Its Over :(

[Kitsune77]

Well, after nearly 3 years, the affair is over. we mutually ended it this morning....It was doing my head in, and I became someone I didn't like, and was also hurting him. It is sad, but we have ended it on a loving note.

 

We work together, so it may be difficult. One good thing is there was never any expectation he would leave his wife, nor did I want him to.

 

Even though I am very sad, I feel releived. I have broken it off numerous times, but this is the first time he has agreed, I think he saw how destructive it was becoming.

[missy268]

Today is the first day of the rest of your life

 

It may hurt, and you may feel sad, but you will get through it

 

I can only imagine how hard it must of been after 3 years and especially as you still have to work together, just be strong, for yourself!

 

hugs xx

[Kitsune77]

Yes, your advice is very accurate.

 

Actually, I think it may be better at work, now that we aren't sleeping together. Hiding it was very difficult for me. We work in differant divisions, so don't see each other a lot. And he was so worried about being found out, that he didn't suport my career much( sometimes the exact opposite) publically that is, privately he was very supportive, and as seems to be the case here, he was my best friend also.

[Silly_Girl]

It sounds as though it all became so difficult and burdensome, and that is no fun for anyone. The break-up will be hard on you, I am sure, but I hope it's not too long before the relief starts to override the pain. You will start to feel so very free and whole, I'm sure. How will it be at work? And how hard will it be not to resume things, do you think?

 

Very best of luck.

[eleanor01]

Aw, Kitsune.

 

*HUG*

 

I wish for you strength and peace.

 

Best wishes,

Ellie

[So Very Confused]

Even though he agreed with you that it's over, don't expect him to not be in contact and keep "trying". Have a game plan for what you will do when it happens.

 

I'm sorry you are going through the pain. The first few days are awful, but it does get better. I'm proud of you for making a good choice to not participate in something that was hurting you!

[Kitsune77]

Thanks Elli.

 

Strength and peace would be lovely, and an ideal to work towards:))

 

Aw, Kitsune.

 

*HUG*

 

I wish for you strength and peace.

 

Best wishes,

Ellie

[Kitsune77]

Hi SVC,

We have decided NOT to go no contact, have done that in the past, and all it did was raise the longing through the roof. We don't physically see each other very much anyway, and I don't expect that to change in the near future .

 

I know others here will probably not agree with me not going NC, but we are friends and colleagues, and I feel it will be harder when we do have to relate if we go NC. Also, I feel the relationship has a better chance of dying out this way.

 

We care about each other greatly, and I have hurt him immensely in the past. I am hoping we can both be pragmatic about this, understand that we love each other, but it cannot continue. So far it seems to be working. There is the sorrow and loss....and as has been mentioned here before, the sense of what could have been is great.

 

We had planned to go to a conference together overseas in the next few months, it would have been the first time that we had spent 2 whole days together just hanging out..and I am sad (and maybe angry at myself) that I pulled the plug now.

 

And there is the lingering feeling that I wished I could have just lived in the moment with him. I often think how difficult it must be for women in love with a MM, who tells them that he will leave their wife, and have an expectation of a future. We didn't have that, nor did I want it . I just couldn't deal with the way it was between us. And also I think the guilt on his part got to him.

 

 

Even though he agreed with you that it's over, don't expect him to not be in contact and keep "trying". Have a game plan for what you will do when it happens.

 

I'm sorry you are going through the pain. The first few days are awful, but it does get better. I'm proud of you for making a good choice to not participate in something that was hurting you!

[Kitsune77]

Kristie, of course he couldn't spend a weekend with me. He has children, and is very devoted to them. Also I didn't want to spend weekends with him. We have actually spent between 5-7 days and nights together, multiple times in the last 3 years( I probably didn't explain my post properly) but we have been working pretty much all those times.

 

Also I broke it off with him. I felt I was getting too close. Also I don't want him to leave his wife. My son is now an adult, I have a very good career, and do not want to be tied down with step children. I was actually worried he would leave his wife for me at one stage:)

He is a lovely man, who is a good friend, who I wish I had met in another time. We will both leave it at that.

Thanks for replying.

