being with someone more dominant

[sunshinegirl]

Maybe I'm just ridiculously trusting but I feel certain he's not a nut job. I've spoken to him for months on video chat and I feel like I'd be able to pick that up at this point. Am I crazy for thinking this?

 

We're meeting in public first btw.

 

In short, yes. I hope this doesn't come across badly, but in addition to you saying you are attracted to dominant guys, you seem vulnerable to them. Which means you extend trust before they've earned it and you doubt yourself before you doubt them or their motives.

 

For that reason, I think it's crazy to completely discount the possibility that you are being taken for a grand ride. I'm not saying you're definitely going to end up in a ditch somewhere, but I AM saying that there is that possibility. And there is very little downside to protecting yourself with things like I've suggested, and HUGE potential upside to doing so in case he IS that crazy guy.

 

You didn't answer my question about whether you know anyone in real life who knows him and can vouch for him?

 

How do you KNOW he is who he says he is? Think like a journalist: they fact-check; they don't just take their source's word for it.

[country_gurl]

Maybe I'm just ridiculously trusting but I feel certain he's not a nut job. I've spoken to him for months on video chat and I feel like I'd be able to pick that up at this point. Am I crazy for thinking this?

 

We're meeting in public first btw.

 

Just curious, does he have a Facebook page? If so, are you on his friend list? I ask this only for the reason that you can tell a fair about someone from their FB page, I feel. Eg: do they portray themselves much differently on their wall and responses to friends than they do to you? etc. Do they claim they don't have a FB page but they actually do? Do they give you some excuse as to why they don't want to add you to their friend list? (something to hide).

 

Have you ever Googled his name? Does he use a somewhat unique online username in forums he might participate in? If so, have you tried Googling it?

 

Have you ever asked him if he's got any criminal history or issues with the law?

 

How does he claim he gets along with parents/siblings?

 

Does he speak of having any good/close friends?

 

What has he ever said his relationship with his mother is like? (assuming she's around)

[torn_curtain]

TC, my last serious relationship was with a guy nearly 5 years younger than me.

 

I soon learned that it was pointless to share with him, any concern in life that I had (whether it was with my job, my family, a coworker, my home, etc) because he would always use it as an opportunity to brag about himself. He never tried to really offer me support, it was always just an opportunity to let me know that he could do it better/faster/smarter/etc. Everything was a competition with him. He loved to "show me up." In turn, I slowly started to feel inferior to him. He was never the 'best friend' I could turn to (that you would expect from a boyfriend) for support or help or advice which was ironic considering he was a self-proclaimed expert on every subject/matter/task.

 

He was often subtle in putting me down, often using sarcastic humor as the vehicle in which to deliver it....and if I'd assert myself and tell him that what he said was rude he'd twist it around and just accuse me of being "too sensitive" or having "no sense of humor."

 

It took me a while to realize a few things about him. One was that he was very narcissistic. Another was that deep down he was very insecure and it made him feel better and more powerful to knock me down emotionally/psychologically.

 

Lastly, I feel that he was intimidated by the fact that he was younger than me and I think he always had this need to "prove to me" that although he was younger, he was smarter. He used to always make a lot of cheap shots to me about my age/being older which I never understood because he was the one who pursued me when we first met and he knew I was older from the start.

 

I think your guy was worse, and I'm still hoping what happened tonight was just an isolated thing, but what you wrote about him claiming you were being overly sensitive is exactly what happened tonight. He said something that was a definite slight and when I called him on it he immediately shut me down. He told me he was annoyed by my reaction, and he said that when I told him I was annoyed by his remark he felt like I was taking ownership of the right to be annoyed (hence his "I don't care?" in response).

 

I don't know what to think. I feel like I'm checking out but I'm still too attached to him to do anything about it, and I still want to meet him in person. So I'm just feeling vague, uncertain and sad.

 

I think I will just spend less time talking to him for now and focus on other things. There's not much I can do in the mean time.

