JenniC Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 Hi there, I'm currently going through a horrible moment of panic. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months. For the past month, things have been a little more difficult; I spoke more about this in my first thread. We spoke about things, but they kept coming back up in arguments/him making jokes about them. Needless to say, this upset and hurt me. On Friday, we ended up having a row, after which he apologised. I felt so drained that I ended up being very, very quiet (which upset him) for the rest of the night. I dragged myself out of this little bout of depression, apologised, and we made up, and had sex. The next morning, we slept together, but he was being distant and not particularly affectionate. Today, he went to band practice and then text asking for a short stroll. During said stroll he was so quiet, and blamed it on being tired and not feeling great. He didn't even hug me when we listened to music in his (I tried to snuggle him a bit, though), and tried to just kiss my cheek when he walked me home. I leaned in for a kiss, and he gave me a peck on the lips. During this night, he got a call from his band member and friend, and rejected the call (which is odd for him). Now, later this night, after thinking about it.....was he going to break up with me? Was that what the stroll was supposed to lead to, and was his friend ringing to see if he'd done it, yet? God, I sound so paranoid, but he was WEIRD, and that's very odd for him. I'm currently panicking like a maniac. I can't even text him all day, until he gets on Facebook because his phone's dead and he has no charger. I'm petrified. What do I do? Was he going to break up with me? Please, please give me some advice. Read my previous thread if you need details of our relationship. Thanks, Jenni.
Emilia Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 It's best if you try to act as normal as possible and see what he does in the next few days. Don't spook him. He might not be wanting to break up but it sounds like he is a bit pre-occupied. If he keeps being this way, ask him what's up but give it a short while
Author JenniC Posted September 26, 2011 Author Posted September 26, 2011 How exactly should I behave? If he messages me and he's cold, should I inquire as to if it's because of me, and apologise for upsetting him, somehow? I'm honestly really, really scared. I didn't expect this in the slightest, and it's worrying the life out of me. The last thing I want is to lose him; our "arguments", if you can call them that, were to try and discuss the way he was behaving, as to aid the relationship....not cause trouble.
Emilia Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 If he is cold you should ask him if he is still upset with you but you should also allow him to have enough time to process the argument. He shouldn't feel you are nagging him because everyone is allowed a little space from time to time. When I'm quiet I need space, I don't necessarily want to 'get rid' of the person. You must know what he is like usually, how long it takes him to recover from an argument. If he is still cold/uncertain, ask him if he is ok and let him talk. Maybe he doesn't know how to express what he wants to say
Professor X Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 Excuse me, I might sound harsh, but are you real? Are you really freaking out from the possibility that he MIGHT break up with you??? And what if he did? Is it the end of the world?? Life goes on you know and not everything is under your control. You need to learn to accept that in life, some things just happen and there's nothing you can do about it. You come off as extremely needy and depended on him, you need a serious reality punch to get things straight. You got 2 options here: 1. Freak out and make HIS problems YOUR problems (and not in the good sense of "let me take some weight off your shoulders - but rather, let me freak out and add more on yours"), AKA, making things worse and adding stress on him, which we all know where it will lead the situation to. 2. Be nice and understanding; Give him the time, space and support he needs. Decision is yours.
Author JenniC Posted September 26, 2011 Author Posted September 26, 2011 Emilia: Thank you for your advice. To be honest, the main reason I find this odd, is because he NEVER becomes quiet or withdrawn after an argument. It isn't his way of dealing with things (not just in relationships, but with friendships and incidents in the work place). He's a very laid back kind of person; so much so, that our issues have dragged out and regurgitated themselves, over the past few weeks. Professor X: I am not "freaking out", or trying to remain in "control"; if I was, I would have asked "How can I make him stay?!" Instead, I simply asked for advice, on whether or not my suspicions are correct. I am not dependent on him, but of course I'm worried that our relationship has hit a rough spot, and the thought of losing him is very hurtful. I care deeply about this guy; hence trying to spend so much time working through our issues in an adult manner, as opposed to flying off the handle, being manipulative, or simply walking away. This strain has been brought about by him, which is why I am so hurt by the fact that he's acting like a victim. I have done nothing but try and work things out calmly, and try to make this an equal, fair and trusting relationship. This takes extra effort when he is either sullen, nonchalant about our problems, or suddenly this new extreme. I did NOTHING to hurt him, aside from remaining a little quiet and detached for an hour or two. I even apologised and explained why I did so.
Emilia Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 Then maybe he isn't mature enough for a relationship because he doesn't know how to resolve a conflict
Author JenniC Posted September 26, 2011 Author Posted September 26, 2011 In every other aspect, I have no complaints. The things that cause conflict are SO easily sorted out. All he has to do is stop laughing about our problems/arguments 30 seconds after they're over, as it makes it "easier". Seeing your partner hurt isn't really a laughing matter.
make me believe Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 I have to agree with Professor, it really does sound like you are freaking out. I mean, you said yourself that you're panicking and described yourself as being petrified! I read your other thread and all I see are huuuuge billowing red flags. Did you two actually resolve the issues you wrote about in that thread? Has he stopped making you the butt of his jokes and disrespecting you by telling you all about who he f*cked in the past? Has the sex improved? Is he less lazy? In this thread there are also red flags. For instance, why is it not ok for you to get a little quiet/depressed when he upsets you, but it's perfectly fine for him to do it? Him acting like a victim when HE brought all of this on is a hugely manipulative tactic. He sounds really immature and to be honest, the way you were freaking out combined with the major red flags you've described make your relationship sound pretty unhealthy. Is he REALLY worth all of this??? Is he even capable of having a healthy adult relationship right now?? His actions definitely say NO.
youngskywalker Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 I'm petrified. What do I do? Was he going to break up with me? First thing first... you need to stop the arguing between you two. If that can't be stopped then the relationship is ticking down. Only a matter of time before he has enough and dumps you.
Hot Chick Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 Instead of worrying about whether he might break up with you, see it more like a time for you to be thinking if he is really making you happy and if HE is the best man for YOU and if this relationship is right for YOU. It can be very empowering to think of it this way.
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