Its Over :(

[26pointblue]

Yes, FWB is something I understand, and have had in the past. MM seemed to take it one step further from the get go, emailing multiple times a day, lots of I love yous . I regarded him as a FWB up until the last 6 months..

 

I only wanted to be FWB w/ my xMM too. I think that some MMs are incredibly selfish [let's face it . . . it's inherently selfish to have sex with someone else while married, & disrespectful of both W & OW] & have low self-esteem & need the ego boost of the OW being desperately in love with them & wanting them to leave their wife for her. I told my xMM that I didn't want to ruin his family or have him leave his wife, that it was just about the sex for me . . . yes, I had issues or I never would have been down for such a situation, but, it's where I was at at the time . . . & HE was the one who pushed it emotionally, telling me he loved me & wanting me to love him to. I think some MM are incredibly into the emotional aspect of an affair as well as the sexual & are very good at doing all the romantic things to get the OW to want him as more than an affair. I'm sure there are some affairs where FBW type relationships work but those people are usually not the ones here posting on LS. Here we have the all-out emotional affairs that are heated & passionate & full of drama & chaos & confusion. And it seems to me that many times much of this is driven by the MM [NOT that this exonerates me or any other OW or gives us the right to claim victim of abdicate ourselves of our own responsibility in the whole mess]. Often MMs seem to be conflicted, immature people who want the security & benefits of a marriage as well as the thrill of an affair on the side & they get carried away into fairytale land & can't keep it just as sex on the side, which IMO is bad enough as it is because they are lying to & betraying the person they promised to put first & love.

[Wandaland]

Quite frankly, the only person I feel sorry for in this case, is the wife of the man that you had an affair with. She has a husband who has been betraying her, deceiving her, lying to her and taking advantage of her trust for the past 3 years. I really hope she'll finally find out the truth about the affair sooner or later. Because she deserves to know the truth, and he deserves to suffer the consequences.

Edited October 5, 2011 by Wandaland

[Kitsune77]

Yes, that has been my experience also. MM pushed the emotional part.

I felt that tge affair was something that he felt was just for him, beyond duty, work and family. Not so sure about the lack of self exteme or immaturity though.

 

I only wanted to be FWB w/ my xMM too. I think that some MMs are incredibly selfish [let's face it . . . it's inherently selfish to have sex with someone else while married, & disrespectful of both W & OW] & have low self-esteem & need the ego boost of the OW being desperately in love with them & wanting them to leave their wife for her. I told my xMM that I didn't want to ruin his family or have him leave his wife, that it was just about the sex for me . . . yes, I had issues or I never would have been down for such a situation, but, it's where I was at at the time . . . & HE was the one who pushed it emotionally, telling me he loved me & wanting me to love him to. I think some MM are incredibly into the emotional aspect of an affair as well as the sexual & are very good at doing all the romantic things to get the OW to want him as more than an affair. I'm sure there are some affairs where FBW type relationships work but those people are usually not the ones here posting on LS. Here we have the all-out emotional affairs that are heated & passionate & full of drama & chaos & confusion. And it seems to me that many times much of this is driven by the MM [NOT that this exonerates me or any other OW or gives us the right to claim victim of abdicate ourselves of our own responsibility in the whole mess]. Often MMs seem to be conflicted, immature people who want the security & benefits of a marriage as well as the thrill of an affair on the side & they get carried away into fairytale land & can't keep it just as sex on the side, which IMO is bad enough as it is because they are lying to & betraying the person they promised to put first & love.

[Kitsune77]

His wife is not my bussiness, I am not having a relationship with her. I really hope she doesn't find out, as I do not want there family to break up. But if she does, that's between him and her. Again not my bussiness. If I knew her personally it would be differant.only he knows why he had an affair, and what is lacking in their marriage, so it's up to him to adress it.

Quite frankly, the only person I feel sorry for in this case, is the wife of the man that you had an affair with. She has a husband who has been betraying her, deceiving her, lying to her and taking advantage of her trust for the past 3 years. I really hope she'll finally find out the truth about the affair sooner or later. Because she deserves to know the truth, and he deserves to suffer the consequences.

[Gentlegirl]

His wife is not my bussiness, I am not having a relationship with her. I really hope she doesn't find out, as I do not want there family to break up. But if she does, that's between him and her. Again not my bussiness. If I knew her personally it would be differant.only he knows why he had an affair, and what is lacking in their marriage, so it's up to him to adress it.

