Mme. Chaucer Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 There exists a middle realm of reasonableness between worrying and discussing every detail unto death, and "we have a sacred love that cannot be comprehended by others." Just saying.
ChangeWeedLaws Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 I promised myself I'd try to post less until we meet, but I could use some advice on this. My boyfriend has a really forceful personality. He's intense, somewhat demanding, direct, driven and aggressive. Usually I lead in relationships so I'm not used to this. But I've always wanted someone who is slightly more dominant. And even though I'm more attracted to him because of his forcefulness, sometimes it makes me feel bad about myself, like my personality is being slowly crushed beneath the weight of his. I think I just need to learn to hold my own more. Tonight we were having a conversation where he was he was really forceful (though not mean) in giving me advice. Like this is what you should do TC and this. He directs me a lot. By the end of it I almost felt on the verge of tears, which is silly. I don't want to paint him negatively. I love him and there's nothing wrong with how he is. He doesn't mistreat me. He's never mean. I feel like it's all me. I need to find a better way of regulating my emotions and self esteem. I feel this odd mixture of emotions when he gets like this -- aroused, protected but also insecure. Wow, that makes me sound like a masochist. I'm not a doormat with him. On the surface I hold my own, and he seems to think I'm really assertive, but deep down I feel like he's taking the lead. Does anyone who has been with a more dominant partner have advice? You haven't met your boyfriend? WTf?
sunshinegirl Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 There exists a middle realm of reasonableness between worrying and discussing every detail unto death, and "we have a sacred love that cannot be comprehended by others." Just saying. Your voice of reasonableness is going unheeded by TC. Then again, so are the voices of concern.
country_gurl Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 TC mentioned that she's seen his sister's FB page and that she's seen a pic on her page of both sis and her BF. If I was TC, I'd be looking through the sister's friend list to see if BF has a FB page; perhaps he has a page in which he goes by a nickname or uses his middle name as his first name. I'd also be looking to see if the pic of BF + sister shows him as being tagged (leading to his own FB page).
Author torn_curtain Posted September 27, 2011 Author Posted September 27, 2011 There exists a middle realm of reasonableness between worrying and discussing every detail unto death, and "we have a sacred love that cannot be comprehended by others." Just saying. I think I've heeded a lot of the concerns on here and I am being cautious. I'm aware of his flaws (as I know them now), and that there's a lot more to learn about him in the flesh. Right now I feel like I'm hitting that middle ground pretty well. I just don't see the use in indulging in trashing him, constant doubting or assuming the worst? I'd be lying if I said I didn't love him. I do, and I won't let anyone cheapen that, whether or not they understand.
Author torn_curtain Posted September 27, 2011 Author Posted September 27, 2011 I'm not saying he needs it to advertise, but it's a social medium that MOST people have, and dare I say 99% of people his age have. The fact that he doesn't care to have a FB (which would be a means to verify not only his identity but also to see how he interacts with others) and you've never met him yet make all these delcarations of who is is and that you LOVE him is very worrisome. IMO, the only people I know in their 20's and early 30's who don't have FBs are people who have something to hide. I know a number of totally normal people in their 20s/30s who don't have facebook simply because they don't believe in/dislike facebook on principle. He's like that. He's very private and finds it invasive. I don't agree with him but I can also understand where he's coming from.
ChangeWeedLaws Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 I know a number of totally normal people in their 20s/30s who don't have facebook simply because they don't believe in/dislike facebook on principle. He's like that. He's very private and finds it invasive. I don't agree with him but I can also understand where he's coming from. Or he has no friends... You guys are too old for online relationships. Any age over 12 is too old for an online relationship. You both sound purty desperate.
Nexus One Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 (edited) I'm not saying he needs it to advertise, but it's a social medium that MOST people have, and dare I say 99% of people his age have. The fact that he doesn't care to have a FB (which would be a means to verify not only his identity but also to see how he interacts with others) and you've never met him yet make all these delcarations of who is is and that you LOVE him is very worrisome. IMO, the only people I know in their 20's and early 30's who don't have FBs are people who have something to hide. I'm 29 and I don't have a Facebook account either. Is that considered a red flag or something? I have seen some Facebook pages on other people's computers, but the conversations weren't exactly revealing of how they interact with others. The conversations were very short, single sentences mostly and very generic. Things like "I'm at the airport now!". And who's to say you can't create a fake account? I don't think you need to provide an ID to create an account. Edited September 27, 2011 by Nexus One
Pierre Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 I don't have a Facebook account either. Is that considered a red flag or something? It is ok. I think the issue is that the op has no single way of verifying who is this guy. Furthermore, she is in love even though she never saw him in person. OP keeps rationalizing that the guy is OK because she feels he must be ok. He is coming over for four days and then will be gone for six months to take care of his wife and children in his home country. OP believes everything the man says and seems to ignore red flags. But, the flags are moot. The entire plan is lunacy. This is hard reading.
