D-Lish Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 Yes. This is my biggest concern about him, that he can only open up to someone at a distance. I've mentioned this to him several times and he's always said I have absolutely nothing to worry about, but the truth is he doesn't know how he'll react in the future under different circumstances. I believe that he believes he wont get cold feet in person, but that doesn't mean much. Just like I'm sure my ex would never in a million years have predicted the day before he broke up with me that he'd ever not want to be with me... I'm hoping you're right. Man, it's kind of terrifying to think about what that'll be like. Well TC, I am a little older than you (as you know)- and when I am looking at dating profiles, I won't message someone back if I scroll down to "the longest relationship I've been in has been: over 1 year, under 2 years. It signals a huge red flag to me that a man in his mid thirties hasn't been in a relationship lasting over a year or 2. At 25, it's a bit of a red flag, but not as bad as a man at 35-40. I agree with Star though, I wouldn't get overly invested until you meet one another.
xxoo Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 As of now, you are planning to tailor how you speak to him about certain subjects because he might get "upset." You don't want to "rock the boat." It does sound like eggshells are being trod upon. DO NO PROCEED WITH WALKING ON EGGSHELLS! Just try to walk normally! If he can't handle it, you and he can not be a match. It will be very sad for you, but you need to behave in a fashion that is very true to yourself. Your mate needs to be able to accept this. I agree with all of this. But I'm not convinced the boyfriend is overreacting, or being controlling. If TC is hypersensitive to any "upset", and thus avoids bringing up her concerns, is that the boyfriend's fault?
D-Lish Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 If he'd come over for a month, I'd agree, otherwise, since he's coming over for only 4 days, the only thing that will happen is that they will have sex for 4 days and completely live the fantasy they both have right now. They only thing they will do in those 4 days is enhance the fantasy. In their case, they will need to spend a while together for reality to burst in and start taking over their world. Mark my words, she will come back here and say that it has been the best 4 days in her life. Well, I know this may sound CRAZY- but it might be prudent to abstain from sex the first visit. I had an online "relationship" (although we didn't call it that) for months and months before flying out to visit him... We didn't have actual sex until the last night of a 4 day visit, but he told me later down the road that he had been hoping sub-consciously that I wouldn't have submitted so easily. It seemed like a natural progression given that we'd been on skype chatting live on camera every night for months getting to know everything about one another. He was also a bit of a douche- considering he was all over me from the moment he picked me up from the airport and I refrained for 3 days. Plus- I also really liked him and we'd built a repoir. It might be prudent to spend time getting to know one another through some dating in person and not jumping into a sexual relationship upon the first meeting. What do you think TC? Would you consider that?
Author torn_curtain Posted September 26, 2011 Author Posted September 26, 2011 (edited) Well, I know this may sound CRAZY- but it might be prudent to abstain from sex the first visit. I had an online "relationship" (although we didn't call it that) for months and months before flying out to visit him... We didn't have actual sex until the last night of a 4 day visit, but he told me later down the road that he had been hoping sub-consciously that I wouldn't have submitted so easily. It seemed like a natural progression given that we'd been on skype chatting live on camera every night for months getting to know everything about one another. He was also a bit of a douche- considering he was all over me from the moment he picked me up from the airport and I refrained for 3 days. Plus- I also really liked him and we'd built a repoir. It might be prudent to spend time getting to know one another through some dating in person and not jumping into a sexual relationship upon the first meeting. What do you think TC? Would you consider that? Yeah, I've definitely considered doing that but only if either... 1) My spidey sense is going off in person 2) I get the vibe from him he'd lose respect for me if we had sex immediately. But if he were like this he's probably not someone I'd want to date anyway? I said to him the other day, "we don't have to have sex when you visit if you want to take things more slowly." His response was long the lines of: "WTF" as he laughed. And then (smiling), "Yeah, TC, it'd be real nice if we had sex." I think he'd have to be a jerk (which I really don't think he is) to judge me after saying that, and not somebody I'd want to continue to date of course. I also think it will be nearly impossible for me to refrain given how attracted I'll probably feel, especially since I won't be seeing him for another six months or so. I plan on just playing it by ear and doing whatever feels comfortable when we're together. I'm not going to jump into bed with him if it feels awkward and the emotional intimacy isn't happening first. The original plan was that he'd stay with his younger sister who lives in the city, so we were thinking the sex probably wouldn't happen on the first visit, but that fell through because she's just moving into a new place. Now he's booking a hotel room. Edited September 26, 2011 by torn_curtain
Pierre Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 You are in love with the words you read in the computer monitor. The words are very creepy and for all we know this is a man like Charles Manson. You need counseling to find out why you are doing this.