 

"Children are completely egoistic; they feel their need intensely and strive ruthlessly to satisfy them." Sigmund Freud

 

This is how I see people( including myself) behaving in an A. We revert to children. We want, crave, desire, selfishly. It probably isn't the way most of us would beahve normally... just a thought.

 

GG

[Kitsune77]

Call me naive, but I believe that affairs happen, because long term monogamy is not nessearily acnatural thing. For men or women. The ideal? Maybe, but the reality is very differant. Again, maybe I am naive , but I see affairs as the wish of an adult( and I am not talking serial cheaters here) to experience a fuller life, whilst bound to the very uncompromising rules of society. What I see as childish, is 2 people not expecting each other to grow, change, explore.in a perfect world, we could share our needs for this with our SO, but as LS has shown, this is not the case.I think that's why I have never married, I cannot honestly say I will love and desire someone forever.

"Children are completely egoistic; they feel their need intensely and strive ruthlessly to satisfy them." Sigmund Freud

 

This is how I see people( including myself) behaving in an A. We revert to children. We want, crave, desire, selfishly. It probably isn't the way most of us would beahve normally... just a thought.

 

GG

[Gentlegirl]

Call me naive, but I believe that affairs happen, because long term monogamy is not nessearily acnatural thing. For men or women. The ideal? Maybe, but the reality is very differant. Again, maybe I am naive , but I see affairs as the wish of an adult( and I am not talking serial cheaters here) to experience a fuller life, whilst bound to the very uncompromising rules of society. What I see as childish, is 2 people not expecting each other to grow, change, explore.in a perfect world, we could share our needs for this with our SO, but as LS has shown, this is not the case.I think that's why I have never married, I cannot honestly say I will love and desire someone forever.

 

I know you are NOT naive.

 

I agree with you about the theory of monogamy... just impossible over a life time. Bloke gets fat and ugly, wife gets fat and ugly... look at each other and say YUK! God, wouldn't you get bored with anything after 40, 50 years??????

 

 

I was talking about the feelings during an A not the reasons they happen. I liken the way I felt to the quote.

 

Cheers,

 

GG

[alexandria35]

Call me naive, but I believe that affairs happen, because long term monogamy is not nessearily acnatural thing. For men or women. The ideal? Maybe, but the reality is very differant. Again, maybe I am naive , but I see affairs as the wish of an adult( and I am not talking serial cheaters here) to experience a fuller life, whilst bound to the very uncompromising rules of society. What I see as childish, is 2 people not expecting each other to grow, change, explore.in a perfect world, we could share our needs for this with our SO, but as LS has shown, this is not the case.I think that's why I have never married, I cannot honestly say I will love and desire someone forever.

 

Anyone who thinks that the secret to a fuller and richer life is having multiple physical or emotional romantic partners is simpleminded and lacking in imagination. Seriously. I never got married, I have had three long term relationships and a few short term relationships (2 years or less) and I have been in love several times. Falling into a relationship is the easiest thing in the world. It doesn't take any creativity, imagination, intelligence or work. I admire people who say they are dissatisfied with their life and then actually go out and do something worthwhile. Weather it be something altruistic like getting involved in charity or something more self oriented like pursuing a talent or some other passion. Getting involved with a new relationship is just a quick fix to personal dissatisfaction. It's the easy way to get a new thrill but it never last.

 

I also respect people who don't believe in monogamy and live their lives openly that way. It's no excuse for deceiving and sneaking around. I could never see myself spending a lifetime with any of my partners, so guess what? I never married any of them. Had I gotten married and then decided that I wanted to play around I have no doubt in my mind that I would have divorced because it's just not in me to deceive and lie to people about who I really am. Has nothing to do with being moral or altruistic either, it's because I know I could never be happy living my life in a secretive way.

[Kitsune77]

Well, GG, there is very much that aspect whilst in an affair, so I do agree with the sentiment:)

 

I know you are NOT naive.

 

I agree with you about the theory of monogamy... just impossible over a life time. Bloke gets fat and ugly, wife gets fat and ugly... look at each other and say YUK! God, wouldn't you get bored with anything after 40, 50 years??????

 

 

I was talking about the feelings during an A not the reasons they happen. I liken the way I felt to the quote.

