My wife continues to lie...

[Andymk]

Hi all,

Well this is my story in summary. Been with my wife for 10 years, *married for 7 years, no kids. We've always had a very close relationship, living in each others pockets. Adored each other.*

Over the past 12 months, we've had issues, mainly unable to conceive. And other issues which I was unaware of.

But recently she started acting very secretive. So I managed to get into her iPhone one night and my worst fears came true.

Turns out she got in touch with her ex, friendly at first. But she met up with him (without my knowledge) a few months ago when she went home for a week (her home town is far away). They met for lunch, and ended up kissing.

Since then, their emails got more and more intimate, reminiscing about their relationship 15 years ago. Discussing whether she should start another relationship with him. How she is unhappy in her marriage.

He appears to be abit of a charmer and is clearly only playing a game to get laid, nothing more.*

So I confronted her, big rows and tears. She not happy anymore, feels I've got lazy, etc.

We started to see MC to help fix things.*

But she doesn't seem remorseful about what she's done. And when the MC repeatedly ask if she still in contact with her ex, she's very vague.

Arguing last night, she says I need to forget about him and move on, stop obsessing. That she hasn't emailed him in weeks.

However, I know differently, I peeked again, and she is still emailing him occasionally (albeit friendly chat, nothing more)

 

*I dont know what to do anymore. She won't seem to shut the door with her ex, even though she knows hes a womaniser. She continues to lie about emailing him, to me and to the MC, even though she says she wants to fix our marriage.

She's already threatened to walk if I ever snoop in her phone again. So if I confess, then that'll probably be it for us.

 

Am I being a complete fool for trusting her?

Should I keep quiet and continue to spy abit longer, maybe she really does just want to be friends, he lives miles away, nothing could happen.

 

But I'm worried that a close friendship with him will easily lead to something more the next time she goes home to visit family.

 

I feel a utter whimp, I want to man up, confront her for lieing and kick her out, but I'm too scared to end my marriage. I do still love her dearly. And after all, I do believe she hasn't slept with him. But if she continues to lie now, then have we lost our marriage anyway?

 

Hope can be a cruel thing sometimes eh?!

 

Any comments gratefully appreciated.

[carhill]

Sure, she's slept (had sex) with him, presuming their prior relationship wasn't celibate. She might not be having sex with him now, but we all know how that goes. It's already an EA and PA, even if not sexual.

 

My exW divorced me for a lot less. Perhaps that's instructive. Darn it if I haven't learned a lot from women

 

She's already threatened to walk if I ever snoop in her phone again. So if I confess, then that'll probably be it for us.

TBH, I'd burn that thing in front of her and the serve her divorce papers. Give her what she wants. She's not interested in working on your M, so toss her out today.

 

Welcome to LS. My sympathies.

[Bryanp]

Let me ask you this: If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would be so accepting as you have been? Do you think your wife would be so fearful as you have been? Nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat. Her actions clearly indicate that she has lost total respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. You are letting your own fear control you and it will eventually end your marriage.

[wannabdone]

Sure, she's slept (had sex) with him, presuming their prior relationship wasn't celibate. She might not be having sex with him now, but we all know how that goes. It's already an EA and PA, even if not sexual.

 

My exW divorced me for a lot less. Perhaps that's instructive. Darn it if I haven't learned a lot from women

 

TBH, I'd burn that thing in front of her and the serve her divorce papers. Give her what she wants. She's not interested in working on your M, so toss her out today.

 

Welcome to LS. My sympathies.

 

 

I have to agree with Carhill.

 

She has backed you into a corner where you can do nothing. If you snoop through her phone again, she walks..... like you don't have anything that has broke the trust.

 

Thing is, if you felt like she wasn't lying, you probably wouldn't be. Right? You can tell when someone is being honest or not.

 

I say call her on her bluff. File. If she loves you, she will come back and beg you. If she doesn't, she will move on and you would have never worked it out anyways.