country_gurl Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 If he'd come over for a month, I'd agree, otherwise, since he's coming over for only 4 days, the only thing that will happen is that they will have sex for 4 days and completely live the fantasy they both have right now. They only thing they will do in those 4 days is enhance the fantasy. In their case, they will need to spend a while together for reality to burst in and start taking over their world. Mark my words, she will come back here and say that it has been the best 4 days in her life. I SO agree with this. I, like many, was once in an LDR and looking back I feel that it really blinded me (at the time) to many significant 'red flags' because when we'd see each other (usually for 4-5 days), it was like a vacation and everything was fun and exciting and the time together was so precious that I wouldn't have dared bring up potential issues that I'd noted. It just wasn't 'real life.' But based on the fantasy, it made us both think that we were soul mates and should take things to the next level (one of us relocating and us living together)......so I moved and we lived together and it was a disaster because then it was 'real life' and the 'vacation' was over and I realized he was a closet alcoholic, controlling, psychologically and emotionally abusive, lazy and he didn't pull his weight. And in my case, we'd only initially gotten to know each other by phone/email for a much shorter period of time (prior to meeting in person) than TC and her guy.
Pierre Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 How could the op consider sleeping with a man she has never seen person? Why is op overlooking the red flags? Seriously, this guy could be a Ted Bundy. This thread is hard to read.
country_gurl Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 Well TC, I am a little older than you (as you know)- and when I am looking at dating profiles, I won't message someone back if I scroll down to "the longest relationship I've been in has been: over 1 year, under 2 years. It signals a huge red flag to me that a man in his mid thirties hasn't been in a relationship lasting over a year or 2. At 25, it's a bit of a red flag, but not as bad as a man at 35-40. I agree with Star though, I wouldn't get overly invested until you meet one another. I totally agree with you, I look at that info on a profile, too...and I also steer clear of any guy in his late 30s to mid 40s who admits to such a short relationship history. In TC's case part of the concern that I have is the fact that this guy has no significant relationship experience and it doesn't maybe sound like he's treated past girls/women all that well. Perhaps he thinks that things with TC are "different" than with past women but maybe the only thing that's really different is the fact that there relationship is an LDR and words on a screen/phone. To really get to know someone and know that there is real mutual love there, I really believe you need to start things off by spending real-time together, in person.....to learn their quirks/idiosyncrasies, how they treat others, their overall attitude, their ability to compromise and handle conflict, their level of affection, how they interact with their friends, etc.
FitChick Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 You are in love with the words you read in the computer monitor. The words are very creepy and for all we know this is a man like Charles Manson. What? They've never even spoken on the phone? I haven't followed this soap opera/fantasy. It's silly to get so tied up in knots then. They both sound so insecure and volatile that I can almost predict one or the other will misread an email one day and call the whole thing off. It's been known to happen. The fact that both deal with fantasy in their studies and work makes it even more possible than, say, two accountants.
Author torn_curtain Posted September 26, 2011 Author Posted September 26, 2011 maybe I'm just in a bad mood but a lot of things he's saying the last couple of days are getting me down. Tonight I mentioned to him that I was having some difficulty mastering a specific skill that is totally new to me. Since he has more experience with it I asked him if it took him a little while when he first started to get the hang of it. His response was: "No, I was immediately good at it. Other people even told me." I'm probably just being touchy but that struck me as a little insensitive.
Author torn_curtain Posted September 26, 2011 Author Posted September 26, 2011 What? They've never even spoken on the phone? I haven't followed this soap opera/fantasy. It's silly to get so tied up in knots then. They both sound so insecure and volatile that I can almost predict one or the other will misread an email one day and call the whole thing off. It's been known to happen. The fact that both deal with fantasy in their studies and work makes it even more possible than, say, two accountants. Of course we have! Most of our conversations are through video chat/phone.
Pierre Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 What? They've never even spoken on the phone? I haven't followed this soap opera/fantasy. It's silly to get so tied up in knots then. They both sound so insecure and volatile that I can almost predict one or the other will misread an email one day and call the whole thing off. It's been known to happen. The fact that both deal with fantasy in their studies and work makes it even more possible than, say, two accountants. Talking on the phone changes nothing. This man could still be a serial killer. She knows nothing about him.
