It's a wild ride.

[Diogenes]

Short story, my wife and I were married for 24 years, since spring she was becoming more withdrawn, moody etc. all signs that in retrospect are not good, signs of a possible OM or ER, but at the time you are told "it's just my hormones", I'm tired from work" etc. and you believe it .

 

My gut began to tell me something was really up when she went to visit an old girlfriend of her's from school over a weekend in July, the same girlfriend we had helped move after her split from an abusive husband ( yes he was a real piece of work). The night she came back I sat her down and asked some questions and told her what had been going through my mind all weekend.

 

I did not get angry, held my piece, offered to go to MC if she had issues she wanted to work on with me, and that there were issues I wanted to work on myself. She point blank told me she "had not been happy in a while" and that "it was a lot of little things", there was going to be no MC and she wanted out. She left two days later.

 

Since then it's been the roller coaster from hell, I looked at my life, did a complete 180 and I've been as NC as one can be when two children are in the mix (19 and 13). Contact has been terse emails about picking up the kids once a week for dinner/shopping etc.

 

I've tried to make this into a growth period for me, to ease the pain. I began cycling 10 miles a day, working out every other day, yoga, rowing etc. I've also made a point to get out to every social event I can where there are crowds of people can talk with, places like wine tastings, cafes, Art shows, fund raisers, theater etc. All of this has helped immensely and my progress back to "Me" has been documented in local newspapers of these events, Facebook, old friends, all of which has got back to my Wife apparently ;~)

 

Then yesterday I had a big breakthrough for my own mental state. I was sitting in a crowded cafe, jammed right beside some very attractive women, one of whom asked me about the Men's fashion magazine I had open on my table, I replied, " I've lost 20lbs in the last month and none of my old clothes fit, I need to update my wardrobe anyway". The other said, "How did you lose 20lbs in a month?" before I could stop myself I told them " The separation diet" .

 

I thought "well that blows that", but strangely enough they began to pile questions on me about how long it had been, asked about kids, why's and what's, then we just rattled on like old friends. The end result was they talked to me for over two hours, concluding based on their interaction with me that "You wife is a fool, any woman should be happy with half the man you appear to be", " "You won't be on the market long", "she had better smarten up if she thinks she'll do better". One actually slipped me her number and said " l know you're not ready for any relationship right now, keep my number and call me when you are, even if you just want to go out for coffee". This really made me feel somewhat vindicated, that I was still fun to be with and attractive to the opposite sex .

 

This bouyed me way up todaythinking about it, then my wife called this morning, wanting to take our son out for lunch. It was the first time she's actually said more than three words to me in three months. I was surprised that her voice did not cause me the gut wrenching agony or total sinking just seeing her drop off the kids had just last week. She sounded tired on the phone, myself, to my surprise, I was like I was back in 1986 when we first met, vibrant, my voice sounding like all was right in my world, that I my day was full of too many choices of things to do. I said I was doing fine when she asked, that my son and I had planned a number of things to do, but we could do them later if she wanted to take him for lunch, then I handed the phone off to my son.

 

I will continue this NC as much as I can, the ball is in her court. I feel I've made a breakthrough, even if I have not, this "Rebirth of Me" is for me, and as I've been told "Me" appears to be very marketable ;~)

[EgoJoe]

There you go man! You still got it! Keep your head up!

[M2155]

Nice story! A little positive attention from beautiful members of the opposite sex always do wonders in helping you imagine there are possibilities for the future.

[Diogenes]

Indeed, it's nice to be told one resembles Hugh Jackman ;~) I've been on a high all day because of it, looks like I'll have to get a regular fix to keep my mojo improving.

[betterdeal]

Hey pal, I'm impressed. You've taken advantage of the break admirably.

 

I like the way you presented the information. You clearly delineate between what's yours and what's not; what's in your mind and what's the rest of the world. I'm inspired and wish you continued success!

[Renard99]

Good work! Well done. You appear to be doing great.

 

I had a similar mental break through to yours. After months of working on me and trying to get my life back on a level playing field I suddenly thought, one random day, that "I should, and could, move on". From that point on, I definitely got more female attention, as if it wasn't just my thoughts that had changed, it was also my demeanor. I went on some dates and started seeing one girl.

 

Annoyingly, my ex came sniffing around again after this and declared it was a mistake to dump me and that she wanted back in.

 

Now, up until this point I'd genuinely been content to move, but when she spoke to me I suddenly started thinking of her again. And this is where you find me now, torn between someone who I have a long history with and claims to have worked on her 'red flags' or someone I have no history with but, so far, has no noticable red flags at all.

