The pain starts now

[nopainlike it]

Okay I am a divorced woman in affair with MM 3 years. This is what happened this weekend.

MM had said he is going to tell his wife many times, he changes his mind often. We both try to end it several times but we keep going back to each other not for sex but we are in love. So in frustration I decide that I should tell the wife this last weekend.

He said he does not care as we have got this far now neither of us knows what to do.So after a very heated argument I send BS ananoymous letter telling her that her husband is having an affair and naming

me I told her i was in the same position and my ex lied about it many times, but she should look back and see the phonecalls and check on their relationship to find the truth as he would probably never tell her. (I knew he would freak and just headbury)

I did not do this out of spite I did this out of frustration, (I don't care if ANYONE on here believes me, so pls don't go there).

I also think she should know that her husband is in love with someone else for over 3 years.

I wanted either to end the affair or get him to face the consequences of it, either moving on with her or me, either way we had come to a stalemate.

 

So this is the reaction, MM comes straight to me to tell me what happened the minute she got the letter.

 

Wife gets letter, asks him if he is having an affair, answer NO

Wife goes to work and says I believe you

 

Following day wife invites family over (!!!) - (yesterday)

 

Wife asks him if he is going to leave her and he says NO

He still denies affair

Wife asks if he loves her and he says Yes

 

So he loves me and her (right)

 

Meanwhile MM tells me to say what i want if she calls but asks me to say nothing that he wants to deny it.that we should wait two week then he says he wants to end the affair and still see me (!)

 

Truth is MM wants to carry on lying and just being miserable, his head is all over the place and he has not slept.

He is in a right state.

He is not in a position to make any decision, so I am just waiting this one out.

 

What I need is to know what BS is thinking, what will happen,

what I should do apart from walk away (I know that). I think this is all going to go very

much further and that the next week is going to be tough as she unravels the truth and puts the pieces together

I told him that he should admit it, if he has any chance with her.

[beyondsad]

I rcvd a letter from other woman telling me to check his phone records too! That letter forever changed me and broke my heart.

 

My h begged me to not leave, would do anything to stay and has kissed my ass for the past three yrs. The OW got thrown under the bus and my H is now the man he wants to be.

 

I try to find something positive out of this ordeal and the only thing I can think of is, it made him realize that grass is not always greener on the other side. I think he also got another chance to start over. Who knows in the long run if it will be alright but I know this the OW in my story thought she would force him to leave me and it back fired. Again, not sure I won the prize but we seem to be ok and I know my famiily is intact and we are ok.

 

I did not need to stay with him for financial reasons so he knew that he gets no other chances and i honestly feel when push came to shove the OW was just not worth loosing his family for.

 

Sorry, my point is why would you continue to be with someone who would intentially string both of you along.

[seren]

My first thought was, why did you have to tell his wife, if he maintains he loves you and wants to leave, why couldn't he do it? It reads like you have told his wife to force his hand. It also reads like he has had an opportunity to leave and has chosen to not only deny you, but also to assure his wife that he loves her and that there is no A. I predict you have been portrayed as a crazy stalker and wonder how 2 weeks will change things, given he has assured her that he loves her.

 

TBH, this sounds like a man who isn't going anywhere unless or until his BS kicks him out, do you really want to be with someone because he was thrown out? 3 years is a long time to see someone, in an A or not, if I were you, I would be running as fast as I could away from a man who having had a golden opportunity to end his mariage chose to not only deny me and stay, but to give reassurance to his wife that he loved her.

 

If I were his wife, I would be getting my ducks in a row, I would be finding out all I could about you and planning my next move, whether that was to contact you or to sit down with my husband and decide what next. The ball is firmly in her court, he sounds like he is doing damage limitation and trying to hang on by denying you.

 

He sounds like a man who is having a dose of reality and doesn't know which way to turn. Now, what about you? What do you want to happen and how do you feel that he has denied you, in effect calling you a liar to his wife and family? You may get a better response on the OW section as they will have more experience of it. I would be asking myself if I really wanted a man who could so easily deny me and when asked by his wife, can lie so easily and say he has no intention of leaving. I predict she will contact you soon or if not, he has you portrayed as a stalker.

[Summer Breeze]

I rcvd a letter from other woman telling me to check his phone records too! That letter forever changed me and broke my heart.

