Ending an emotional affair

[recklesskelly]

Hey all - I'm here because I need help ending an emotional affair with a coworker. It's been going on for a couple of months and I have all the signs of being in over my head. I think about her all the time, can't wait to take breaks together, and miss her on the weekend - and that's just for starters. If I don't do something now, my 4 year marriage will be in jeopardy and I know this.

 

Would someone be kind enough to post the steps I need to take to end this? Many articles suggest going cold turkey, and I think I'm strong enough to do this despite the hurt I'll inevitably feel. In some sense, I expect this to hurt as bad as a real relationship ending.

 

Since we work together, what do I do when she emails or IMs me? I'm guessing I need to be polite and stick to business only, right? Strict no contact seems like it would be easier, but her being a coworker makes this tougher.

 

I appreciate as much help as you can offer. I know I need to put the brakes on this right away, but it's going to be so tough.

[Owl]

Are you married, or is she?

 

The first steps are what you're thinking...tell her that all contact for anything other than work stops NOW...RIGHT NOW. If she asks why, tell her that it's gone too far on your part, and it needs to stop. Then walk away.

 

ENFORCE THAT BOUNDARY.

 

If you're married...then you need to give some thought on what this all means for your marriage.

[Bryanp]

Why don't you keep asking yourself how you would feel if your wife was doing to you behind your back what you are doing to her? Would you be comfortable with your wife engaging in an emotional affair?

[recklesskelly]

Why don't you keep asking yourself how you would feel if your wife was doing to you behind your back what you are doing to her? Would you be comfortable with your wife engaging in an emotional affair?

 

No, I absolutely wouldn't. Sometimes it's so easy to ignore the "put yourself in their shoes bit", but it really provides perspective. I just don't know how I got myself into this mess in the first place. I suppose temptation is a formidable enemy.

[Circular]

These situations are very tricky, and trickier because you work together. Yes, the prevailing wisdom is that you stop all non-business contact and get very busy dong other things so you have no time to focus on her and having conversations with her. Easier said then done, I know. And, who knows what she might think and do in response to you cutting off this contact. You'll need to tell her that you think it's best that you no longer engage in non work related conversation.

 

Then, I'd get yourself into IC (Individual Counseling) and really spill everything to a counselor so you can at least get to a place where you're being truthful with yourself, why you got yourself into this situation and whatever else needs to be put on the table. I think, given I've BTDT, you need to also stop lying to yourself. You know very well you made a lot of small decisions that led you to where you are now, you made the consciously, maybe you were naive, I know I was and I thought I 'had a handle' on it.

 

Then you'll have to decide what to do about your M and how you're going to fix it so you don't fall back into the same trap ever again. I think this is a very personal decision and set of choices; tell your W or not? You'll get a lot of very heated debate on these boards on that topic so I'll leave it be.

 

Step #1: Disengage, completely and don't SLIP back into it, it is going to be very hard not to because there are two players here not just you.

[carhill]

OP, I'm assuming this is a different co-worker than the one who winked at you, right?

 

If so, and this is indicative of the pond you work in, perhaps a job change to protect your M would be in order. Think of it as the cost of not telling your W or whatever provides you with equity.

 

I'd call this an informative life experience that hopefully won't cost you part of your life's work and move on to a different environment and a new perspective.

[CrazyMom]

Hey all - I'm here because I need help ending an emotional affair with a coworker. It's been going on for a couple of months and I have all the signs of being in over my head. I think about her all the time, can't wait to take breaks together, and miss her on the weekend - and that's just for starters. If I don't do something now, my 4 year marriage will be in jeopardy and I know this.

 

Would someone be kind enough to post the steps I need to take to end this? Many articles suggest going cold turkey, and I think I'm strong enough to do this despite the hurt I'll inevitably feel. In some sense, I expect this to hurt as bad as a real relationship ending.

 

Since we work together, what do I do when she emails or IMs me? I'm guessing I need to be polite and stick to business only, right? Strict no contact seems like it would be easier, but her being a coworker makes this tougher.

 

I appreciate as much help as you can offer. I know I need to put the brakes on this right away, but it's going to be so tough.

