Tayla Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 Snooping, demands , and upper hand...Really? That is the secret to repairing this? Seriously disappointed on those tactics. How about: 1: Set new boundaries 2: Accept that the person will NEVER again get that 100% trust, its gone 3: Treat one another with the "AS IF" level of Love...act as if you can love them again...then do. Didnt say you had to like them or the deed. on a side note- One can gather redeemption for a deed gone awry without demeaning them.
sadcalifornian Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 I think Andy has a very lopsided power dynamic with his wife at this point. She can threaten him with D talk, but not the other way around. This is a bad spot to be in, especially if W is suspected of A. In his case, unless he finds more condemning proof of infidelity, he will get shot down upon confrontation like a fly on a swatter. I don't think this is A by even a long shot, but it is a very disrespectful behavior texting with ex despite H's protest. She should know better. If I were him, I wouldn't reveal my snooping. Instead, just keep reminding her the healthy boundaries in M and what respectful behavior is toward each other. He can also remind her what if the roles were reversed how she would feel about it.
Author Andymk Posted September 27, 2011 Author Posted September 27, 2011 Hey all, thanks again for all the comments. And especially to those positive suggestions that there maybe other options than just running away. Her last email to him (that Im aware of) was over 2 weeks ago, so its getting abit hard to accuse her of lying and deception without further proof. And to be honest, Im not too worried by her threats of snooping. I think once I confess to knowing, that will be ultimate decision time. Either stop now and pay 100% attention to our marriage, or we are finished. Owl: I dont think I see it as losing her. It feels more like me trying to save us. But youre right about taking control. I admire your stance, clear and to point. Richard: Yeh sorry, you're right. I am desperate, to save something thats been part of my life for 10 years. If there's a tiny chance of doing that, of her realising her mistake, I will rather try, than just quit and walk away. It worked for Owl didnt it? Tayla: yes, like Owl has pointed out. Im starting to believe its about setting these boundaries, and defining what is acceptable and unacceptable in our marriage. But if we cant agree on those boundaries, then it is over. sadcalifornian: Agreed, her emails dont read like she's having an affair anymore. She only ever replies to his emails. And they're very plutonic. And he lives several hundred miles away. If he lived around the corner, it would be a different matter and I probably would have left her weeks ago. Incidentally, things arent hell at home. We're still caring and affectionate, and generally get on ok. Where I stand now? We have another MC session in a week. I need to think about whether to contront her then, with the only stale evidence I have. And take Owl's route, giving her choice between me or him. Or stay quiet for now, continue to snoop, gather more evidence. See if things get better or worse. For all I know, she couldve have already decided not to contact him anymore, hence the 2 week silence. Im just not sure whether to rush in, or step back and get abetter perspective. Maybe a period of serparation might help? She moves out for a week or two? Makes her realise she cant be without me. And if she doesnt, then I know where I stand at least.
Owl Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 Snooping, demands , and upper hand...Really? That is the secret to repairing this? Seriously disappointed on those tactics. How about: 1: Set new boundaries 2: Accept that the person will NEVER again get that 100% trust, its gone 3: Treat one another with the "AS IF" level of Love...act as if you can love them again...then do. Didnt say you had to like them or the deed. on a side note- One can gather redeemption for a deed gone awry without demeaning them. Have you recovered a marriage from infidelity?
nofool4u Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 What difference would it make if they had kids or not???? It doesn't make a difference. Kids or not, you'd be smart to leave this woman. She obviously doesn't love you. She obviously will be happy stabbing you behind your back. Kids or not, leave her bro!!!! Get yourself in order and better your life!!! Good luck. your preaching to the choir there. It doesn't make a difference. I had kids and still left. its just much easier to leave when you don't have kids.
speedster Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 As an LS'er once told me...'your wife just didn't want to be married to you anymore' That pretty much sums it up. Sometimes acceptance is the healthiest path. Its not an invasion of her privacy...it was an invasion of her secrecy.... besides these gems of truth (and they are) the lack of remorse, at least in my experience, is akin to apathy toward you. she doesn't care that it hurts you. try MC, but be prepared. No one ever made a mistake by being prepared for the worst while being hopeful for the best.
Tayla Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 Have you recovered a marriage from infidelity? Hi Owl! How about we stick on topic and dedicate our energy to the OP? Thanks!!
michelangelo Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 Hi Owl! How about we stick on topic and dedicate our energy to the OP? Thanks!! He IS on topic with experience and proof of success. What are you bringing to the party? Stay focused yourself. The difference between privacy and secrecy is not a blurring line of convenience.
silic0ntoad Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Hi Owl! How about we stick on topic and dedicate our energy to the OP? Thanks!! Stop being ridiculous. You thrash his method which actually worked, and now you deflect? bah.
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