This seems to happen far too often

[maysj18]

I'd like some advice on my situation, especially from men. I'm a 21 year old college junior. I'm attractive, smart, and very open-minded; however, I have never had a single fulfilling relationship. Ever. I am a virgin, which is surprising to most people. I just want to get more out of sex than physical pleasure, you know? At the same time though, I am a pretty free spirited girl. I don't want to be tied down nor do I want to tie someone else down. I just want to spend time with someone who cares about me as a friend, because I think that makes anything sexual more pleasurable and I want a bit of substance in the relationship (even if we're just good friends). I'm sure a lot of people can agree with that. I'm not a prude or anything, but that doesn't mean I'm going to put out immediately. While I don't want a relationship necessarily I also don't want to rush things, which I don't think is too much to ask. I've just "let things happen" twice before and both guys turned out to be *******s, so I feel like I owe it myself to wait. It's frustrating though because a lot of my close girlfriends put out almost immediately and it usually sparks some sort of fling. So, is it me? Does the fact that I still have my virginity scare guys away? Am I going about dating completely wrong? Lol. I just don't know, it really bothers me.

[thatone]

you can't have a casual committed relationship. it doesn't work that way.

 

so yeah, you do want to tie someone else down. or you don't, in which case you can just have casual sex.

 

but you have to have either/or, you can't have both.

 

so that explains why you haven't found what you want. it doesn't exist. you string a guy along while you make up your mind for a month or two and then tell him you "don't want a relationship" and he's gonna walk away, as i'm sure you've noticed. so decide which one you want and go do it, pretty simple.

[dizy]

it's not you. try to think of it as classy than an old virgin =). You know what you want and it's perfect that way, why look around and force yourself to be someone else just because "all your friends behave that way"? I am not a guy so I can't tell you what guys think, but I do know a lot of male friends who look for way more than just sex. yes sex might be essential when the relationship gets more intense and it will be natural. so don't force yourself. and btw, I also know awesome guys who will never date girls who slept with the entire neighborhood so... yeah... =) just be yourself and enjoy life

[Untouchable_Fire]

You sound like a great girl, but I'm totally confused about what you want.

 

A casual relationship with a friend and sex? That sounds like you want a ****Buddy... and rarely if ever have I met a guy that respected his FWB... or even had deep feelings of friendship.

 

Being a virgin doesn't scare guys off at all. I would say your problem is that you meet guys who are interested in sex and are not good at faking the friendship part yet... so they try to get laid and when it doesn't happen they show their cards and leave.

 

Does that sound accurate?

[Voldar]

I'd like some advice on my situation, especially from men. I'm a 21 year old college junior. I'm attractive, smart, and very open-minded; however, I have never had a single fulfilling relationship. Ever. I am a virgin, which is surprising to most people. I just want to get more out of sex than physical pleasure, you know? At the same time though, I am a pretty free spirited girl. I don't want to be tied down nor do I want to tie someone else down. I just want to spend time with someone who cares about me as a friend, because I think that makes anything sexual more pleasurable and I want a bit of substance in the relationship (even if we're just good friends). I'm sure a lot of people can agree with that. I'm not a prude or anything, but that doesn't mean I'm going to put out immediately. While I don't want a relationship necessarily I also don't want to rush things, which I don't think is too much to ask. I've just "let things happen" twice before and both guys turned out to be *******s, so I feel like I owe it myself to wait. It's frustrating though because a lot of my close girlfriends put out almost immediately and it usually sparks some sort of fling. So, is it me? Does the fact that I still have my virginity scare guys away? Am I going about dating completely wrong? Lol. I just don't know, it really bothers me.

 

Okay the thing is I kind of agree with thatone above. However, the other problem is most guys want to have sex, so that becomes an issue. There are the handful of us who don't expect sex right away. But if I found out that you didn't want sex right away, I'd be okay that's fine... However, if I found out you also didn't want to "tie someone else down" I'd be wary.

 

I say this because I actually see this on dating sites "I don't want anyone to tie me down..." I, as a guy, automatically think well I don't want to try to tie you down or you'll just feel like I'm a splinter in your side versus your significant other. Then I move on to the next girl.

 

But Dizy is correct, there are guys who aren't looking for the girl who has been with every guy on the block/street. I am one of those guys. So to improve your chances you have to choose the viable options as thatone said. Or... get really really lucky and find a guy who is looking exactly what you're looking for, and judging by the way some of my male co-workers act, that would be no easy feat.

