My sister has cut me off. Can I do anything? Should I?

[Sophiegirl]

My sister and I, I think, have always had a good, but not super close relationship. Over the last few years, she and her husband have become more conservative and my husband and I have become more liberal. I've also had some real marriage problems in the last few years which I've mostly tried to keep to myself. We started counselling about a year ago and it absolutely saved our marriage. We are stronger than ever. My sister has occassionally expressed concern over my marriage and has sometimes seemed annoyed when I talk positively of my husband. She found out about our therapy shortly before this all started.

 

Ok, so about 6 months ago my husband and I were both scheduled to be out of town the same weekend. Mine was for fun, his for work. I mentioned to my sister that I was going away and that we had a trusted college-aged sitter watching our 2 kids, 8 and 4. She said that was silly, she would take them. So she watched my 2 boys from late Friday night to late Sunday night. When we are there, she mentions her boys (twins 12, boy 8) all have had strep and are on a 2nd round of antibiotics.

 

We get home after the weekend and my son, 8, comes down with strep. I say we should call and let my sister know her kids should go back to the doc because they probably still have strep. Son calls and tells my BIL, "tell M (nephew 12) thanks a lot for giving me strep" *giggle* and he hangs up. Not the best phone etiquitte, I know. My sister shoots me an email asking me to not allow son G to *harrass* BIL. I call her to say sorry, G was joking around. My sister goes OFF for 30+ minutes on all the ways my son G and husband are jerks. She says my kids were "brats" and did things like saying, "I want a go-gurt" without a please and whining when it was time to leave a carnival, and not getting in the car when asked. I'm dumbfounded and ask if we can talk later, I'm too stunned.

 

I email her saying that I'm shocked to find out she hates MY SON and husband and that I'd rather she didn't share these feelings with me. She railes for 4-5 paragraphs about how hard it is to stand by and watch my husband treat me the way he does and to watch my son turn into my husband. (for the record, my husband acted like an ass for about a year, yes, but he's never cheated, never abused me in any way, always been a responsible dad, always kept a job, etc. He was just sort of lazy and snarky which I learned in therapy was absolutely partially my fault as well.)

 

I called her a week later to see if we could make nice, she goes on for another HOUR about what jerks everyone in my family is and adds on that I'm a terrible daughter to my parents and a terrible granddaughter to my grandma. At this point I'm hysterical and my husband calls her and apologizes for his year as a lazy jerk and assures her that is behind him and that he hopes she can see past it now. He tells her that yelling at me and judging my family is not the way forward. She apologizes to HIM, but never me. She tells me I cannot attend her kids bday.

 

I have to tell my mom that we can't drive together to my nephews' birthday because I'm not invited. My sis calls me hours later to apologize "for the WAY she said things but not what she said" and invites me to the birthdays. I say we already made alternate plans and I'd send a gift.

 

My sister then chastizes me for my politics on Facebook, defriends me on Facebook and calls my son "abhorrent". She tells me not to turn a blind eye to what his teachers are telling about him and that my unwillingness to address his problems will cause him to grow up into a terrible person. His teachers say he's delightful and he gets very high marks at school?!?!?!? he was invited to be a peer helper for socially challenged children?!?! My son is loud and very very high energy, but he is sweet, smart and has many many friends. No one else has ever expressed any concern over his behavior beyond a few comments about not being organized and being a little antsy.

 

After all of this, I invited her to G's 9th birthday but said if she attacked my family in any way, she would need to leave. She responded that she doesn't want to come anyway and we probably shouldn't see each other anymore. She then sent G an e-card that said she "can't wait to see him" and that he should watch the mail for a present. 2 weeks later DH emailed her asking if we should still expect that present because G was sad it wasn't coming. She responded, "It's coming." and we finally, 4 weeks after the party got a gift card. G knows something is wrong. I don't know how to address this with him, but I know I need to because kids will make up a reason that will always mean they caused it.

 

I don't know what to do. The basis for all of this is according to her a lack of manners by my family. We apparently don't say please and thank you enough (my kids aren't awesome at this, I'll admit that but they are kind and empathetic boys and the pleases and thank yous are getting better).

 

Any insight? I have NOT EVER attacked or criticized her or her family. I have asked her to stop attacking mine and she will not. She believes 100% that she NEEDS to tell me how horrible my family is to save me from *something* but I don't know what. Our last conversation she attacked my church, my politics, everything.

 

Two other pieces that might be relevant, (1) I was the favored sibling by my parents, the so called "good" girl to her "bad" girl (silly bad like drinking in high school and sneaking out) and (2) she has a history of depression and I have cut out my grandmother that has depression (probably narcissistic personality disorder) and his truly a terrible person to be around, AND verbally abusive to my mother. My sister thinks that now that grandma is sick and dying, all is forgiven and I think that's easy for her to say 6hrs away when I'm here to listen to my grandma still be mean with every word to my mom.

 

I feel like accepting that our relationship is over is wrong. I feel like taking this abuse is wrong. I don't know what to do.