 

I just want to wish you luck with this. I am married but in an EA as well. However, he started NC because he doesn't want to be "that guy." It's been so hard on me and definitely feels like my heart is breaking.

 

Just stay strong if this is really what you want. And I'd agree with the comment about starting IC to get to the root of why this happened. That's what I plan to do as well.

[recklesskelly]

For those familiar with my other posts, this is the same girl who has been winking at me. I think what makes this worse, at least for me, is that it's possible I'm the only one with these strong feelings. She talks about her boyfriend a fair amount, unless that's one way of protecting and hiding her true feelings about me.

 

Just the thought of cutting off contact really hurts. Can't believe I feel sadness for someone I've known 2 months. I know I have to do this and understand I must be firm in my actions. I can't leave the door open for these feelings to return.

 

We work in different parts of the building, so it would be easy enough to avoid her. She'll no doubt IM me, thought, and I really need to be careful how I respond. She looks for me if she senses I'm pulling away, which I've tried before. I'm here because I've faulting shut this down and need to finish the job.

 

Is this heartache normal? It just doesn't make sense to me, but as another poster mentioned, my actions led me here. I talked to he, hung out with her, did some nice things for her, etc. But that's gone from excitement to knowing this is wrong. I just wish there was an easy way out.

[CrazyMom]

For those familiar with my other posts, this is the same girl who has been winking at me. I think what makes this worse, at least for me, is that it's possible I'm the only one with these strong feelings. She talks about her boyfriend a fair amount, unless that's one way of protecting and hiding her true feelings about me.

 

Just the thought of cutting off contact really hurts. Can't believe I feel sadness for someone I've known 2 months. I know I have to do this and understand I must be firm in my actions. I can't leave the door open for these feelings to return.

 

We work in different parts of the building, so it would be easy enough to avoid her. She'll no doubt IM me, thought, and I really need to be careful how I respond. She looks for me if she senses I'm pulling away, which I've tried before. I'm here because I've faulting shut this down and need to finish the job.

 

Is this heartache normal? It just doesn't make sense to me, but as another poster mentioned, my actions led me here. I talked to he, hung out with her, did some nice things for her, etc. But that's gone from excitement to knowing this is wrong. I just wish there was an easy way out.

 

I'm not sure if it's "normal" but I am feeling the same thing. I've only known my OM for two months and feel so connected to him. When I go without talking to him for any amount of time I feel like I'm going through a break up. Really sucks because you never think you'll feel this way again after you get married.

 

It definitely doesn't make sense. How do you fall for someone after only knowing them a short period of time? But it happens, there's just something there that can't really be explained.

 

I think you should be honest with her. Does she know that you feel strongly for her? I think that's the only way she'll understand and just leave you alone. Or, she'll pursue you more if she feels the same. If you just stop talking to her without explaining why then she'll probably hunt you down to figure out what's going on. As a friend, she cares, and would be concerned.

[Circular]

For those familiar with my other posts, this is the same girl who has been winking at me. I think what makes this worse, at least for me, is that it's possible I'm the only one with these strong feelings. She talks about her boyfriend a fair amount, unless that's one way of protecting and hiding her true feelings about me.

 

Just the thought of cutting off contact really hurts. Can't believe I feel sadness for someone I've known 2 months. I know I have to do this and understand I must be firm in my actions. I can't leave the door open for these feelings to return.

 

We work in different parts of the building, so it would be easy enough to avoid her. She'll no doubt IM me, thought, and I really need to be careful how I respond. She looks for me if she senses I'm pulling away, which I've tried before. I'm here because I've faulting shut this down and need to finish the job.

 

Is this heartache normal? It just doesn't make sense to me, but as another poster mentioned, my actions led me here. I talked to he, hung out with her, did some nice things for her, etc. But that's gone from excitement to knowing this is wrong. I just wish there was an easy way out.

 

 

Since it's only been 2 months you're in what's called the infatuation phase, there's a lot of confusion about what you're feeling and you're seeking out some reciprocation because you want what you're feeling validated. The infatuation phase can be very emotionally draining and heartache is normal but understand that it's because your brain is 'high' on the chemicals it's creating and a lot of what you're feeling is the withdraw from those chemicals.

