abuckeyeleaf Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 My boyfriend and I were together for seven months. We met online, he was new to the city and didn't know anyone. I wasn't interested in him, I was still hung up on my ex who to this day I feel is my soul mate, even if it's not on a romantic level. My friends pushed me to give this guy a chance, so I kept seeing him. It turns out he was younger than me and I didn't know that until our second date. He was 23, I'm 25. It turns out i was his first girlfriend and his first, well, everything. I slowly opened up to him and found myself falling for him. It was like we made complete sense, we would think the same thing at the same time and he took me home to meet his family, and he met mine when they came to visit. We live about an hour apart on opposite sides of the city because I bought a home in a location I could afford. But I was planning on leasing the house and moving back to be close to him. We broke up about 4 months in, I let my abandonment fears rear their ugly head and ended up giving an ultimatum. Bad, bad idea, I know. He came over to talk and we slept together, and then he ended things. I fell apart. I took a few weeks and realized how wrong the ultimatum was, and loved him so much I was willing to overlook how he ended things. So we ended up getting back together and things were wonderful for three months. We hadn't been going out and doing many activities, so I had signed us up for a pub crawl with some friends, we had fun on the last one we went on and we had both been working so hard that I thought it would do us some good. It seemed like he became a completely different person when we went out, he sat in the corner and wouldn't speak to anyone. I asked him if we were okay and all he said was he didn't know. The next day he came home from work for lunch and didn't speak to me, I asked if he wanted me there when he came home and he said he didn't care. I stayed and he came home after work and said he was going to take a nap. I asked him to sit down and talk to me. He pretty much lost it and yelled about how he hates that I smoke when I drink (which he knew about since we started dating and said if it ever bothered him he'd tell me) and that my he hates my dogs because we can never go on trips, which we had taken plenty of trips, my roommate had no problem dog sitting. He also said that we never have any fun and that he felt pressured to get back together. So I packed my bag to leave, and he started to bawl saying he didn't know what he wanted, he felt like I wasn't "the one" he was going to marry, and that I was pushing for marriage even if I didn't say anything about it and that he felt like he should date other people but he didn't see the point. I told him if I left I wasn't coming back because I couldn't go through the pain again. He followed me to my car crying and saying he was afraid of getting more attached to me in case it didn't work out and he only stopped crying when I agreed to give him time to think. Well a week later, he went back to college to hang with his friends and changed his status to single. I asked him to come by and talk and he did the following monday. I gave him his things and asked if we could work this out. He seemed to kind of consider it, but in the end said no. I had bought him some Christmas gifts and put them in the box of his things and he saw them and started to cry saying "do you think this is easy for me?" But ultimately he left. I suggested that maybe it was a timing issue, and that he just wasn't ready for a girl like me. As soon as I said that, that suddenly became the reason for the breakup. He also said he didn't want to get back together because he had enjoyed being single that previous weekend. Well yeah, of course it was fun when you're back in college town with your friends, but what about when you're back in this state where you have nobody? Fast forward a week later, which was last Monday. He started texting me about how he was tipsy and sending "sext" messages. I told him that he couldn't do that anymore. He started texting me the next day getting mad that I told him he couldn't do that but I could text him that i missed him. He was like "I just miss all of the good times we had" and I told him that he chose to end the good times and it wasn't fair to give me false hope. He started to pick a fight and I said I'd call him later to talk about it, we weren't going to do this at work or over text. I called him that night and he really wouldn't say anything. Finally he ended the conversation by yelling "WE CAN BE FRIENDS AND HANG OUT AND DO THINGS TOGETHER BUT WE WILL NOT GET BACK TOGETHER." I said some hateful things to him about what an ******* he was and hung up. The next day he said he didn't want me in his life, that i'm crazy and that he never loved me he was just desperate to find a girlfriend. It was a personal attack like he was trying to get me back for something, but I don't know what. He would say those mean things and then say "not so fun when someone says hurtful things is it?" Well I stopped texting. I did have to text him yesterday, he owes me $200 for a plane ticket for my cousin's wedding. Funny that he said he felt pressured ever since we got back together, but still agreed to go to this wedding. I asked him to mail it. I have a job interview in that town tomorrow. If I get it I will likely be leasing my house and moving back. Funny how now that he broke up with me we'll be that close. I don't know what to think about his behavior. I don't believe he never cared about me, but I feel like i need to take those hateful words at face value in order to move on. But I have such a hard time. I've been going out with friends alot, just trying to keep busy. But I miss him so much. I am not from this area, so I don't have a large group of close friends. He was my best friend and I know I was his. It also hurts that he would rather sit at home lonely than to be with me, because he has no one here. I don't think he's dating, he's shy and antisocial and we would have never become us if I hadn't been so outgoing. He was so happy when we were together, he would talk about it all the time. I could be a really big bitch and talk about how nobody's gonna want his man boobs or his hairy back, but deep down I love him and I don't know how to let go. I know that I can't contact him unless it's about business like the plane ticket, I have to preserve some dignity. we've been broken up for one month this coming Saturday. Thanks for giving me a place to vent. Any advice or opinions on the situation/his behavior would be greatly appreciated.
Author abuckeyeleaf Posted September 27, 2011 Author Posted September 27, 2011 Any encouraging words/opinions?
Lucio Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 he probably is too young and doesn't know how to handle the situation, especially since it's his first relationship. if he's the sort whose life had been perfect so far, you come across as a stain. i am not very optimistic about your situation, to be honest, from the stuff you've described here. too much hostility has been exchanged. i'm sure you do feel some sort of disappointment and disbelief in his behavior as well? if a guy displays such destructive resentment when you want to leave, are you sure that's the kind of guy you can spend the rest of your life with? anyway, i think you should leave him alone for now at least. no matter what he says don't get angry/irritated/affected. if you want to reply, be brief and short, do not leave the conversation open. otherwise, just don't reply.
dreamcity Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 I see certain similarities to my recently ended relationship. The need to tell us our bad points, the need to correlate being with us to not having a good time somehow. My ex will one minute say that I'm too exhausting because I want to do something every weekend and the next say that I prevent him having more of a social life. He also wants to date other women, although he's older than yours and has been with various. But some kind of manly self-esteem issue in him makes him think that sleeping with more women makes him more macho. Maybe it does. I don't know. I'm telling myself that there's just nothing I can do. If he wants to date other women, what use is there trying to stop that? If he wants to remember the bad things about our relationship--well, that's really annoying, but nagging him won't change anything. I also feel lonely... we lived abroad for so many years and I'm in a city now where I don't know so many people. I know he must be lonely...he's in another city with only some fairly superficial friends. And yep, it hurts that even knowing he'd be lonely like that, he didn't want me to come and be with him. But what can we do about it? It is what it is. I guess we just vent here.
Author abuckeyeleaf Posted September 29, 2011 Author Posted September 29, 2011 Yeah, it sucks to think that your company is worse than being lonely. I didn't delete him on Facebook just so he could see the great time I've been having "living it up." I know he thinks about me, especially since i'm the only one he's been with. His excuse for trying to text me about it was "you took my vcard, all of my good sexual experiences relate to you." Well tough buddy, you chose to end those good times. If he thinks I'm crazy, then let him go get involved with some girl that's actually crazy. But nobody's gonna give him the memories I did...took his virginity on Valentines day (not planned), showed up in a trench coat and lingerie on his birthday, all those kinds of fantasies you hear about guys having. So knowing that nobody's going to give him that, kinda makes me smile. And Lucio - i think he has serious issues about his parents divorcing, not a perfect life but very sheltered.
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