Professor X Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 Talking on the phone changes nothing. This man could still be a serial killer. She knows nothing about him. I don't know if I'd go to such extreme, however, I'd agree that there are a lot of traits about him she doesn't know, since right now she is, as well as he, live in a fantasy world where everything is perfect, their RS is perfect (except for the minor detail that it's virtual). Obvious red flag are there and in her fantasy they are just being negated, moreover, since she's established that she's inlove with him already. Love does blind you, as most of us know. I'll just address the obvious: He said to you ""I wish I could meet a girl I gave a fck about." prior to getting involved with you. So from that I assume you concluded you're so special, right TC? That in all of his 10 years (say he opened his eyes at 15) so far, he has met ONE girl he claims to care about and that girl happened to be virtual (because that's your status right now). So in reality, in the past 10 years, he hasn't met one girl in real life that he gave a fck about. Not that it matters really, you will meet him, you will feel like you're in heaven when he's there (because of the short period). All I'm saying is prepare for the worst, hope for the best. I fell inlove for the first time when I was 13, naive, yes, but I fell inlove and I cared for her. What age did you fall inlove first?
Star Gazer Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 maybe I'm just in a bad mood but a lot of things he's saying the last couple of days are getting me down. Tonight I mentioned to him that I was having some difficulty mastering a specific skill that is totally new to me. Since he has more experience with it I asked him if it took him a little while when he first started to get the hang of it. His response was: "No, I was immediately good at it. Other people even told me." I'm probably just being touchy but that struck me as a little insensitive. Because it is.
Pierre Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 Because it is. I fully agree. There is something evil about this guy. Amazingly he never found a girl he gave a f**** about until he started to chat with OP in the Internet. Creepy, sounds like a guy who has found a woman that is desperate enough to go for him. It is hard to sit back and wait for a disaster to happen.
country_gurl Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 maybe I'm just in a bad mood but a lot of things he's saying the last couple of days are getting me down. Tonight I mentioned to him that I was having some difficulty mastering a specific skill that is totally new to me. Since he has more experience with it I asked him if it took him a little while when he first started to get the hang of it. His response was: "No, I was immediately good at it. Other people even told me." I'm probably just being touchy but that struck me as a little insensitive. TC, my last serious relationship was with a guy nearly 5 years younger than me. I soon learned that it was pointless to share with him, any concern in life that I had (whether it was with my job, my family, a coworker, my home, etc) because he would always use it as an opportunity to brag about himself. He never tried to really offer me support, it was always just an opportunity to let me know that he could do it better/faster/smarter/etc. Everything was a competition with him. He loved to "show me up." In turn, I slowly started to feel inferior to him. He was never the 'best friend' I could turn to (that you would expect from a boyfriend) for support or help or advice which was ironic considering he was a self-proclaimed expert on every subject/matter/task. He was often subtle in putting me down, often using sarcastic humor as the vehicle in which to deliver it....and if I'd assert myself and tell him that what he said was rude he'd twist it around and just accuse me of being "too sensitive" or having "no sense of humor." It took me a while to realize a few things about him. One was that he was very narcissistic. Another was that deep down he was very insecure and it made him feel better and more powerful to knock me down emotionally/psychologically. Lastly, I feel that he was intimidated by the fact that he was younger than me and I think he always had this need to "prove to me" that although he was younger, he was smarter. He used to always make a lot of cheap shots to me about my age/being older which I never understood because he was the one who pursued me when we first met and he knew I was older from the start.
Author torn_curtain Posted September 26, 2011 Author Posted September 26, 2011 Fck. We just got into our first real argument (over im) and it started because he said something insensitive again. And I said I was feeling annoyed at him because of his comment and he wrote, "I don't care?" It escalated from there. We made up but it didn't feel totally resolved. I feel pretty hurt right now. I think I'm going to pull back
Author torn_curtain Posted September 26, 2011 Author Posted September 26, 2011 your a nutcase a nut case with better grammar than yours.
carhill Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 Please press some flesh first before all this. Table it for now. Sometimes suggesting solutions seems like dominance. As my best friend would consistently remind his wife when she draws breath to yell at me, 'he's just stating an opinion'. Not that it stops her I hope you take this in a similar vein, the stating of an opinion.
sunshinegirl Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 TC, this just has 'bad news' written all over it. I don't like his behavior, I don't like your self-doubt, I don't like the extreme emotional investment so early, I don't like the talk about your future together (working/living together) when you have never met, I don't like his (lack of) relationship history, I don't like that you are apparently going to meet for 4 (fantasy) days and then go another 6 months without seeing each other in the flesh. I've had LDR's myself and when they start as distance relationships (as opposed to dating couples who get separated by school, job, etc), people can selectively edit/hide aspects of themselves in ways that just aren't possible when you're around them in a normal everyday way. You're making a very big gamble that, honestly, rarely works out. Finally, sorry to be a huge Debbie Downer here, but do you know anyone else in real life who knows him and can vouch for the fact that he's not a psycho? If the only information you have about him is from him, I would seriously recommend meeting in public for the first time, telling someone you trust where you will be, and not letting him know your home address. This is basic self-protection. Wonderful if he turns out not to be an unstable wacko con artist (or worse), but don't discount the possibility that he could be because you're in love. You're in love with what he's presented you on screen. That's it. Take care of yourself.
