She cancelled our date, I don't really care

[GivenUp0083]

I guess I'm just reflecting a little in this post, but a girl I was supposed to go on a 3rd date with (first two dates seemed to have gone pretty well and she sounded excited for a third) texted me the day of to tell me she didn't think it was going to work out. I didn't really respond because, well, I just didn't know what to say and at that point I didn't care. All I needed to know was that she didn't want to go out again and I don't care to know anything more.

 

I'm somewhat surprised to see that I really don't care that much. In the past, when I first started online dating, I had issues. I would get anxiety attacks over whether or not a girl I went out with once, twice, multiple times had interest or not. This would cause me to over-analyze and drive myself nuts trying to figure it out. Since seeing a therapist a couple times about it I was able to let it go and look at dating differently.

 

Then I met a woman that I fell in love with very early on and she lead me to believe for the next 5 months that she felt as strongly as I did. I actually thought she loved me more than I did but I found out later that she had serious doubts and never really cared that strongly. I was heartbroken. It took me probably 2-3 full months to get over.

 

Now I do what I want, started dating some more, met a couple women that I didn't have emotional interest in but they have been interested in me sexually and have remained FWB. I haven't really faced a rejection since my big breakup until now and I just don't really care that much.

 

I don't know if it's because I've been smoking pot maybe once a week or once every 2 weeks (mostly on weekends), or if I've just been burned to the point where I don't feel anything anymore. I mean, I don't think I felt super strong chemistry with this last girl, even though I liked her and I thought she was attractive and seemed like a really nice girl (many of the same qualities as my last gf whom I fell in love with), but I just wasn't nuts about her. It was only 2 dates, but still, I think I may be losing the ability to care for a woman emotionally.

 

I think as bad as it is to lose that ability to love someone, I think it's almost for the better because if you allow yourself to love someone you can be hurt so badly, beyond what you can imagine. Is it worth the ability to love knowing the odds are you will just feel pain in the end? Or would you rather feel nothing and not be able to be hurt again.

 

Right now, I'm leaning toward being thankful for the latter.

Edited September 26, 2011 by GivenUp0083

[Emilia]

You will recover. Emotional states and emotional availability changes in life as we go through different experiences, it's not constant. You will meet someone new you find amazing, you will be hopefully a bit more cautious and will allow the two of you to get to know eachother rather than get carried away too soon. I think you are just learning to be cautious.

[TheSingleGuy]

Amen, brother. I have been blown off by so many women over the last few years that I am emotionless at this point. It still tears me up pretty good when they blow me off, but it's happened so many times now, I guess I'm getting used to it.

 

Maybe I should go see a therapist about this too.

[GivenUp0083]

Maybe I should go see a therapist about this too.

 

In all honesty, therapy was awesome. I only went 3 times to resolve my issues, but I definitely miss going. If you find a therapist you trust and get along with, it's really great because you can tell them anything, you can get anything off your chest and they will have your undivided attention and will work with you. I always felt 100% better after walking out of therapy. I also never thought I could change my perception on life and dating so easily and in such a way that would improve how I felt.

[TheSingleGuy]

Yeah, it just kills me how women can act so into you when you meet them, then flake out on a date at the last minute. And there's never an explanation. They just flake out and never explain WHY they are doing it. Is there an ex-boyfriend that's re-entered the picture? Did another guy who's more attractive than me ask for your number recently? Did I say something that made me go from hero to zero? I never have any idea. No clue whatsoever.

 

That's why with this new girl, when I dump her, I'm just gonna close all communication with her, absolutely nothing in terms of an explanation. I'm just gonna evaporate into thin air. My own little way of getting even with the female species. I've done it before and I gotta say it's interesting and quite the ego boost to see a woman send e-mails and text messages and letters in the mail saying how much she thought we were perfect and in love, etc. **** 'em. Sorry bitches.

 

Yes, I'm severely jaded and I have issues. I know that. Maybe I need a therapist.

[GivenUp0083]

Yeah, it just kills me how women can act so into you when you meet them, then flake out on a date at the last minute. And there's never an explanation. They just flake out and never explain WHY they are doing it. Is there an ex-boyfriend that's re-entered the picture? Did another guy who's more attractive than me ask for your number recently? Did I say something that made me go from hero to zero? I never have any idea. No clue whatsoever.

 

That's why with this new girl, when I dump her, I'm just gonna close all communication with her, absolutely nothing in terms of an explanation. I'm just gonna evaporate into thin air. My own little way of getting even with the female species. I've done it before and I gotta say it's interesting and quite the ego boost to see a woman send e-mails and text messages and letters in the mail saying how much she thought we were perfect and in love, etc. **** 'em. Sorry bitches.

