deadair Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 my wife and i have been together for 15 years and married for 10. she has in that time had at least three affairs (that i know of) - the latest being last year. i keep trying to work through these things for the sake of our kids and so accept her excuses and try to move on. recently though i've been feeling continually unhappy and unable to shift all the baggage of the past from my head. anyway i found out last week that my wife has been meeting some other guy for lunches etc. and when i confronted her she lied about it at first - then she said that there's nothing going on. i feel lost - i am a very forgiving person but i am sensing myself now that enough is enough (i could literally write 4 or 5 pages of stuff about some of the stuff thats happened in our relationship - maybe i will someday as it may help me to get it all out of my head)! anyway; we had another massive row last night because she found my diary and read it - my diary contained some entries about her and how i was feeling hurt, frustrated and unhappy - i feel cr@p now because reading it hurt her; but at the same time she shouldn't have read it, particularly as i have been 100% faithful to her. what do you reckon?
Buttercup84 Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 I know it's harder when you have children , but children sense more than we know . You are human and need to think of yourself too . Don't waste your life on someone like her . how could she do that , even though she knows you are in so much pain ? It's disgusting . I would show her that you do not want to be a door mat anymore . Your kids will still have parents , you don't wavy them to see their dad so unhappy .
TheDovic Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 First of all it's nice to see a fellow Irishman on the site. Secondly I'm sorry it's under such sad circumstances. Personally I think you will be miserable for the rest of your life if you stay with this person. How many of us grow up and dream of having a life with someone this selfish and cruel? NONE of us... we all dream of meeting the person of our dreams who makes us feel special and takes away (even for a few moments each day) the monotony and hardship of such a cruel world. You deserve better than this. Remember we've only one shot at this life so make it the best it can be before it's too late. Don't be on your deathbed in years to come regretting not playing the hand you were dealt to the best of your ability! With regard to keeping the marriage together for the sake of your family, well done for being a man. In saying that, I'm a social worker and know from research that kids are often happier (not every time, but more often than not) and have a better chance of success in the future (i.e. less likely to have emotional problems, do better in school, employment and relationships) if their parents are seperated as opposed to parents who live together and there's an obvious tension in the house. Remember kids are intuitive and no matter how much you and your wife try to cover this up they will often know something is wrong. I personally would leave, but I know it's not that easy. But remember, you're kids will be fine as long as you are consistently in their lives, and although you will hurt at first, I think this is better than a lifetime of hurt with someone who treats you (and has consistently treated you) like crap.
smudge21 Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 (edited) Sounds like she's trying to offload some of her own guilt onto you. Like when you argue with someone who knows they are wrong, but instead of taking it, they turn it around. Never nice when that happens. Was there ever any cheating prior to marriage or even before you knew her, something she may have told you or you knew about? The reason I ask is my take on serial cheaters is they often do it because they feel they can - someone has simply told them it's wrong. Clearly you've been able to forgive her and take her back after the three affairs you know about, so I do worry if that is like saying it's okay - obviously not directly, but more sub-conciously, if you get me. I don't think you should be worried about her feelings right now after seeing your diary, she should be concerned about yours, but my take on how she acted (being hurt rather than showing concern that you're hurt) is worrying. I do reckon you need to talk to her and let her know how you truly feel if you do want this to work. If I can be frank and honest with you though, I do worry that it may be too late to really lay down the law to her, so to speak. It seems she may have lost respect for you (as is often the case) and no amount of talking will solve this, only seeing an expert will help you both now. Having children together can be such a strong reason for a couple to stay together, even when the love and respect has gone. But if both parties aren't pulling the same direction then in reality it really is only because of the children that they are together. It's a situation I wouldn't wish upon anyone and I hope you can get it resolved. Edited September 26, 2011 by smudge21
Mack05 Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 First of all it's nice to see a fellow Irishman on the site. Secondly I'm sorry it's under such sad circumstances. Personally I think you will be miserable for the rest of your life if you stay with this person. How many of us grow up and dream of having a life with someone this selfish and cruel? NONE of us... we all dream of meeting the person of our dreams who makes us feel special and takes away (even for a few moments each day) the monotony and hardship of such a cruel world. You deserve better than this. Remember we've only one shot at this life so make it the best it can be before it's too late. Don't be on your deathbed in years to come regretting not playing the hand you were dealt to the best of your ability! With regard to keeping the marriage together for the sake of your family, well done for being a man. In saying that, I'm a social worker and know from research that kids are often happier (not every time, but more often than not) and have a better chance of success in the future (i.e. less likely to have emotional problems, do better in school, employment and relationships) if their parents are seperated as opposed to parents who live together and there's an obvious tension in the house. Remember kids are intuitive and no matter how much you and your wife try to cover this up they will often know something is wrong. I personally would leave, but I know it's not that easy. But remember, you're kids will be fine as long as you are consistently in their lives, and although you will hurt at first, I think this is better than a lifetime of hurt with someone who treats you (and has consistently treated you) like crap. Dovic haha, I am Irish too!!! Dude we need to meet for a beer...I agree with everything my learned friend said above
TheDovic Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 Dovic haha, I am Irish too!!! Dude we need to meet for a beer...I agree with everything my learned friend said above Ha Small world dude!!! I'd be game for that buddy
ChelleBelle Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 Hi, I was married for 13 years, with my x husband for 16 years. He cheated on me. I thought that it was just the one affair but in reality there was several women. I left him and took our 4 yr old son with me and although it has been a very painful road and at times were incredibly hard, it was the right decision. I don't regret leaving him. I still keep in contact with my X husband for the sack of my son. In a nutshell, people that cheat on you probably will, and do, cheat again. He didn't deserve my love and I am happy to say I have found love again and I am alot happier now. I have moved on and he hasn't. I left with nothing and now have a lovely home for my son and I, two dogs a gorgeous cat, started my own business and a boyfriend. I let my feet do the talking.
radiodarcy Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 i would walk away. i understand it is not easy with children. but speaking from my own childhood experiences and how my parents marital woes have come to affect me in adulthood i can honestly say that while they're splitting up was extremely difficult on me, once i got used to the idea i was relieved not to be in the midst of so much tension, unhappiness and fighting. the children will adjust but as Buttercup states, children sense more than we realize. so i am sure this situation is just as difficult on them as it is on you. no, your wife should not have been looking through your diary but if she is hurt by what she found there, that's her doing, isn't it? and if she isn't willing to work things out as you are then what else is there left to do?
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