SteveC80 Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 Its a tricky thing for women, things like being dominant and a borderline jerk/ahole are maybe not what a women wants or looks for in a relationship but its what turns them on Ive seen this dynamic from both sides,i started out laid back and not passive but didnt like conflict or arguing and could see the girl lose attraction for me because i was too agreeable and didnt lead and control her Then i saw it from when i was more dominant and jerkish and while their were a lot of fights the attraction level of the women in the relaitonship grew Women are attracted to the opposite of themselves and it can be a fine line betwen masculinity and jerkish behavior but women respond to it evne if sometimes its too much
Author torn_curtain Posted September 26, 2011 Author Posted September 26, 2011 TC, this just has 'bad news' written all over it. I don't like his behavior, I don't like your self-doubt, I don't like the extreme emotional investment so early, I don't like the talk about your future together (working/living together) when you have never met, I don't like his (lack of) relationship history, I don't like that you are apparently going to meet for 4 (fantasy) days and then go another 6 months without seeing each other in the flesh. I've had LDR's myself and when they start as distance relationships (as opposed to dating couples who get separated by school, job, etc), people can selectively edit/hide aspects of themselves in ways that just aren't possible when you're around them in a normal everyday way. You're making a very big gamble that, honestly, rarely works out. Finally, sorry to be a huge Debbie Downer here, but do you know anyone else in real life who knows him and can vouch for the fact that he's not a psycho? If the only information you have about him is from him, I would seriously recommend meeting in public for the first time, telling someone you trust where you will be, and not letting him know your home address. This is basic self-protection. Wonderful if he turns out not to be an unstable wacko con artist (or worse), but don't discount the possibility that he could be because you're in love. You're in love with what he's presented you on screen. That's it. Take care of yourself. Thanks for the input, SG. Yeah, tonight I'm feeling a lot of doubts, especially after this argument we had. I don't know what's going on, because things between us were so smooth and then all of a sudden the tone changed. I think you're probably right. At this moment I'm feeling that our chances of working are less than 50% . A bunch of red flags are becoming apparent that I was either ignoring or unaware of before. I'm still going to meet him and give us a shot, though. I think it'd be crazy for me not to.
sunshinegirl Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 I'm still going to meet him and give us a shot, though. I think it'd be crazy for me not to. Fair enough. Given my suggestions above, how are you going to self-protect in case he's a nutjob?
Author torn_curtain Posted September 26, 2011 Author Posted September 26, 2011 Fair enough. Given my suggestions above, how are you going to self-protect in case he's a nutjob? Maybe I'm just ridiculously trusting but I feel certain he's not a nut job. I've spoken to him for months on video chat and I feel like I'd be able to pick that up at this point. Am I crazy for thinking this? We're meeting in public first btw.
OnyxSnowfall Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 Admittedly my current partner and I did not meet online so this is somewhat different --- but after the first time of meeting (in person), most of our correspondence for the next year was then online due to ... circumstances. Nearly everyone I knew told me he was creepy and that he would do something equivalent to murdering me and hiding my body parts --- all this based on his blog posts... although some people knew him irl, they had their own agendas to "keep us separated" bleh. He had been celibate for about 10 years when we met... that it and of itself worried people I knew too LoL. I instead found his celibacy endearing and respectable. My cousin AND my sister stopped talking to me when he and I began seeing one another in an exclusive relationship too. They couldn't stand that I was going to "go against" their advice or whatever and felt that I chose him over them. My sister started talking to me again after a year, but my cousin STILL will not talk to me to this day... ugh. Anyway, when he and I were able to spend more actual time together, it was WONDERFUL. Sure, he wrote some pretty nutty blogs LOL, but I'm into dramatic literature etc so... I gave him the benefit of doubt there. And there were all kinds of "red flags". To this day, years later, he still treats me beautifully. He had his moments over the internet of appearing to be a nutter too... but it's so difficult to judge. You really will only know when you meet him --- however, it would do you good to convey your feelings and doubts to him NOW regardless. If he can't respect them / express an interest in understanding them now, I am not sure that meeting him irl will change that.
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