How skewed is the perspective on these forums?

[jordjones]

It seems that there is a common bitterness in the Love Shack forums - most seem very hurt, adhere to strict, hardcore No Contact to the end, and are extremely pessimistic about the chances of reconciliation.

 

Yet, when speaking with friends and family about their previous relationships, it seems quite common for couples to breakup and get back together again; in fact, it happens all of the time.

 

I suppose that many people in these forums are extremely hurt and depressed - I know I was when I joined about a month ago. But everybody should hold their head high and realize that what we're all going through is just a phase...

 

In time, you may very well be back with your ex. However, this will only happen when you get your head on straight, and your life back on track - if you're taking those steps, you have every right to be optimistic about your future romantic prospects - whether those are with your ex or somebody better.

 

Cheers!

[0hpenelope]

Well, it's common to see bitterness here. "Birds of a feather flock together" and all of that. Everyone's projecting their own pain and it's helpful for a while to bond with people on the same thoughts and hurt feelings, but it's a short-term sort of help. Some people don't move past this stage and they don't see that, in the end, it's only hurtful to themselves and gets to the point that the current embittered state of mind has got nothing to do with the person who hurt them anymore.

 

Thinking things like "Oh, how do you know that your ex won't leave you again?", "The ex is an ex for a reason," etc., I've found, are extremely short-sighted and, for those interested in getting back with someone, self-defeating. "People don't change" is a common theme, but as one of the more optimistic members of the boards, I say "People don't change because they don't want to or don't see the need to change." Earnest change is hard. People are creatures of habit and if, in our opinion, what we've always done has worked for us, then why do we have to change anything?

 

In any case, I have seen different. The trick is to not dwell there for too long, to the point where it's keeping us from meeting and being open to other people, relationships, and experiences. Reconciliations do happen.

[flitzanu]

people here are playing the basic "law of averages".

 

how many people do you know out of ten, that have broken up violently and reconciled? one? then start pushing that out, exponentially. just because a friend of a friend knows that one person that this happened with doesn't make it a rule, it makes it the exception.

 

the idea here is that "all" of us have gone through this same situation, and "all" of them have had the same outcome, same reasons, same everything.

 

those things are the standard.

 

now if 100% of everyone you know has ended relationships and reconciled, then your perception would obviously be much different.

[jordjones]

I don't believe that people on here are basing their feelings on the "law of averages" at all. A significant proportion of breakups eventually lead to reconciliation - I know of many instances of friends/family breaking up and getting back together after various amounts of time.

 

With that said, I also believe that those behaving in an extremely depressed/crushed manner, have the least likelihood of reconciliation - such behavior gives too much power to the ex and is simply unattractive. It would make sense that much of the Love Shack crowd is or has been incredibly depressed over the loss of a loved one - I know I was when I joined a month ago. It then follows that the forums would be particularly negative about reconciliation (not to mention unsuccessful) and more in the "move on, no contact at all cost" camp.

 

 

 

people here are playing the basic "law of averages".

 

how many people do you know out of ten, that have broken up violently and reconciled? one? then start pushing that out, exponentially. just because a friend of a friend knows that one person that this happened with doesn't make it a rule, it makes it the exception.

 

the idea here is that "all" of us have gone through this same situation, and "all" of them have had the same outcome, same reasons, same everything.

 

those things are the standard.

 

now if 100% of everyone you know has ended relationships and reconciled, then your perception would obviously be much different.

[Lis007]

Its also different if you have children and you have shared care of them because contact is inevitable and its regular and you will probably continue having contact for a long time.

 

I always have hope for reconciliation and can't wait for the day I can share that here...

 

Just last night we had a family birthday and I cried in pain at what we have lost later but at the same time we had so much fun with the children at the dinner nobody would have guessed we were separated.

 

Its hard but i don't believe its impossible to reconcile if mutual respect and love exist in the relationship.

[norajane]

It seems that there is a common bitterness in the Love Shack forums - most seem very hurt, adhere to strict, hardcore No Contact to the end, and are extremely pessimistic about the chances of reconciliation.

 

Yet, when speaking with friends and family about their previous relationships, it seems quite common for couples to breakup and get back together again; in fact, it happens all of the time.

 

Yes, it's possible. But did those family and friends tell you how they got back together? My guess is it involved some necessary time apart where each person had to get their own act together, one way or another, before they could become a couple that could commit, emotionally and mentally.

 

Most people who post here are asking about recent break-ups. And it's not likely that getting back together, if recent with little time apart, would have given either of them much time to reflect and work on their "sh*t" first. So no, chances aren't good that people will get back together, or get back together successfully since nothing much changed within either of them or was resolved by them together.

