sleepykitten Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 For some reason this morning really want to break nc and call him its been 20 days of nc and we split up in may. I think its because the weather is really nice this week and in the spring we said we would go to this beautiful park to see the autumn colours and this weekend would have been perfect for it. Please can someone answer and give me some encouragement. Thought it would be getting easier by now. He is with someone else and has been since 3 days after our split, hate to think of him doing that stuff with her, he's not very original so can imagine all the stuff we said we would do or did he will re hash for her. Would appriciate anything from anyone today.
smudge21 Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 Hang on, aren't you the person who got dressed up and hit the rum in the city not so long ago? Obviously you've not had such an exciting weekend and probably spent a fair bit of time thinking about the ex instead. That will always make you feel love sick (like home sick, but it's our loves we want back). It's only been 20 days so don't go expecting miracles here. Healing takes time and we all feel like breaking NC every now and then, some of us do. Often only by breaking NC do we realise how important it is to stick to it. We end up just getting more hurt which in turn makes us stick to it even stronger. Learn from others, myself included, that nothing you get from making contact with him will make you feel any better. Sure you may get that little bit of a heart flutter when his name appears on your phone but it will be short lived and from every high, there has to be a low. Clearly you need to plan something in your life right now - something fun and exciting so you're distracted. It's always the quiet times when we start to think about the ex and it's always in a good way too. I too am tempted to make contact with mine as she has many problems that I feel I could help with, but by doing so it means I open that can of worms and end up hurting myself. So how about if you stay NC, I will too.
Author sleepykitten Posted September 26, 2011 Author Posted September 26, 2011 Hi Smudge! Yep that was me, out for cocktails last week. This weekend not so busy youre right, I think its because i know this weekends going to be beautiful weather wise and i want to go and see the autumn colours in a big park somewhere (but dont have a car!), and it triggered something off in me as last time i went there was with him! What you doing this saturday lol! thanks for replying, means so much it really helps, Stay nc, youre right it will open up a massive can of worms, i will too, thanks for the encouragement i really needed it today.
smudge21 Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 Doing things that we used to do with our exs is only bound to cause memories and eventually heartache. Try to do something different with this indian summer we're supposed to have - have you tried bungee jumping or tandem sky diving, or rolling down a hill in a giant inflatable ball? See three other options there straight away. I try to keep busy at weekends, even if it's just seeing a film or something (prefer a night out obviously, but they can get expensive). When alone and it's quiet that's when the memories come back and I start pondering the past, thinking about the good times and picturing how things would be different if I'd said this or done that. Nightmare! Stay focused and don't make my mistakes - and that includes stalking Facebook or any other internet based activity. Everytime you get tempted just remember that you will feel worse if you do. Failing that, pour another cocktail and after a few you won't be able to type Facebook anyway...
Mack05 Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 Hang in there Kitten. Some days NC is excruciating. I think tearing your arm off seems more fun. These are the toughest days, but also turn out to be the best days in your recovery. By not breaking NC you are showing enormous inner strength. You will look back on today in a few months time as a milestone in your recovery. Hang in there Kitten
TheDovic Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 Hey Sleepykitten, I think you posted on my thread the other day when I was going through something similar. I was a mess and really wanted to text but people told me to hold on because the intense feeling would pass... and guess what? It did! Everytime this happens now I'm going to write down my feelings, do some exercise, anything to kill an hour, and I'll see how I feel after that. Simply coming on this site for support is probably enough too, so good for you for asking for help. We all need it at times, that's why we're here
Author sleepykitten Posted September 26, 2011 Author Posted September 26, 2011 Thanks smudge, mack and Dovic, you dont know just how much it means to me to put a shout out for help and to get your responses, i will hang in there as not only do i not want to let myself down i dont want to let you down either! These days are tough though, am trying to make plans for the weekend, most of my friends have significant others so do couply things, i just dont want to end up sitting in missing out on this gorgeous autumn and its my favourite time of year. Think youre right smudge, in that doing things i did with the ex or going to the same places will only make me feel worse. The funny thing is i love going for walks think its really good for the soul but he hated it and couldnt see the point, think last spring when i forced him to take me to the bluebell woods was the only time i got him out and here am i looking at it through rose coloured glasses of oh how lovely it would be this weekend if we were together we could go walking amongst the autumy leaves etc etc, when in fact-he sleeps till miday, and would hate to go for any kind of walk! I love this site, i think of you lot as friends and often wonder how everyone is doing, is that wierd??
