Will_miss_rk Posted September 25, 2011 Posted September 25, 2011 (edited) There seem to be plenty of BS's that regretted staying with their spouse after finding out about their spouse's affair, but I haven't heard of many that regretted leaving. Are there any BS's out there that can truly say they are worse off for leaving their WS and regret everyday that they left? Edited September 25, 2011 by Will_miss_rk
LifesontheUp Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 I didn't leave, I threw him out to go be with his OW. Nope never regretted it one little bit. For me, my marriage was done. But I want to state that divorce isn't an easy path to take either. I had my own issues to deal with. It wasn't a case of divorce and forget, we had 18yrs together which is a lot of time invested.
Minnie09 Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 No regrets as far as saving my pride is concerned. That still gives me a good feeling when I hit a rough patch every here and there. But regrets as far as my finances, being a single mum with a mediocre job and no dating life is concerned - absolutely yes. D has made my life a lot more complicated. I have bouts of insomnia, because I worry too much about money, my child, my health. I have visibly aged a lot due to the worries and lack of sleep, started smoking again, and so on..... But it'll get better. There's no way back. I have to keep fighting. Would my life be easier if I had stayed? Definitely yes. I struggle every day. My son senses the tension, but I try to make him feel comfortable and secure; he's who I'm living for. He's the one who needs a strong, confident role-model. I'm hanging in there.
Summer Breeze Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 I've got a couple of 'what ifs' but not a single regret. It wasn't easy but I never had to worry about trust once he was gone. I struggled with money and babysitters. I worked several jobs and tried my best to be strong so my child could see the inner sadness but the outer strength. No regrets at all.
Spark1111 Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 I think whether you stay or you go, you will still have to deal with the stages of grief: denial, anger, depression, bargaining, forgiveness/acceptance. If you feel you cannot ever trust the WS again and do not see character changes, leaving is easier in that it is one last thing you have to deal with. But you will still be going through those five stages, no matter what.
Author Will_miss_rk Posted September 27, 2011 Author Posted September 27, 2011 I didn't leave, I threw him out to go be with his OW. Nope never regretted it one little bit. For me, my marriage was done. But I want to state that divorce isn't an easy path to take either. I had my own issues to deal with. It wasn't a case of divorce and forget, we had 18yrs together which is a lot of time invested. How did you know your marriage was done? Did you know deep down you couldn't get passed the betrayal? I've known my spouse for 20 years and have been married for 17 years so I know what you mean when you say that there won't be any forgetting anytime soon. From my perspective, being 4 months from d-day, I see that staying is an immense struggle. It's almost like I'm living with a stranger now anyway and the past 20 years of my time with my wife are as if we have divorced, if that makes any sense. Essentially, after d-day, i think everyone divorces to a certain extent and then you start to make a new life with or without the person depending on whether you stay or not.
Author Will_miss_rk Posted September 27, 2011 Author Posted September 27, 2011 No regrets as far as saving my pride is concerned. That still gives me a good feeling when I hit a rough patch every here and there. But regrets as far as my finances, being a single mum with a mediocre job and no dating life is concerned - absolutely yes. D has made my life a lot more complicated. I have bouts of insomnia, because I worry too much about money, my child, my health. I have visibly aged a lot due to the worries and lack of sleep, started smoking again, and so on..... But it'll get better. There's no way back. I have to keep fighting. Would my life be easier if I had stayed? Definitely yes. I struggle every day. My son senses the tension, but I try to make him feel comfortable and secure; he's who I'm living for. He's the one who needs a strong, confident role-model. I'm hanging in there. The one thing that caused me the most distress about the affair was that I knew after I found out that my life would SUCK no matter if I chose to stay or go. The saddest part about it is that I wasn't even the one that caused the mess. It's like getting hit by a stray bullet. That is why I feel really bad for your situation that you describe. You are having to struggle because the selfish choices made by another human being which you had no control over. It's so cruel. There should be some sort of infidelity insurance or something for us BS's, so we can get some compensation for a mess we didn't create.
Author Will_miss_rk Posted September 27, 2011 Author Posted September 27, 2011 I've got a couple of 'what ifs' but not a single regret. What were the what ifs? It wasn't easy but I never had to worry about trust once he was gone. I struggled with money and babysitters. I worked several jobs and tried my best to be strong so my child could see the inner sadness but the outer strength. No regrets at all. The trust is huge for me too. I was so trusting before the affair but now it's like I have such little trust. It goes against my personality to be so vigilant all the time. It will probably always be with me even if I leave because the experience scarred me for trusting future partners. However, I will probably always be more weary of my current spouse than anyone in the future if I choose to leave.
Author Will_miss_rk Posted September 27, 2011 Author Posted September 27, 2011 I think whether you stay or you go, you will still have to deal with the stages of grief: denial, anger, depression, bargaining, forgiveness/acceptance. If you feel you cannot ever trust the WS again and do not see character changes, leaving is easier in that it is one last thing you have to deal with. But you will still be going through those five stages, no matter what. So true, you can't escape the process that leads to acceptance no matter which path you choose.
alwaysangry Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 The one thing that caused me the most distress about the affair was that I knew after I found out that my life would SUCK no matter if I chose to stay or go. I feel that way now. On one had your trapped if you stay because you can't get over the anger. If you go you've lost your best friend and have to start over which is not easy when you have time and true love invested with another person. It's not an easy choice to make or to live with, either side of the coin.
