nonameone Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 I'm a mess. Everyday is awful. I put five year into this relationship. Here's the pattern: I commit to no contact. That lasts exactly as long as it takes for him to send me some pithy little text message or emails me something...just like the old days. Every email exchange is symbolic of our life together-he says something, I respond and all the following exchanges are about him. For some reason I still love him and, just like always, I assume he could be insightful and want to change that part of himself. I spent last night and this morning waiting for his text to come through. He hasn't sent one. What does that mean? He was gone all weekend but did send a text, which I replied to. But nothing since? Did he talk with his friends and they told him to get over me. Did he fly to see his new girlfriend? Honestly, I don't even know if he has a girlfriend- but he did cheat I'm probably not to far off. I turn my phone off secretly hoping their is a text waiting for me. When I do get one all my anxiety and depression goes away. I respond. He ignores my response and I go back into my tailspin. Since I have now resolved to keep no contact- I don't send any messages. But two or three days later I'll get his breadcrumbs and I'll hold on to them hoping I'll get more. I think of semi-valid reasons to interact-things he could help me with (guythings.) We go to dinner. I secretly hope we'll get back together. Then I go for another three days without hearing from him. All this insanity goes on over and over. I know this is crazy. I also know that waiting for it to get easier to maintain no contact isn't going to happen. I'll need to maintain NC knowing it is the only way to get over him. OK...my whining vent is over. It helps to type this, read this, post this.
fallenheart Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 You're right...that is NOT no contact. Why the hell are you still using the same phone number/email address? If you MEAN no contact, then commit to it. You haven't....you're still willing to put up with all his crap just for the leftover scraps of his time and his life that he gives you....when he feels like it, if you're lucky. He's never going to change the pattern....that's up to YOU.
Kageytn Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 Oh, nonameone, we are in the same pattern. The universe/God gave me help this week and destroyed my phone. I could have gotten a new number. I didn't. I woke up with a text at 9 AM yesterday. I didn't respond until 2 but I responded. UGH! I get so mad at myself. Then, he called and I talked to him. He told me he would call me tonight. He's almost...courting me. I am fairly positive he wants me back. He misses me. He doesn't want me back in the way I need him, though. He just wants me to be a puppet on a string. I have to resist, I have to resist, I have to resist. Wanna make a pact? We can check in with each other every day and no responding to their breadcrumbs. We are strong. We can do it. I repeat to myself constantly: I am awesome. I am a woman of value and intergrity. I will fill my own emotional void and I will love myself and make my own happiness. I am getting closer to believing it.
Author nonameone Posted September 26, 2011 Author Posted September 26, 2011 I am up for a pact. I will immediately delete any message I get.
Kageytn Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 Look at me talking a good game. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I'll ignore his phone call tonight. I am suppose to see him this week-dinner. I won't go. I have to do this. I have to do this. I have to do this.
sleepykitten Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 Noname, Kageytn-iam in it with you-I honestly did all those things you did, waiting, analysing, hoping, wondering, hurting, trying nc, immediatly answering, finding out he was with someone else spurred me on, we still met up, he was "confused" said he still loved me, etc was just "filling a hole i had left" by being in a new relationship.....had my ah ha moment then, this guy will always let me down, he is insecure, needy, only wants the good times, I needed to go nc for the right reasons-ME, not to get him back, make him wonder, or worry about what he thinks of it or what he is doing. When I made that pact with myself, to look after myself, my heart, my soul something switched inside me, its been 20 days nc, today was the hardest, he text 9 days ago i didnt reply, i have never done that before. Take each hr, take each day, you are the most important person in your life.
Kageytn Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 I did NOT answer his text or his phone call. I did: Halloween costume shop for my dog (bumblebee, unicorn, devil?) Study for my economics certification test (evil Econ) Work out Enjoy a family dinner I'm so proud!
sleepykitten Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 Well done! LOL re the haloween costume for your dog! I was ok today until this evening and am once again so desperate to break nc, dont know why, just to hear his voice, talk to him, anything-I have to remember it will take me back to square one, he is with someone else now rebound or not, its still someone else, i will be left feeling worse than i do now which isnt too bad considering where i have been months ago. I am going to boxercise.
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