 

Here's the thing it only gets worse if you don't walk away, a lot worse. Not only could you be putting your job at risk, but your wife and family, you could damage and hurt a lot of people. So what you're feeling now isn't anything like how bad you're going to feel if you don't stop.

 

You seem like a smart guy and you should be proud of yourself for seeing it for what it is and being proactive to figure out how to stop the train before it completely leaves the station. Sure, she is going to sense somethings up and she might very well get a bit cagey with you and start IM'ing you more and trying different ways to pull you back in. She's about to lose her new married boy-toy. This is the problem with these situations everyone loses something... I'm sure your wife isn't getting the best of you right now, right? Your mind is totally focused on another woman.

 

Whatever you do DO NOT tell this woman why you're withdrawing, that will only make it messier. Just tell her you've got a lot going on.

 

No easy way out? Play with fire and you are likely to get burned.

[recklesskelly]

I'm not sure if it's "normal" but I am feeling the same thing. I've only known my OM for two months and feel so connected to him. When I go without talking to him for any amount of time I feel like I'm going through a break up. Really sucks because you never think you'll feel this way again after you get married.

 

It definitely doesn't make sense. How do you fall for someone after only knowing them a short period of time? But it happens, there's just something there that can't really be explained.

 

I think you should be honest with her. Does she know that you feel strongly for her? I think that's the only way she'll understand and just leave you alone. Or, she'll pursue you more if she feels the same. If you just stop talking to her without explaining why then she'll probably hunt you down to figure out what's going on. As a friend, she cares, and would be concerned.

 

Yeah, I'm crazy about her, and as much as it would bring relief to tell her how I feel, it's too risky in a coworker situation. Besides, she has to know I like her - I'm sure it's obvious. The thing is, you're right that she will ask questions if she senses something is wrong. Not sure how long I could keep up the "being busy" bit, but at the same time, I definitely can't tell her how I feel. Besides, she's in a relationship, too, so it's possible I'm the only one with the crush issue. Those who said that crushing on a coworker is challenging hit the nail on the head.

[recklesskelly]

Since it's only been 2 months you're in what's called the infatuation phase, there's a lot of confusion about what you're feeling and you're seeking out some reciprocation because you want what you're feeling validated. The infatuation phase can be very emotionally draining and heartache is normal but understand that it's because your brain is 'high' on the chemicals it's creating and a lot of what you're feeling is the withdraw from those chemicals.

 

Here's the thing it only gets worse if you don't walk away, a lot worse. Not only could you be putting your job at risk, but your wife and family, you could damage and hurt a lot of people. So what you're feeling now isn't anything like how bad you're going to feel if you don't stop.

 

You seem like a smart guy and you should be proud of yourself for seeing it for what it is and being proactive to figure out how to stop the train before it completely leaves the station. Sure, she is going to sense somethings up and she might very well get a bit cagey with you and start IM'ing you more and trying different ways to pull you back in. She's about to lose her new married boy-toy. This is the problem with these situations everyone loses something... I'm sure your wife isn't getting the best of you right now, right? Your mind is totally focused on another woman.

 

Whatever you do DO NOT tell this woman why you're withdrawing, that will only make it messier. Just tell her you've got a lot going on.

 

No easy way out? Play with fire and you are likely to get burned.

 

And I'm feeling the heat. The being drawn back in thing is a tough battle, but as CM said, any concerned friend will want to know what's going on. I'm acutely aware of the repercussions I can face, which is why I'm here. I think I'm smart enough to recognize I'm falling for her, but I'm not naive to think I can tackle this without help.

 

If this is the infatuation phase, I assume it will pass? This rollercoaster of emotions is one ride I can't wait to end.

[Owl]

So...do you truly intend to end the affair?

 

If so, I have no issue with helping you sort through what the steps of that process might look like.

 

But re-reading your posts...you don't sound to me like you've actually made that choice yet.

