broken-and-lost Posted September 25, 2011 Posted September 25, 2011 Well it's Sunday and again i'm feeling blue about a relationship that ended a year ago, I really don't understand why i just can't let it go i've tried everything therapy working out past 6 months NC last 4 months dated girls kinda of seeing one now but i can't stop thinking of her or what i've lost. I lost a lot of myself when she gave up and left and i haven't been able to get a lot of it back. i'm just floating through life and the last year has been a blur, i always seem to want to contact her because it always seems unresolved and unfinished, she refused to say she didn't love me anymore which makes it harder to let go. I ran into her the other day, we didn't talk but just seeing her was enough. How do i get myself to move on, it's proving impossible and after a year i'm getting very frustrated with myself as i'm wasting my life on a girl who won't even talk to me anymore. Anyone in a similar boat ?
SCG_Sasa1111 Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 bro i feel the same. I have been going through everything you have and than some. The only diff between me and you is that she ended up leaving me for sum1 else after 4.5 yrs together. In november it will be officially a year since we "broke up" in my mind. I called it quits with her end of september (this time last year) for how she was acting - aka avoiding me, always making excuses- basically doing what she could 2 remove me from her life but also wanting me still. either way, i understand exactly how you feel. I have been working out for past 4.5 months now. I am doing everything I can to move on from this but the fact that she gave up on me after 4.5 yrs to go right away with someone else will live on in my mind for god knows how long, I am over her because I know I could never be with her ever again. its not her that i am focused on or whats getting me down but its the entire idea that after investing so much time into someone and being with them for 4.5 ****** years and for her to just put that all behind her because she developed feelings for the guy after 15 days?? me even writing about this 10 months later still feeels liek I am not completley over it- and I know i am not it still affects me and I wish it didn't . I wish i could wake up in the morning and have a reason to be happy but all i have is that i am in my final year of my undergraduate degree. other than that I truly feel liek this year was a blur to me- time is flying and i feel empty. I did lose myself in the break up AND i am trying to get myself back together. I have been going to the gym 6 days a week for a bout 40 mins to an hour to get way bigger and I have done that- the results are there. I am proud of myself for coming this far- but the road doesn't end here i still got many more months to work on myself and to just get on with my life. Right now though I will agree with you it feels rreally really empty because I have tryed to get with other girls since the break up but for some reason it just wouldn't happen I hooked up with a few but I still can't help the feelings that I have inside telling me I do not want a relationship; yet I feel like I should be going for any girl i desire...problem is I DONT DESIRE ANY CHICK After waht happeneed..Ive lost my desire to go into relationships. you feel the same way?
smudge21 Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 Over a year ago I was so happy to be single and just made many plans to do many things. Then she came into my life and all I wanted was to be with her. Now I find it hard to be that same happy single person again. I truly have no idea how I enjoyed single life before... it's very odd, and annoying. I too don't feel like dating again as they just don't seem to compare to her. Something is always not quite right. I know that is shallow and wrong, but I can't help how I still feel. I think having mutual friends and knowing she can contact me in many ways keeps that door open and by doing so means I'm not fully moving on. With a previous addiction like this I totally moved on - number changed, location changed, the works. There was no way she could make contact, and that was that. Maybe the fact you know you could see your ex at any time is keeping that same door open, or at least unlocked, and therefore not really allowing you to fully heal. I have plans to move early next year so at least that is something, but I know that will still feel bad for me as there is still so much of me that harbours that hope. By leaving I'm walking away - my head says yes, my heart says no.
