Immediately Losing Interest

[amadeus]

Hi everybody! I'm new here and I look forward to contributing as much as possible.

 

I think there's something seriously wrong with me.

 

I've been seeing this amazing woman for a little over 2 months now, and yet, for some reason I no longer feel anything for her romantically/physically/sexually --not that she turns me off, there's just nothing there at all for me. It's so bad, I've had to imagine being with someone else when we're having sex! --and yet, when we first started, nothing could've been further from the truth --I couldn't keep my hands off her!

 

And yet, I think she's an awesome person --I do love spending time with her --but isn't this the kind of thing that occurs after being with someone for X amount of years, certainly not 2 months??

 

I'm just going through all the motions with her --but it's excruciatingly difficult trying to pretend

 

There are definitely some significant challenges in being with her, which only intensify how I feel (or, in this case, DON'T feel), but I would imagine they wouldn't be that big a deal if I was still totally in to her. Or is it that maybe these challenges subconsciously taken their toll on me??

 

I haven't had a relationship as significant as this one in over 15 years, and have been dying for one like this --and now here it is, and the feelings are just not there for me after such a short time.

 

The part that REALLY concerns me is that I can't recall a relationship that DIDN'T end up this way for me! --I've truly never had a "healthy" relationship, in that they've always ended up this way.

 

Is it that I'm really not attracted to them to begin with and they're just fulfilling some sort of need? --it feels like the women I usually end up with are those who "want me more than I want them" --I can't recall ever feeling like I could attract someone I really wanted.

 

Or is it that I'm just not able to truly love someone? --or is this some sort of weird "safety mechanism" stemming from childhood?

 

Thanks for your input!!

[Quiet Storm]

You could be someone that is just not naturally inclined to be in a serious, long term relationship.

 

It doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you. Many men feel like you, but marry anyway and end up becoming a serial cheater.

 

I am not sure of your age, but you may be more inclined to settle down as you mature.

[amadeus]

Many men feel like you, but marry anyway and end up becoming a serial cheater.

 

 

I call that "playing with one's food" --after not being able to even attract someone (much LESS have a relationship) for so many years, I equate myself to someone who'd be starving for years and has now been finally given some food --so I appreciate and respect it --whereas the guys you describe do not --in a sense being given feasts and yet, do nothing more than "play with their food".

 

And I am in my 40's --although I've never been married or have kids (that I know of )

 

Thanks Quiet

[Feelsgoodman]

I call that "playing with one's food" --after not being able to even attract someone (much LESS have a relationship) for so many years, I equate myself to someone who'd be starving for years and has now been finally given some food --so I appreciate and respect it --whereas the guys you describe do not --in a sense being given feasts and yet, do nothing more than "play with their food".

 

And I am in my 40's --although I've never been married or have kids (that I know of )

 

Thanks Quiet

The girl in question is not very attractive...perhaps a bit overweight, yes?

[amadeus]

Quite the contrary actually --extremely beautiful, amazing body --especially for being a single mother of 2 (one of the challenges for me) --she takes VERY good care of herself. She's constantly getting hit on.

 

Although, having said that, *I* don't find her physically attractive anymore

[Feelsgoodman]

Quite the contrary actually --extremely beautiful, amazing body --especially for being a single mother of 2 (one of the challenges for me) --she takes VERY good care of herself. She's constantly getting hit on.

 

Although, having said that, *I* don't find her physically attractive anymore

In that case, maybe you are just the kind of guy who is not capable of long-term attraction to a single partner.

[amadeus]

In that case, maybe you are just the kind of guy who is not capable of long-term attraction to a single partner.

 

But even after such a short amount of time?? (I can remember my attraction for her starting to wane a month in). I could understand if it'd been over a year or so, but not THAT quick.

[Hot Chick]

I think you are jumping into bed too soon, then the relationship is burning out because there is nothing left to discover and experience, and you have been intimate before real feelings have developed.