 

I am sorry for you hurt. Good luck!

[whichwayisup]

Tell her that you just don't trust her anymore and she's not doing enough to make you feel secure and the fact she isn't showing remorse, let alone owning her choice in cheating on you. Until SHE actually suffers consquences, nothing will change.

 

Be honest, show her your emotions while you talk to her, but shield your heart at the same time. She needs to 'see' and 'understand' the pain she's caused you. That trust and faith you once had in her is gone.

[Steen719]

Danger...Danger...Danger

 

You need to find out what is going on. This is NOT appropriate and it is damaging. H started up with old gf on facebook....they also talked about their mutual attraction years ago and talked about whether to betray their spouses. Did they do anything? I don't know. The EA they had was enough. (I do want to say here that there were other issues which you can read here if you want) http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t299182/

 

They are still talking!!! I found out in May...subsequently found out that it was as early as March and since he told me this, it was probably January. H says they are still friends..I read, I see they still "admire" each other. Makes me want to puke! He says he is sorry, but says what is an "emotional affair"? Does not sound real.

 

Your wife's lack of remorse, the fact that she is still in contact with him and tells you that she is not, the fact that she has blamed you for her betrayal, the fact that she wants you to forget it and move on and her ultimatum to you about not looking at her iphone are all really bad signs that she is not sincere in not following up with this man.

 

I asked H the very thing Bryanp asked you. What would he do if I had done all of these things? His answer? He would be gone!

 

Please address this now. If you wait, it is not going to be any better and you will never, ever trust her.

 

I am sorry you are in this situation. It stinks.

[Tayla]

The trust was broken by both of you. Her for attaining a more then platonic relations outside the marriage, and you for snooping. Mend it or end it, its that simple.

 

Sadly I try not to respond to most first time posters yet this advice holds true for anyone seeking a recourse on this theme.

[country_gurl]

If she's serious about your and your marriage then she has NO RIGHT to give you the ultimatum that if you continue to snoop that she'll walk. She should be understanding that she broke your trust and she now (if she's serious about saving your marriage) needs to do or allow anything you need until she has earned back your trust. Why isn't the MC explaining this to you both?

 

You have every right to snoop and do whatever it takes to ensuring she's being straight with you. She should have never put you into the position where you needed to snoop.

 

The fact that she's given you the threat/ultimatum that she has says to me that she doesn't really see what she's done as being wrong and she cannot commit to you/your marriage, to ending all contact with this guy. Can you accept that? I think you deserve a lot better.

[carhill]

As an LS'er once told me...'your wife just didn't want to be married to you anymore'

 

That pretty much sums it up. Sometimes acceptance is the healthiest path.

[Space Ritual]

Hi all,

Well this is my story in summary. Been with my wife for 10 years, *married for 7 years, no kids. We've always had a very close relationship, living in each others pockets. Adored each other.*

Over the past 12 months, we've had issues, mainly unable to conceive. And other issues which I was unaware of.

But recently she started acting very secretive. So I managed to get into her iPhone one night and my worst fears came true.

Turns out she got in touch with her ex, friendly at first. But she met up with him (without my knowledge) a few months ago when she went home for a week (her home town is far away). They met for lunch, and ended up kissing.

Since then, their emails got more and more intimate, reminiscing about their relationship 15 years ago. Discussing whether she should start another relationship with him. How she is unhappy in her marriage.

He appears to be abit of a charmer and is clearly only playing a game to get laid, nothing more.*

So I confronted her, big rows and tears. She not happy anymore, feels I've got lazy, etc.

We started to see MC to help fix things.*

But she doesn't seem remorseful about what she's done. And when the MC repeatedly ask if she still in contact with her ex, she's very vague.

Arguing last night, she says I need to forget about him and move on, stop obsessing. That she hasn't emailed him in weeks.

