LongDrivehome Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 (edited) How can I tell if I'm now in the friend zone? A quick history to help out..I understand if you don't read this if it's too long. This girl and I talked years and years ago, just online and hung out with mutual friends nothing big. We recently re-connected via facebook and we both found out we were coming out of long term relationships. We talked online and via text for about a month, A LOT. Connected really well, had lots in common, etc, etc And we eventually started hanging out. We both agreed to take things slow, which didn't end up happening. On the second "date" she kissed me goodnight. The very next day we made out a bunch, held hands, the 3rd date, the 4th date, etc etc. We didn't have sex though. Because like I said, we were trying to take things slow. About a month of hanging out a few times a week goes by, talking everyday. First person I would talk to of the day and the last person. Everyday. So then, she canceled plans with me one day, no big deal.. we made plans for a few days later, those got canceled too. Eventually, I found out that things moved way too fast and she basically got scared off. So I backed off even though we still talked everyday, just not as much. I finally asked her after a few weeks if we were just friends and she said no and basically repeated that things went way too fast for her. But added that she didn't want a relationship right now. Fast forward, it was about a month since we stopped hanging out and she asked me to get together and we did. We hung out and still had good chemistry and stuff, laughed a lot. No kissing or hand holding or anything like that. Do you think I'm now in the friend zone? No, she never talks about exes or other guys she finds attractive or anything like that. I've noticed she rarely texts me anymore(I text her first.. but if i dont she eventually will) and I always have to initiate conversation if we are talking on face book chat or something. If you got thru this whole thread, what do you think? Edited September 26, 2011 by LongDrivehome Added some stuff and corrected spelling
Elysian Powder Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 Sigh. How do you know water can wet you? You're inside of it; how can you know you are in the friend-zone? You are not ****ing her. Simple.
carhill Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 She's back with her ex, dollars to donuts. There's a thread on that topic I just posted a counter-point to. Initially you were a situational ego feed. BTDT, many times. You think it's progressing and then 'poof' She's a 'poofer'
Author LongDrivehome Posted September 27, 2011 Author Posted September 27, 2011 She's back with her ex, dollars to donuts. There's a thread on that topic I just posted a counter-point to. Initially you were a situational ego feed. BTDT, many times. You think it's progressing and then 'poof' She's a 'poofer' What thread are you referring to? And why do you think shes back with her ex? She has mentioned him a few times, and called him her ex. Even though I know that doesn't mean anything
carhill Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 The thread was on the skewed perspectives on this forum and provided the assertion that ex'es often get back together. I provided anecdotal counter-point. The clues I garner from your story which support the assertions by the OP in that thread essentially stem from the sudden and unexpected turnaround of her perspective. If she wanted to be truly alone, she'd have no contact with you. If she wanted to date you and be physical with you, she'd still be doing that. She's doing neither. She's 'hanging out' with you. Where did all that other energy go? Disappear? It goes somewhere. You apparently are initiating almost everything now. Does that sound like she's a 'friend' to you? TBH, I'd leave her alone and chalk it up to situational ego feed. You were a 'fun' guy when she needed something. If she wants to date you, she'll come around when she's 'ready'. If she wants to be a friend, she'll take a proactive and attentive interest in your life. If other, well, other. You have 'other' right now. So I don't have to look through your history, how old are you and she?
Author LongDrivehome Posted September 27, 2011 Author Posted September 27, 2011 I'm 26 and she's 23. I have thought about exactly what you said, where did all her previous energy go to? That's a good question that I can't answer. I had obviously stopped asking her to hangout or do anything. But she did ask me to hangout a few times. I said no the first time, and then the second I said yes. Maybe I shouldn't have? I mean, we do carry on conversation.. it just feels like I have to be the one to text/message her first. Which is obviously not a good sign, I agree
carhill Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 I finally asked her after a few weeks if we were just friends and she said no and basically repeated that things went way too fast for her. But added that she didn't want a relationship right now. This is known as the vacuum of space. I'd suggest the most distant of friendly contact. Be cordial and do share some of your life and daily experiences, but no ego feeding nor emotional validation. Keep conversation short. If she wants to 'hang out', repeat that you're interested in dating her and respect that she's 'not ready' and so you will politely decline. Remember, remember, remember this. *She's* the one who threw the brake lever on this deal. The onus is upon her to release it, and that means proactively, not just 'letting' you date her.
somedude81 Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 Why didn't you kiss her the last time you hung out?
Author LongDrivehome Posted September 27, 2011 Author Posted September 27, 2011 Why didn't you kiss her the last time you hung out? because it was the first time we hung out in around a month. I'm not sure completely where the two of us stand
Elysian Powder Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 because it was the first time we hung out in around a month. I'm not sure completely where the two of us stand Who cares about how long you hadn't seen her? try for a kiss whenever you are attracted to a woman. At the worst case scenario, she'll slap you, but so what? turn your back to the woman and never even look at her. Women cannot stand being ignored by men, even if they aren't attracted to you, if you act like they don't exist, their natural insecurity will come to the surface and since you are not going to get to fck her, her feelings is of no concern to you. Simultaneously, you prove to her that you are not a sucker(orbiter/white knight) like all of the other guys. Don't get fixated on a woman. It's not worth it. Anyway, as you acquire experience on women, and the ability to seduce most of the women you want; all of them will look the same. You will never be used again.
somedude81 Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 Uh, once you've already made out with her, I think it's kind of obvious where you stand with her. And now that you didn't try to kiss her the last time you hung out, things are all confusing now. As the man, it's your job to set the frame. Next time, just try to do what you normally do. She'll tell you if things have changed.
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