 

Yes, I'm severely jaded and I have issues. I know that. Maybe I need a therapist.

 

I think therapy would definitely help you man, not saying that in a mean way or anything, only because I felt the same way before I went into it.

 

I used to wonder WHY they ended it? Many of the women didn't even TELL ME they weren't interested, they'd just ignore my calls after 4 dates where we'd make out afterward.

 

Here's how I view this now: I'm better than them. I'm a better person. I'm true to myself and I'm real.

 

Women who can pretend to be interested when they aren't are fake and deceptive and they are people I want nothing to do with, so once I realize that, I no longer care to see them again.

 

I no longer care about why it's over. All I care about is if they want to go out with me or not, and if the answer is no, that is reason enough. It's reason enough because I would not want to date someone who does not want to date me. Simple enough.

 

I no longer look to myself for blame. I used to look in the mirror and ask myself what I did wrong. What did I do to turn them off? I thought I surely must be doing something to scare them away and I don't know what it is. I realized that their inability to connect with me or give me a respectful departure speaks more about them as a person than it does about me. If they decided not to date me anymore, here's what I say to myself: I'm a great dude and I know what I can offer in a relationship and someday I will meet a girl that appreciates that. This girl didn't see it or appreciate it or didn't give the chance so it is her mistake for ending it and not mine. I'm true to myself, I was respectful and kind and funny, she is the one missing out.

 

Also, from a guy's position, time is on our side. I have very close female friends and they do NOT have time on their side. Their looks only decrease with age, they will only gain more weight, and they can have children for only so long. Women whom pass an opportunity up with a great guy like me is only making it tougher for herself in the future, and as time goes on my value will only go up as men whom are relationship minded later in life are a rare commodity.

[Frogwife]

I'm not sure why contacting you before your date to tell you that she had changed her mind about dating you is considered being "blown off" or "flaking out". She was honest enough to be upfront and not lead you on. Better to find out now than after you got emotionally invested and/or better that she didn't just disappear.

 

I just had a situation where I met a man for drinks that I met through an activity site (like Meetup). We'd been emailing for awhile, I was going through a difficult separation and wasn't up to seeing anyone. Finally we meet, we have a great evening, he contacts me the next day, said what a great time he had and how he wants to see me as soon as possible and gave me a choice of dates the next week. Wonderful, I chose Wednesday and I told him I was really looking forward to it. Emailed to confirm. No response. Six days later, Wednesday arrives and I get a very apologetic phone call saying how sorry he was, he's been busy with work, he really wants to see me the following Saturday as well as some affectionate words, Je t'embrasse, etc.

 

I call him back an hour later (I was at work when he called), "Great, sounds wonderful, see you then. Looking forward to it". Emailed him the next day to confirm. And I never heard from him again. Two weeks later, still haven't heard anything.

 

Point being - this happens to both men and women. Yes, it was very disappointing but I would rather know this now than later. It was nice that your friend didn't leave you wondering and was respectful enough to at least let you know what her feelings were.

Edited September 26, 2011 by Frogwife

[GivenUp0083]

I'm not sure why contacting you before your date to tell you that she had changed her mind about dating you is considered being "blown off" or "flaking out". She was honest enough to be upfront and not lead you on. Better to find out now than after you got emotionally invested and/or better that she didn't just disappear.

 

Well, the definition of a "flake" is someone who changes their mind and falls off pre-planned events easily or last minute, you know, like "flaking off". So by agreeing a date 5 days earlier, then deciding that day not to go out with me is a flake. I don't hold it against her.

 

I just had a situation where I met a man for drinks that I met through an activity site (like Meetup). We'd been emailing for awhile, I was going through a difficult separation and wasn't up to seeing anyone. Finally we meet, we have a great evening, he contacts me the next day to meet the following Wednesday. Wonderful, I told him I was really looking forward to it. Emailed to confirm. No response. Six days later, Wednesday arrives and I get a very apologetic phone call saying how sorry he was, he's been busy with work, he really wants to see me the following Saturday as well as some affectionate words.

 

I call him back an hour later (I was at work when he called), "Great, sounds wonderful, see you then. Looking forward to it". Emailed him the next day to confirm. And I never heard from him again. Two weeks later, still haven't heard anything.

 

Hey, I've been there before and I agree with you. This girl could've just stood me up and not called me again or anything. I think I'm emotionally prepared for this now, it's happened to me enough times to where I just don't get surprised by this behavior and I no longer care if it happens. Doesn't change the fact they're flakes.

 

Point being - this happens to both men and women. Yes, it was very disappointing but I would rather know this now than later. It was nice that your friend didn't leave you wondering and was respectful enough to at least let you know what her feelings were.