[Circular]

And I'm feeling the heat. The being drawn back in thing is a tough battle, but as CM said, any concerned friend will want to know what's going on. I'm acutely aware of the repercussions I can face, which is why I'm here. I think I'm smart enough to recognize I'm falling for her, but I'm not naive to think I can tackle this without help.

 

If this is the infatuation phase, I assume it will pass? This rollercoaster of emotions is one ride I can't wait to end.

 

It can last awhile but you can short-circuit it by re-attaching to your W. As what is happening is you're detaching from her right now. It would be a good idea to maybe take a day off and have a long weekend getaway with your W if you can coordinate it. Really focus on your W. It's also why I said you should go to counseling, a lot of people avoid it like the plague but in your situation it could REALLY help because you need an outlet beyond just here.

 

Another thing you could do is journal, that is write in a notebook or type or whatever what's going on for you, try to see it for what it is. It's all about finding other things and other outlets for what's going on internally.

 

You should also really try to see this OW for what she is also, she's trying proactively to pull you over the boundary, you are married, and after knowing her for 2 months she sounds like she's really turning up the heat on you. You might think it's just you but she has to be proactively communicating and flirting with you for you to pay it this much attention.

[recklesskelly]

So...do you truly intend to end the affair?

 

If so, I have no issue with helping you sort through what the steps of that process might look like.

 

But re-reading your posts...you don't sound to me like you've actually made that choice yet.

 

Owl, I have to. Yeah, it's been fun at times, but I KNOW it's a bad sign when I can't get her out of my head. There's no way this can't or won't impact my marriage. I'm trying to keep my mind busy and focus on other things, but even if I get better with that, she's not going away anytime soon. This will clearly be a process.

[recklesskelly]

It can last awhile but you can short-circuit it by re-attaching to your W. As what is happening is you're detaching from her right now. It would be a good idea to maybe take a day off and have a long weekend getaway with your W if you can coordinate it. Really focus on your W. It's also why I said you should go to counseling, a lot of people avoid it like the plague but in your situation it could REALLY help because you need an outlet beyond just here.

 

Another thing you could do is journal, that is write in a notebook or type or whatever what's going on for you, try to see it for what it is. It's all about finding other things and other outlets for what's going on internally.

 

You should also really try to see this OW for what she is also, she's trying proactively to pull you over the boundary, you are married, and after knowing her for 2 months she sounds like she's really turning up the heat on you. You might think it's just you but she has to be proactively communicating and flirting with you for you to pay it this much attention.

 

Some great advice, Circular. I'm hoping therapy won't be necessary - it's not like this has been going on for years. I'm open to anything that will help, though.

 

I figure I'm in this crush alone because she talks about her SO positively quite a bit. Then again, so do I, and here I am feeling this way.

[Owl]

Owl, I have to. Yeah, it's been fun at times, but I KNOW it's a bad sign when I can't get her out of my head. There's no way this can't or won't impact my marriage. I'm trying to keep my mind busy and focus on other things, but even if I get better with that, she's not going away anytime soon. This will clearly be a process.

 

OK...with that said.

 

The steps are pretty simple. NOT EASY...but simple.

 

Step 1...end the emotional affair with OW.- Tell her it's over. Make it VERY, VERY clear. Spell out to her that you're not going to contact her...and that she is NOT to contact you. You mention that you work together...you're going to have to find a way to negate work contact as much as humanly possible.

 

Step 2...actively PREVENT 'accidental' contact.- Block her number from your phone, block her from your emails, and remove her contact information from your own phone and emails. Perhaps consider changing shifts or work locations so that the two of you no longer interact.

 

Step 3...figure out what is missing in your marriage that needs to be corrected.- Figure out what the gaps are in your marriage...this is where counseling can help quite a bit. A big part of this is also convincing your wife of the need to have those gaps filled...which most likely will mean confessing to her about the EA. She needs to know how critical it is to your marriage to fix these issues.

 

Step 4...grieve the 'loss' of the relationship with OW.- It's not just going to "go away"...you're going to have to deal with it. And you're probably going to have to deal with your wife's devestation over the affair as well. Life is not going to be easy during this, my friend.

 

There's a general outline for you.