[maysj18]

Exactly. Everything you all are saying is true or something I can agree with.

 

I DON'T want to go into something expecting a relationship or anything serious. I feel like that puts way too much pressure on the situation, whereas just taking it slow and seeing what happens makes things feel more natural. You get to know each other on your own terms and set the pace. I would never string someone along or be against the idea of getting into a relationship later on down the road if that's what the guy wanted. A serious relationship is just not my main goal right now. I would never want to jump into something like that too fast. Again though, I'm not opposed to the idea if it was a mutual decision and we knew each other well.

 

I also agree that many guys leave when they realize they're not getting any. Many times I'll say no and five seconds later they're trying again. I get called a "tease" a lot and it's frustrating, because I'm straight up with my boundaries from the beginning and I make sure they're okay with it. They usually say yes and not even 5 seconds later they're trying to go down my pants again. That turns me off so much if it happens frequently, so I usually end it. It doesn't offend me or anything like that (because I completely understand the sexual frustration that develops from having "boundaries"), but it shows they're really after one thing. I also feel like if I ever let my guard down and finally gave in to those types of guys (which I have before), it would be because I want them to stick around. That is never healthy and it never works.

 

Does that make sense?

 

Coming from a guy's perspective, does putting out immediately usually make you think of the girl as a hook up only or does it depend on the situation?

[TheSingleGuy]

Most women sleep with me on the first date...that is, if they don't blow me off and not go on the first date, which most women do...that said, here's how it goes down in the male mind...at least mine.

 

After I've been dating a girl for a while, I can't get over the fact that she slept with me on the first date. It's not something I'd want in a potential wife. I end up breaking up with them and use that as part of the reason. (I don't tell them this, but it's what I'm thinking.)

 

However, on the flip side, if I go out with her a few times and she won't sleep with me, I start assuming, probably incorrectly, that she's not that into me. This has only happened once, right after my divorce, I went out with a girl 5 times before she slept with me.

 

Hope that helps.

[maysj18]

Most women sleep with me on the first date...that is, if they don't blow me off and not go on the first date, which most women do...that said, here's how it goes down in the male mind...at least mine.

 

After I've been dating a girl for a while, I can't get over the fact that she slept with me on the first date. It's not something I'd want in a potential wife. I end up breaking up with them and use that as part of the reason. (I don't tell them this, but it's what I'm thinking.)

 

However, on the flip side, if I go out with her a few times and she won't sleep with me, I start assuming, probably incorrectly, that she's not that into me. This has only happened once, right after my divorce, I went out with a girl 5 times before she slept with me.

 

Hope that helps.

 

But see, what if you were going out with me knowing how my values are? I would hope you wouldn't think I wasn't into simply because I wasn't sleeping with you. Even though I don't put out right away, I'm still very affectionate.

[simpsonic]

If I go out with her a few times and she won't sleep with me, I start assuming, probably incorrectly, that she's not that into me. This has only happened once, right after my divorce, I went out with a girl 5 times before she slept with me.

 

Sounds like she wanted to wait till you guys were exclusive before sleeping with you. If someone doesn't put out right away it doesn't mean they don't like you. I've put out early before and it never works. So the only other way is to take more time, usually until you're exclusive. That might take a few more dates, a month, whatever. Everyone's pace is different.

[Cypress25]

I would never string someone along or be against the idea of getting into a relationship later on down the road if that's what the guy wanted. A serious relationship is just not my main goal right now. I would never want to jump into something like that too fast. Again though, I'm not opposed to the idea if it was a mutual decision and we knew each other well.

 

So what you're saying is, you would like a relationship eventually but you want to take it slow, rather than rush into it. Honey, that's how most normal relationships develop. Two people go out on a few dates, get to know each other, gradually get closer, and eventually decide to become an exclusive couple if their feelings are strong enough. You seem to think that relationship = rushed, but it doesn't. No one declares a serious relationship on the first date. Most people like to take their time.

 

And you're still young. There's nothing wrong with being a 21-year-old virgin. In fact, it's quite common. Not all teenagers are having sex, believe it or not. Some people actually manage to make it to their 20's before losing their virginity. It sounds like you're a smart girl and you have a lot of self-respect. Waiting is smart because I'm sure the last thing you want to do is lose your virginity to some jerk who's just looking to get laid. There are plenty of guys out there who are willing to wait for a girl they care about.

