arbrne_vet Posted September 25, 2011 Posted September 25, 2011 today, i finally had my ah ha moment. I'm sure i am like many others here, crying our hearts out, hurting, looking for answers, wanting desperately for someone to tell us it will work and, and that everything will be ok. We read some ingenious posts like "the grass is greener" for example. Words of wisdom and truth are given, yet for some reason, me, and i am sure many others here, think, feel, and are sure, that our relationship is different. What you are telling me cannot be true, cannot be so, because she is different, he is different. My relationship is not like those falling apart here, we were so much in love, if i could only....... You could not be further from the truth. "I" could not have been further from the truth. I read a response from Mack05. As i began to read it, it was as if someone had picked my brain, and what was said was exactly what i was thinking feeling, going through. There are reasons one can study to get a PhD in psychology. There is a reason many successful careers are made in counseling. Why? because human behavior is constant. I may even go as far to say, that even dysfunctional human behavior is constant. Pi will always be 3.1428... it will always be 22/7, it will always be the circumference of a circle, divided by the diameter of the circle, and human behavior will be human behavior. There gone. it hurts. it hurts like hell. many years ago, while serving in the military, i had to be hospitalized for surgery. a young man was brought in that had lost his arm. after a week of being in the hospital, this young man walked into my room and called out my name. we had served together a year earlier. i felt so bad because i did not to talk to him when he was brought in. i did not know who this person was that lost an arm. at the time, my wife was cheating on me, and she was leaving me. i explained this to him, and this is what he said. "i will heal, but your pain is greater than mine." i could not believe what he said. i knew in time, my heart would heal, but his arm would still be gone. So, let's face it. They are not coming back. let them go. If you must go NC, then do it. My friend lost his arm, and his arm is not coming back. no matter how much he tries, hopes, wishes for, it will never come back. They will not be back. Let them go. if they start to miss you, if they realize they made a mistake, they will go through hell to get you back. are they doing this now? So, free yourselves. suck it up. we are all going through this together. When i was in the military, going through training, in the wee hours of the morning, i would look at my friends, and realize they were going through the same thing i was, and if they were going to make it, so was i. Search for your Ah ha moment. find it, hold it, cherish it.
Unrequitedlove Posted September 25, 2011 Posted September 25, 2011 You see, lots of us are in too much emotional pain to comprehend that it's really not the end of the world when we're dumped. I do appreciate this post because I tend to favor being told the ugly truth over half-assed possibilities of what could've happened and what might. I've only had one friend tell me like it is. She said, "I work in a clinic where all I see are families of cancer patients grieving over the uncertainty of survival, and here you are crying your eyes out for someone who does not want you. Stop."
crackster Posted September 25, 2011 Posted September 25, 2011 today, i finally had my ah ha moment. I'm sure i am like many others here, crying our hearts out, hurting, looking for answers, wanting desperately for someone to tell us it will work and, and that everything will be ok. We read some ingenious posts like "the grass is greener" for example. Words of wisdom and truth are given, yet for some reason, me, and i am sure many others here, think, feel, and are sure, that our relationship is different. What you are telling me cannot be true, cannot be so, because she is different, he is different. My relationship is not like those falling apart here, we were so much in love, if i could only....... You could not be further from the truth. "I" could not have been further from the truth. I read a response from Mack05. As i began to read it, it was as if someone had picked my brain, and what was said was exactly what i was thinking feeling, going through. There are reasons one can study to get a PhD in psychology. There is a reason many successful careers are made in counseling. Why? because human behavior is constant. I may even go as far to say, that even dysfunctional human behavior is constant. Pi will always be 3.1428... it will always be 22/7, it will always be the circumference of a circle, divided by the diameter of the circle, and human behavior will be human behavior. There gone. it hurts. it hurts like hell. many years ago, while serving in the military, i had to be hospitalized for surgery. a young man was brought in that had lost his arm. after a week of being in the hospital, this young man walked into my room and called out my name. we had served together a year earlier. i felt so bad because i did not to talk to him when he was brought in. i did not know who this person was that lost an arm. at the time, my wife was cheating on me, and she was leaving me. i explained this to him, and this is what he said. "i will heal, but your pain is greater than mine." i could not believe what he said. i knew in time, my heart would heal, but his arm would still be gone. So, let's face it. They are not coming back. let them go. If you must go NC, then do it. My friend lost his arm, and his arm is not coming back. no matter how much he tries, hopes, wishes for, it will never come back. They will not be back. Let them go. if they start to miss you, if they realize they made a mistake, they will go through hell to get you back. are they doing this now? So, free yourselves. suck it up. we are all going through this together. When i was in the military, going through training, in the wee hours of the morning, i would look at my friends, and realize they were going through the same thing i was, and if they were going to make it, so was i. Search for your Ah ha moment. find it, hold it, cherish it. Thank you!