However, I know differently, I peeked again, and she is still emailing him occasionally (albeit friendly chat, nothing more)

 

*I dont know what to do anymore. She won't seem to shut the door with her ex, even though she knows hes a womaniser. She continues to lie about emailing him, to me and to the MC, even though she says she wants to fix our marriage.

She's already threatened to walk if I ever snoop in her phone again. So if I confess, then that'll probably be it for us.

 

Am I being a complete fool for trusting her?

Should I keep quiet and continue to spy abit longer, maybe she really does just want to be friends, he lives miles away, nothing could happen.

 

But I'm worried that a close friendship with him will easily lead to something more the next time she goes home to visit family.

 

I feel a utter whimp, I want to man up, confront her for lieing and kick her out, but I'm too scared to end my marriage. I do still love her dearly. And after all, I do believe she hasn't slept with him. But if she continues to lie now, then have we lost our marriage anyway?

 

Hope can be a cruel thing sometimes eh?!

 

Any comments gratefully appreciated.

 

 

Hate to tell you but her evasiveness even in front of the MC means she is DEEP in the fog, and unlikely to get out anytime soon. Matter of fact I'd be

 

Let me ask you a question...you say you are scared to lose your marriage...is it not already gone (as you know it). You really think you have anything to lose at this point? she is threatening to bolt...let her!

 

As long as you continue to waffle, she can have her cake and eat it too...she has you for a paycheck and Lover Boy for the fantasy that she is enamored with right now.

 

I would simply tell her she can feel free to see her loverboy, but that you will not remained married to her if she chooses that. She has to make the decision now....if you give somebody "space" or "time" you give them the luxury of not reaching a decision and putting you through needless torture.

 

CALL HER BLUFF...

CLOSE THE BAKERY...

Hell your marriage is about as bad as it can get at this point right now from the sound of your post...so what the hell have you got to lose...She needs to see some real consequences of her actions. Its up to you to pull the trigger...at the very least 180 her ass hard

[Space Ritual]

trust me...i can totally understand the urge to "snoop" ( good god but i hate that expression...sounds so childish)...but, when you think about it, what does it really accomplish? if she is still in contact with this guy when she knows you don't like it, what will "snooping" actually do? Either you trust her or you don't, and right now she isn't giving you much of a reason to trust her.

 

maybe taking a look at her actions as a whole and how respectful she is of your feelings will tell you what's going on inside her head.

 

Its not an invasion of her privacy...it was an invasion of her secrecy...if she wasn't doing anything wrong then he would not feel the need to look at her phone. and good thing he did it!.

That being said, OP, you have all the proof you need.I would get tested for STD's...and I would also NOT be surprised if she suddenly turned up pregnant. I'd lay money on it.

[Osiris1234]

She's already threatened to walk if I ever snoop in her phone again. So if I confess, then that'll probably be it for us

 

So what? Leave her ass, tell her you'll leave her for ****ing around behind your back.

 

Am I being a complete fool for trusting her?

 

Yes you are.

 

Should I keep quiet and continue to spy abit longer, maybe she really does just want to be friends, he lives miles away, nothing could happen.

 

IF she kissed him its obviously more then "friends".

 

How naive are you?

[y2k]

Hi all,

Well this is my story in summary. Been with my wife for 10 years, *married for 7 years, no kids. We've always had a very close relationship, living in each others pockets. Adored each other.*

Over the past 12 months, we've had issues, mainly unable to conceive. And other issues which I was unaware of.

But recently she started acting very secretive. So I managed to get into her iPhone one night and my worst fears came true.

Turns out she got in touch with her ex, friendly at first. But she met up with him (without my knowledge) a few months ago when she went home for a week (her home town is far away). They met for lunch, and ended up kissing.

Since then, their emails got more and more intimate, reminiscing about their relationship 15 years ago. Discussing whether she should start another relationship with him. How she is unhappy in her marriage.

 

First of all, bro, I feel bad for you. Honestly. No guy (or woman) wants to go through this. But you got to be the bigger, better man here. If she's so unhappy with her marriage, and if she basically throws you under the bus like this, then bro......you gotta dump her.