[Cypress25]

However, on the flip side, if I go out with her a few times and she won't sleep with me, I start assuming, probably incorrectly, that she's not that into me.

 

Probably incorrectly is right! It would really help to talk to the woman you're dating to find out how she feels, instead of making assumptions. Just because she doesn't sleep with you right away doesn't mean she's not into you. Many women prefer to get to know a guy before jumping into bed with him. Personally, I won't have sex outside of committed relationships, so I'd date a guy for several months before having sex with him. I also believe in communication, which is great for clearing up false assumptions.

[make me believe]

So what you're saying is, you would like a relationship eventually but you want to take it slow, rather than rush into it. Honey, that's how most normal relationships develop. Two people go out on a few dates, get to know each other, gradually get closer, and eventually decide to become an exclusive couple if their feelings are strong enough. You seem to think that relationship = rushed, but it doesn't. No one declares a serious relationship on the first date. Most people like to take their time.

 

And you're still young. There's nothing wrong with being a 21-year-old virgin. In fact, it's quite common. Not all teenagers are having sex, believe it or not. Some people actually manage to make it to their 20's before losing their virginity. It sounds like you're a smart girl and you have a lot of self-respect. Waiting is smart because I'm sure the last thing you want to do is lose your virginity to some jerk who's just looking to get laid. There are plenty of guys out there who are willing to wait for a girl they care about.

 

I agree with all of this.

 

Have you tried dating slightly older guys? Not 35 year olds who just want a hot college girl to jerk around but someone who has graduated and moved onto the "real world", maybe someone in the 25-26 year old range? The behavior you describe of guys trying to get sexual even though you've told them upfront that you don't want to move quickly, and then calling you a tease when you assert your boundaries, is immature, manipulative, and soo disrespectful. Good for you for not putting up with it or giving in. But I think a slightly older guy would be MUCH less inclined to pull that kind of crap. They generally aren't as obsessed with getting any sex that they possibly can, and are more likely to be looking to develop a relationship than just have a f*ck buddy.

[maysj18]

So what you're saying is, you would like a relationship eventually but you want to take it slow, rather than rush into it. Honey, that's how most normal relationships develop. Two people go out on a few dates, get to know each other, gradually get closer, and eventually decide to become an exclusive couple if their feelings are strong enough. You seem to think that relationship = rushed, but it doesn't. No one declares a serious relationship on the first date. Most people like to take their time.

 

Not necessarily. If the guy really wants to we can explore that option, but just because I find someone I care for doesn't mean I want to necessarily get serious.

[Cypress25]

What does "serious" mean to you? In my experience, relationships are fun and enjoyable, so I wonder why you shy away from the possibility of a relationship. Does serious mean exclusive? Heading toward marriage? What exactly is a non-serious relationship?

[Jynxx]

 

Coming from a guy's perspective, does putting out immediately usually make you think of the girl as a hook up only or does it depend on the situation?

 

For me, putting out quickly makes you look like you like me. Nothing else; there are girls that were in my bed less than a week after knowing them that I thought of as awesome people who I wanted to see afterwards and do non-sexual relationship stuff ("a future") with, there are girls that I knew I didn't want to see again. Up till now and after the times I was really immature and inexperienced there hasn't been a girl I imagined a future together with that didn't sleep with me within a couple of days.

 

But maybe that's just me.

[maysj18]

What does "serious" mean to you? In my experience, relationships are fun and enjoyable, so I wonder why you shy away from the possibility of a relationship. Does serious mean exclusive? Heading toward marriage? What exactly is a non-serious relationship?

 

Serious means I see a promising future with someone, such as marriage. It's a hefty title, for me at least.

[Fondue]

You don't have to put out to get any form of a relationship. I must admit, I didn't read the entire thread, but I think the jist of it was you're looking for a "thing" without an incredible attachment to it, but somewhat of a commitment. You're also saying you don't want to just be used and would prefer to be comfortable with a gentlemen before venturing into the bedroom scene-- which makes absolute sense.

 

Many men would wait as long as you make it clear that you're A) interested in them, B) it is on the agenda that you will eventually have an enjoyable time together, if you know what I mean.

 

What puts many men off from dating a woman who waits is that they often rationalize it as: "well, I guess she just isn't that into me, time to move on." This is assuming of course, that this type of man isn't just in it for a hit/quit it.