Marianis Posted September 25, 2011 Posted September 25, 2011 wow that is so true!! for me there are moments that i feel super happy.. knowing i have a whole future ahead of me.. and life is full of posibilities! .. but sometimes i also remember the life i wanted to have with my ex... and its really sad not to be able to have that with him anymore... and that maybe he will have that with someone else. anyway .. the thing is that the world is not over ... but it hurts .. and the important thing is the prosses of getting through this... learn and then whenever its right we will meet somebody that will be the one.
leoc1973 Posted September 25, 2011 Posted September 25, 2011 I went through the same thing as you vet. I know what you mean about that whole thing about my relationship is different. I even read a lot of posts on here and even though they were carbon copies of mine I still said to myself god all these people on here are so screwed up my releationship really really is different I know the way she looked at me and the love in her eyes. I mean if a girl can tell you a couple months before they break up with you (with tears of joy in her eyes) what would I ever do without you ya kinda tend to believe her. So that still wasn't my aha moment. Mine was last week when she told me she was seeing someone new that wasn't as good looking, sweet, caring, loving, thoughtful, or nurturing as me and also that he kinda annoyed her. But then she said she did not want me back and after a nice evening together she turned her head when I tried to kiss her. The thing is that this new guy is loaded and takes her to every nice place in NY. That was my aha moment. The thought that she could get on her back and make love to someone that annoyes her while she probably is still totally in love with me just cause he has money. that was it!! The funny thing is that she has an amazing job herself so its not like she needs to to survive or something. Great thread btw I would like to hear more people's aha moments even tho most of us haven't had one yet.
sleepykitten Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 When he started seeing someone 3 days after me but denied it even though i had read her fb wall! Then him telling me he was just "filling a hole" i had left and he couldnt be on his own, listening to his wishy washy generic answers and suddenly realising to myself this guy is not secure, not strong, will never fight for you, only wants the good times- when i asked him "what is it you actually want" he replied "our good times forever. My aha moment of-this guy will bail on you when the going gets tough as he did when we split up, the reason he is wishy washy and unsure of what he is done is because he is searching for something which doesnt exist honeymoon period forever with an adoring mother figure who puts up with constant let downs.
radiodarcy Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 great post! i honestly can't say i had an a-ha moment. i just realized after awhile that he was a selfish jerk and that he's never going to change
shayla Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 My aha was when I really thought hard about what our future really would have been like. He married another woman right after he dumped me. When I confronted her (before he broke up with me) she kept telling me that she knew something wasn't right and that she kept begging him to tell her the truth, which he never did. When he broke up with me via email, everything he said was a lie. That we had been together for 2 years, that we had broken up a year before and I had never let go. That I was stalking him and that I contacted her (she contacted me and was blown away from hearing the truth) and she has now become his jailer. Starting with that, she made him write that email (hence the lies in it, these are the lies he told her) then had to break all contact with me, and others that she didn't approve of. She has all his passwords and reads his FB, his email, his texts on his phone, everything, listens to his voicemails, calls him incessantly while she is at work. And I have gotten over a dozen hang up and wrong number calls, so she wonders where he is when he's gone, and has her panties in a twist wondering if he is cheating on her, the way he did on me when she got him. I would not want that life for myself. And I told her that when I confronted her. She was so desperate for a man that she jumped in bed with him less than 2 months after her husband died. He married her as a retirement plan and deep down she knows it. Thank god it wasn't me, or any of the other women he bamboozled at the same time.
Kageytn Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 I have this weird resignation about my relationship. It is hard to explain. My mind has had it's AHA moment. I know him like I know the back of my hand. He is weak, an emotional coward, manipulative and controlling. I know, even if we got married, I would be miserable and I would hate him and myself. Yet...I still haven't let go fully. I am trying. I lost one man to cancer. He gave me two gorgeous children and I adored him. I hate to lose another person I love-even though I need to lose him. Mack said I think with an addictive personality. I do. I know I can't change him. I can only change myself. I see his crap and I am gradually drawing boundaries but I still talk to him and I still see him. I haven't been able to maintain NC very long. The only good thing is I am starting to get angry. Very, very angry. I don't get this angry very often (maybe 2-3 times in my life) so I hope this is a great sign.
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