Author torn_curtain Posted September 27, 2011 Author Posted September 27, 2011 (edited) Btw, for the record he does technically have a fb that he's had disabled for several years. He reenabled it briefly a few weeks ago so we could play a game on facebook together. He had friends on it but it was obviously an account he never used because there were no photos and the wall was disabled. Then he disabled the account again when we finished playing the game. He showed me a family photo with him and his sister and it's the same girl with the facebook account (same face). They have the same last name, her info on her page all fits what he's told me about her and him (the school she went to, her age, the town she's from, her job, where she now lives). There's also a video he showed me online where he is acting in a short sketch with a few of his friends, and he seems totally normal in his interactions with them. Edited September 27, 2011 by torn_curtain
Author torn_curtain Posted September 27, 2011 Author Posted September 27, 2011 He is coming over for four days and then will be gone for six months to take care of his wife and children in his home country. Lol. He lives in the US like I do, just on the opposite coast.
country_gurl Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 Btw, for the record he does technically have a fb that he's had disabled for several years. He reenabled it briefly a few weeks ago so we could play a game on facebook together. He had friends on it but it was obviously an account he never used because there were no photos and the wall was disabled. Then he disabled the account again when we finished playing the game. 1. No photos may only mean that his settings are such that you don't have permission (based on his privacy settings) to view them. 2. His wall being disabled is weird, too. Why would someone have a FB page but have their wall disabled? What's the point of having FB then? And again, it could simply be that he has his setting such that you have been prevented from viewing his wall. I have people on my friends list who are business contacts or very very distance acquaintances and I purposely tweaked my privacy settings so that they can't view my photos/albums or read my wall posts/status updates. A FB user can totally customize what any/every person on their friend list has access to. Seems kind of odd to me that the game you were playing was a game that could only be played via FB.
country_gurl Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 Btw, for the record he does technically have a fb that he's had disabled for several years. He reenabled it briefly a few weeks ago so we could play a game on facebook together. He had friends on it but it was obviously an account he never used because there were no photos and the wall was disabled. Then he disabled the account again when we finished playing the game. 1. No photos may only mean that his settings are such that you don't have permission (based on his privacy settings) to view them. 2. His wall being disabled is weird, too. Why would someone have a FB page but have their wall disabled? What's the point of having FB then? And again, it could simply be that he has his setting such that you have been prevented from viewing his wall. I have people on my friends list who are business contacts or very very distance acquaintances and I purposely tweaked my privacy settings so that they can't view my photos/albums or read my wall posts/status updates. A FB user can totally customize what any/every person on their friend list has access to. Seems kind of odd to me that the game you were playing was a game that could only be played via FB....if FB isn't even something that he's used "for years."
Nexus One Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 (edited) I'm not going to jump on the fear bandwagon that says that TC should cut ties with the guy before they even meet, besides they'll be meeting in a public place first. People need to be given a chance to be able to establish compatibility. Meeting in person and interacting for a prolonged period of time can do that. (4 days is short though) Give the guy a chance and if it doesn't work out, well then it doesn't. On to the next, right? What's with all the fear mongering anyways? Edited September 27, 2011 by Nexus One
country_gurl Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 I'm not going to jump on the fear bandwagon that says that TC should cut ties with the guy before they even met, besides they'll be meeting in a public place first. People need to be given a chance to be able to establish compatibility. Meeting in person and interacting for a prolonged period of time can do that. (4 days is short though) Give the guy a chance and if it doesn't work out, well then it doesn't. On to the next, right? What's with all the fear mongering anyways? I think the unfortunate and concerning thing here is that she has already invested a heckuva lot into this "relationship" (for several months now), to the point where she feels that she's in love with him. I fear that even if she meets him and he turns out to be a real tool, it will be too late because she's already hooked and it's so much easier for someone to disregard/overlook blatant red flags when they're "in love" and therefore not very objective about things. I think this is all very much amplified when one has spent many months growing closer and closer to someone on the other end of the computer, it almost becomes an addiction, their life is already so focused around this person before they've even met them. Plus 4 days together is hardly enough time to really get to know someone "in person" well enough. 4 days is just a mini-vacation where there will be so much excitement and emotions and feelings running high such that they can very much cloud her judgment. To top it off, the guy doesn't exactly have a decent relationship track record. But whatever, I guess it will be what it will be.
Author torn_curtain Posted September 27, 2011 Author Posted September 27, 2011 Seems kind of odd to me that the game you were playing was a game that could only be played via FB....if FB isn't even something that he's used "for years." Playing the game was my idea. I roped him into reenabling his account to play with me.
bittersweet memories Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 Btw, for the record he does technically have a fb that he's had disabled for several years. He reenabled it briefly a few weeks ago so we could play a game on facebook together. He had friends on it but it was obviously an account he never used because there were no photos and the wall was disabled. Then he disabled the account again when we finished playing the game. He showed me a family photo with him and his sister and it's the same girl with the facebook account (same face). They have the same last name, her info on her page all fits what he's told me about her and him (the school she went to, her age, the town she's from, her job, where she now lives). There's also a video he showed me online where he is acting in a short sketch with a few of his friends, and he seems totally normal in his interactions with them... hmmm..the wall was disabled.... I do that when I don't want certain friends knowing my business. I block them from viewing my wall.