 

My h begged me to not leave, would do anything to stay and has kissed my ass for the past three yrs. The OW got thrown under the bus and my H is now the man he wants to be.

 

I try to find something positive out of this ordeal and the only thing I can think of is, it made him realize that grass is not always greener on the other side. I think he also got another chance to start over. Who knows in the long run if it will be alright but I know this the OW in my story thought she would force him to leave me and it back fired. Again, not sure I won the prize but we seem to be ok and I know my famiily is intact and we are ok.

 

I did not need to stay with him for financial reasons so he knew that he gets no other chances and i honestly feel when push came to shove the OW was just not worth loosing his family for.

 

Sorry, my point is why would you continue to be with someone who would intentially string both of you along.

 

Probably similar reasons as yours.

[woinlove]

Probably similar reasons as yours.

 

How so, SB? In nopain's case, it doesn't sound like the MM has made any clear decision and he hasn't thrown his W under the bus. These two cases would be more similar if beyondsad's H had not changed, had openly continued the A, and beyondsad accepted that and stayed married to him knowing he continued to have an OW.

 

I'm sorry nopain that you didn't get the decisiveness from MM that you wanted. Seems to me that you have two options if you don't want to continue the A indefinitely. You can either decide to move on and stop focussing on MM and his marriage or you can give his W whatever concrete evidence you have of the length and depth of your A and then wait and see how that settles out. While I advocate honesty and openness - yes, it will hurt his W but she will have the truth and can then decide what she wants - you will likely get to a better place sooner if you choose to end all involvement with MM, his W and his M. Or you can combine these by giving his W the truth, but resolving to move on in any case, independent of whether MM stays or leaves or whether his W kicks him out or not.

[Summer Breeze]

How so, SB? In nopain's case, it doesn't sound like the MM has made any clear decision and he hasn't thrown his W under the bus. These two cases would be more similar if beyondsad's H had not changed, had openly continued the A, and beyondsad accepted that and stayed married to him knowing he continued to have an OW.

 

I'm sorry nopain that you didn't get the decisiveness from MM that you wanted. Seems to me that you have two options if you don't want to continue the A indefinitely. You can either decide to move on and stop focussing on MM and his marriage or you can give his W whatever concrete evidence you have of the length and depth of your A and then wait and see how that settles out. While I advocate honesty and openness - yes, it will hurt his W but she will have the truth and can then decide what she wants - you will likely get to a better place sooner if you choose to end all involvement with MM, his W and his M. Or you can combine these by giving his W the truth, but resolving to move on in any case, independent of whether MM stays or leaves or whether his W kicks him out or not.

 

Her H had an A. That's the epitome of stringing someone along as far as I'm concerned. My xH cheated on me and my trip under the bus during his A was more painful and destructive than her turn under the bus.

[reboot]

What I need is to know what BS is thinking, what will happen,

 

Impossible for us to predict since we have no idea what he's told her nor how much she believes of what he's told her. What he CLAIMS to have told her may or may not be the truth, after all, we already know he's a liar, and we've not been a fly on their kitchen wall.

[stillafool]

It just amazes me how these MM lie like a rug. The wife believes him and that's that. I really feel sorry for her. But, what are you going to do now? Why is he delaying telling her. He is a real scumbag.

[In Like Flynn]

"It just amazes me how these MM lie like a rug. The wife believes him and that's that. "

 

Add the OW also believes the version where he is done with his marriage ETC!!

 

NOPAIN.....Is this really the type of man you think is capable of cheating on his wife....divorcing her and marrying you and have that future marriage to you last 30-40 years??? Really???

 

Run Away and find yourself and good man not this loser!!!

 

Don't think your relationship with the OM is different/special etc...it really isn't.

[NoIDidn't]

Her H had an A. That's the epitome of stringing someone along as far as I'm concerned. My xH cheated on me and my trip under the bus during his A was more painful and destructive than her turn under the bus.

 

Not really the same thing though.

 

This MM has taken the time to tell nopain that he told his W that he loves her and that he isn't leaving, not to mention the denial of even having an affair.

 

This W won't know his A has thrown their marriage under the bus until she gets the truth from him, or starts to believe the letter.

 

Maybe the "letter" should have included a phone number so the W could call?