Author broken-and-lost Posted September 26, 2011 Author Posted September 26, 2011 bro i feel the same. I have been going through everything you have and than some. The only diff between me and you is that she ended up leaving me for sum1 else after 4.5 yrs together. In november it will be officially a year since we "broke up" in my mind. I called it quits with her end of september (this time last year) for how she was acting - aka avoiding me, always making excuses- basically doing what she could 2 remove me from her life but also wanting me still. either way, i understand exactly how you feel. I have been working out for past 4.5 months now. I am doing everything I can to move on from this but the fact that she gave up on me after 4.5 yrs to go right away with someone else will live on in my mind for god knows how long, I am over her because I know I could never be with her ever again. its not her that i am focused on or whats getting me down but its the entire idea that after investing so much time into someone and being with them for 4.5 ****** years and for her to just put that all behind her because she developed feelings for the guy after 15 days?? me even writing about this 10 months later still feeels liek I am not completley over it- and I know i am not it still affects me and I wish it didn't . I wish i could wake up in the morning and have a reason to be happy but all i have is that i am in my final year of my undergraduate degree. other than that I truly feel liek this year was a blur to me- time is flying and i feel empty. I did lose myself in the break up AND i am trying to get myself back together. I have been going to the gym 6 days a week for a bout 40 mins to an hour to get way bigger and I have done that- the results are there. I am proud of myself for coming this far- but the road doesn't end here i still got many more months to work on myself and to just get on with my life. Right now though I will agree with you it feels rreally really empty because I have tryed to get with other girls since the break up but for some reason it just wouldn't happen I hooked up with a few but I still can't help the feelings that I have inside telling me I do not want a relationship; yet I feel like I should be going for any girl i desire...problem is I DONT DESIRE ANY CHICK After waht happeneed..Ive lost my desire to go into relationships. you feel the same way? Hey bro really sorry your going through the same thing it's a killer inside and i do feel the same way when it comes to other girls just something inside me won't let it go was 3 years for me but less then yourself but what you just described above is more or less the same as i'm feeling right now. I woke up this morning again feeling this crappy feeling about how things have turned out wishing i could just forget this stuff and move on but it just won't go anywhere no matter what i do.
Author broken-and-lost Posted September 26, 2011 Author Posted September 26, 2011 Over a year ago I was so happy to be single and just made many plans to do many things. Then she came into my life and all I wanted was to be with her. Now I find it hard to be that same happy single person again. I truly have no idea how I enjoyed single life before... it's very odd, and annoying. I too don't feel like dating again as they just don't seem to compare to her. Something is always not quite right. I know that is shallow and wrong, but I can't help how I still feel. I think having mutual friends and knowing she can contact me in many ways keeps that door open and by doing so means I'm not fully moving on. With a previous addiction like this I totally moved on - number changed, location changed, the works. There was no way she could make contact, and that was that. Maybe the fact you know you could see your ex at any time is keeping that same door open, or at least unlocked, and therefore not really allowing you to fully heal. I have plans to move early next year so at least that is something, but I know that will still feel bad for me as there is still so much of me that harbours that hope. By leaving I'm walking away - my head says yes, my heart says no. I think your right about seeing her at any point leave a door open in many ways as she lives about a mile away and i run into her along the road a few times i ran into her about a week ago while i was parked at traffic lights and she happened to be crossing the road this didn't help me and doesn't help, I own my own home which makes it a bit more difficult to move i was hoping she would have moved out of the area by now but this hasn't happened she only rents. I dreading the day i see her with another guy hand in hand which by now i was hoping not to care about at all
smudge21 Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 Yeah, I definitely think you've not really ever been truly 100% NC - there's always been something there, some link or connection. I'm kinda' the same due to mutual friends and yes it does hurt knowing she's with someone else (and getting married). Maybe realising that you're in this situation and you're not NC may help you to figure out ways to change it. I don't know, hard to really say what your options are.
Author broken-and-lost Posted September 26, 2011 Author Posted September 26, 2011 Yeah, I definitely think you've not really ever been truly 100% NC - there's always been something there, some link or connection. I'm kinda' the same due to mutual friends and yes it does hurt knowing she's with someone else (and getting married). Maybe realising that you're in this situation and you're not NC may help you to figure out ways to change it. I don't know, hard to really say what your options are. Yeah your right fella, we haven't truly been NC since it all started she has either contacted me in some small way or we have run into each other last time we spoke was in may around my birthday when she made some big effort to wish me happy birthday but we haven't been totally NC in the true sense which makes it hard to move on as you say. I need to figure away to move on totally i'm just not sure at this point how to do it anymore. I thought seeing someone else would do it but that hasn't been the case my thoughts don't driffit far from her
smudge21 Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 Seeing someone else is like trying to force out your emotions and that never works. They go when they go. By all means make friends with others and hang out as by keeping busy it will distract you. Plus the company will be good. I think just saying to yourself that you will never be fully NC but you're trying your best and somedays will be bad, some good, but you will heal eventually.
Author broken-and-lost Posted September 27, 2011 Author Posted September 27, 2011 Seeing someone else is like trying to force out your emotions and that never works. They go when they go. By all means make friends with others and hang out as by keeping busy it will distract you. Plus the company will be good. I think just saying to yourself that you will never be fully NC but you're trying your best and somedays will be bad, some good, but you will heal eventually. cheers for the advice smudge i always appreciate your feedback can be difficult to judge your own reactions and emotions and whether your healing at all some times it just all becomes a blur. I guess like you said it will fade when it fades and for now i'm just going to have to take each day as it comes.
