But you don't want to call it a relationship?! Do you speak English?

 

If all you mean by exclusivity is that it's not kept a secret, then yes I want that.

 

Exclusivity means you're monogamous. As in, two people dating each other, and not dating anyone else. Usually that's boyfriend/girlfriend, but apparently you don't like the word "boyfriend"?

[Nexus One]

Yes. To all of the above. If all you mean by exclusivity is that it's not kept a secret, then yes I want that. I don't expect any forms of PDA or whatever, though.

 

With exclusivity I meant that you two will not have sex with other people, but only with each other while the agreement lasts.

 

Here's my combo by the way: girlfriend + meaningful exclusive relationship + sex + an open ending, but where we would ideally stay together for life, however we'll see how it goes and decide where we want to go from there based on how things go. A relationship without the pressure to get married or have kids, those are all options if things go so well that we'd both want that.

So while there would be an open ending to take the pressure off the relationship, there would be an ideal we'd both have, but we wouldn't put pressure to push for that ideal artificially. Things should evolve naturally.

[Nexus One]

OMG. He just described a typical relationship, and you're like "yes, I want that." But you don't want to call it a relationship?! Do you speak English?

 

No I described an exclusive FWB. A guy that is a friend with benefits would provide the sex she wants plus friendship, but it wouldn't evolve into a deep and loving bond like would happen with a boyfriend.

[Cypress25]

I must have missed the part where you said it would never evolve into a deep and loving bond. I thought you were leaving the possibility open to go either way.

[maysj18]

Things should evolve naturally.

 

That is EXACTLY what I want. I feel like trying to put a title on things adds too much pressure. It's overwhelming and I usually automatically feel smothered. I guess I'm a commitment phobe? and that I automatically assume that a relationship is smothering? That's just how I feel as soon as a title gets thrown around.

[Nexus One]

I must have missed the part where you said it would never evolve into a deep and loving bond. I thought you were leaving the possibility open to go either way.

 

Yes the ending is open, but it starts to get more defined the closer she comes to that point in 4 years time where she gets ready for a boyfriend + marriage.

[maysj18]

Although I guess I know deep down that what I want is basically a relationship, but honestly the title freaks me out. I don't know why.

[Cypress25]

That is EXACTLY what I want. I feel like trying to put a title on things adds too much pressure. It's overwhelming and I usually automatically feel smothered. I guess I'm a commitment phobe? and that I automatically assume that a relationship is smothering? That's just how I feel as soon as a title gets thrown around.

 

Yeah, I hate to tell you, but that's how normal relationships work. They evolve naturally and they're not smothering. So you can avoid the title of "relationship" but it's still the same thing. Relationship is just a noun, it doesn't have to be overwhelming. Try telling guys that you want a relationship, you just don't want to call it a relationship because the word scares you. They'll go cross-eyed, lol.

[maysj18]

Yeah, I hate to tell you, but that's how normal relationships work. They evolve naturally and they're not smothering. So you can avoid the title of "relationship" but it's still the same thing. Relationship is just a noun, it doesn't have to be overwhelming. Try telling guys that you want a relationship, you just don't want to call it a relationship because the word scares you. They'll go cross-eyed, lol.

 

 

Nahhh, I don't say anything about relationships scaring me. Basically I cover the fact that they do up with lots of bull**** like I've been saying for the last few posts, only to realize I'm a commit phobe. Awesome. I mean, I guess at least it's clear as day now? Where to go from here?

[Nexus One]

Although I guess I know deep down that what I want is basically a relationship, but honestly the title freaks me out. I don't know why.

 

Perhaps you feel a relationship is closely linked to marriage and therefor you feel it would lock you into great responsibility and pressure immediately.

 

But in this day and age with modern relationships that's no longer the case I think, perhaps only in very conservative communities.

 

I suspect most people expect boyfriend-girlfriend relationships these days to have open endings, which takes the pressure off of things and allows for things to evolve more naturally.

 

However it of course depends on the people in the relationship, that means you'd need to find a guy that's compatible with what you want. That makes it come down to good communication.

[maysj18]

Perhaps you feel a relationship is closely linked to marriage and therefor you feel it would lock you into great responsibility and pressure immediately.

 

I agree whole-heartedly. I guess I automatically assume if that's how I feel about relationships, that's how everyone else feels. So, when the person brings it up, I automatically freak out.

[Nexus One]

I agree whole-heartedly. I guess I automatically assume if that's how I feel about relationships, that's how everyone else feels. So, when the person brings it up, I automatically freak out.

 

In this day and age, boyfriends no longer automatically become husbands, but it doesn't hurt to clearly communicate to a guy what you want. At first it's always a question mark what the other person wants. That's why communication is so important, because not only do your personalities need to be compatible, also your goals in terms of where you want to go with the relationship need to be compatible.

Edited September 28, 2011 by Nexus One