[Diogenes]

In the back of one's mind this is both the fondest wish and worst nightmare ;~) I realize the failure of my marriage was partly my fault, and have worked on all the issues I realized in retrospect were most likely an issue. That said, there were a lot of things that bothered me about my spouse that rubbed me the wrong way as well, but I just looked them as personality warts of not much consequence, just part of who she was, and I was willing to accept, because the positives far out weighted the negatives.

 

Now I realize that in the slim chance my wife did come back, we could not go back to the way things were. I would insist we go for counseling together first, get her issues out of the way before we proceeded further, even though my testosterone levels are now at the level of an 18 year old due to all this exercise/diet/yoga/meditation* and want me to do otherwise.

 

* I highly recommend the book "The Four Hour Body" by Timothy Ferriss.[url=http://www.fourhourbody.com/index.html][/url]

 

http://www.fourhourbody.com/

[BeenHereBefore]

And just the other day you posted in my thread about your situation being hopeless....glad you've got some positivity going on.

[Diogenes]

I still figure it is, I have to do this rebuilding for me, and me alone, If by some miracle it turns my wifes crank , so be it;~) I just needed some positive feedback to pull me out of the pits of hell this last while has been.

 

From the reaction I have been getting lately from other women it's working. I met a gorgeous woman of 36 ( too young for me, I'm in my mid 50's)who works out at my club a couple of weeks ago, we made small talk with about motorcycles ( she rides her own) . The other day I went in to work out and she made a point of waving at me and smiling from across the room, I actually turned and looked behind me to see who she was smiling and waving at ;~)

[Diogenes]

A down day today, nothing in particular has triggered it, just my gut telling me my marriage is done and to keep moving on. For the sake of the kids I'm armoring myself up for Thanksgiving and Christmas already, trying to wash that grief out before the fact. It's not so much the loss of my Wife I grieve, it's the 24 years of marriage, which is now likely being rewritten as wasted years by her.

 

So I'll drag myself off for 10 miles on the bike this AM, back to the gym this evening and coffee at the bookstore, hopefully they'll be friendly females about I can practice my charm on. If not, at least I'll be out of the house for awhile.

[M2155]

From the reaction I have been getting lately from other women it's working. I met a gorgeous woman of 36 ( too young for me, I'm in my mid 50's)

 

Maybe you would feel better if you think of it as she's almost 40 (some days I do:o)

[Diogenes]

My daughter ( she'll be 20 in March) when I told her about it and said "she'd probably kill me she so fit", my daughter said "Go for it Dad, at least you'll die with a smile on your face"

[Diogenes]

My daughter ( she'll be 20 in March) when I told her about it and said "she'd probably kill me she's so fit", my daughter said "Go for it Dad, at least you'll die with a smile on your face"

[Diogenes]

We'll it looks like I've dodged the Thanksgiving bullet, my Inlaws, who traditionally have everyone over for Thanksgiving have announced they are not doing it this year and are going away for a trip instead. It appears they don't want to have this extra stress in their lives anymore than I do.

 

The last couple of days have not been good, no matter how hard I push the workouts and get out of the house, the memories of my 24 years of marriage plays out in my head, it's hard to grasp how the person you shared so much with can now look back at you like none of it ever happened, like some stranger you pass on the sidewalk.

 

Songs haunt me everywhere and I have to wear shades to hide the suffering in my eyes, "If you could read my mind' By Gordon Lightfoot comes on the muzak at the grocery store and I have to pretend I'm examining the produce and fight back tears. When it's at its worse I go out into the woods and rage at the unjustness of it all or cry in the shower or in the garage so the kids don't hear me. Then it goes away again, the sun shines, the birds sing, my kids hug me.

 

I will get through this, but even though I know what I have to do to get through it, and doing it every damn day it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I still have to go through all of these stages, at some point I will arrive on the other side, learn from it what ever I'm supposed to. but at the moment it's like I'm trying to plug leaks in a dam and have run out of fingers.

[Diogenes]

Total weirdness today, my wife's oldest girlfriend, the only one she confided with prior to and after her leaving me, visited my Facebook page today. She commented on my "New Me" profile picture of me after three months in the gym and losing 20lbs. as "Very nice pic!!!!"

 

This the same person I helped leave a very abusive relationship about two years ago and had known almost as long as my wife, but never so much as sent me a simple " I'm sorry to hear about you & X" email after my wife left over three months ago. I don't get some people...

[EgoJoe]

She's being passive aggressive and you never know what people have in the back of their heads. Shoot there is a complete side of everybody's brain that they aren't fully aware of and even those of us who are have to wonder at our own unconscious' intentions.

[Diogenes]

Things have been better, not near as many breakdowns, I find if I keep physically active things are better. I've never been in better physical shape in my life and I'm getting "Checked Out" just about everywhere I go these days. Strangest of all I caught my wife checking me when she picked up my son the other day, she actually smiled at me for the first time since she left in July. So I'll just keep on the 180's and re-find myself and see where it takes me.