TheDovic Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 I love this site, i think of you lot as friends and often wonder how everyone is doing, is that wierd?? No it's not weird at all. A lot of us on this site are forming strong bonds because we're going through such a tough time together. I love it too and really appreciate the friends I am making on it!
smudge21 Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 They'll be plenty more weekends, so don't think about it too much. I know what you mean about friends being involved. That said though, I have some that kinda' envy the single life I have currently. I guess it goes both ways in that sense. Go offer some advice to others as I find that generally helps me during these down moments.
M2155 Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 I went through these days. I'm a couple months out now and don't want to contact him anymore. Sure I'm open to being contacted because I miss the him I knew, but I have no good reason to contact him. He's with someone else so I would look really lame whatever I have to say and he'd feel like "I got my girl and my old girl pining for me." Whenever you feel like contacting him, just imagine how the conversation would really play out. You call wishing he was the same guy who felt the same way you do but he's not:(. And when you call you'll just end up more sad in the long run. Like previous poster said, it will pass. It sucks!! But it will pass. Stay strong!
Author sleepykitten Posted September 26, 2011 Author Posted September 26, 2011 Thanks M2155, youre so right i know, it will just give him a massive ego boost, and in all honesty what do i want out of it-just to staop this feeling of hurt of being replaced, but at the end of it all-it doesnt matter, even without him doing that and his lies, he still fell pretty short of being a great boyfriend, all words, no actions, great in the good times not so good in the real world when the relationship turns from that heady intoxicating high to a slow burn of mutual love, respect and friendship, when you know you can count on and rely on that other person. And boy dd I hold out for that, giving more and more opportunities and chances, i was too scared to leave really, just wanted to feel like he would fight for me and didnt want to lose me, and that he meant all the things he had said to me. The fact he didnt just triggered all my childhood abandonment issues and i fell apart. Propably the best thing that could of happened to me really as for the first time ever i have to face up to it all, feel that hollow emptyness and change it and fill it myself not expect someone else to make me feel better. NC is hard, das like today make it so apparent that i still have a long way to go, as rationally i can totally see why he is wrong for me and that i am better off without him, but theres that piece of me inside that just wants him to call and say i love you i'm so sorry please come back-this is much more to do with me though than him! Why do I "need" this so much is the question i should be asking myself I suppose.
smudge21 Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 Your head has let go but your heart still clings on. It will pass in time, but when that time is anyone's guess. We all heal differently and in different ways - nights out and cocktails do work wonders! You detail you're suffering but you also detail why you shouldn't be suffering and what was wrong with this guy. To me it sounds like you're moving forward very well actually. It usually takes us a long time to remove those rose-tinted glasses off and see our exs for what they really are. Stay strong and keep posting. Take comfort in knowing you're not alone.
Author sleepykitten Posted September 26, 2011 Author Posted September 26, 2011 Thanks Smudge, it really does help knowing i'm not alone, also reading you saying I seem to be moving forward very well, youre right in that it feels like my heart hasnt let go, i think its just craving that attachment, its a lovely feeling knowing someone loves and treasures you and when they take it all away and totally surprise you with their post break up actions and even pre break up actions its like one of those snow storm shaking glass things, all you ever thought was true is just ripped apart, and its hard to move on and trust in either myself or anyone else. I know i have co dependence issues etc and i know this is a huge reason i stuck around in this relationship for so long and why i am struggling still. If I can stay nc, i will be so proud of myself. The feeling of being lonely, and not ever finding someone else though at times can be overwhelming, i dont think i have ever cried so much. Doesnt help i hate where i live but only 21 days to go and i am moving.
smudge21 Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 Let it out Kitten, you have every right too. Just understand that no matter how low you feel, you will feel better one day. Right now though, this is how you feel and you accept that. You're going through a rough time and your reactions are perfectly normal. You're doing well despite how you feel right now.
Author sleepykitten Posted September 26, 2011 Author Posted September 26, 2011 Smudge, I really appriciate youre replies today, its nearly 9pm so almost made it through, its so much easier knowing i am not alone and theres all you guys out there rooting for me and each other, and we're all going through this together, some good days and some bad. It will pass, and serves to make me stronger in the long run. Hope you've had a good day today x
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