 

QUOTE=kristismiles;3646173]In 3 years time this man did not even make the sacrifice to try to spend a weekend with you. 3 years and you never even spent two days in a row together? Thank the dear lord you ended it. My goodness. Take this man off his pedestal and look at him for the the cakeeater he is. Go no contact. It is the only way to heal.

 

This is not to be cruel but a man like this who is not leaving and did not even make the time for two days of alone time with you will have a new ow. He got too close to you. It scared him. He will have someone new. Do not give this man the satisfaction of your friendship. He does not deserve it. Hell be, I'd be flirting up in other mens (single mens) faces in front of him.

[So Very Confused]

Hi SVC,

We have decided NOT to go no contact, have done that in the past, and all it did was raise the longing through the roof. We don't physically see each other very much anyway, and I don't expect that to change in the near future .

 

I know others here will probably not agree with me not going NC, but we are friends and colleagues, and I feel it will be harder when we do have to relate if we go NC. Also, I feel the relationship has a better chance of dying out this way.

 

We care about each other greatly, and I have hurt him immensely in the past. I am hoping we can both be pragmatic about this, understand that we love each other, but it cannot continue. So far it seems to be working. There is the sorrow and loss....and as has been mentioned here before, the sense of what could have been is great.

 

We had planned to go to a conference together overseas in the next few months, it would have been the first time that we had spent 2 whole days together just hanging out..and I am sad (and maybe angry at myself) that I pulled the plug now.

 

And there is the lingering feeling that I wished I could have just lived in the moment with him. I often think how difficult it must be for women in love with a MM, who tells them that he will leave their wife, and have an expectation of a future. We didn't have that, nor did I want it . I just couldn't deal with the way it was between us. And also I think the guilt on his part got to him.

 

I haven't gone NC either. I haven't seen him in almost a month, but we have stayed in LC (loose contact). In my case, I think the LC has helped with the healing process. After being in love so strongly with him thought of never talking to him again was unbearable. I guess I try to think of it like recovering alcoholic thinks about drinking. I choose to not be in contact with him today because it's whats best for me and I can choose or not choose to do it again tomorrow. Only having to worry about today has been very beneficial for me. During the time we have been in LC, he's been so off and on and contradictory, it's actually helped me to see him and his issues more accurately. I've seen a side of him that I would never be able to tolerate in a full time, committed relationship. I'm not left with the sad feeling of "what if" and "if only".

 

You said both of you are supposed to be attending a conference together and that you were sad because you had pulled the plug now. I hope you get over the sadness. You can wait for this event or that event for a long, long time and all of that waiting is time you could be spending doing what you really want to do with the rest of your life.

[Kitsune77]

Hi SG,

The stuff in my head became more burdensome, I think. When I look at it logically, he did whatever i asked of him.....I don't think either he or I quite knew how to deal with an affair (the first for both of us), and he also is not very experienced with women. (trust me on this)

 

Luckily we don't see each other every day. I think the main problem was I started to make my emotions revolve around him, not good in any relationship, and this created a neediness on my part that I started to dislike. I already feel a sense of relief coming on.

 

Plus there have been ongoing issues in my private life, that have nothing to do with him, that was impacting negatively on us (and pretty much everyone around me), which he has taken the brunt off, and been very supportive with.

 

Sooo, I think it may be difficult for both of us to not fall into it again. I have decided I am going to go to the conference, I had a lot of potential clients lined up, and new contracts in the making and It is a bit stupid of me to ruin my career future because of a relationship.

 

Actually that was part of my anger with him last week, when he knows I am going away for work, he will organise to go also, and I told him he hasn't asked me if I want him there, that I may just want to go on my own for business, and not have to deal with the relationship whilst there.

 

I have a problem with communication sometimes, and perhaps should have just told him how I felt..He gets very mixed messages of me sometimes.

So we will see. I know nothing will resume between us unless I can deal with it in a more detached fashion. And as I said, the affair is part of a greater issue in my life I need to address.

And Kristie, the thought of him getting another OW made me smile, not an impossibility, but if you knew him, highly unlikely.

