Marsil Posted September 25, 2011 Posted September 25, 2011 Hi, I am 29 years old woman, almost 30. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 10 years. We have lived together for the past 9 years. He wants to get married, I don't. I also don't want to have children and he says hes ok with it but I know he isn't. I love him very much and I know we will spend our life together. I just get these panic attacks when I think about being married and I really do feel sick when I think about having children. I am the oldest of 7 children. I was 8 years old and helping my mom change diapers on my younger siblings and I was the babysitters from 11 years old to 18 years old. I had to help with everything. I feel like I was the second mom to them and even today my younger brothers and my sister call me whenever they need anything and feel like they can't talk to my parents about it for whatever reason. I am the one who go pick them up when they do stupid things or I am the shoulder they cry on when they need to cry. I have always been there for them and I love them very much but I when I think about babies and having one and go through that all over again I really start having mini panic attacks and sometimes I feel like the walls around me are closing in and I need to go outside or I burst into tears thinking how my life would be over. My boyfriend is the youngest of 2 children. He never experienced any younger siblings and his brother has a good age difference with him. I think he thinks having children is all rainbows and butterflies and he has often said to me he would take care of everything if I ever changed my mind and that he would make sure we never miss anything but I know how he doesnt know what its like. I know him. I know he will get tired and lean on me and I know it will fall back on me to take care of the children and to do all the hard work. Although I know he means what he says, I also know how lazy he can be in general. He enjoys his free time and does whatever he wants all the time. I feel bad knowing he would have children if it was up to him and I also know he doesn't understand how I feel. Even as I type this I feel sick and have a hard time even thinking about it. I feel like there is something wrong with me and if even the thought of having children makes me sick to my stomach and I have trouble breathing and I feel dizzy and I would rather have my arm cut off then being pregnant. What should I do?
Dorie Posted September 25, 2011 Posted September 25, 2011 The situation has the potential to be very bad. Such divergent opinions on such important topics often do. Have you considered dating someone for whom marriage and children are absolute "no's"?
Eddie Edirol Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 I am one of the people that doesnt want a family. There is nothing wrong with you, or your opinion about children. But I suspect that you stayed with your bf because you think you cant do better. Bottom line is, even if you got married, he will dissolve it at some point due to wanting children. So you should deal with breaking up now, and do the work to find someone that will have the same opinions about children as you. Thats your only choice. If you know he wants kids, it will just be big trouble down the line. And marriage and divorce is too expensive to go through when you know theres too many issues to solve first.
lovnlost Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 I was you for many years. I had to take care of my brother and sister while my parents partied and goofed off for years. It was very hard. I knew I wanted children at some point in my life, but I wanted things in place first like a house, and done with school. Well, I had a child, with my now ex girlfriend and it was difficult. She didnt want to have one, and I knew the right thing was to keep my daughter. Since then my child has helped me grow by leaps and bounds and it has been an incredible experience. I can't imagine my life without her now. However I notice drawbacks in our relationship, kid and I. I like my free time as well. I am also very strapped for time as I am a student in my 30's and I also have things to do like sail, shoot, travel and other things. I still do these things but on my time. My ex and I have a 50/50 split. My situation though, isnt like yours now. What I am saying is, if you think there is an opportunity to do this, maybe give it a chance. Yes that chance is for life. But there are far more rewards to this than you will know. Even when it is hard, you will find love where you least expect it. And your boyfriends attitude will change as well. The arrival of the child will make that so. Especially if he is ok with the notion of having a kid. I knew alot about raising a child due to my past experiences, yet my ex, knew little and would not concede. She listened to her and still does, her mother for advice who is a fine grandmother, but not a great parental figure in terms of daily activities and discipline. My point is, communication is paramount between the two of you. Not just for this, but for the sake of your relationship as a whole. It will determine your future. Have a sit down time with him and talk openly and honestly about your fears. You will come to a conclusion by getting those feelings out in the open and figure out, (and here is the cool part), TOGETHER, what is right for yours and his future. This is important as you know. Try it on for size and see how things go.
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