 

Cheers,

 

GG

[Kitsune77]

There is a lot here I agree with:)

 

Anyone who thinks that the secret to a fuller and richer life is having multiple physical or emotional romantic partners is simpleminded and lacking in imagination. Seriously. I never got married, I have had three long term relationships and a few short term relationships (2 years or less) and I have been in love several times. Falling into a relationship is the easiest thing in the world. It doesn't take any creativity, imagination, intelligence or work. I admire people who say they are dissatisfied with their life and then actually go out and do something worthwhile. Weather it be something altruistic like getting involved in charity or something more self oriented like pursuing a talent or some other passion. Getting involved with a new relationship is just a quick fix to personal dissatisfaction. It's the easy way to get a new thrill but it never last.

 

I also respect people who don't believe in monogamy and live their lives openly that way. It's no excuse for deceiving and sneaking around. I could never see myself spending a lifetime with any of my partners, so guess what? I never married any of them. Had I gotten married and then decided that I wanted to play around I have no doubt in my mind that I would have divorced because it's just not in me to deceive and lie to people about who I really am. Has nothing to do with being moral or altruistic either, it's because I know I could never be happy living my life in a secretive way.

[Wandaland]

His wife is not my bussiness, I am not having a relationship with her. I really hope she doesn't find out, as I do not want there family to break up. But if she does, that's between him and her. Again not my bussiness. If I knew her personally it would be differant.only he knows why he had an affair, and what is lacking in their marriage, so it's up to him to adress it.

 

So, you don't think she deserves to know the truth? You think it was right of him to treat her so horribly?

[Kitsune77]

I don't know anything about there relationship, for all I know she may be having multiple affairs, again, not my bussiness. As I have stated many times here, I dint want him to leave his wife. My relationship with him is my bussiness, and it's making a big assumption that she " has tge right to know. " or indeed doesnt already know.It's also making an assumption that just becuse he loves me, it doesn't mean he doesn't love her. And I may cop some flack here, but our relationship never took away from his family time. From what I know, he treats her like a prinsess.

 

So, you don't think she deserves to know the truth? You think it was right of him to treat her so horribly?

[Wandaland]

I don't know anything about there relationship, for all I know she may be having multiple affairs, again, not my bussiness. As I have stated many times here, I dint want him to leave his wife. My relationship with him is my bussiness, and it's making a big assumption that she " has tge right to know. " or indeed doesnt already know.It's also making an assumption that just becuse he loves me, it doesn't mean he doesn't love her. And I may cop some flack here, but our relationship never took away from his family time. From what I know, he treats her like a prinsess.

 

You don't have to know anything about their relationship to answer these questions. It doesn't matter what kind of a woman she is, she deserves to know that the man she thought was honest and trustworthy, was betraying the marriage and leading a 2nd life with another woman. Obviously he didn't treat her like a "princess". A good man doesn't lie, deceive and betray the person he's supposedly in love with. For someone who is so devoted to his family, he sure took a huge risk of loosing them.

[silic0ntoad]

Call me naive, but I believe that affairs happen, because long term monogamy is not nessearily acnatural thing. For men or women. The ideal? Maybe, but the reality is very differant. Again, maybe I am naive , but I see affairs as the wish of an adult( and I am not talking serial cheaters here) to experience a fuller life, whilst bound to the very uncompromising rules of society. What I see as childish, is 2 people not expecting each other to grow, change, explore.in a perfect world, we could share our needs for this with our SO, but as LS has shown, this is not the case.I think that's why I have never married, I cannot honestly say I will love and desire someone forever.

 

That has got to be the single most ridiculous excuse for feeling the desire to sleep with and conduct an affair with a person who is in a comitted marriage.

 

Love and desire forever? Doubtful. There's a book. Love is a Choice. Read it. Human beings aren't hard wired to react to social restraints; we CHOOSE TOO. And loving someone unconditionally is a choice, obviously one some of us make insincerely, or make sincerely.

 

The funniest part about these threads, about your strength and solidarity in ending the affair, is no one discusses the weakness that led you there. Not trolling here, but a serious psychosocial problem we as a society has is that we act in a manner completely unbefit adult persons when confronted with what we want, and this applies to both you and him. He was weak because he couldn't end his marriage and have some self respect and dignity. You were weak because you couldn't recognize that your beliefs aren't held by everyone, and when that's the case you don't simply act them out, thus damaging this mans family probably beyond repair. Expecting everyone else to live by the standard of polygamous life isn't fair, especially to the betrayed spouse, which I believe is probably an after thought.

 

I know this may have been scathing, but honestly, I have zero remorse for people who get into situations and are weak, and then try to praise themselves for strength and solidarity afterwards. Recognize your own weaknesses throughout this entire debacle and perhaps you'll come out better for it in the end.