 

The first step is yours to make.

[recklesskelly]

OK...with that said.

 

The steps are pretty simple. NOT EASY...but simple.

 

Step 1...end the emotional affair with OW.- Tell her it's over. Make it VERY, VERY clear. Spell out to her that you're not going to contact her...and that she is NOT to contact you. You mention that you work together...you're going to have to find a way to negate work contact as much as humanly possible.

 

Step 2...actively PREVENT 'accidental' contact.- Block her number from your phone, block her from your emails, and remove her contact information from your own phone and emails. Perhaps consider changing shifts or work locations so that the two of you no longer interact.

 

Step 3...figure out what is missing in your marriage that needs to be corrected.- Figure out what the gaps are in your marriage...this is where counseling can help quite a bit. A big part of this is also convincing your wife of the need to have those gaps filled...which most likely will mean confessing to her about the EA. She needs to know how critical it is to your marriage to fix these issues.

 

Step 4...grieve the 'loss' of the relationship with OW.- It's not just going to "go away"...you're going to have to deal with it. And you're probably going to have to deal with your wife's devestation over the affair as well. Life is not going to be easy during this, my friend.

 

There's a general outline for you.

 

The first step is yours to make.

 

Thanks, Owl. With step 1, she will want know why we're not talking anymore. How do I respond to that? I know I'm having an emotional affair, but maybe she isn't. For all I know, I'm crushing on her and she just enjoys my friendship.

[recklesskelly]

It was interesting that she took a 45 minute break with her best female friend today, possibly lending credence to the fact that she has some feelings for me, too. I've long suspected I come up in those conversations. If true, I've got a tough road ahead. Hell, she was wondering if I was OK after not talking to her for a mere 7 hours last week!

[recklesskelly]

You out there, Owl and others?

[Owl]

Thanks, Owl. With step 1, she will want know why we're not talking anymore. How do I respond to that? I know I'm having an emotional affair, but maybe she isn't. For all I know, I'm crushing on her and she just enjoys my friendship.

 

You tell her why...point blank, up front.

 

Make it clear, so she's got no reason to come back to you for "closure" later.

 

"I'm feeling more for you than I should, and that's not good for my marriage, nor for our work relationship. With that said, I want to back off, work on my marriage, and just maintain our interaction as WORK ONLY."

[recklesskelly]

You tell her why...point blank, up front.

 

Make it clear, so she's got no reason to come back to you for "closure" later.

 

"I'm feeling more for you than I should, and that's not good for my marriage, nor for our work relationship. With that said, I want to back off, work on my marriage, and just maintain our interaction as WORK ONLY."

 

Wow. I can do this, but it seems like I'd be hurting her in the interest of protecting myself. Guess life is full of such decisions.

[carhill]

OP, have you ever been rejected? Hurts, doesn't it? Yet you went on and are here today, not in a body bag somewhere, right?

 

She'll be fine. Trust me. It's not as big a deal to her as you might think. Maybe a sting and that's it.

[recklesskelly]

OP, have you ever been rejected? Hurts, doesn't it? Yet you went on and are here today, not in a body bag somewhere, right?

 

She'll be fine. Trust me. It's not as big a deal to her as you might think. Maybe a sting and that's it.

 

You're right. I'm finding that focusing on some of her negative qualities and avoiding her around work is helping a bunch.

 

I want to block her from my instant messenger at work, but that could backfire if she comes by my desk and sees I've cut her off. Would make an uncomfortable conversation.

[Owl]

Here's the thing...once you allowed communications to "cross that line" to a point where you're falling for her...either she or your wife was bound to be hurt.

 

That simple.

 

IF she feels as strongly as you do...then she needs that 'closure' to understand why you shut down communications.

 

If she doesn't...then she's not going to be nearly as hurt as you're worried about, will she?

 

And at some point...you have to decide where your responsibilities are. Do you owe your loyalty and concern for your wife...or for her?

 

Again...once you allowed your feelings to cross that line, that conflict became inevitable. You're no longer able to say 'both'.

 

Let me ask you this...what OTHER method do you see to end the affair and safeguard your marriage?