Author torn_curtain Posted September 27, 2011 Author Posted September 27, 2011 .. hmmm..the wall was disabled.... I do that when I don't want certain friends knowing my business. I block them from viewing my wall. Well to be honest I'm not sure if it was disabled or just empty. There were just no posts on it, which makes sense since it looked like he had just added a few business contacts from the production company where he was working at the time (not close friends) and then abandoned the page.
Nexus One Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 To top it off, the guy doesn't exactly have a decent relationship track record. Everyone starts out without a track record. Some later than others. Doesn't have to be a red flag. I'm all for noticing red flags, but sometimes it gets taken so far that two people don't even get to have a decent chance to establish compatibility. I've seen people suggesting so many ridiculous red flags here on LS, I really don't think every minor little thing should immediately be a deal breaker or relationship breaker. We know jack sh*t about the guy. Some of the people here know TC better than I do, so I don't have a clear picture of her history and how she deals with things. But regarding the guy, we know very little, too little to judge, yet everyone already has their judgement ready. I'm not saying that this relationship will work out, I'm saying we know too little to make a balanced judgement. It's easy to dismiss people on the smallest of things.
Star Gazer Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 And who's to say you can't create a fake account? I don't think you need to provide an ID to create an account. No, but it's pretty hard to come up with a completely identity if you have 100+ friends that you're chatting with regularly on your wall (such that it's obvious that plenty of people know you IRL and like you), updating new photos, checking in, etc. I think you can tell a lot about a person based on how they conduct themselves on FB. I'm FB friends with a handful of LSers, and their FB life mimics their LS life, which makes them all the more authentic and genuine. I also have FB friends (IRL) who have their wall disabled, and I'm not surprised, as they're the shadiest of the bunch.
Professor X Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 He said he feels like the way we connect is so specific that it might even be hard for most people to relate to, which he expects, but at the end of the day if we're happy together that's what matters more than what anyone else thinks of our relationship. What other people think about it doesn't matter. So in essence what he said is: "It's not us that's crazy, it's everyone else". Clever? Nah. Works on ya? Yes, cause the 2 of you got the seeds of elitist person. You think you're so intellectual and what not, but the truth is, you're going through something others have before you and others will after you and there's nothing special about it. I think most people here go a bit haywire about the whole FB nonsense, but whatever, their point is solid because they speak of the fact that you don't know him. Period. You think so dearly that your RS and love is perfect. But it's not. It can't be. You've been to enough RS in the past to know that no RS can ever be perfect (I assume you have, yes?). The only reason you do think it's perfect is because it's not real, it's a fantasy. And as such, keeps things in perspective as much as you can.
Els Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 "He said he feels like the way we connect is so specific that it might even be hard for most people to relate to, which he expects, but at the end of the day if we're happy together that's what matters more than what anyone else thinks of our relationship. What other people think about it doesn't matter." I think what he said, T_C, is actually true in principle. Every relationship is different. There is no cookie-cutter mold that works for everyone. That does not necessarily mean that his actions and words are otherwise justified. Because evidently you feel something is wrong with them (they make you feel down about yourself, in your OP). This does not equate to 'both partners being happy'. I'm not saying you should immediately leave him or anything like that, but I would firstly ask myself why I feel down when he is giving advice, and what he can do to prevent me from feeling like that. There may not necessarily be anything wrong with him being the dominant one, but there may be something wrong with how he is doing it. I'm sorry if this came up earlier, but I've only really read page 1 and 9 of your thread, not having had the time to read more. :/
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 No, but it's pretty hard to come up with a completely identity if you have 100+ friends that you're chatting with regularly on your wall (such that it's obvious that plenty of people know you IRL and like you), updating new photos, checking in, etc. I think you can tell a lot about a person based on how they conduct themselves on FB. I'm FB friends with a handful of LSers, and their FB life mimics their LS life, which makes them all the more authentic and genuine. I also have FB friends (IRL) who have their wall disabled, and I'm not surprised, as they're the shadiest of the bunch. Ha! My FB profile is extremely detailed and open. I have tons of pictures that I update regularly (i.e. every week) with tons of friends in them and regular interaction via statuses and comments. I also check in all the time with other people. Yet, you probably think that I am weird and sketchy based on my LS persona..... I don't think FB tells you much at all or that absence of FB page is strange in any way.
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 Also, what TC's boyfriend said about them having the special connection doesn't strike me as strange. My bf said pretty much the same thing. When he found out that I post, he got upset that I would share that much private information with strangers over the internet. He said something like "I want to have a relationship with YOU, not with members of an internet forum." He also said that there are different perspectives and so many nuances to our interactions, that it's hard to present information correctly, especially due to our own emotional biases. That can make advice we receive misleading. It's also easy to take someone's "fault" out of context and magnify it, discounting all the positives.
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