 

If you can effectively communicate that you want to wait till it feels natural but you're actually INTERESTED in the dude, and not just tugging him along, then you'll be absolutely fine.

 

Honest answer here.

 

Btw, I very much doubt you can't find a man. You're in college and presumably attractive (from your face pic, not sure about the rest). This should be a cake-walk. Go find any "nice" guy and you'll be set.

[ChessPieceFace]

I'm a 35yo virgin if that makes you feel better.

 

You do sound to be a bit contradictory -- you say you want a substantive relationship for sex, but you don't want to be tied down. So then of course you wouldn't have sex. Why complain about it?

 

I don't really see a sensible question in your post. Other people can't define what dating should be for you. 21yo female virginity would not scare guys away. As for "is it you?" ... your own traits are due to you, yes. Figure out what you want and then do it. Other people can't tell you what you should want.

[Cypress25]

Why would a man invest on you if he's bound to find easy sex, from women with far more experience than you, and with no requirements?

 

I know this is hard to believe, but some guys actually like women. Yes, even guys your age. They're not just in it for sex. If they like a girl's personality and they enjoy being with her, they'll wait. Some of these guys are attractive too! You're a different type of guy (and that's fine) but I get the feeling the OP is trying to avoid that type.

 

Serious means I see a promising future with someone, such as marriage.

 

Wow, you think far ahead! I guess we have different concepts of the term "relationship." I wouldn't even start thinking about the possibility of marriage until I've been in a relationship with the guy for at least 2 years. It's certainly not something I think about in the beginning of a relationship.

 

So how would you get to that point, where you think you might marry the guy? Usually a relationship leads to that, but you're saying you wouldn't even start a relationship until you got to that point.

[make me believe]

Honey, you are attractive, but so are most of the young women attending college . Most of the women there learned that if they want a boyfriend, they have to put out and they do so because if they don't, it's not hard at all for a young man to replace the frigid girlfriend with a woman who wants to please the guy.

 

I'm in your age group. I'm not going to lie. I'm not looking for anything serious. I also don' want to be a woman's sex teacher right now, so you'd be overlooked. Why would a man invest on you if he's bound to find easy sex, from women with far more experience than you, and with no requirements?

 

I think your best bet is to date Christian men or men who don't have that much going for them. An attractive(or even average guy) in your age group is not going to wait that much for you. the capacity to have erections won't last forever, you know. A college is a beacon of endless sex for a smart man. You can't compete with that.

 

I agree. Most girls in college are attractive AND will give sex very easily. And that's all most college guys are looking for - an easy lay & some fun with a good looking girl. It's just part of the college hook-up culture. That's why I think the OP would do better if she tried to meet some guys who are a few years older.

[Cypress25]

Most girls in college are attractive AND will give sex very easily. And that's all most college guys are looking for - an easy lay & some fun with a good looking girl.

 

Honestly, it depends what college you go to. If you go to a party school, then yes, you're more likely to find guys who just want to get laid. Especially if Greek culture is a big part of campus life. But if you go to a normal college, it's not hard to find relationship-oriented people. Just stay away from the frat boys and you should be fine.

[Cypress25]

I still think the OP would have better luck with religious men, virgins like her. A man can't exactly be sexually active and then go on a diet of no sex waiting for the girlfriend to finish college(4 years at least) for him to go back to the good stuff.

 

Did the OP say she was religious? Maybe she did and I missed it. Or you're assuming that virgin = religious, which is not always the case.

 

All I know is, I've never had trouble getting guys I like, and I waited a long time to have sex. They weren't virgins either, but they waited for me. These were attractive guys who had a lot going for them, and they probably could have ditched me and found girls who were willing, but they didn't. They wanted to be with me. There are guys like that, the OP just has to find them.

[Cypress25]

She wants to marry virgin.

 

I don't actually remember her saying she wanted to wait for marriage. Is that what she said?

[Cypress25]

Did you make your boyfriends wait 4 years to have sex? The op is 21, probably just starting college. she'll be ready to marry at the age of 25.

 

Don't people usually start college at age 18? They usually graduate at age 21-22. I thought the OP was a college junior.

 

21 years old guys can wait for sex, but 4 years? really?

 

I also don't think she said she wanted to wait until after college.

[Cypress25]

Yes, that means she's in her 3rd year of college. She'll graduate next year. Man, you're all over the place, assuming she wants to wait for marriage, then assuming she wants to wait until after college, then assuming she has 4 years left of college...read the thread first, dude.