[torn_curtain]

Just curious, does he have a Facebook page? If so, are you on his friend list? I ask this only for the reason that you can tell a fair about someone from their FB page, I feel. Eg: do they portray themselves much differently on their wall and responses to friends than they do to you? etc. Do they claim they don't have a FB page but they actually do? Do they give you some excuse as to why they don't want to add you to their friend list? (something to hide).

 

He doesn't have a facebook.

 

Have you ever Googled his name? Does he use a somewhat unique online username in forums he might participate in? If so, have you tried Googling it?

 

Yeah, but there's nothing alarming about him online.

 

Have you ever asked him if he's got any criminal history or issues with the law?

 

He had a DUI when he was a late adolescent for being slightly intoxicated and had his license revoked for a year. That's it.

 

How does he claim he gets along with parents/siblings?

 

He's not especially close to them but not exactly distant either. He has a trouble relationship with his parents. His father is a narcissist while his mother is passive and has extremely low self esteem. When he was growing up she over relied on him for emotional support when she had fights with his father but he still cares strongly about her. He doesn't like his father.

 

Does he speak of having any good/close friends?

 

All of his best friends have moved or drifted away. He has one close friend that he's had since childhood but he claims the guy is a sociopath. He says the friend isn't evil, but he's just emotionless and has no shame about using people to meet his needs. My boyfriend is disturbed by this but he hasn't broken off the friendship.

 

What has he ever said his relationship with his mother is like? (assuming she's around)

 

See above.

Edited September 26, 2011 by torn_curtain

[torn_curtain]

You didn't answer my question about whether you know anyone in real life who knows him and can vouch for him?

 

Unfortunately, no I don't. He lives thousands of miles away.

 

How do you KNOW he is who he says he is? Think like a journalist: they fact-check; they don't just take their source's word for it.

 

Well everything he's told me factually fits with what is online. I suppose that doesn't mean much. I mean I found his sister's facebook (which was sort of tricky to do) and she looks exactly like the family photo he showed me of her in which he also appears.

[country_gurl]

His father is a narcissist while his mother is passive and has extremely low self esteem.

 

Interesting, about his father. That would have been his primary male role model growing up and as such that's where he'd have really "learned" how to treat women. As his mother was passive and with low self-esteem, I wonder if he expects women to be this way?

 

 

He has one close friend that he's had since childhood but he claims the guy is a sociopath. He says the friend isn't evil, but he's just emotionless and has no shame about using people to meet his needs.

That's also interesting.

[Eternal Sunshine]

TC, from what you have shared about him, I don't think he is a complete nut job but I think there are some yellow/red flags now. I would still go forward with the meeting and decide from there. Perhaps he is getting anxious about the meeting and some of his commitment phobia/emotional unavailability is kicking in so he is self-sabotaging to keep distance.

 

Can you e-mail me the date and time of your meeting so that I can at least check that you are OK? Doesn't hurt to be cautious.

[ChessPieceFace]

Does anyone who has been with a more dominant partner have advice?

 

I've never been with anyone, but I've been attracted to dominant girls. The one girl who I was desperately in love with, was really very dominating and aggressive. She showed some interest in me but it quickly faded due to my TOTAL lack of social skills at the time (now it's just a general lack of social skills...)

 

She's married now, been married for years. I got over it (99% over it anyway.)

 

Anyway, to the advice part, for whatever it's worth: sometimes I think back to what it might have been like with her. And even though a small, irrational part of my heart still longs for the love I felt for her -- I'm incredibly glad she rejected me. I think life with her would have been an absolute nightmare.

 

Of course, she was also manic depressive and sociopathic, in addition to being aggressive and dominant. That might often go hand in hand though.

[Emilia]

He lives thousands of miles away.

 

 

Does he live in the States? Is he of the same culture as you?

[Kamille]

I think your guy was worse, and I'm still hoping what happened tonight was just an isolated thing, but what you wrote about him claiming you were being overly sensitive is exactly what happened tonight. He said something that was a definite slight and when I called him on it he immediately shut me down. He told me he was annoyed by my reaction, and he said that when I told him I was annoyed by his remark he felt like I was taking ownership of the right to be annoyed (hence his "I don't care?" in response).

