being with someone more dominant

[Nexus One]

He will lose respect for you if he thinks he can control or dominate you, so it's important that you assert yourself and don't let him do that.

 

Regarding him losing respect, I don't think that would be necessarily the case, but it's a possibility.

 

Personally I think a relationship is more beautiful when two people are on equal footing with each other. All those power struggle games defeat the purpose of a relationship, which is to be happy together and enjoy each other.

[Kamille]

T, what are the chances that your bf isn't actually the dominant type? That you perceive him as dominant because you have put him on a pedestal? (Thereby giving more authority over you than he actually wants himself?)

[xxoo]

I constantly worry about him losing respect for me since right now he thinks the world of me.

 

He thinks the world of the TC you've shown him. But that isn't the entire TC.

 

Your relationship is still so new. Remember to keep the cart in back of the horse. You need to get to know each other first, "warts and all", and THEN commit to each other. If he loses respect for you upon knowing the real you, then that is important for you to know. You can not keep up the "image" TC forever, and need a man who loves you "warts and all".

 

Next time he is pushing his advice on you, and making you uncomfortable, speak up! "You've given me some valuable food for thought, but I need to think this through on my own before making a decision." And then change the subject. If he persists after you are clear, he is being controlling--his character fault, not yours.

[Star Gazer]

Regarding him losing respect, I don't think that would be necessarily the case, but it's a possibility.

 

Personally I think a relationship is more beautiful when two people are on equal footing with each other. All those power struggle games defeat the purpose of a relationship, which is to be happy together and enjoy each other.

 

I agree with the latter part of your post.

 

As to the first, he's definitely demonstrated controlling behavior over the course of several threads. On his end and his end alone, I think it's clear he's seeking power over her - consciously, or not. And over time, if he sees her bending to fit his whims, he will see her as weak, and will lose attraction for her, as it was her feisty strength that drew him to her in the first place.

[Nexus One]

As to the first, he's definitely demonstrated controlling behavior over the course of several threads. On his end and his end alone, I think it's clear he's seeking power over her - consciously, or not. And over time, if he sees her bending to fit his whims, he will see her as weak, and will lose attraction for her, as it was her feisty strength that drew him to her in the first place.

 

I haven't read all of TC's posts, I've only seen her mention him to give off a controlling vibe twice, so perhaps I'm missing things here, but it's possible that he just gives her advice with lots of energy on his part and that she then interprets that as being controlling or dominant.

 

That's why I don't think it's necessarily the case he'll lose respect for her. He'll only lose attraction to her if he NEEDS a feisty personality in his SO to stay attracted.

If that's a requirement for him to be attracted, then yes you'll scenario will play out.

 

But like I said, from our position it's hard to judge if he's being controlling or if he's giving advice in an animated manner. But then again, I haven't read all of TC's posts on the forum, so I could be missing things here.

Edited September 25, 2011 by Nexus One

[Star Gazer]

But like I said, from our position it's hard to judge if he's being controlling or if he's giving advice in an animated manner. But then again, I haven't read all of TC's posts, on the forum, so I could be missing things here.

 

We're in different positions though, as I HAVE read all of her posts.

 

What drew him to her was the manner in which she freely provided her commentary, advice, etc., on their mutual subject matter - film. Then he started criticizing, controlling, and dominating her... and in response, she acts sheepish and doesn't assert herself.

 

Keep in mind, this is a guy who has never had a serious relationship.

[Nexus One]

We're in different positions though, as I HAVE read all of her posts.

 

What drew him to her was the manner in which she freely provided her commentary, advice, etc., on their mutual subject matter - film. Then he started criticizing, controlling, and dominating her... and in response, she acts sheepish and doesn't assert herself.

 

You know what the thing is about film, I've worked for a film studio as an editor during my years in university and the artistic ego's there are huge. That goes for the women as well. Female directors would get in my face on a regular basis.

 

What TC possibly has been experiencing is the collision of artistic ego's.

 

That being said, regardless of some of the female directors being attractive, their controlling personalities were a turn-off for me. Personally I wouldn't have wanted a relationship with any of them. So I'm not sure if I see this ending well for TC based on those experiences.

 

Keep in mind, this is a guy who has never had a serious relationship.

 

I don't think that's relevant to the dominance and control thing.

 

What I do consider worrying is that their conversation brought her on the verge of crying. That's not good. He should be aware what he's doing there.

[FitChick]

I haven't read beyond the first couple of posts but I doubt this has been mentioned: He is "pushing your buttons" which are your beliefs and that is why you feel anxious and insecure. You can pretend to be assertive and fine with it but it takes a lot of effort. That can get exhausting -- like holding a giant beach ball underwater. It keeps popping up until you pop it.