[EgoJoe]

Not all of us are bitter. Some of us despite nasty situations, upbringings and hard times still want to focus on the good and grow. Yet to maximize this we must be realistic.

 

I'm not in hardcore No Contact yet I won't respond to anything that isn't sincere or congenial. Sometimes NC is about enforcing healthy boundaries.

Edited September 26, 2011 by EgoJoe

[Black_Francis]

The very act of posting about personal situations like breakups on web forums is going to skew the stats to the aspect of a certain kind of person who searches for comfort online. Hey, I'm just as guilty, I posted about my breakup an hour ago *grin*

 

Most people I know IRL wouldn't even do it to be honest. They'd just grin and bear it, take comfort from family and friends, and see what tomorrow brings. And yeah, I know loads of relationships that reconciled well (the theme of a successful reconciliation is always positive resolution to old issues, forgiveness and time). I also know loads of platonic friendships that became truly successful relationships. My two best friends married old school friends, and are both incredibly happily married.

Edited September 26, 2011 by Black_Francis

[carhill]

Yet, when speaking with friends and family about their previous relationships, it seems quite common for couples to breakup and get back together again; in fact, it happens all of the time.

None of my male friends have ever reconciled with their exW's. I've never gotten back together with an ex in my life. Can't imagine sharing the same air as my exW day to day. Most of the anecdotes I can share of 'reconciliation' are MW's who cheated on their husbands, separated and rubber banded a few times before divorcing. If I think of any exceptions, I'll add them.

 

As far as 'NC', every woman who's ever broken up with me has never been heard from again. My exW and I communicated only because of the D and mutual friends. She was the same way with her second exH.

 

I'll have to think hard about the platonic to romantic dynamic but I know for a fact none of my female friends (I've had plenty) were ever interested in more with myself, nor generally (a few exceptions when I was young and dumb) was I . Regardless, no romantic relationships ever evolved from the great platonic friendships I've had.

 

Now, I've got a MW (exW's best friend) who's getting a D and she hit up on my pretty good while married and a 'friend', so I'll see how that goes. My instinct is that it was merely situational ego gratification but I guess an open mind is healthy.

 

How 'skewed' are the forums? Well, most people post problems so I guess they're skewed towards conflict, hurt, and anger. When people feel great, they're usually out living life and enjoying it, not here, unless, like myself, they enjoy discussions and helping people.

 

That's my take....

[january2011]

"Previous relationships" suggests that they did not work out in the end, no matter how many times they broke up and got back together again. Some people live their lives like that. I suspect that most people don't. That is, once they break up, they're done.

 

And yes, as Carhill posted, people come here to post their problems and thus the skew.

 

No contact is meant to be a positive strategy. The hook upon which it is hung is about giving yourself time and space to heal from the break up without interference from your ex. I don't see a huge gap between that and what you've posted in your final paragraph.

 

Oh and it's worth watching out for false positives. A month from a breakup, I've no doubt some people will have healed. But it's more likely that it will take more time than that for the peaks and troughs to stabilise. Oh, how I remember that period of euphoria and feeling that I was healed before the next dip. I didn't know I was still faking it until I was really tested.

[aerogurl87]

It seems that there is a common bitterness in the Love Shack forums - most seem very hurt, adhere to strict, hardcore No Contact to the end, and are extremely pessimistic about the chances of reconciliation.

 

Yet, when speaking with friends and family about their previous relationships, it seems quite common for couples to breakup and get back together again; in fact, it happens all of the time.

 

I suppose that many people in these forums are extremely hurt and depressed - I know I was when I joined about a month ago. But everybody should hold their head high and realize that what we're all going through is just a phase...

 

In time, you may very well be back with your ex. However, this will only happen when you get your head on straight, and your life back on track - if you're taking those steps, you have every right to be optimistic about your future romantic prospects - whether those are with your ex or somebody better.

 

Cheers!

 

This forum is filled with lots of hurt people, so lots of pessimism here. I for one though think that if you do improve yourself and your ex is being open to you and is more or less on the fence still about the break up that you do stand a chance of having a reconcilliation. Now sometimes that takes months or even years to get, which is another problem I see here. People are impatient here.

 

Reconcilliations don't always happen over night or within a week. When I first came to this part of LS, people told me I was crazy for pining over my ex for over a year while he was dating other people. Told me he'd never want me back and I was wasting my time. But within two years of us breaking up, he was back apologising and begging for me to come see him so we could get back together. So it can happen if the circumstances are right I believe.