 

 

Honestly, he reminds me of the Chef TC. Whenever I would speak up for myself, he would immediately shut me down.

 

And what does "taking ownership of the right to be annoyed" mean anyway? Is he thereby "taking ownership of the right to be insensitive"?

 

Thread carefully. Incidents such as these are rarely isolated. Not to mention, this isn't the first time he pulled the rug out from under you (the "did you f him" fight).

 

Your new guy sounds self-centered.

 

As to SSG's comments. I'm not sure what the details of your plans are, but it could be a good idea to plan for alternative accommodations for whoever is doing the traveling: a hostel for instance.

Edited September 26, 2011 by Kamille

[xxoo]

Thanks for the input, SG. Yeah, tonight I'm feeling a lot of doubts, especially after this argument we had. I don't know what's going on, because things between us were so smooth and then all of a sudden the tone changed.

 

The tone changed when you stood up for yourself. Things were smooth as long as you held back your true feelings to keep the peace, or to keep his "respect" (in quotes because it isn't truly respect).

[Mme. Chaucer]

For the record, I think you are asking HIM to "walk on eggshells" if you ask a question like: "Was blah blah difficult for you to learn" and then get upset when his answer was "No, I learned immediately, and people even commented" (paraphrased). i can't address his intention, but his answer was perfectly in line with the question.

 

Okay, I'm returning to my original mantra, while acknowledging that in this thread I have participated in exactly what I am now speaking against:

 

TRY AS HARD AS YOU CAN TO STOP MOVING FORWARD WITH THIS RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW.

 

AND, TO STOP TRYING TO ANALYZE IT / HIM.

 

When I say "stop moving forward," I do not mean to abort. I mean, (given that I think you've gone way too far, too fast for online) try to stay in the current status quo until you start being able to conduct the relationship in person.

 

You have already gone into the "in love" phase, so there is no backtracking to before that.

 

Since you both think a lot of each other and have projects, and intellectual compatibility galore, you should be able to keep up your bond and have mutually stimulating contact without planning your futures, etc.

 

For the record, I have no fear whatsoever that the guy is going to murder you.

 

I do have concerns that the very traits (in both of you) that allow for this intense online relationship might be the same ones that make a healthy and functional real relationship difficult, or worse. But since you are completely invested, and chose that, please just settle down and let things unfold.

[FrustratedStandards]

My ex was very dominant. Personally, I like it when my man is dominant. I have no problem taking the back seat, because I feel taken care of. I feel like I have a MAN who knows what he's doing.

 

I don't think dominance is the problem here. I think you feel irrelevant because he doesn't consider your opinions. "My way or the highway". But that's not dominance, that's something else.

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

 

I don't think dominance is the problem here. I think you feel irrelevant because he doesn't consider your opinions. "My way or the highway". But that's not dominance, that's something else.

 

That's "controlling."

[torn_curtain]

For the record, I think you are asking HIM to "walk on eggshells" if you ask a question like: "Was blah blah difficult for you to learn" and then get upset when his answer was "No, I learned immediately, and people even commented" (paraphrased). i can't address his intention, but his answer was perfectly in line with the question.

 

Okay, I'm returning to my original mantra, while acknowledging that in this thread I have participated in exactly what I am now speaking against:

 

TRY AS HARD AS YOU CAN TO STOP MOVING FORWARD WITH THIS RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW.

 

AND, TO STOP TRYING TO ANALYZE IT / HIM.

 

When I say "stop moving forward," I do not mean to abort. I mean, (given that I think you've gone way too far, too fast for online) try to stay in the current status quo until you start being able to conduct the relationship in person.

 

You have already gone into the "in love" phase, so there is no backtracking to before that.

 

Since you both think a lot of each other and have projects, and intellectual compatibility galore, you should be able to keep up your bond and have mutually stimulating contact without planning your futures, etc.

 

For the record, I have no fear whatsoever that the guy is going to murder you.

