Black_Francis Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 (edited) Briefly: she is 25, me 31, we work together in sales at a multinational tech company. As in, sit next to each other. Harsh breakup conditions, right? :/ We were together for 10 months. It was a sweet relationship, loving and affectionate. Key information: she is a competition ballroom and latin dancer. This is stressful stuff and her former practice regime was insane. 4 to 6 times a week, three hours a session, plus competitions once a month. On top of her career and her 4 hour a day commute to work. The girl was pressured. We were/are deeply attracted to each other, which kept the relationship going, but eventually it cracked due to her stress and pressure. She was always upfront with me that she couldn't prioritise me, she was fitting me in, I was fine with that and left it to her to lead the contact. She has had a dance partner for 8 years, who is also her ex. This made the situation much worse as dance relationships can be toxically claustrophobic anyway, but on top of this, he tried to control and manipulate her. He put pressure on her to drop me. He's not a nice guy. Last three months of the relationship were awful, she had a nervous breakdown (or something similar), crying every day, white as a sheet, trembling hands, all this. Her dance partner was making her life hell, shouting every night and so on. She dropped me and the dance partner. The latter is a big thing for her, it was her dream and her priority and she walked away. After months of patience I snapped at her and said some mean things. This was six weeks ago. After a month of semi-contact at work (very tense, obviously a lot of pent up emotion) we had a chat over a week ago. I apologised for snapping. She said she feels like she lost a cornerstone of her life in me but she wants to stay in contact. I haven't sent her a single text, email, IM in that time. My emotions are in check. We're now cordial but she's obviously still in distress about everything. I can tell she has feelings for me still, I catch her looking a lot and she has told the girls at work how upset she is about the way her life is, including me. There are no other men involved, I'd find out in a heartbeat due to work gossip, and she's shy and doesn't give herself easily anyway. She genuinely needs some space to heal from the emotionally abusive dance relationship and sort herself out. I love this girl and I know she can't be with me now, it's a true case of not being able to have a relationship now (she is a total mess). She will heal with time. I'm not chasing her but I think she'll want to come back to me. She is genuine and not a player. I trust her. My dilemma is how to play it. I'm semi-moving on and dating other girls casually, but my emotions are with her. But contact: my gut tells me to keep NC (as far as possible at work) and let her initiate everything. How to play the semi contact thing at work, without playing games with her? I don't want to fall into the friend zone and always be available (selfish instinct to avoid emotional tampon trap) but I also want to let her know I would be there if the chips were down. Thoughts? Edited September 26, 2011 by Black_Francis
jordjones Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 Women want what they can't have. Push-pull theory is in play here as well. But most importantly, if you want her back, you need to give off a positive aura. Behave upbeat, happy, cocky, fun, as if you're great with life. She will not only wonder if you are over her, but you will be more attractive to everybody.
Author Black_Francis Posted September 26, 2011 Author Posted September 26, 2011 Wise words my fellow. Wise words, and advice I am taking to a tee already. I'm upbeat and playing the confident cocky chap at work and at play, in fact the last six weeks have made me realise how much fun life can be. Playing the part makes one *live and feel* the part after a while so I would advise anyone to do what you suggested :-) She's definitely picked up on it, and I think my energy and relaxed positivity have been rubbing off on her as she is perking up when I am around. She has up and down days though. Slight problem is, this stuff works well with attracting/re-attracting girls in a normal mental place, but this girl is in a seriously depressed/stressed place so there is a spin. If I come on to her in any way, she will back down. I know she'll come to me if she feels relaxed about it, but she'll need some signals that I am receptive to some contact. She is shy and lacking in self esteem at the moment. I'm really pondering how to play the contact thing with her so as not to freak her or make her feel pressured, and give space, but let her know I'm still around. It's a fine balance!
jordjones Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 Coffee date. Tease her, almost like she is your little sister. Be fun and controlled - you don't need her. The one who cares least about the relationship is the one in control... You got her if you want her back, cause you already realize that you don't need her. Slow and steady.
Author Black_Francis Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 This is working a treat by the way - in every way :-) Since my OP, I have been offhand and casual. Joking round the office, giving loads of other people attention and her...not much. The occasional smile and teasing comment. I make sure I don't gaze at her at all, although I see her eyes on me from the corner of my eye. Now as we know, women are like cats, and cats are curious. She started to approach me a lot and make sure she in my vicinity. After a few days of casual, I'm-not-that-fussed response, I invited her to join me and my toddler nephew for lunch. She said she'd let me know. The next day she text me to say she didn't think she was ready for that. I didn't reply. Cold as ice! This week she told me she regretted not going and asked me out at the weekend. I said I was busy but I'd let her know when I had some free time. In the meantime I can feel her interest and curiosity building, and in the meantime I am flirting and getting numbers form a tonne of girls and find myself caring less and less each day. Everyone's a winner here - I maximise my chance of getting the girl back, I keep her happy by making it exciting for her, and if it doesn't work out...I am having a lot of fun with other girls anyway. So guys - if you're trying to get your girl back, keep cold like an ice lolly! Enjoy!
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