[Summer Breeze]

Not really the same thing though.

 

This MM has taken the time to tell nopain that he told his W that he loves her and that he isn't leaving, not to mention the denial of even having an affair.

 

This W won't know his A has thrown their marriage under the bus until she gets the truth from him, or starts to believe the letter.

 

Maybe the "letter" should have included a phone number so the W could call?

 

My comments weren't made to the OP but to someone who had received a letter, found out about the A, reconciled, noted the OW was thrown under the bus and then wondered how the OW could still want him after being thrown under the bus. That's what my comments were in regard to.

[nopainlike it]

''What I need is to know what BS is thinking, what will happen,

what I should do apart from walk away (I know that). I think this is all going to go very

much further and that the next week is going to be tough as she unravels the truth and puts the pieces together

I told him that he should admit it, if he has any chance with her.''

 

 

This was my question for those who did not read the original post: What I need to know is what you would do as a BS, how did you feel. I don't want advise on what to do please read. I don't want people to question whether he is lying, (that could go on forever). He has not lied about this I am sure of it. I do know him and strangely enough I can tell if he is lying and so can his wife. So basically SHE KNOWS, HE IS STILL LYING and that is how they can continue?????

 

I have told him to come clean if he expects to work on his marriage and I will even talk to her with him if he wants. Tell her it is over, but he does not want that. He wants to just lie to her knowing that she knows he is lying. How can that work? And for those that think he is just using me, we are still seeing each other but NOT having sex. This is a very painful situation, please try and understand that what i did was not just for my sake it was for all of us. I have read a lot of these sites just to get some understanding of what is best for all parties involved, but i need clarity as i am not thinking straight. Help me help everyone please. Too late to talk about why we got here in the first place.

[nyrias2]

''What I need is to know what BS is thinking, what will happen,

what I should do apart from walk away (I know that). I think this is all going to go very

much further and that the next week is going to be tough as she unravels the truth and puts the pieces together

I told him that he should admit it, if he has any chance with her.''

 

 

This was my question for those who did not read the original post: What I need to know is what you would do as a BS, how did you feel. I don't want advise on what to do please read. I don't want people to question whether he is lying, (that could go on forever). He has not lied about this I am sure of it. I do know him and strangely enough I can tell if he is lying and so can his wife. So basically SHE KNOWS, HE IS STILL LYING and that is how they can continue?????

 

I have told him to come clean if he expects to work on his marriage and I will even talk to her with him if he wants. Tell her it is over, but he does not want that. He wants to just lie to her knowing that she knows he is lying. How can that work? And for those that think he is just using me, we are still seeing each other but NOT having sex. This is a very painful situation, please try and understand that what i did was not just for my sake it was for all of us. I have read a lot of these sites just to get some understanding of what is best for all parties involved, but i need clarity as i am not thinking straight. Help me help everyone please. Too late to talk about why we got here in the first place.

 

Sticking to your question .. it is quite hard to predict what his wife will do. It depends on the specifics of the lies, and what she can confirm. It seems like she may not want to face the truth and so she is still buying what he is saying.

 

I suppose if you really want her to have this sink in, you need to provide more evidence (like sending a pic of you & him if you have it).

 

And when that happens, all bets are off what she will do.

[woinlove]

My comments weren't made to the OP but to someone who had received a letter, found out about the A, reconciled, noted the OW was thrown under the bus and then wondered how the OW could still want him after being thrown under the bus. That's what my comments were in regard to.

 

But that person said her H stopped the A and recommitted to the M, which ultimately lead to him doing the work required to change. In other words, he immediately made a choice when the W found out. Throwing the OW under the bus is the opposite of choosing and committing to the OW. So I still don't understand your analogy.

 

Actually, I do think it can take time to stop loving someone one, no matter which part of the triangle one is in. Perhaps that is all you meant, but the specific point you were referring to (this person's story and her wondering about the OP) seem to be very different situations even though both felt or are feeling pain.

[nopainlike it]

But that person said her H stopped the A and recommitted to the M, which ultimately lead to him doing the work required to change. In other words, he immediately made a choice when the W found out. Throwing the OW under the bus is the opposite of choosing and committing to the OW. So I still don't understand your analogy.