 

I do have concerns that the very traits (in both of you) that allow for this intense online relationship might be the same ones that make a healthy and functional real relationship difficult, or worse. But since you are completely invested, and chose that, please just settle down and let things unfold.

 

I think I misunderstood your earlier advice in that I thought you were suggesting I abort or backtrack.

 

I agree with the advice you've given here, though.

 

I'm feeling more collected right now.

 

Under a doctor's guidance I'm currently weaning off an antidepressant that I've been on since I was 19. This antidepressant has notoriously brutal withdrawal effects. I've been wanting to get off it for years because it wasn't doing much for me and was really blunting my emotions, but every time I've started weaning off the withdrawal is so brutal (fever, chills, night sweats, constant dizziness) that I'd stop. This time I'm determined to power through, but it's not easy.

 

My boyfriend knows this and has been very supportive throughout the process, but I know the withdrawal is impairing my judgment. I literally feel dumber right now, so it's hard for me to tell when I'm having a legitimate reaction or not.

 

I want to give this relationship a real shot, and I'm trying my best not to mess things up because I'm feeling out of sorts. I think I've done a good job of staying in control around him (while privately struggling with my inner demons), but it's possible that my stress has seeped into our interactions recently and is having a contagious effect on him...which might explain why he's suddenly being a bit more difficult.

 

Knowing myself I will be stressing out some but I'll do my best to keep it in check and just wait it out. A few weeks isn't long.

[torn_curtain]

Honestly, he reminds me of the Chef TC. Whenever I would speak up for myself, he would immediately shut me down.

 

And what does "taking ownership of the right to be annoyed" mean anyway? Is he thereby "taking ownership of the right to be insensitive"?

 

Thread carefully. Incidents such as these are rarely isolated. Not to mention, this isn't the first time he pulled the rug out from under you (the "did you f him" fight).

 

Your new guy sounds self-centered.

 

Was the chef the professor who would put himself in the position of expert while you were the student? Was he the guy who also demanded a lot of your time? I saw those threads and it did remind me of the dynamic with my boyfriend.

 

I think we have a better chance, though, because I gather you are someone who really needs your alone time. I require less space than a lot of people do. My boyfriend is somewhat demanding and likes a lot of attention but the only time it gets on my nerves is when he slips into this condescending advice giving mode. In fact, most of the time I like how involved and forceful he is because it's the opposite of what I had from my father.

 

That said I'm hoping we can find some way of nipping the overbearing advice thing in the bud before it becomes an ingrained pattern but I've decided I'm just going to avoid the topic until we meet, partly to minimize my own stress. That means I'll be setting boundaries by not sharing much of what's going on with me professionally with him in the next few weeks.

 

I still feel strongly that he has a good heart, that he cares about and loves me, and that while he has his faults (just as I do), they're not necessarily things that I can't live with or find a better strategy of coping with. He said something really sweet last night that I agreed with to the effect of, even if we get into little disagreements we're both there for each other in important ways most of the time, and that this is what being in a relationship is supposed to be like.

 

I think part of the problem is that in a relationship whenever there's a minor tiff of any sort, I immediately start to globalize and feel like the whole relationship is at stake. This is probably what causes me so much stress and why I often vacillate in my feelings. I need to stop doing that and keep myself grounded in the specifics rather than questioning everything.

Edited September 26, 2011 by torn_curtain

[torn_curtain]

I think there's something to the advice that I need to take the opinions of outsiders less seriously and keep things between me and my SO more private, unless I absolutely can't deal with something on my own. In some circumstances it's good to get outsider advice, but not for every tiny knick in a healthy relationship (which I believe ours is).

 

Last night after reading the responses in this thread I began to briefly doubt the legitimacy of our feelings since we haven't yet met and I sort of mentioned that to my boyfriend. I didn't tell him about LS but just that other people I've spoken to seem to think our bond is nuts. His response was very reasonable and made me reevaluate my need to always seek outside advice.

 

He said he feels like the way we connect is so specific that it might even be hard for most people to relate to, which he expects, but at the end of the day if we're happy together that's what matters more than what anyone else thinks of our relationship. What other people think about it doesn't matter.

