lauralweston Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 I had only been seeing my bf for 9 months but it was the biggest roller coaster relationship I had ever been on. We met online and it was way too soon for me to be meeting anyone as I had only split from my ex previous only 3 weeks earlier. I met my (now ex) bf and at first he explained he was cautious of me not being single for that long but I assured him I was over my ex and that it wasnt an issue. We started seeing each other casually and then after a few weeks I started to have feelings for him. BY then we had unfortunately told each other things that shouldnt usually be said to new potential partners ie people we have slept with, he told me I was just a "stepping stone" in his life for now as he didnt want anything serious (He has since admitted he is scared of commitment) and that we were openly talking to other people as our current situation was so casual ( i later found out he wasnt actually seeing anyone else, he just made himself out to be as he assumed I was too. To top it off, I told him my ex was in prison but that he didnt mean anything to me, especially because of where he was.) He seemed OK with that. Anyway, thats the complicated beginning. Throughout the following months we realised we had fallen for each other so declared our feelings and started the relationship. I unfortunately suffer from insecurities and was very paranoid in the beginning so I would have tantrums if I didnt like where he was going or if I felt really crap about myself. He stuck by me and put up with all I threw at him. I went to a psychotherapist and began to improve. In this time he admitted he suffered from anxiety and depression which came around once in a while for sometimes no reason but in this case I feel my constant nagging and paranoia made him anxious. Even though I got better I feel the damage was done. We broke up three times in this relationship due to arguments that rather then talk about them he became too anxious and needed space so would send me packing and then realise after a week or so that we needed to talk and work it out, which we did. The final 3-4 months of our relationship were amazing. We had put both our demons to bed and had amazing days out, were going away and could have full blown conversations and debates about everything and everything. Then, the beginning of the final month, my ex sent me a birthday card from prison and my bf had a complete break down and my dad had to comfort him for a few hours until he calmed down. This is where he became withdrawn and depressed and we began to bicker for no reason during this month mainly because we were both digging at each other through irritability of trying to look after each other. We then went camping for a week and had an amazing time! He finally admitted that marriage and kids were something he would like, especially with me. Considering he was petrified of commitment, I felt that was a massive step in the right direction. We then got back and reality hit...he became withdrawn and depressed and one evening confessed that my ex boyfriend being in prison had been eating away at him for so long that he didnt know what to do. I told him I would leave and take my baggage with me considering he couldnt deal with it and it wasnt fair on him. He said he doesnt want to lose the best thing that ever happened to him so I told him I would stay and that WE would get through it. Then, only 4 days later, I had an insecure day and lashed out at him saying that I didnt feel good enough, I feel fat and that he was the one that was causing my insecurities. I didnt mean it, I had just become tired from trying to look after him and not myself. He took me home and broke up with me explaining that he couldnt live with someone who didnt feel special with him because he couldnt make me happy, that my ex in prison was a catalyst for our arguments and that my insecurities and his anxieties were going to need to be addressed but as individuals. I could only agree so that I could respect his wishes. We have emailed a few times since explaining our feelings. I feel immensely guilty that my insecurities could have been the beginning of setting off his underlying anxieties and that my ex was causing him pain that he unfortunately was unable to communicate with me as to how much he was hurting inside. I cant shake that guilt off to the point I feel sick. We have agreed that breaking up in order to sort our heads out as individuals and time will do us good and that he is actually going to a behavioural therapist and a psychotherapist for his anxieties and depression. All I can think about is the what ifs and the buts and he also admits that if he had a time machine he would take back all the things we said at the beginning (that we couldnt shake off throughout the relationship) and made the time between my ex and him bigger in order for me to have had space to set my insecurities straight. I cant help but think about getting back with him in the future even though I am worried that he will still have his anxieties and depression that in the long run could be difficult to live with and prevent me from looking after myself and keep my insecurities at bay. We have admitted we love each other and care for each other considerably but we just cant work out. Is it normal for me to want him back despite our conflicting faults? Do you think no contact will do us both good and maybe we could be friends considering our closeness and understanding of each others demons? Im so confused its so hard and hurts like crazy! Mutual break ups are so hard considering the feelings still there!
HappyFlower Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 (edited) Your situation sounds very similar to mind, tho my ex isn't in prison! Our breakup was pretty mutual - he's the one that actually said it, but I'd tried and failed to do it a couple of days before. I think (from what I'm going through at the moment) that time apart is very much needed, because you both have things you need to address ie your insecurity and his anxiety that I don't think you can really do while together as one thing feeds off the other. Myself and my recent ex are very similar to you guys - I have trust issues and he cannot see things from anyone elses perspective. I realised that my lack of trust made issues out of things that weren't problems but just that he couldn't see it from my POV - I thought he was decieving me when actually he just didn't tell me because it wasn't anything noteworthy to him. In the same way, his not being able to consider my POV caused him to think I was over-reacting to everything - things that he thought shouldn't be important to me actually were, but he didn't understand why. The 'demons' you both have need to be addressed and sorted first - you need to make yourself happy to be happy in a relationship. NC will allow you to do this, in your own time. Try not to think about being friends in time, it sounds like you guys probably will end up as at least friends. Its early days, don't look that far ahead. My ex really wanted to stay friends, but I have decided, and will tell him so if need be, that I will not see him in person until I no longer have any kind of feelings for him, as it would not be fair to my healing progress. And yes its totally normal to miss him even though you have these differences BUT even though you miss him, try not to contact him. Focus on you Note to self: come back and read this tomorrow (I'm in 3 weeks and 8 days NC right now). Edited September 26, 2011 by HappyFlower
Author lauralweston Posted September 27, 2011 Author Posted September 27, 2011 Wow, thankyou so much! You dont realise how much support that reply has given me!! I never thought that he was at fault but looking back, YES he never understood my POV, his parents even told him he should start thinking of other peoples thoughts and respect that they have different feelings about things such as he didnt understand why I had an issue with him having his ex GF as a facebook friend. He said he wasnt going to delete her as he felt I was going over the top. But he approached his dad who was like...ummm, I dont think your mum would like it if I was still in contact with an ex girlfriend. At that point I felt better that someone had taken my side and that I wasnt just being pathetic!! For the first few days I have blamed my self for my insecurities and paranoid tantrums, but now thinking about it and reading your reply....he wasnt THAT accommodating for my feelings. He even told me in one of our final emails that he couldnt understand my reasoning, that I should be more understanding that people work differently to just my way of thinking and that he always thought I had a book where only I was ever right and he was always wrong!!!! So....looking back, we both had a part to play! I was over the top, but he struggled to accommodate my insecure thoughts! Thankyou Happyflower, I hope you stick around, I am worried that this more positive feeling is only temporary and I feel guilty again tomorrow! Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou! Well done on your NC for 3 weeks! Mine is 2 days, break up 7 days!
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