SabreDC Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 So, here's the situation. My wife and I have been married for five years, no kids. About two years ago, my wife started counseling for herself to deal with depression issues and has had tremendous success. Over the next two years, she brought up several issues for improvement. And I, like an idiot, completely ignored her concerns. Not purposefully, of course, but with the thought that things will fix themselves. She is currently getting her law degree. After months of discussion, we both decided that her best choice school is the one 2 hours away and she'd get an apartment. And, like any long distance couple, we planned to talk regularly, visit occasionally, and so on. But this past weekend, she said that she doesn't know if she wants to continue with our marriage. It caught me by surprise because I visited her the previous week and things seemed fine. But she says that her feelings have been there for two years, which I'm not sure if I believe because since that time, we've taken weekend getaways, we spent weeks out of the country, we've gone on many, many dates... and there was definitely romance. Anyway, today, she asked some hypothetical questions about divorce options. I feel like she wants to go from step 1 to 10, without structuring our separation in a way that allows her freedom to grow and think and without the possibility of counseling together. I'm in counseling now for myself for the issues the original issues that caused it and I want to give her space. But at the same time, I want to lovingly tell her that she's being ridiculous. I am 100% positive that she isn't unfaithful, although I'm not 100% sure that she doesn't want to be with someone else. I'm trying to give her time and space, although I'm not good at it. I haven't begged her yet, so I think that's a plus. I am ok with separating because I want her to continue growing and experiencing life. Should I push counseling options more? Do I let her come to that conclusion on her own knowing that she sometimes makes a decision and then tries to justify it? Do I do the one thing that got me into all the trouble and ignore it and hope it goes away? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for this forum!
fenderstrathss Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 All that space you're giving her has given her plenty of room to cheat. She is feeling this way because she is being unfaithful. Pretty much everything she is saying is classic. You need to expose the affair and make her face it or she will never make an unclouded decision. She is in affair funk at the moment and only sees getting out as an option. Once you expose the affair, she will evaluate her behaviors better and if she still wants out at that point, at least she made a somewhat more rational decision. Nothing is rational in the trows of an affair. I've seen it and pretty much everyone else on here has seen it. Are the cell phone records in your name? If so, get online or go to the cell store and check the phone records to see who she is talking to, how often, and for how long. They may be only numbers, but the frequency and duration of them can say volumes. If she is cheating, remember that absolutely nothing you have done in the past is justification for her actions. Don't fall into the blame yourself game that generally occurs at the onset of this realization. She may be in a fog, but her actions required her to make decisions and, as an adult, she should be expected to face the consequences. Good luck.
reboot Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 You couldn't be "100% positive that she isn't unfaithful" if you lived in the same house with her, much less 2 hours away. Quite frankly, it sounds like she's either seeing someone else, or at the very least found someone she wants to be seeing.
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