DepressedinDenver Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 Im in the middle of divorce and very stressed but all the stress is worth it to be away from someone who now I quite frankly hate. Not regretting this at all.
Steadfast Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 For many if us there wasn't much of a choice. Pain is pain, but there seems to be far more women staying with cheating husbands than the other way around. In my experience, when a woman is through, she's through. So, for me, it was simply dealing with the reality of what was. Sure, there is a major sense of loss (in regards to the investments of time and deep personal emotion) but it always comes back to the same thing. What choice did I have in the matter? And I ask that sincerely, because my ex never really opened up and told all of it. Maybe she thought I couldn't take it, or maybe she didn't know herself. But, needing some kind of information on which to base my decisions on, I pressed the issue and got her to admit that she simply wasn't attracted to me any longer. Her answer was followed by a question to me; 'What will I do when (not if) it returns and I begin to miss you? I'm really afraid of that. I'm afraid of not having you in my life.' I'm not kidding when I say that that kind of statement really messes with your head. When I realized all of her actions, thoughts, words and even her love was centered around her wants and needs, it became easier to leave her behind and move on. Funny, when she was cheating and I was desperately trying to 'win her back' there seemed no limits to her cruelty. Once I let her go and moved on, she became the victim. You'd think all the men and relationships she's had would satisfy her. If they do, she sure doesn't act like it. Men with cheating wives 'in love' take note. It's crap. After all this time I'm still not exactly sure what it all means, but one thing I do know; it isn't love. Regrets? Sure. But no regrets about my decisions.
StrongerThanB4 Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 No regrets leaving. I stayed and tried 2 years after d-day but couldn't do it..regardless of the remorse and change. I think I more or less prepared myself more than anything in those 2 years than anything. Malicious? Possibly...him having an affair was just as malicious. As much as he tries to get us back together, I just can't be with him anymore. I love him and wish him well...but we will never get back what we once had, and at the end of the day that was all his doing!
Author Will_miss_rk Posted October 1, 2011 Author Posted October 1, 2011 For many if us there wasn't much of a choice. Pain is pain, but there seems to be far more women staying with cheating husbands than the other way around. In my experience, when a woman is through, she's through. So, for me, it was simply dealing with the reality of what was. Sure, there is a major sense of loss (in regards to the investments of time and deep personal emotion) but it always comes back to the same thing. What choice did I have in the matter? And I ask that sincerely, because my ex never really opened up and told all of it. Maybe she thought I couldn't take it, or maybe she didn't know herself. But, needing some kind of information on which to base my decisions on, I pressed the issue and got her to admit that she simply wasn't attracted to me any longer. Her answer was followed by a question to me; 'What will I do when (not if) it returns and I begin to miss you? I'm really afraid of that. I'm afraid of not having you in my life.' I'm not kidding when I say that that kind of statement really messes with your head. When I realized all of her actions, thoughts, words and even her love was centered around her wants and needs, it became easier to leave her behind and move on. Funny, when she was cheating and I was desperately trying to 'win her back' there seemed no limits to her cruelty. Once I let her go and moved on, she became the victim. You'd think all the men and relationships she's had would satisfy her. If they do, she sure doesn't act like it. Men with cheating wives 'in love' take note. It's crap. After all this time I'm still not exactly sure what it all means, but one thing I do know; it isn't love. Regrets? Sure. But no regrets about my decisions. That was a heart wrenching story, thanks for sharing. Even though it must have hurt like a mother to hear her say those words, at least it didn't leave any doubt about leaving. I wish all the wayward spouses could get to the truth like you did, it would make all decisions that much more clear.
Author Will_miss_rk Posted October 1, 2011 Author Posted October 1, 2011 I feel that way now. On one had your trapped if you stay because you can't get over the anger. If you go you've lost your best friend and have to start over which is not easy when you have time and true love invested with another person. It's not an easy choice to make or to live with, either side of the coin. Are you leaning toward staying or going?
Author Will_miss_rk Posted October 1, 2011 Author Posted October 1, 2011 No regrets leaving. I stayed and tried 2 years after d-day but couldn't do it..regardless of the remorse and change. I think I more or less prepared myself more than anything in those 2 years than anything. Malicious? Possibly...him having an affair was just as malicious. As much as he tries to get us back together, I just can't be with him anymore. I love him and wish him well...but we will never get back what we once had, and at the end of the day that was all his doing! Did you pretty much know from d-day that it wouldn't work? I don't believe it is malicious at all, you at least gave him a couple of years to redeem himself, that is way more than a WS really deserves. It was his fault your heart wasn't fully in it.
Summer Breeze Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 What were the what ifs? The trust is huge for me too. I was so trusting before the affair but now it's like I have such little trust. It goes against my personality to be so vigilant all the time. It will probably always be with me even if I leave because the experience scarred me for trusting future partners. However, I will probably always be more weary of my current spouse than anyone in the future if I choose to leave. What if youthful pride got in the way of the M. What would it have been like had we stayed together. What if I'd had another child with him. What if I'd tried a little harder or sought different help. I think it's safe to say everyone has what ifs. None of mine have parlayed into regrets. The bolded. Exactly. I knew I couldn't trust him again no matter what he did. The trust was gone and pretending I could ever get that back would have been wasting both our time. I'm much harder to be convinced to trust but there would have been no convincing from him. We beat the life out of the M but he was the one who made the decision to pull the plug for the both of us. After that it was done.
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