Circular Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 Owl, I usually agree with you 99.99% of the time. On this one though I'm not sure I agree Reckless telling this woman about how he feels about her and subsequently shutting the door is a good route. I don't think he should disclose any of how he feels because it's bound to open a can of worms. What most likely will happen is if she feels the same way is she'll start telling him how attracted she is to him and that will only pour more gasoline on a fire both parties are safer not knowing the feelings between them. Most likely she'll then want to pressure Reckless into talking more, over IM or in person. It creates a lot of risk for Reckless. The best tact is to not bring how you feel towards her into the conversation. Just say that you think the conversation has reached a point where it's no longer appropriate given you are there to conduct business, that you are just as much to blame for it going there and you feel it's necessary that you two only talk business moving forward. She's going to be most likely upset either way, just one way forces her to deal with how she feels with others, friends, etc...
Author recklesskelly Posted September 28, 2011 Author Posted September 28, 2011 Is there anything wrong with saying nothing about my feelings and scaling the contact way back? This built gradually, so can't it deflate gradually? It would preserve a working relationship if/when the time called for business again. I think if I minimize contact in all forms, I can gradually ease the pain of the situation. They say it takes time anyway, right?
Afishwithabike Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 Well I'm glad you're finally doing something about this. After I posted to your original thread several week ago, I thought you wouldn't do anything at all. Wow. I can do this, but it seems like I'd be hurting her in the interest of protecting myself. Guess life is full of such decisions. Your colleague is a grown woman. She'll survive. Your priority now should be your wife and your marriage. Your wife's feelings trump this woman's feelings. You need to protect your wife and your marriage. It should be as simple as that.
Owl Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 Is there anything wrong with saying nothing about my feelings and scaling the contact way back? This built gradually, so can't it deflate gradually? It would preserve a working relationship if/when the time called for business again. I think if I minimize contact in all forms, I can gradually ease the pain of the situation. They say it takes time anyway, right? I will tell you this...I've personally never seen "limited contact" work. It almost always ends up in a resumption of the affair, often with renewed vigor. I can agree with Circular's observation of not telling her your feelings...that makes good sense. But...if you truly want to protect your marriage...you need to END THE AFFAIR COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY. Again...see my signature. "Do, or do not." It's when you don't do things completely the first time that you find yourself sitting in limbo. But...it's up to you. It's not my life, nor my marriage. Let's take a different view on this. What does your wife know about your feelings for this OW? Does she know about the EA? If she did...what would SHE tell you that SHE NEEDS from you in order to stay married? What would be her feelings about continued interaction with OW? Something to consider.
Author recklesskelly Posted September 28, 2011 Author Posted September 28, 2011 Man, something is going down. Her and her friend were outside talking and I got a first class staredown. Then, when they came back in, they looked down the hall to see me chatting with a friend. This confirms my fear that I'm being talked about and my crush is probably obvious. The good news? I have the spark needed to avoid her like the plague and rechannel my energy into my wife. This whole damn thing feels wrong.
Circular Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 All the more reasons to put the brake on heavily. Your situation potentially is being disclosed, don't expect any privacy in the matter, you know.. you tell a friend, they tell a friend, suddenly everyone knows somethings up even if nothing has actually happened. Rumor in companies spread like wildfire... In my situation I thought everything was handled in a way that nobody knew what was going on... In retrospect, well, I have no doubt most of our co-workers knew something was going on. People talk, rumors spread, the damage gets done. You haven't really said much about the the conversations you've had back and forth, how flirtatious they are, etc... You've said she talks a lot about her boyfriend but you two do talk a lot. Anyway you know what you have to do, I'd retract as much as possible. Focus on other things, make her past tense, etc...
FirstNobleTruth Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 (edited) Reckless, I notice you've posted a couple of times that you feel "something" is up because of the way this girl talks with her girlfriend, looks exchanged, etc. I would urge you to recognize that this is just more drama for you. The problem is not what other people are saying or thinking, whatever that may be, and however "accurate" your perceptions are. The problem is in YOU, in the way you react to the things you perceive. It's gotten so big that it's affecting your work and your marriage. You need to get a grip on it right now. Drama is addictive. Get this: for a short while after my H's A, there was a period of time where he and his OW would make attempts at various levels of low contact, restricted contact, what have you. I know this because by that time he was being completely honest with me, gave me access to his phone, texts, emails, etc., and reported all contacts to me. it was a hugely painful and trying time for me, but you know what? When they finally went Total NC, I kind of missed the drama. Sick. Yes, exactly, sick. It's called addiction, and I am familiar with that demon and it's many faces in many of my closest relationships. Please, consider writing out what Owl told you to say, then saying it to her exactly that way. Build a wall between you and her that you can't ignore. It's not too late for you to turn around now, but if you keep watching her and worrying about her mysterious feelings and wondering what she's thinking, you're going to find yourself in a world of hurt. You sound like a good man with a good marriage and a good job. Respect yourself, cherish your marriage, and take your work (not your coworker) seriously, or you could lose all of them. I wish you the very best. Edited September 28, 2011 by FirstNobleTruth Missing words
Author recklesskelly Posted September 28, 2011 Author Posted September 28, 2011 You all are too kind. Today was a wake up call for the reason I'm here in the first place. When we've talked, it's been two way flirting. But, whatever her feelings are is actually irrelevant. I know what I need to do and have learned quite the lesson about developing feelings for coworkers. I have written out Owl's instructions and will take them to heart. For the next couple of days, can I just stay offline and at my desk? She'll probably think I called in sick. I feel quite foolish and could really use the rest of the week and weekend to clear my thoughts before having this discussion with her.