[TheDovic]

Well said dude, nice to see a ray of light the odd time!

 

In saying that I think the people on this site have seen a lot of hurt. Furthermore, the majority of broken up couples don't seem to get back together, so in a way it's as though everyone on here is trying to help stop each other from getting hurt over and over again.

[Popondetta]

Yes, it's possible. But did those family and friends tell you how they got back together? My guess is it involved some necessary time apart where each person had to get their own act together, one way or another, before they could become a couple that could commit, emotionally and mentally.

 

Most people who post here are asking about recent break-ups. And it's not likely that getting back together, if recent with little time apart, would have given either of them much time to reflect and work on their "sh*t" first. So no, chances aren't good that people will get back together, or get back together successfully since nothing much changed within either of them or was resolved by them together.

 

I agree with you and also with the starter of this thread. I think there is a lot of bitterness on this forum and it is no surprise since we have all been hurt and the most active people in here are the ones most recently hurt. I do belive in a lot of the advice given and I do belive in staying pretty strict NC (to avoid getting your hopes up and slowly get the other person out of your system).

 

Well, what happended to me you can read in my previous threads. BF of 2 years broke up because he didnt know what he wanted. No cheating or anything. On a break for 3 months and broken up the next 3 months. I was devastated....heartbroken AND unemployed. Then one day I met him by coincidence outside my door. We chatted a little, and since then we have stayed in touch. In the beginning it was awkward to meet, but now it feels like we're back to dating. He has told me that he feels it was wrong to break up but we are in no rush and taking things slowly (nothing physical except hugs but he looks at me that special way again). It feels good. Its almost been a year since everything started, and in the meantime I've gotten myself a great job which makes me a lot more positive in general.

 

I was very active in here seaking advice but then I had enough when I got a lot negative feedback on me seeing my ex again (I know everybody who gave advice just meant to be nice and just didn't want to see me crushed again, but I had to make up my own mind and take it at my own pace).

 

My thoughts:

-Your ex might come back and it might work out (not saying it wll for me, but it just might)

-In the meantime you need to stay NC as much as you can

-Try to do something positive for yourself (a new hobby, a new job, see friends, talk about stuff with friends, go out and pretend to have fun...)

-Not all dumpers are full of confidence and think they have all the power in the world. Most of them wont come crawling back but they might just come back in their own careful way. (My ex wasn't sure what I was thinking when he told me he regretted breaking up....he thought I might have met somebody new and didnt know anything about how sad I had been).

-Remember you are not in a hurry even though it feels like you are.

-You will need time apart before you can try getting back together!!! Otherwise you will not be yourself when you start dating again. You have to be the old you before he/she can fall for you again.

-All situations/breakups/people are different, so be wise and open, but don't let anyone use you/your body. I think you can tell the difference between someone who really wants to try again, and someone who just wants to use you for sex/fun.

-I might be wrong

 

I wish you all the best!!!!

Sorry about the bad english,-not my first language

Edited September 27, 2011 by Popondetta
extra info

[Diogenes]

How do you handle the trust issue if they do come back? Even I loved my wife more than my own life for 24 years, I feel that betrayal of trust being almost impossible to deal with.

[The_Good_Me]

How do you handle the trust issue if they do come back? Even I loved my wife more than my own life for 24 years, I feel that betrayal of trust being almost impossible to deal with.

 

That is something that would take time and patience from both of you if you were to reconcile. Your ex would have to realise and accept that your confidence in her is broken and it needs time to repair over a long period of time. She would also have to be extremely patient and understanding while you worked on it during the relationship.

 

I've posted this before elsewhere but I have seen this first hand. My sister was in a 5 year relationship, left her bf and hooked up with someone else. After 3 months she went back to her original bf begging for him to take her back. He did but it took him years to fully get over it and trust her again. 5.5 years have passed since then and only within the last 6 months has he totally gotten over it. They are getting married next year.

 

My sister, although she created the mess has redeemed herself over the years as she had to put up with her bf not totally trusting her which she took responsibility for. It would have been easy for her to get fed up of not being trusted and move onto someone else without all the baggage. She didn't though, she stuck with it because she loved him and it's made them the strongest couple I know of today.

 

Just know that it would take time and a lot of it, but it would be worth it in the end. Instant forgivess and full trust in the event of an ex coming back is impossible imho.

[norajane]

How do you handle the trust issue if they do come back? Even I loved my wife more than my own life for 24 years, I feel that betrayal of trust being almost impossible to deal with.