 

He's right. I won't let people who consider what we have crazy cheapen my bond with him, which is sacred. I love him.

[country_gurl]

His response was very reasonable and made me reevaluate my need to always seek outside advice.

 

This of course could be construed as someone who's trying to emotionally isolate someone; cause them to feel wrong or unreasonable for sharing concerns with others (which is a human thing to do, we all do it) such that they'll feel guilty for ever questioning anything in the relationship and in turn keep their concerns "private." Reminds me somewhat of an abused woman who tells her husband that she's confided in her friends about their relationship and he brainwashes her into believing that it's a betrayal for her to divulge their 'business' to outsiders and that HE is the only one she should be sharing her concerns with (thereby trying to isolate her)....which of course is his way of trying to control things.

[Pierre]

He said he feels like the way we connect is so specific that it might even be hard for most people to relate to, which he expects, but at the end of the day if we're happy together that's what matters more than what anyone else thinks of our relationship. What other people think about it doesn't matter.

 

Wow!

 

Do you realize how cheezy and cliche that response is?

 

I think you are way to naive and needy and he knows you are looking for someone to love you.

 

The line where two lovers have discover real love that no one can understand is VERY old and mostly used by manipulators on naive women.

 

OP, this is very painful to watch.

 

Even if you meet him in person for four days you still know nothing about this man.

 

He could be married and is simply coming over to have sex with you.

 

This is truly insane and the sad thing is that you need him so badly you will follow through with this no matter what.

[Star Gazer]

He needs to be connected and understanding pop culture in his chosen field, and yet he doesn't have a FB and there's no way to verify ANYTHING he's told you about who he is. He could very well be a complete serial killer nut job. And yet, you LOVE him?

 

Good lord.

[country_gurl]

He needs to be connected and understanding pop culture in his chosen field, and yet he doesn't have a FB and there's no way to verify ANYTHING he's told you about who he is. He could very well be a complete serial killer nut job. And yet, you LOVE him?

 

Good lord.

 

Yeah, I find it hard to believe that a 25 yr old guy in his field doesn't have a FB page. A lot of seniors have a FB page, for crying out loud.

[torn_curtain]

He needs to be connected and understanding pop culture in his chosen field, and yet he doesn't have a FB and there's no way to verify ANYTHING he's told you about who he is. He could very well be a complete serial killer nut job. And yet, you LOVE him?

 

Good lord.

 

There are lots of people in the industry who don't have facebooks. I don't think that means much.

[torn_curtain]

Yeah, I find it hard to believe that a 25 yr old guy in his field doesn't have a FB page. A lot of seniors have a FB page, for crying out loud.

 

Not true. I know of very successful people in the industry who aren't on facebook. Usually only amateurs advertise their connections.

[OliveOyl]

I don't think it's nuts. You do love him... in the way that you currently know him. The feelings are real; the relationship is valid in its current space. However, you cannot necessarily extrapolate what you have now to how it will be sharing the same physical space.

 

I see it like the person is a painting, and not having met yet, you have a "torn corner" of that painting. Some paintings (people) are very homogenous (like a Jackson Pollack painting) and that torn corner is going to be exactly like the whole painting. However, for some paintings, some things in that upper left hand corner that are very different to that piece you have now. And you will only see the entirety... not just when you meet but after you've spent some time together.

 

I have known of online relationships being better, the same, or worse after being shifted to the physical realm. You just really won't know until he visits.

[Star Gazer]

Not true. I know of very successful people in the industry who aren't on facebook. Usually only amateurs advertise their connections.

 

I'm not saying he needs it to advertise, but it's a social medium that MOST people have, and dare I say 99% of people his age have. The fact that he doesn't care to have a FB (which would be a means to verify not only his identity but also to see how he interacts with others) and you've never met him yet make all these delcarations of who is is and that you LOVE him is very worrisome.

 

IMO, the only people I know in their 20's and early 30's who don't have FBs are people who have something to hide.