[amadeus]

I think you are jumping into bed too soon, then the relationship is burning out because there is nothing left to discover and experience, and you have been intimate before real feelings have developed.

 

The relationship isn't burning out, my attraction for her is.

 

I've heard you should take things slow at the beginning of a relationship --but people have also told me if it's right, it's right, and it shouldn't matter how fast or slow you take it.

[D-Lish]

Quite the contrary actually --extremely beautiful, amazing body --especially for being a single mother of 2 (one of the challenges for me) --she takes VERY good care of herself. She's constantly getting hit on.

 

Although, having said that, *I* don't find her physically attractive anymore

 

You're a commitment phobe, or maybe you're gay.

Have you considered you might be gay?

[thatone]

You're a commitment phobe, or maybe you're gay.

Have you considered you might be gay?

 

umm, that's a bit out in left field.

 

he said she had kids and that was one of his hurdles with her.

 

and he said he's never found anyone he really wanted. so the question is, what does he really want, and how is she not that person?

[Hot Chick]

The relationship isn't burning out, my attraction for her is.

 

I've heard you should take things slow at the beginning of a relationship --but people have also told me if it's right, it's right, and it shouldn't matter how fast or slow you take it.

 

Clearly going fast is not working for you, though. So...obviously boinking right away is not right for developing a relationship/attraction which sticks.

 

The attraction is burning out, so the relationship isn't far behind.....unless you are cool with having a relationship with a woman you have lost attraction for (because it's burned out because you went too fast.)

[amadeus]

You're a commitment phobe, or maybe you're gay.

Have you considered you might be gay?

 

umm, that's a bit out in left field.

 

he said she had kids and that was one of his hurdles with her.

 

and he said he's never found anyone he really wanted. so the question is, what does he really want, and how is she not that person?

 

 

Whoa! --left field is not the word! -lol --yeah definitely not gay

 

I KNOW EXACTLY what I want --and although I don't expect (nor want) perfection, I just can't seem to GET what I want so I always end up going for second best (as I mentioned, the ones who want me more than me them).

 

Funny thing is, I would say every woman I've been with over the past year or so each has one or two elements of I would ultimately want in a woman --if I could take one quality from each of them and put them together I'd have the woman of my dreams.

[amadeus]

Clearly going fast is not working for you, though. So...obviously boinking right away is not right for developing a relationship/attraction which sticks.

 

The attraction is burning out, so the relationship isn't far behind.....unless you are cool with having a relationship with a woman you have lost attraction for (because it's burned out because you went too fast.)

 

 

It's just funny you should say that since I really do enjoy talking with her and being with her --it's actually just the physical part I can't deal with.

 

I would think if it WAS a case of having gone too fast, it'd be the other way around, no?

[thatone]

what's wrong with her, physically?

 

you say she gets hit on all the time and takes very good care of herself, yet you're not attracted to her, why?

[amadeus]

what's wrong with her, physically?

 

you say she gets hit on all the time and takes very good care of herself, yet you're not attracted to her, why?

 

 

I said I WAS but now I'm not --I don't know, I was hoping someone here could tell ME --believe me it's killing me cause I WANT to be --and yet, I feel nothing.

 

If you're asking in general, just because you find a person beautiful doesn't automatically make you attracted to them --eye of the beholder...

 

What makes this even more difficult is that she wants to be physical/sexual with ME all the time! --any red-blooded guy's dream

[maylis]

 

Funny thing is, I would say every woman I've been with over the past year or so each has one or two elements of I would ultimately want in a woman --if I could take one quality from each of them and put them together I'd have the woman of my dreams.

 

 

So what are the elements you want and the elements you don't want that maybe she has?

[Emilia]

I said I WAS but now I'm not --I don't know, I was hoping someone here could tell ME --believe me it's killing me cause I WANT to be --and yet, I feel nothing.

 

If you're asking in general, just because you find a person beautiful doesn't automatically make you attracted to them --eye of the beholder...