 

None of the counseling stuff is worth anything if there is cheating. She doesn't love you anymore. It happens. The best revenge is to leave and get a better life........a better fix on life....and a better wife ......or girlfriends, one night stands, etc. Get single again and ENJOY it. It will be better for you in the long run. You may run into a better woman down the road.

 

He appears to be abit of a charmer and is clearly only playing a game to get laid, nothing more.*

 

Charmers are dangerous. Women have a hard time resisting them, much less a woman who is married and no longer legitimately in love with her husband. Don't be so shocked if women leave their husbands for charmers.

 

You said it yourself. Man up. Get your money and economic situation straight. Better yourself as a man. Get a better career. Workout. Get into things. Set yourself up so that you can find a better life..........and better women. It's not worth trying to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you. A spouse that cheats no longer loves you. That's a fact.

 

I wish you a ton of luck and happiness in the future. But PLEASE don't let this woman take over you and win. Leave her and do you!!!!!

[Andymk]

Thanks everyone for your comments.

There's some things I wanted to clarify.

 

Carhill:

Im almost 100% sure she didnt sleep with him. Nothing in the emails mentioned anything other than a kiss during lunch. He was descriptive enough about that to make me think he wouldve mentioned something else.

 

Bryanp:

I have asked her a few times how she would feel if the roles were refused. She admitted she wouldnt be happy at all.

 

With regard to the emails, she's not actually emailing him daily. Its like once every 2 or 3 weeks. And since D-day, she's only ever

replied to him, and in a friendly manner, nothing suggestive or intimate.

Its definitely him doing the chasing. I think he realises she's vulnerable.

Everytime I say she's cheating on me, she disagrees adamantly, saying "Im not cheating on you. Its not like that."

 

Steen:

Yes, it is my biggest worry though, which sounds similar to yours. If she continues to "stay close friends" with him,

then the step to physical intimacy is much smaller. She insists she only went to meet him as a friend. But yet they ended up kissing.

 

I countered that with "if he was just a friend, he wouldnt have kissed you..."

 

Its not so much a lack of remorse on her part, but more a lack of willingness to offically break contact.

She insists she's too busy to talk with him, is not interested in him and doesnt have feelings for him anymore.

 

What I think, is that he was a significant person in her life 15 years ago. Broke her heart.

And when he hit on her recently, it maybe sparked an old flame inside her, old memories.

 

Space Ritual:

Yes I think she is very confused. We went through a rough part, I became lazy and unattractive in her eyes. At the same time, an old frame turned up and showed her some interest.

 

But I also know the old saying about never trusting anyone who remains in contact with their ex.

 

I realise that maybe she is abusing her position and lying to me. But maybe she just thinks her (1 every 3 weeks) email is insignificant to mention and cause a fight.

 

But this is 10 years of my life we're talking about. 10 years of very happy memories. And I dont want to just walk away and give up unless Im sure I tried every option. Is that foolish? I dont know, maybe so.

 

However, in my heart I feel this marriage is doomed from now on. I will never trust her, as long as she continues to lie. And the next time she plans to go home to visit family, its going to make me physically ill with worry.

 

I feel like I want to confront her one more time, tell her I still read her mails and know she's still lying. And maybe she should leave for a few days and stay with some friends.

I wish that this might make her realise how serious I am. However, it can and probably will go the other way, she'll be angry with me for invading her privacy again, and will gladly want to move out and give up.

 

Does this sound like Im the only one fighting for us, when it should be her doing the begging?

 

Has anyone managed to recover from infidelity?

[Steen719]

Comments are in bold.

 

 

Everytime I say she's cheating on me, she disagrees adamantly, saying "Im not cheating on you. Its not like that."

 

But of course she would say that!

 

 

She insists she's too busy to talk with him, is not interested in him and doesnt have feelings for him anymore.