 

I totally respect that about her too, again, I don't hold her decision against her. Trust me when I say I wish my last gf had never gotten me past the 3rd date, I almost wish I had never met her or ever felt for her. So this girl dropping me before the 3rd date was good because I didn't have to spend the time or the money on a lost cause. I'm okay with it. I actually just don't care about it.

[TheSingleGuy]

Forgwife, I never meet women on line. I only meet them out in public, typically restaurant bars and sometimes bars. I don't go for a number unless I sense she's really into me and I've got a good chance. There's something between us. And I seldom go for a number unless I've engaged the woman in conversation for at least an hour. Then they flake, and I have no idea why.

 

As for you and your situation, yes, I would say if a guy makes no more investment than E-MAILING you, it stands to reason he's E-MAILING dozens of other women too, and it doesn't surprise me that the flake went the other way around. E-MAIL takes no balls, no stones, at all.

 

One thing about men, the more INVESTMENT we make, the more we care. Approaching, in real life, is a risk, it's an investment. Asking for the number, again, a risk, another investment. Asking for the first date, another investment, another risk. My advice is meet men in real life, not on the internet.

[Frogwife]

Forgwife, I never meet women on line. I only meet them out in public, typically restaurant bars and sometimes bars. I don't go for a number unless I sense she's really into me and I've got a good chance. There's something between us. And I seldom go for a number unless I've engaged the woman in conversation for at least an hour. Then they flake, and I have no idea why.

 

As for you and your situation, yes, I would say if a guy makes no more investment than E-MAILING you, it stands to reason he's E-MAILING dozens of other women too, and it doesn't surprise me that the flake went the other way around. E-MAIL takes no balls, no stones, at all.

 

One thing about men, the more INVESTMENT we make, the more we care. Approaching, in real life, is a risk, it's an investment. Asking for the number, again, a risk, another investment. Asking for the first date, another investment, another risk. My advice is meet men in real life, not on the internet.

 

Yeah, I don't meet a lot of men in bars. Not my typical place to hang out. I meet them through activities (like this particular man - we met through a French activity group - like Meetup - where you plan activities - theater, concerts, dinners out, other social activities). So it's in-person activities and we kept in contact through email and then arranged this one-to-one date. I keep in contact with a lot of my friends through email (especially being an ex-pat, I have no other choice).

 

I certainly don't think keeping in contact with people by email - whether it's a romantic interest or not - means we have "no stones" nor does meeting people in bars guarantee success (as you've clearly shown with the number of flakes you've spoken about).

[GivenUp0083]

Forgwife, I never meet women on line. I only meet them out in public, typically restaurant bars and sometimes bars. I don't go for a number unless I sense she's really into me and I've got a good chance. There's something between us. And I seldom go for a number unless I've engaged the woman in conversation for at least an hour. Then they flake, and I have no idea why.

 

As for you and your situation, yes, I would say if a guy makes no more investment than E-MAILING you, it stands to reason he's E-MAILING dozens of other women too, and it doesn't surprise me that the flake went the other way around. E-MAIL takes no balls, no stones, at all.

 

One thing about men, the more INVESTMENT we make, the more we care. Approaching, in real life, is a risk, it's an investment. Asking for the number, again, a risk, another investment. Asking for the first date, another investment, another risk. My advice is meet men in real life, not on the internet.

 

I think viewing your actions as an investment is what's causing issues. I used to see it the same way, but an investment by definition means you give something up in order to get something back later, right? Well by asking a girl out and making a call and asking her to go on a date is not an investment because you don't lose anything for doing it. You have nothing to lose by asking her for a date. You have nothing to lose if she says no because you were already single and didn't have a date for friday night anyway.

 

Think of asking women out as you get an At Bat (your dating life) but you get an unlimited number of swings (chances to ask her out) that won't count against you. So all these pitches come by, each one different (pitches = women) and you can swing at whatever one you like. If you don't swing you won't know if you could hit it out of the park or not, and all you need is one HR to win.

[OliveOyl]

I think viewing your actions as an investment is what's causing issues. I used to see it the same way, but an investment by definition means you give something up in order to get something back later, right? Well by asking a girl out and making a call and asking her to go on a date is not an investment because you don't lose anything for doing it. You have nothing to lose by asking her for a date. You have nothing to lose if she says no because you were already single and didn't have a date for friday night anyway.

 

Think of asking women out as you get an At Bat (your dating life) but you get an unlimited number of swings (chances to ask her out) that won't count against you. So all these pitches come by, each one different (pitches = women) and you can swing at whatever one you like. If you don't swing you won't know if you could hit it out of the park or not, and all you need is one HR to win.

 

I think that's a really cool way to look at it, GU0083. Kudos on turning your thinking around.