 

What makes this even more difficult is that she wants to be physical/sexual with ME all the time! --any red-blooded guy's dream

 

She doesn't have that edge you find sexually attractive. I suffer from that too. I like men that have that special something that makes me go weak at the knees at the site of them. Otherwise I lose interest quickly.

[Cee]

I know someone in almost your exact situation. He badly wants to fall in love, but has never been in love. He went into therapy for it and is trying to learn to love. My friend is incapable of feeling any deep, positive emotion. He is a thinker and everything is broken down into words, rather than feelings.

 

I am saddened my friend's issue. He chases women who don't want him, but rejects the ones who do. And since he doesn't know what love is, he doesn't know how to get it. When he talks about love, he dissects it and it loses its magic.

 

Sometimes I want to tell him to stop trusting his thoughts and trust a woman's feelings. A woman who has had loving relationships is simply better at this stuff than him. But he won't listen and thinks what he "feels" is right. But he doesn't feel. He's like a color blind person making color choices.

 

I don't know your full story, but something is wrong. This woman could very well not be compatible with you, but if this a repeating pattern, you need to look at this. The right woman will not cure you of your pattern. You must address it yourself. And if you come up with a solution, let me know. My friend is desperate for insight into his issues. Maybe you are the one person who truly understands.

[Hot Chick]

I said I WAS but now I'm not --I don't know, I was hoping someone here could tell ME --believe me it's killing me cause I WANT to be --and yet, I feel nothing.

 

If you're asking in general, just because you find a person beautiful doesn't automatically make you attracted to them --eye of the beholder...

 

What makes this even more difficult is that she wants to be physical/sexual with ME all the time! --any red-blooded guy's dream

 

I already gave you the answer, but you don't want to believe it. I don't know why you even posted because you got the answer. Just give holding off a month or two a try.

[amadeus]

She doesn't have that edge you find sexually attractive. I suffer from that too. I like men that have that special something that makes me go weak at the knees at the site of them. Otherwise I lose interest quickly.

 

 

Wow I think you may be onto something here.

 

As well, inasmuch of a very sexual person she is, I felt from day one we were simply not sexually compatible (in fact, there's one major thing about her that's driven me nuts --I won't go into details, but I think this is part of it as well. I'd even tried discussing it with her and she just sloughed it off, like I was just being silly).

 

It's funny, but I briefly saw another girl early last year and OUR sexual chemistry (key word) was INSANELY palpable --I couldn't WAIT to see her each time. Unfortunately, there was nothing else there BUT sex, so it was short-lived (SHE'S one of the women I fantasize being with when I'm with this current girl).

 

Again, going back to what I said previously about taking elements of each woman, I would love to find someone who I have that kind of chemistry with, but yet also has other qualities I've found in the others including this one (who I obviously DON'T have that with).

 

Thank you!

[amadeus]

I know someone in almost your exact situation. He badly wants to fall in love, but has never been in love. He went into therapy for it and is trying to learn to love. My friend is incapable of feeling any deep, positive emotion. He is a thinker and everything is broken down into words, rather than feelings.

 

I am saddened my friend's issue. He chases women who don't want him, but rejects the ones who do. And since he doesn't know what love is, he doesn't know how to get it. When he talks about love, he dissects it and it loses its magic.

 

Sometimes I want to tell him to stop trusting his thoughts and trust a woman's feelings. A woman who has had loving relationships is simply better at this stuff than him. But he won't listen and thinks what he "feels" is right. But he doesn't feel. He's like a color blind person making color choices.

 

I don't know your full story, but something is wrong. This woman could very well not be compatible with you, but if this a repeating pattern, you need to look at this. The right woman will not cure you of your pattern. You must address it yourself. And if you come up with a solution, let me know. My friend is desperate for insight into his issues. Maybe you are the one person who truly understands.

 

 

In addition to my post above, I believe you have totally hit the nail on the head!!!!!