 

Baloney..then why the contact?

 

What I think, is that he was a significant person in her life 15 years ago. Broke her heart.

And when he hit on her recently, it maybe sparked an old flame inside her, old memories.

 

This is the dangerous part. Unrequited love is hard to fight. Poets have been talking about it since the beginning of time.

 

 

 

I realise that maybe she is abusing her position and lying to me. But maybe she just thinks her (1 every 3 weeks) email is insignificant to mention and cause a fight.

 

Baloney...she is not "mentioning" it because she knows it's wrong. She is lying to you and you do not want to believe it.

 

 

I understand your fear, but what kind of life is it to be worried when she is not with you? It is no life, believe me....I know.

[Minnie09]

The point is not that they didn't have sex. The point is that she's betrayed you, kissed somebody else, undermined you and your M, trash talked about you and your M, craved attention from another guy, and has not shown remorse. More than that, she's still not being honest, not even in MC. They're still in touch behind your back. They'll end up in an A, because she wants to. That's what her actions tell me and should tell YOU. They just can't follow through, because they live far apart. But they do make an effort to stay in touch. That says a lot. You only see what she isn't hiding well enough, but she's been warned, and will go more underground. Don't let her threaten you with D. She has no business doing that. You're perfectly justified to snoop, if the person you're married to deceives you. She still hasn't stopped. That's more than a warning sign. She doesn't respect you. Instead of waiting quietly what she's up to next, you have to stand your ground.

[carhill]

OP, read posts from member 'Owl' for information on a successful reconciliation from a male perspective. Warning: There is a lot of reading. It took a number of years for he and his wife to successfully reconcile. The main difference was his wife's EA was with a heretofore strangers where your wife's was with an old love. A commonality was distance was involved. Good luck.

[SadDazedConfused]

If your wife wants to make your marriage work, she should have zero contact with her ex. It's that simple. Your relationship is balancing on a string, anything that pushes it out of balance should be done away with. That would include her having contact with her ex that she just admittedly kissed and emailed in secret. She should be focusing 100% on making her marriage work. If that is what she truly wants. She should be working on re-establishing trust, not continuing to make you doubt her.

 

My husband found an email that I wrote. In it, I mentioned going to see the OM. He confronted me, and I denied anything happened. He believed me. Don't believe her just because she's your wife.

[Owl]

I did indeed successfully recover my marriage after my wife's emotional affair.

 

It can be done.

 

 

With that in mind...my advice to you Andy is right along what you've already received.

 

My marriage recovered when I realized that I had to 'take the risk' of her wrath in order to fix it.

 

I too had to snoop, and push to get contact between them ended. She HATED my snooping. Told everyone I was being controlling, trying to "manage" our marriage, etc...

 

It didn't matter. I told her that she had the choice...stay, end contact, and work with me to rebuild the marriage......or divorce. Those were her options. Point blank, that simple. If she chose to stay, she committed to marriage counseling, she broke off ALL contact with OM, and I would indeed "snoop" for as long as it took for me to rebuild my trust in her. (that took nearly two years, btw). Or...she could go ahead and file for divorce, completely and totally, and forever lose me as any part of her life.

 

I would have hated it...but I would have done it, and she knew it.

 

That was what actually caused her to stop, see what she was doing, and realize what the consequences were going to be.

 

I think you need to seriously consider the same thing.

 

You're right...you're risking losing her. That doesn't mean that you're giving up on 10 years...she is.

 

It's not your choice...it's hers. You're just laying out what needs to happen, and how. If she wants to throw away the marriage over you snooping...that tells you how much she values the marriage, and a lot about her potential to remain a decent 'marriage partner'.

 

My suggestion is simple. Decide what you want. Spell out to her what you need her to do in order to meet that goal, and spell out to her the consequences of not meeting that goal. If she refuses, or doesn't cooperate...then she's told you the marriage is over, and it's time to move on.