 

 

It sounds as though it all became so difficult and burdensome, and that is no fun for anyone. The break-up will be hard on you, I am sure, but I hope it's not too long before the relief starts to override the pain. You will start to feel so very free and whole, I'm sure. How will it be at work? And how hard will it be not to resume things, do you think?

 

Very best of luck.

[Kitsune77]

We have spent time together that wasnt just for bussiness, had dinners, evenings out, ect.

 

The not seeing him often was my wishes, maybe a way of not getting to close? I have a very busy life, and I can't just drop things to be with him also. Actually, it was more like he was my work wife, come to think of it. Thank you for helping me see that Kristie:) It has helped me put some perspective on it.

 

He cant fabricate a trip just for fun, hes one of the heads of a multinational corporation, and has to declare everything he spends, goes, stays ect. Having said that, he has bent those rules a lot for us....to a crazy degree sometimes. He has "fabricated" bussiness trips, specifically so we can be together, but then he really does have to do bussiness to justify being there, for the reasons mentioned above.

 

I have no problem with his family coming first, he wouldnt be the man I love if that was the case. He also knows that other things in my life come before him. Again , I don't want him to leave his wife.

 

Thank you Kristie, you actually are helping me get things in perspective, maybe not the way you intended, but it is helping:)

 

You have never spent time together that was not for business. He never in three years fabricated a business trip to be with you alone just for fun? This tells me you are doing the right thing leaving him. You were his work wife and then he would go home to his other wife. Cakeeater to the max.

[Kitsune77]

I haven't gone NC either. I haven't seen him in almost a month, but we have stayed in LC (loose contact). In my case, I think the LC has helped with the healing process. After being in love so strongly with him thought of never talking to him again was unbearable. I guess I try to think of it like recovering alcoholic thinks about drinking. I choose to not be in contact with him today because it's whats best for me and I can choose or not choose to do it again tomorrow. Only having to worry about today has been very beneficial for me. During the time we have been in LC, he's been so off and on and contradictory, it's actually helped me to see him and his issues more accurately. I've seen a side of him that I would never be able to tolerate in a full time, committed relationship. I'm not left with the sad feeling of "what if" and "if only".

 

You said both of you are supposed to be attending a conference together and that you were sad because you had pulled the plug now. I hope you get over the sadness. You can wait for this event or that event for a long, long time and all of that waiting is time you could be spending doing what you really want to do with the rest of your life.

 

Hi SVC, those are very much my thoughts on NC. I dont want to demonize him, nor do I want to idolize him. I am only coming to realise that he is not as confident as he seems.. Remember one thing though, your MM is probably getting mixed signals of you, so you may not be getting a clear picture of who he is. I also realise you can never really know who someone is, only your perception of them, so as that perception changes, so too do they seem to.

 

I am going to work out who I am, in the greater scheme of my life (a long overdue prosess), and I think that will go a long way to resolving he and I, one way or another. This is something we have talked about.

 

As i mentioned I have decided to go to the conferrance, I was invited months ago, and he has only recentely decided to go.

 

It is in 2 months, so I will use that time to get my head together.

 

To take your advise, I am not waiting for an event to happen with him anymore..actually I'm not sure I ever did? This is all very much food for thought for me,the differant advise and experianses of everyone is really making me think, and not just react.. I'm glad I broke my usual reticance and posted here. Thanks everyone.:)

[Kitsune77]

You have just made me realise that he actually did move heaven and earth in his private and work life to be with me for those 2 days.

 

He had to take on a huge project that is happening at the conference (to justify going) which will add to all his current massive amount of work, then have to rearrange meetings, organise colleagues to take over management and contracts whilst away ,etc then once he does all that, I say its over...ahh, the fickleness of women:D

 

In 3 years time this man did not even make the sacrifice to try to spend a weekend with you. 3 years and you never even spent two days in a row together? Thank the dear lord you ended it. My goodness. Take this man off his pedestal and look at him for the the cakeeater he is. Go no contact. It is the only way to heal.