 

Regards.

[Kitsune77]

Oh for goodness sake, I was not weak for getting involved, it was my choice, I was not seduced by the big bad MM, quite the opposite, and I have not congratulated myself for ending it. I am not part of the sad and sorry brigade, I loved him, he loved me, he happened to be involved with someone else. As has been stated here, quite a few times, love is not about ownership. And again, the assumptions made on LS about his marriage are mind boggling, you all here know as much about his wife as I do.

 

And for the record, I do think about his wife (not a lot) and as I have stated many, many times, I DO NOT want their family to break up. But as Open book once said, its up to him to do his own housekeeping.

 

In regards to love...Real love is actually kind to the one you love. Romatic love, as we commonly know it , feeds the ego, "you make me feel good, you are such a great person, I have to have you all to myself to keep this feeling going " , then when I don't get what I want, I have to destroy your life, inform your wife, make it my bussiness what is going on in your relationship.... Is this love? is this caring for his wife or family????

 

LS is full of it (excuse the pun:)

 

I will easily break it off with him to protect him from loosing the family he loves, as I know and love him, but as I do not know his wife, I will not do it for her. Not being an enlightened being, but a humble human one, I protect and look after those I personally know and love.

 

And why on earth should I tell his wife, I mean the woman no harm, he is not a serial cheater, and why should I hurt her or their children in this fashion? Again, I know nothing about their relationship..maybe his affair with me has brought them closer, who knows? And silic0ntoad you again assume he wanted to end his marriage, I assumed no such thing. He does not want to end his marriage, and I have not had a problem with that.

 

I have read love is a choice (again you make an assumption) and I was not very impressed.

 

And NO ONE loves someone unconditionally. I have no remorse for loving him. I have other things I am deeply remorseful for , which I won't go into here. But remorse for experiancing a love such as ours? No way.

 

So in your belief system, if you go against common held beliefs, you are weak???? So according to you, Eratosthenes discovering the world was round , was weak?

 

Oh I forgot, this is the OW/OM forum.

 

I have come out of it stronger and better in the end for having known and loved him, and shared a relationship such as we had.

 

And thank for your advice , but this is not a debacle, it is called life, and growth, learning and loving, which transcend the mind, but not the heart or soul.

 

Thank you for your reply.

 

 

 

That has got to be the single most ridiculous excuse for feeling the desire to sleep with and conduct an affair with a person who is in a comitted marriage.

 

Love and desire forever? Doubtful. There's a book. Love is a Choice. Read it. Human beings aren't hard wired to react to social restraints; we CHOOSE TOO. And loving someone unconditionally is a choice, obviously one some of us make insincerely, or make sincerely.

 

The funniest part about these threads, about your strength and solidarity in ending the affair, is no one discusses the weakness that led you there. Not trolling here, but a serious psychosocial problem we as a society has is that we act in a manner completely unbefit adult persons when confronted with what we want, and this applies to both you and him. He was weak because he couldn't end his marriage and have some self respect and dignity. You were weak because you couldn't recognize that your beliefs aren't held by everyone, and when that's the case you don't simply act them out, thus damaging this mans family probably beyond repair. Expecting everyone else to live by the standard of polygamous life isn't fair, especially to the betrayed spouse, which I believe is probably an after thought.

 

I know this may have been scathing, but honestly, I have zero remorse for people who get into situations and are weak, and then try to praise themselves for strength and solidarity afterwards. Recognize your own weaknesses throughout this entire debacle and perhaps you'll come out better for it in the end.

 

Regards.

Edited October 25, 2011 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Kitsune77]

Again an asumption that she thinks hes honest and trustworthy.

 

 

You don't have to know anything about their relationship to answer these questions. It doesn't matter what kind of a woman she is, she deserves to know that the man she thought was honest and trustworthy, was betraying the marriage and leading a 2nd life with another woman. Obviously he didn't treat her like a "princess". A good man doesn't lie, deceive and betray the person he's supposedly in love with. For someone who is so devoted to his family, he sure took a huge risk of loosing them.

[JaneyAmazed]

Anyone who thinks that the secret to a fuller and richer life is having multiple physical or emotional romantic partners is simpleminded and lacking in imagination. .

 

 

I wouldn't say they are simpleminded. I'd say they aren't content and searching for contentment in "all the wrong places." If anything, affairs diminish your life. The secret to a fuller and richer life is contentment. How can you be content if you're always seeking something different?