 

Actually, I do think it can take time to stop loving someone one, no matter which part of the triangle one is in. Perhaps that is all you meant, but the specific point you were referring to (this person's story and her wondering about the OP) seem to be very different situations even though both felt or are feeling pain.

 

With all respect, you have no idea what you are talking about This only happened at the weekend, keep up!!! or go away

[Summer Breeze]

But that person said her H stopped the A and recommitted to the M, which ultimately lead to him doing the work required to change. In other words, he immediately made a choice when the W found out. Throwing the OW under the bus is the opposite of choosing and committing to the OW. So I still don't understand your analogy.

 

Actually, I do think it can take time to stop loving someone one, no matter which part of the triangle one is in. Perhaps that is all you meant, but the specific point you were referring to (this person's story and her wondering about the OP) seem to be very different situations even though both felt or are feeling pain.

 

There is no analogy. There is reality. As a W I was placed firmly under the bus from the start of the A. He didn't make an immediate choice to throw me there but every moment of it he had me firmly there. Because he immediately got scared and threw his OW under the bus wasn't making a choice, it was protecting himself.

 

My point in the original comment was that I don't think a BS can wonder why an OW will pine after someone who can treat them that poorly, or an OW can wonder why a BS can take someone back who treated them that poorly. Both love someone and are hoping.

 

Having been both I can attest that I felt much more poorly treated as a BS than as an OW.

[nopainlike it]

There is no analogy. There is reality. As a W I was placed firmly under the bus from the start of the A. He didn't make an immediate choice to throw me there but every moment of it he had me firmly there. Because he immediately got scared and threw his OW under the bus wasn't making a choice, it was protecting himself.

 

My point in the original comment was that I don't think a BS can wonder why an OW will pine after someone who can treat them that poorly, or an OW can wonder why a BS can take someone back who treated them that poorly. Both love someone and are hoping.

 

Having been both I can attest that I felt much more poorly treated as a BS than as an OW.

Thank you SB, you are obviously someone with knowledge and experience. We are both BS and OW in horrible situations, okay one can argue that I put myself there, but I could state a cliche that I never thought blah blah.....

 

 

The point being, you are completely correct, is that my MM has had a knee jerk reaction to the question, deny and deny is all that they will do. I did it!!! even though I did not love my H. I did eventually tell him the truth as I could not live separate lives like that.

 

So she does not, I can guarantee that and she did get the I love you, but aren't all these possible (**** I don't know wtf else to do right now).

 

He also knows that she knows he is lying. So just believe the bits she wants to believe???? And the I love you bit is not a lie???

 

I will not send her a photo as that is cruel as someone suggested.!!! How mean would that be.

 

No if she wants proof she can find it easily, but believe me she does not need it or want it.

 

So they can continue like that, living like brother and sister until someone takes their head out of their arse.

 

Me, I am not hanging around for cowards believe me.

 

I want to tell her the truth if she asks me, but would that be too cruel.

 

She does not want to know after all.

 

In the meantime we all live in this perpetual state of misery and acceptance that maybe nothing has changed or is likely to for the near future???

Edited September 27, 2011 by nopainlike it

[nopainlike it]

With all respect, you have no idea what you are talking about This only happened at the weekend, keep up!!! or go away

 

Oh I realise you are not talking about me at all but someone else!!!

[seren]

Nopain, it isn't so much what you should do, this is their marriage and it is for he and she to discuss with each other what they want to do next. I really do not think you and he sitting down with the BS would be at all helpful, as you have asked BS what they think should happen, I can tell you this, had my husband and the OW even thought, for one nano second that a sit down conversation could take place about mine and his marriage I would have suggested they had their heads read.

 

No one has any idea about what is going on in their house other than they themselves. I find his telling his wife that he loves her, isn't leaving and that there is nothing going on incredibly cowardly and also either very unfeeling and cruel or someone trying to save his marriage. You may not want to hear that, but on reading your post, that was my very first thought. I also thought that for her to believe that, he must be doing some reassuring actions too.

 

BS are told many times that the relationship between the AP is nothing to do with the BS, well the same applies here, the marriage, the relationship between them has nothing at all to do with you, I appreciate that you want your and the MM relationship to move forward, but I would leave them to it, their marriage, their life, their solution. If the MM were asking what to do, I would tell him to grow some, stop gaslighting, stop telling his wife he loves her, isn't leaving or stringing you along. I so, so hate the dammed lies they tell to either BS or OW/OM, in this instance, I think he needs to be honest and stop with the saying one thing and meaning another, to both of you for he is not being truthful to at least one of you.