 

OMG, that's totally me!! --you just preached to the choir and I think that's the problem --in fact, I STARTED this thread saying there was something seriously wrong with me.

 

Believe me, addressing it myself is the last thing you wanna tell someone who lives "in their head" --and I've done SO much work on myself for years.

 

Recently though I've started --of all things-- meditating. I feel the only real way to get out of one's head is to just try and allow the thoughts that come into it to just "be".

 

WAY easier said than done --but at this point, it's all I have.

 

And I think that's why I've taken so much time to question this, this time --whereas years ago, I would've just said I want something else because this doesn't work for me, and would've subsequently just walked (actually worse than that, but I won't get into it now).

 

THIS time, though, I'm questioning it like crazy --why HAS this been a pattern with me?? --and why do I suddenly have no feelings for this very loving woman, a woman's love being something I've sincerely been deprived of for years?

 

Thank you for your great input!!

[amadeus]

I already gave you the answer, but you don't want to believe it. I don't know why you even posted because you got the answer. Just give holding off a month or two a try.

 

 

Thank you very much for your input --your point is well taken (already!!!) --which begs the question, why do YOU feel the need to keep posting it????

 

Perhaps you can explain something to me --how is it was this very same phenomenon occurred with a girl I saw last year, who --for reasons I won't get into here-- I NEVER had sex with despite having seen her for 3 months???

 

And BTW, as I posted above, IN MY OPINION, I feel one SHOULD jump into bed ASAP (within reason, but certainly not as long as you say) in order to determine whether or not there even IS sexual compatibility. Why wait only to find this person who you've supposedly formed a deep connection with is just lousy in bed?? --or maybe that's a compromise you'd be willing to make --I personally, however, would not.

 

Again, everyone's different, but if it's right, it's right --the chemistry's there or it isn't --waiting won't make it be there if it's not to begin with --and I can guarantee you, in my case (as posted above) waiting would've only prolonged something that seems to be inevitable for me.

 

Thank you again for your input.

[Cee]

Amadeus, you sound so much like my friend, it's uncanny. He's taken up meditation and Eastern philosophy as well. He commented once that in his life he has to always achieve and be doing something. He hasn't had the joy of experiencing love.

 

Maybe the "fake it till you make it" thing might work. Act "as if" you love someone and act in a loving manner. It might seem forced and stiff at first, but maybe your natural instinct to love will surface. I doubt that would work with your current girlfriend because you are repelled by her. You might want to start from scratch.

 

I don't want to turn into a crazy animal person, but my most cerebral male friends go bananas over their cats and dogs. They may be as cold as Spock, but around a dog, they become playful and caring. Maybe you can get an animal and lavish love upon him/her. And it's not a bad way to meet women in the park.

[Hot Chick]

Thank you very much for your input --your point is well taken (already!!!) --which begs the question, why do YOU feel the need to keep posting it????

 

Perhaps you can explain something to me --how is it was this very same phenomenon occurred with a girl I saw last year, who --for reasons I won't get into here-- I NEVER had sex with despite having seen her for 3 months???

 

And BTW, as I posted above, IN MY OPINION, I feel one SHOULD jump into bed ASAP (within reason, but certainly not as long as you say) in order to determine whether or not there even IS sexual compatibility. Why wait only to find this person who you've supposedly formed a deep connection with is just lousy in bed?? --or maybe that's a compromise you'd be willing to make --I personally, however, would not.

 

Again, everyone's different, but if it's right, it's right --the chemistry's there or it isn't --waiting won't make it be there if it's not to begin with --and I can guarantee you, in my case (as posted above) waiting would've only prolonged something that seems to be inevitable for me.

 

Thank you again for your input.

 

The woman you went for 3 months and didn't have sex with doesn't count since you don't know what would have happened if you did have sex.

You haven't tried it. I swear, that is what happened with this woman you are seeing.

You jumped into bed too soon.

How long did you know this woman before you slept together?