lk887 Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 This is my first time posting here, so excuse me if I get a little long-winded. The story of my girlfriend an I is a strange and unique one. It started last June when we first met at work and were just going to hook up. After hanging out with her 1 or 2 times, I brought up the subject of dating... she was reluctant at first but thought I was interesting and very cool. She was also insanely attracted to me physically. It went well for about 4 months, until she started acting a little strange. I eventually go an answer out of her, one I did not like one bit: her ex was back in the picture and she was very torn on what to do... to clarify, she was not cheating, just very confused. She originally broke up with him after 4 years of dating, about 8 years of knowing him, and 1.5 years of living together because he was cold and never showed any emotion toward her. He also occasionally got angry with her for no reason and was just plain uninteresting to her. I basically had everything she wanted from him except for one thing: a high paying job and a place (I'm 24 and still live with my parents, she's 26 and still lives with hers as well). After about a week of confusion, she decided he was not the one she wanted and made up her mind. We ended up going on vacation to the caribbean a month later (we work in travel). After we got back, she started acting weird again and this time broke it off more abruptly, hardly speaking to me and acting like she didn't care anymore (the first time she was still showing lots of affection for me, but was still confused). About 2 weeks later this time, she admitted she was having 2nd thoughts about her ex again. I told her to make up her mind, and she admitted that she thought we traveled together so well and got along so great that I really could be the one she could spend her life with, and it scared her. She started seeing a psychologist and promised she was done with her ex for good. 6 months, many good times, and promises of moving in together later, we went on vacation again (this job has some great perks). After coming back, what do you know? She's acting weird AGAIN. She had been having 2nd thoughts about our relationship (the ex is truly out of the picture at this point), stating that she's not materialistic but I just don't offer financial security or maturity needed to have a fulfilling relationship. Her therapist said if she's not happy with me to break it off and they could then focus more on her other problems (she has a good amount of daddy issues as well as other problems). We broke up AGAIN, and just a day later she was texting me. She admitted she still hadn't changed her mind about our breakup but missed me a lot. She went on a small vacation to visit her friend in Boston, and while there, decided she really did want me again. We lasted only about 2 months this time when she said she wasn't happy with our relationship again. We were broken up almost a month this time. We hung out once or twice, and she seemed ok with being parted. She ended up visiting her sister out west, who convinced her she was making a mistake yet again. Her therapist told her to stop thinking logically about us so much and to just let it happen if she really does love me. So, we got back together again. Fast forward to about a week ago, when she was acting weird again. By this point, it was wearing me pretty thin, so I confronted her about it on the phone which made her defensive and cold. This set me off, so I started yelling at her about how she makes me so paranoid sometimes, that I wish she would just tell me when she has a problem with me, and that sometimes I feel like this won't stop happening unless I make it stop (which is true). She didn't argue back much, but when we ended up getting together later that day where she acted cold and said that I was right about everything and that we should just be done. The last week at work has been pretty bad. We don't work near each other, but we were doing a special project together for a few days. She acted normal like nothing was going on and that we were just mere coworkers. I confronted her and said it's borderline offensive that she's showing no emotion over this. She said she is affected by it (that she was crying about it the night before), but it's the right thing to do because it will keep happening. We haven't spoken now in a few days. Here's the thing that makes this pretty unique: She's used to having a man around that's more mature (she never dated someone younger than her, although I would not say I'm immature) and more financially secure. She also said she has never been more comfortable around someone before than with me, never had more fun with anyone, and I'm some of absolute best sex she's ever had with anyone. The fact that she's so comfortable with me also resulted in that she is able to orgasm during sex very consistently which was mind-blowing to her at first... it was like that could never happen with anyone. She was also, up to this point, somewhat of a feminist because men were mostly pigs to her. I am one exception in her eyes, and she's never loved anyone quite like she loves me. Whenever we talk about her gripes with me, it's always that I'm just not quite mature enough, financially secure, and that I'm just a tad too nice. It's hard for her to tell me these things though, since they seem insignificant compared to the reasons why she does love me. In my eyes, loving someone, being comfortable with someone, and being best friends is enough to constitute a happy relationship unless there is some other horrible factor involved, like that we live halfway across the world (which is not the case). I know she's going to turn around again even though she said she wouldn't... I just wish there was a way to show her that I'm the one she wants to be with. She DOES realize it, but then is only happy for so long. I don't want to let go because I know she still loves me. I just don't know what to do. I suggested counseling but she won't want to do that. Basically what I want to know is: since there is no outside factor that should limit our relationship... should it be enough that we love each other greatly, have a wonderful time together, are comfortable together, and have great sex? It's not like I'm a deadbeat and will never have any money or move out, I do have a degree but times are hard and I'm holding onto the job I have... and she knows this. I just don't know why those feelings are overriding her love for me.
EgoJoe Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 How long were she and the Ex broken up and out of contact before you two started dating?
flitzanu Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 Here's the thing that makes this pretty unique: no it isn't.
Author lk887 Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 How long were she and the Ex broken up and out of contact before you two started dating? About 6 months. Anyone have any other input? Is this really not that unique? Breaking up 4 or 5+ times is really that common? If I want to be honest with myself, I'm waiting for her to wise up and realize I'm what she wants. Which she has done... but I want it to be permanent and not break up again unless one of us stops loving the other. I still haven't spoken to her much in the last few days though, and she's giving me the cold shoulder like she wants nothing to do with me. Knowing her though, she could be thinking anything.
monkeyshaman Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 If she has issues that needs a psych, like trust, abandonment or other father issues then she will have to have a good grasp on them before anything. I am sorry that you are going through this but as my friend says "love always uplifts and supports it never controls or demands". Meaning you may have to support her by letter her deal with those issues on her own and not be in a relationship. If she is open to going to something together that might also work but it does not mean that it will not continue to happen to you. I know what its like to be with a woman who has deep seeded issues from childhood and while they can be managed they might not ever go away. If you begin to work together with her then maybe an understanding of what she deals with will help you to offer her the kind of support to ease her fears. Don't let yourself get caught up in fear and act out of desperation. Being that you witnessed it many times then you could possibly say a few things when u notice the pattern happening to assure her that you have no desire to leave/hurt/abandon/abuse or whatever. Simply say darling I see that you are suffering and I would like to help ease some of that. And if she says nothings wrong (but you know something is) say darling I am here with you and I am so happy that you are here with me. Maybe that will just be enough to open the door to some growth. Its a tough situation but sometimes people need us in a way that we don't necessarily want. Best wishes.
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