[Gman95670]

I agree with aasdf. If this were happening to me, I would probably have her served with separation or divorce papers. She cannot be trusted and until she sees how dishonest and manipulative she is, this is no true marriage. I would not be afraid to walk away from someone who treats me like she is treating you.

[Try]

She's already threatened to walk if I ever snoop in her phone again.

Wow, you caught her cheating and she talks about walking if you "snoop" again! Typical cheater trying to turn the tables and blame you. Do not let her get away with this or you will live to regret it, but I think you know that already don't you? I think you posted here just as a reality check.

 

Tell her that she is right and that you should not have to snoop. Tell her that in light of her actions that you demand full transparency or you will walk. That means open access to her phone, email etc. You have a right to demand this in light of her recent actions. There must be consequences for her cheating, and full transparency is an appropriate one.

 

No matter what she says, if she will let you walk because she does not want to give you full transparency, then she is not remorseful and wants to continue cheating. Letting her continue with her current path will lead to the eventual end of your marriage but on her terms.

 

There is no guarantee that you will keep her if you follow this path because if she has already checked out of the marriage she will let you walk. You may not like the truth, but it is better to learn it now on your terms than later on hers. Although not a sure thing, manning up now gives you your best chance at keeping your marriage long term.

Edited September 26, 2011 by Try

[nofool4u]

Hi all,

Well this is my story in summary. Been with my wife for 10 years, *married for 7 years, no kids.

 

this is all we need to know right here.

 

get a better life by getting rid of your wife.

[Richard Friedman]

So long as there are men with no self respect, no sense of shame, there'll be women with the nerve to pull this kind of nonsense and still claim some moral high ground. The only reason you tolerate this is because you have no options and youre desperate. Unbelievable.

[y2k]

Hi all,

Well this is my story in summary. Been with my wife for 10 years, *married for 7 years, no kids.

 

this is all we need to know right here.

 

get a better life by getting rid of your wife.

 

What difference would it make if they had kids or not????

 

It doesn't make a difference. Kids or not, you'd be smart to leave this woman. She obviously doesn't love you. She obviously will be happy stabbing you behind your back.

 

Kids or not, leave her bro!!!! Get yourself in order and better your life!!!

 

Good luck.

[michelangelo]

I did indeed successfully recover my marriage after my wife's emotional affair.

 

It can be done.

 

 

With that in mind...my advice to you Andy is right along what you've already received.

 

My marriage recovered when I realized that I had to 'take the risk' of her wrath in order to fix it.

 

I too had to snoop, and push to get contact between them ended. She HATED my snooping. Told everyone I was being controlling, trying to "manage" our marriage, etc...

 

It didn't matter. I told her that she had the choice...stay, end contact, and work with me to rebuild the marriage......or divorce. Those were her options. Point blank, that simple. If she chose to stay, she committed to marriage counseling, she broke off ALL contact with OM, and I would indeed "snoop" for as long as it took for me to rebuild my trust in her. (that took nearly two years, btw). Or...she could go ahead and file for divorce, completely and totally, and forever lose me as any part of her life.

 

I would have hated it...but I would have done it, and she knew it.

 

That was what actually caused her to stop, see what she was doing, and realize what the consequences were going to be.

 

I think you need to seriously consider the same thing.

 

You're right...you're risking losing her. That doesn't mean that you're giving up on 10 years...she is.

 

It's not your choice...it's hers. You're just laying out what needs to happen, and how. If she wants to throw away the marriage over you snooping...that tells you how much she values the marriage, and a lot about her potential to remain a decent 'marriage partner'.

 

My suggestion is simple. Decide what you want. Spell out to her what you need her to do in order to meet that goal, and spell out to her the consequences of not meeting that goal. If she refuses, or doesn't cooperate...then she's told you the marriage is over, and it's time to move on.

 

You will not get better advice that this if you were to spend $30,000 and a year in marriage counseling.

 

Heed these words.