[nopainlike it]

Thanks for your honesty, you are right I will not go meet her. I just thought if anyone has doubts they need ultimate proof. I guess she may want to kill me. I think that is what I was wanting to know.

 

He is lying to her though and she knows it. So what foundation for a marriage is that? How can they continue like that? It has to come out once and for all and I have told him to tell her that it is over if he wants but he does not.

 

I have seen him every day for the last two weeks and I think, hope, that he is realising that he either tells the truth or stops seeing me altogether.

 

I was hoping that if he wanted to work on his marriage he would have done that.

 

And Frozen of course it is relevant to my life, I want to be able to walk around the town!!

 

It is strange that instead of concentrating on the marriage, they seem both to be concentrating on who sent the bloody letter!!! How weird.

[jnj express]

Hey No Pain---get a hold of the movie BACK STREET, and watch it

[nopainlike it]

Can't you just fill me in......

[xxoo]

It is strange that instead of concentrating on the marriage, they seem both to be concentrating on who sent the bloody letter!!! How weird.

 

He is spinning attention away from him, and his actions.

 

He is doing the same with you. Spinning attention away from his actions--or inaction, in this case.

 

So, instead of concentrating on the unsatisfying state of your relationship, you are concentrating on her and them.

 

Who knows or cares why they both want to stay married so badly that they will live in denial? They do. And he would like to have his marriage AND you, if you'll choose to have him on those terms.

 

If his wife knows that he is lying (she may not, actually), then she is essentially saying, "I want to be here enough to stay under these terms for now." You told....he denied (chose to stay married)....she believed (chose to stay married).....and now it is up to you to make a choice.

[stillafool]

=nopainlike it;3649780]

He is lying to her though and she knows it. So what foundation for a marriage is that? [/OUOTE]

It isn't a foundation for a marriage anymore than it is a foundation for a relationship to date a married man. Like you or more than you she is in love with him.

 

How can they continue like that?

 

Because he is telling her he loves her, doesn't want to lose his marriage and she is the one he wants. She is the one married to him, took vows for better or worse, and feels she owes it to her marriage to work it out.

She is probably asking herself how you can continue to see a married man who won't leave his wife. Who knows?

 

I have seen him every day for the last two weeks and I think, hope, that he is realising that he either tells the truth or stops seeing me altogether.

 

Have you told him that if he doesn't tell the truth you will stop seeing him altogether?

 

 

I was hoping that if he wanted to work on his marriage he would have done that.

 

Trust me, he is working on his marriage and seeing you also. He's a multi tasker.

 

It is strange that instead of concentrating on the marriage, they seem both to be concentrating on who sent the bloody letter!!! How weird.

 

I would want to know who sent the letter as well. Anyone would. If I were you I would just focus on your relationship with MM and not concentrate on what is going on in THEIR marriage.

[PhoenixRise]

It is early days yet and no one (not even the WH) really knows what the BW will do or what she is thinking.

 

She is probably in shock and is trying to get her life back to normal right now. She probably doesn't believe him but since an anonymous letter is such a cowardly, stalkerish thing...she might not be inclined to give it full credibility.

 

But if you two are still in contact she WILL find that out. Even if she doesn't act now she IS watching and paying attention.

 

What she will do when she does find out about your contact depends on what kind of woman she is and how angry she is. Maybe she will expose the affair to everybody she knows and to everybody you know. I exposed my H and his AP. Maybe she will kick him out and he will run into your waiting arms. Maybe she will kick him out and he will beg to come home, Maybe she won't kick him out at all.

 

Notice that everything that happens depends on what she will do because this WH has demonstrated that he is not going to actively chose to leave the marriage nor is he going to actively chose to leave the affair to recommit to the marriage. What he IS choosing is to keep his wife in the dark as much as possible so that he can continue to have you both.

 

Whatever judgement you might be making about this wife's willingness to know the truth, or about the state of their marriage or about the relative strength or weakness of their relationship really don't matter. Right now her actions and his lack of actions are controlling your life. How can you go on like that?