 

Open and honest communication, discussion, and persistence. Time. Lots of time. Identifying what was going on with her, and what was going on with you, and what was going on in your marriage at the time. Admitting that nothing happens in a vacuum. More communication and working through the issues identified. Sincere and genuine desire to reconcile, even if it's hard work.

 

I think it also requires acknowledgment within oneself that we are all human, we all f*ck up sometimes, and we sure hope that someone will forgive us when we f*ck up. NONE of us are immune from f*cking up. Marriage is not a guarantee that we won't f*ck up. No one said it would always be sunshine and roses; no one said it would be easy.

[M2155]

So yes by default it's skewed to dumpee experience and most people are here because they've been hurt, left without answers and probably- well probably almost always, want their ex back. (That was certainly me and after some time now, I don't think I do anymore.)

 

However if this was balanced with "happily broken up" people and dumpers, do you really think the advice would be any different? I've had good breakups and you know what I did after? I went NC, not as an official healing strategy (I'd never heard of "NC") but just because there is no good reason to talk and regardless of how smooth it was, there are feelings and time for detachment is needed. I've gotten back with an ex in my day and I've also become friends with some of them.

 

I do believe that focusing on getting your ex back instead of focusing on yourself, is exactly what not to do to get your ex back. A lot of people are very emotional and that's not the right mindset to move on or get your ex back (or anyone else for that matter). So it may seem the common advice is "forget about him/her, go NC, become yourself again and then the other person may worry/wonder and reach out to you." I've also seen instances where the advice is NOT always to go NC, it just may feel skewed because that's not what people want to hear. Also a lot of people just want to understand why/how could they etc... I know for me it was interesting to see so many people with such similar experiences and reactions.

 

I believe in 2nd chances, if you know my story, my ex went back to his after almost 2 years and they are super lovey-dovey so that is definitley proof. I also believe sometimes being apart is what you need to bring you closer in the long run. Timing plays a part too. But NC/LC or whatever is almost always neccessary in any case. Sure the majority of time they DON'T come back, so since you can't control another person you should focus on what you can control- making yourself better/stronger/wiser. If and when they come back, you can approach it with a new sense of self and hopefully more clear expectations for the new relationship.

Edited September 28, 2011 by M2155

[Popondetta]

So yes by default it's skewed to dumpee experience and most people are here because they've been hurt, left without answers and probably- well probably almost always, want their ex back. (That was certainly me and after some time now, I don't think I do anymore.)

 

However if this was balanced with "happily broken up" people and dumpers, do you really think the advice would be any different? I've had good breakups and you know what I did after? I went NC, not as an official healing strategy (I'd never heard of "NC") but just because there is no good reason to talk and regardless of how smooth it was, there are feelings and time for detachment is needed. I've gotten back with an ex in my day and I've also become friends with some of them.

 

I do believe that focusing on getting your ex back instead of focusing on yourself, is exactly what not to do to get your ex back. A lot of people are very emotional and that's not the right mindset to move on or get your ex back (or anyone else for that matter). So it may seem the common advice is "forget about him/her, go NC, become yourself again and then the other person may worry/wonder and reach out to you." I've also seen instances where the advice is NOT always to go NC, it just may feel skewed because that's not what people want to hear. Also a lot of people just want to understand why/how could they etc... I know for me it was interesting to see so many people with such similar experiences and reactions.

 

I believe in 2nd chances, if you know my story, my ex went back to his after almost 2 years and they are super lovey-dovey so that is definitley proof. I also believe sometimes being apart is what you need to bring you closer in the long run. Timing plays a part too. But NC/LC or whatever is almost always neccessary in any case. Sure the majority of time they DON'T come back, so since you can't control another person you should focus on what you can control- making yourself better/stronger/wiser. If and when they come back, you can approach it with a new sense of self and hopefully more clear expectations for the new relationship.

 

I couldn't agree more!

[TLCbear]

Yet, when speaking with friends and family about their previous relationships, it seems quite common for couples to breakup and get back together again; in fact, it happens all of the time.

 

Of course it's quite common, but the real question is: Is it successful. I see people break up and get back together all the time, but it's usually the same ole thing...dealing with the same issues they had originally. I even did it myself...but what's the point of reconciling when the same issues still exists and niether are willing to come together to resolve it.

 

Yes, feeling hurt, depressed, and down is a phase, but at the same time, you can't rush these feelings to go away. It takes time, regardless of what anyone says. Eventually, things will get better, but with time.

[jfLip]

TLCbear & jordjones - I'm begging you guys to help me with my situation. Please give me your input: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t299701/