Owl Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 You all are too kind. Today was a wake up call for the reason I'm here in the first place. When we've talked, it's been two way flirting. But, whatever her feelings are is actually irrelevant. I know what I need to do and have learned quite the lesson about developing feelings for coworkers. I have written out Owl's instructions and will take them to heart. For the next couple of days, can I just stay offline and at my desk? She'll probably think I called in sick. I feel quite foolish and could really use the rest of the week and weekend to clear my thoughts before having this discussion with her. Clearly you can do whatever you want, or whatever you think is best. All we can do is offer advice...we're obviously not "in charge" of anything. Now...do I think that's going to be a successful strategy? Nope. Not what I'd recommend. But...what you do is up to you. All we can do is offer the best advice we can.
Frank13 Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 (edited) Wow. I can do this, but it seems like I'd be hurting her in the interest of protecting myself. No kidding? Don't play the martyr. You will be protecting your marriage too. You are lucky in that you work in different departments so can avoid her. I am in your situation but mine works in the same department. I have gone many weeks no contact only to be put in a situation of having to work with her and not being able to resist her, so it starts all over. I am very interested to see how this turns out. In a way I hope she wants you, otherwise the "wanting what you can't have" makes it even worse. Edited October 2, 2011 by Frank13
fellhard4u Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 Owl, I usually agree with you 99.99% of the time. On this one though I'm not sure I agree Reckless telling this woman about how he feels about her and subsequently shutting the door is a good route. I don't think he should disclose any of how he feels because it's bound to open a can of worms. What most likely will happen is if she feels the same way is she'll start telling him how attracted she is to him and that will only pour more gasoline on a fire both parties are safer not knowing the feelings between them. Most likely she'll then want to pressure Reckless into talking more, over IM or in person. It creates a lot of risk for Reckless. The best tact is to not bring how you feel towards her into the conversation. Just say that you think the conversation has reached a point where it's no longer appropriate given you are there to conduct business, that you are just as much to blame for it going there and you feel it's necessary that you two only talk business moving forward. She's going to be most likely upset either way, just one way forces her to deal with how she feels with others, friends, etc... Circular, I agree with your advice in this case. Although I think that in most all cases, honesty is the best policy, I believe that in Reckless' current situation, being honest could totally backfire on him. From what I understand from Reckless' post, the emotional affair has not yet progressed to the point of the 2 parties "admitting" their feelings for each other so I think he could still stop the situation from escalating with giving her a more general excuse for scaling down their contact and interactions. I am sharing this from the point of view of someone who has BTDT. I am an xOW to my xMM co-worker and at some point I was in the same position as Reckless' female co-worker. I know that I would have never voiced and shared my feelings for xMM had he not taken that first step of telling me about his intense feelings for me. If Reckless tells his co-worker the real reason why he is pulling away he is giving her an avenue to voice her own feelings for him and this creates a special intimacy between the two of them which has a great potential to evolve into something more serious. I would not bring up the fact that he is going to work on his marriage since this will give her TMI about his personal life. Once he tells her about his feelings for her and that, despite those feelings he wants to stay married to his W and work on his marriage, and if those feelings are reciprocated by her, it will make things very confusing and painful for her. She will have a hard time understanding the path that he has chosen. Especially if the actions and the words are not congruent with the feelings that were communicated. Reckless, I hope that you don't mind me chiming in here, I think that the best way to handle your situation this is to create physical and emotional distance by only dealing with her on a professional level. If she asks why you seem to be pulling away, you could tell her - kindly and gently - that you are swamped with work and that you need to concentrate on professional stuff for the foreseeable future. That's what I wish my xMM had done. He didn't. His ambiguity, insincerity and lack of consistency has had terrible and devastating consequences for everyone involved, both on a personal AND on a professional level. Wishing you the best.
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