 

This is not to be cruel but a man like this who is not leaving and did not even make the time for two days of alone time with you will have a new ow. He got too close to you. It scared him. He will have someone new. Do not give this man the satisfaction of your friendship. He does not deserve it. Hell be, I'd be flirting up in other mens (single mens) faces in front of him.

[fooled once]

I am not really sure what you are wanting from posting or if you are needing advice/support.

 

So I will just say I hope you find peace and happiness.

[Kitsune77]

Hi Fooled once,

 

I supose I am using the forum as a sounding board to clear my head. It helps to gain others perspectives, even if I don't nessesarily agree with them.

 

I know what needs to be done. I am tired of lying, at the end of the day.

Thanks for the well wishes:)

 

I am not really sure what you are wanting from posting or if you are needing advice/support.

 

So I will just say I hope you find peace and happiness.

[StoneCold]

hmmm

 

Well at least you cut it before things went too far emotionally....things tend to spin out of control and people tend to get unglued when the emotions are high.

 

This is why for me personally....as an MM.... FWB is best. Eventhough I'd be very surprised if my marriage lasted past the next two years the last thing I need is to jump right into another full blown relationship; I'll always take a new friend (hence the F in FWB) but a "girl friend" is too taxing on me at this point in my life (its nothing personal against her) and I need to make sure she is crystal clear on this.

 

With FWB, there will never be any of "those" types of emotional attachments (well theoretically anyways; but this is most often the case). An FWB understands and respects the situation yet at the same time doesnt feel like " a piece of meat" as we are bonafide friends. She can call on me like she would call on any other friend for whatever (just use your head)...we like eachother (well thats why we are friends)...maybe even admire things about eachother...she can ask me for friendly advice...I can do the same...but we happen to have sex.

 

Its a page in your life story Fox ....turn the page but dont forget what you read

[Kitsune77]

Hi SC , your the only person who has picked up what my name means:) it's also my nickname in RL.

Yes, FWB is something I understand, and have had in the past. MM seemed to take it one step further from the get go, emailing multiple times a day, lots of I love yous . I regarded him as a FWB up until the last 6 months.. That's why it went pear shaped, I think.

 

QUOTE=StoneCold;3653402]hmmm

 

Well at least you cut it before things went too far emotionally....things tend to spin out of control and people tend to get unglued when the emotions are high.

 

This is why for me personally....as an MM.... FWB is best. Eventhough I'd be very surprised if my marriage lasted past the next two years the last thing I need is to jump right into another full blown relationship; I'll always take a new friend (hence the F in FWB) but a "girl friend" is too taxing on me at this point in my life (its nothing personal against her) and I need to make sure she is crystal clear on this.

 

With FWB, there will never be any of "those" types of emotional attachments (well theoretically anyways; but this is most often the case). An FWB understands and respects the situation yet at the same time doesnt feel like " a piece of meat" as we are bonafide friends. She can call on me like she would call on any other friend for whatever (just use your head)...we like eachother (well thats why we are friends)...maybe even admire things about eachother...she can ask me for friendly advice...I can do the same...but we happen to have sex.

 

Its a page in your life story Fox ....turn the page but dont forget what you read

[spice4life]

hmmm

 

Well at least you cut it before things went too far emotionally....things tend to spin out of control and people tend to get unglued when the emotions are high.

 

This is why for me personally....as an MM.... FWB is best. Eventhough I'd be very surprised if my marriage lasted past the next two years the last thing I need is to jump right into another full blown relationship; I'll always take a new friend (hence the F in FWB) but a "girl friend" is too taxing on me at this point in my life (its nothing personal against her) and I need to make sure she is crystal clear on this.

 

With FWB, there will never be any of "those" types of emotional attachments (well theoretically anyways; but this is most often the case). An FWB understands and respects the situation yet at the same time doesnt feel like " a piece of meat" as we are bonafide friends. She can call on me like she would call on any other friend for whatever (just use your head)...we like eachother (well thats why we are friends)...maybe even admire things about eachother...she can ask me for friendly advice...I can do the same...but we happen to have sex.