ScienceGal Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 Seeing someone else is like trying to force out your emotions and that never works. They go when they go. By all means make friends with others and hang out as by keeping busy it will distract you. Plus the company will be good. I think just saying to yourself that you will never be fully NC but you're trying your best and somedays will be bad, some good, but you will heal eventually. I am 3.5 months post break up. He has moved on, and has pictures of his new woman sitting on his lap up on fb. Ugh. I've hung out with a new guy a few times and he is nice. But, i still feel nothing inside except that I miss the ex sometimes. I'm also going to the gym and volunteering. What's key is that things are moving... slowly... But at least they are moving. Definitely spend time hanging out and doing fun things. And always give yourself credit... You are making progress
StellaA Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 I am 4 months seperated. I still have the same feelings now as I did when we split. I am stronger as I am not crying every second of the day but I don't feel stronger. I'm ok for a few days and then this morning I drove past him and we wave, it's so hard as he used to be the one person I could talk to and now I can't. I think like everyone says it is a 'time' thing. I 2 want to wake up one day and feel ok but I think I have a long way to go yet. My ex and I did not split on bad terms, he had some issues and went into hospital for a bit. When he came out he wanted space to sort himself out which was hard to accpet but I had not option. I hoep one day in the future we can talk as friends but right now I'm not strong enough. It is hard because he said he will always love me and he feels bad because I have help make him the person he is today but he can't be in a relationship. I just wish he had decided this before moving in with me. I have to move on and remember the good times, work on myself and have faith that someone good is out there waiting and deserves you!
Diogenes Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 These feelings are natural, but often take the form of putting the EX and the relationship on a pedestal and worshiping at it. Our ex's are not gods/goddess's, they are human with human failings, and our past relationships should be looked at as learning experiences. If they ( our ex's and the relationship) were as good as we all felt they were, they would still be with us. The only way to beat this addiction to the other person, and an addiction is what it is, is to try and look at them from a stranger's perspective, eg. " She/he been sleeping with a guy/girl they met on Facebook for six months? My God, after the work Suzy/Fred put into that relationship and they pull this s(*t on them? Suzy/Fred are well rid of that Bas&*%d/ S*&t" The other thing you have to do is get involved in entirely new activities, doing the old ones you used to do with the EX only dredges up memories of when they actually gave a S*(t about you. Make a list of things you always wanted to try, the more outside your comfort zone the better, this is where you shake the past loose, and will be the place you'll most likely meet someone else who makes you feel whole again. If I can do it after 24 years of marriage it should be a piece of cake for those of you with 4 or five years in a relationship.
ffw Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 I agree with diogenes. Even my ex left me for someone else after 4.5 years because according to her I was not comitted & ready for marriage. As others already mentioned, the best thing will be to not to put them on pedestal & focus on their negative aspects. Noboby is perfect. Also, keeping yourself busy and dating new people helps. This will move your focus on other things. Remember, the moment you start to have feelings for other person, your ex will be an ex.
StellaA Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 Great advise guys...........and yes, your right...if you can do it after 24 years of marriage your proof it can be done! How are you feeling now?
Diogenes Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 Thank you for asking, I'm doing good today, but I still have my moments. I've been invited out to a Celtic Pub by a new crowd of people I've met. I met them by forcing myself to go to every free event I could find. ( art shows, gallery/ museum showings, wine tasting events , theaters etc.) Now I get a notification on Facebook when ever any of them find a fun event to attend, not only that, the pictures of yours truly in the company of attractive females are dutifully uploaded where they can be seen by my ex and all her friends ;~) I did everything I could from the day after she dropped the bomb on me, cycled 10 miles a day, joined a gym and pounded iron 5 days a week, took up yoga and meditation. I also made a list of all the things I'd wanted to do, but had put on hold because she no longer wanted to do them or my duties as a father and husband took first priority. Even if you do all of the above it still hurts like hell, it wasn't until I realized much of what happened was not my fault and was just excuses that allowed my wife to deal with her guilt of that it began to get easier. Another thing you have to do is make peace with the past, Forgive yourself and them and move on. In my case I will not allow all those loving events be stripped from me by the most recent events. After all, this woman I know longer recognize was for most of the last 24 years was my soul mate, my best friend, the mother of my children and always had my back. The only question I will ask whatever happens to be God when my time comes is " Where did all that love go? " That is the only question I now allow myself, the rest means very little to me.
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