 

Its a page in your life story Fox ....turn the page but dont forget what you read

 

Lol! This is the most positive spin I have read on cake eating so far. Sorry dude, there is no such thing as FWB when you are married. You are nothing more than a typical cake eating man. Seriously, call it what it is. I'm sure your FWB would be delighted to know that she is expendable as a friend once you are free and clear to go get what you really want. That is not a friendship...that is, "you are just my okay for now person." In reality, you are manipulating her into believing that you do truely care by faking being her friend. The only reason you do is to obtain your real goal...sex! Friends do not manipulate and that is all you are doing.

 

FWB only apply when the two of you can be friends for real out in the open.

[waytogo]

Lol! This is the most positive spin I have read on cake eating so far. Sorry dude, there is no such thing as FWB when you are married. You are nothing more than a typical cake eating man. Seriously, call it what it is. I'm sure your FWB would be delighted to know that she is expendable as a friend once you are free and clear to go get what you really want. That is not a friendship...that is, "you are just my okay for now person." In reality, you are manipulating her into believing that you do truely care by faking being her friend. The only reason you do is to obtain your real goal...sex! Friends do not manipulate and that is all you are doing.

 

FWB only apply when the two of you can be friends for real out in the open.

 

WHOA Spice! For every thought I had when reading that post, you nailed it!

So many even 2 single people start something with a FWB idea. I can't say it never worked but don't know of 1 case it did. 1 the other or both...always ends up with complications.

[spice4life]

WHOA Spice! For every thought I had when reading that post, you nailed it!

So many even 2 single people start something with a FWB idea. I can't say it never worked but don't know of 1 case it did. 1 the other or both...always ends up with complications.

 

I completely agree! They are both full of complications. I actually would find the fwb designation insulting. The dynamics are the same whether one person is married or they are both single...

[StoneCold]

Lol! This is the most positive spin I have read on cake eating so far. Sorry dude, there is no such thing as FWB when you are married. You are nothing more than a typical cake eating man. Seriously, call it what it is. I'm sure your FWB would be delighted to know that she is expendable as a friend once you are free and clear to go get what you really want. That is not a friendship...that is, "you are just my okay for now person." In reality, you are manipulating her into believing that you do truely care by faking being her friend. The only reason you do is to obtain your real goal...sex! Friends do not manipulate and that is all you are doing.

 

FWB only apply when the two of you can be friends for real out in the open.

 

 

LMAO...

 

Well you call it "cake eating"; which is merely just a matter of opinion... I call it FWB...and its very real..married or not.

 

Also...what on earth qualifies you to make conclsuions about someone you dont know and a friendship you are not a part of? Thats silly.

 

Spare me you're "conclusions"" and pre-conceptions based on YOUR experiences...they have nothing to do with and are of zero relevance to me and my relationships thank you very much

Edited October 4, 2011 by StoneCold

[spice4life]

LMAO...

 

Well you call it "cake eating"; which is merely just a matter of opinion... I call it FWB...and its very real..married or not.

 

Also...what on earth qualifies you to make conclsuions about someone you dont know and a friendship you are not a part of? Thats silly.

 

Spare me you're "conclusions"" and pre-conceptions based on YOUR experiences...they have nothing to do with and are of zero relevance to me and my relationships thank you very much

 

No problem, you are right, my opinion. But, you are wrong, not my situation. Best of luck with your fwb.

[StoneCold]

But, you are wrong, not my situation. .

 

When I made referrence to your experiences...that doesnt necessarily mean its your situation....your experience may also include what you take in and witness of others; part of how opinions are formulated....

[spice4life]

When I made referrence to your experiences...that doesnt necessarily mean its your situation....your experience may also include what you take in and witness of others; part of how opinions are formulated....

 

I see your point, but again, not the case with me. I'm intuitive enough and can formulate my own opinions based on how a situation is presented and I might see something the person isn't and vice versa. Doesn't mean I'm interjecting preconceived notions. For instance, maybe the person making such a request doesn't realize how manipulating it sounds. Meaning, it is just another way to justify their OWN situation and they aren't really "seeing" the potential effect on the other person. They want what they want and this is their answer to solving what "they" preceive as the problem so they can continue to have it their way. We will just have to agree to disagree.

 

Anyway, best of luck to you.