 

Once you eliminate your core beliefs/buttons/beach ball he can say and do the exact same things and you will react totally differently or not at all. You won't have to pretend to be secure and assertive -- you actually will be. The only way to do that, in my long experience, is with The Lefkoe Method.

 

I have a strong personality myself and like a dominant man but not a bully. Occasionally a man might trigger something in me that I immediately recognize is a belief that has surfaced. I don't blame him, I do the Method on myself and that solves the problem. I don't discuss it with him. The only person you can control is yourself so do it!

[FitChick]

regardless of some of the female directors being attractive, their controlling personalities were a turn-off for me.

 

What I do consider worrying is that their conversation brought her on the verge of crying. That's not good. He should be aware what he's doing there.

 

It is a director's job to direct which means being in control. However, she needs to get the best out of her cast and crew and you don't do that by being a bitch or no one will want to work with you.

 

If OP wants to be a real film director instead of playing at being one, she needs to accept criticism and not take it personally. There are very few real film directors who can do whatever they damn well please with the studio's money.

[torn_curtain]

You know what the thing is about film, I've worked for a film studio as an editor during my years in university and the artistic ego's there are huge. That goes for the women as well. Female directors would get in my face on a regular basis.

 

What TC possibly has been experiencing is the collision of artistic ego's.

 

That being said, regardless of some of the female directors being attractive, their controlling personalities were a turn-off for me. Personally I wouldn't have wanted a relationship with any of them. So I'm not sure if I see this ending well for TC based on those experiences.

 

Yeah, he has a large ego which is typical for the industry and he also has more experience than I do so he often positions himself in expert position. A lot of the time it doesn't bother me, since I appreciate his input but sometimes it gets overbearing and I'm not really looking for his advice. Like I might casually mention something I did on a project and he'll literally say: "Don't do that. Here's what you should do." I can't tell if I'm overreacting, because I think this is just the way he relates to people when it comes to professional stuff.

[torn_curtain]

If OP wants to be a real film director instead of playing at being one, she needs to accept criticism and not take it personally. There are very few real film directors who can do whatever they damn well please with the studio's money.

 

It's not that I can't accept criticism. In fact I appreciate it, because it helps me improve. It's that coming from my boyfriend in the manner he dispenses it is a bit much.

[torn_curtain]

Another thing I should mention is that my boyfriend really, really wants to collaborate with me and get involved in business with me, an idea that I'm less keen on. At first I was interested, but I'm having growing doubts.

 

He's extremely talented, we tend to see eye to eye on most things and he seems to be very reliable, so if I weren't romantically involved with him I'd probably be down.

 

But I'm increasingly wary of getting professionally entangled with him. He seems to want this completely immersive relationship in which we spend all our time living together, working on projects, having sex, exploring the city. That sounds romantic in theory, but I'm worried it could turn into a nightmare.

 

I just think it's way, way too early to be even considering this. I do want to collaborate on something with him, but I really can't say at this point whether I'd want him as a business partner. I mean we need to freakin' meet for one thing. Since initially I showed some interest, I'm not really sure how to backtrack a little. I keep doing this -- giving him the go ahead because initially it seems like a good idea and I get swept up in the moment and then reality hits me.

 

Once I mentioned possibly going to grad school in the city and he flipped out a little. He didn't say "you can't go," but he did indicate that he felt like if I went to grad school and left our business relationship behind I was sort of abandoning my romantic relationship with him. I explained to him this wasn't the case, and eventually he understood and apologized. But his reaction made me uneasy. I feel like whenever I describe these interactions they inevitably sound more heated and aggressive than they were because I'm stripping them to their bare bones. So keep in mind there were a lot of qualifiers and he didn't fly into a rage or anything. He just said, "I'm not sure what to think about that. I guess it disturbs me because..."

Edited September 25, 2011 by torn_curtain

[Nexus One]

Another thing I should mention is that my boyfriend really, really wants to collaborate with me and get involved in business with me, an idea that I'm less keen on. At first I was interested, but I'm having growing doubts.

 

He's extremely talented, we tend to see eye to eye on most things and he seems to be very reliable, so if I weren't romantically involved with him I'd probably be down.

 

But I'm increasingly wary of getting professionally entangled with him. He seems to want this completely immersive relationship in which we spend all our time living together, working on projects, having sex, exploring the city. That sounds romantic in theory, but I'm worried it could turn into a nightmare.

 

I just think it's way, way too early to be even considering this. I do want to collaborate on something with him, but I really can't say at this point whether I'd want him as a business partner. I mean we need to freakin' meet for one thing. Since initially I showed some interest, I'm not really sure how to backtrack a little. I keep doing this -- giving him the go ahead because initially it seems like a good idea and I get swept up in the moment and then reality hits me.

 

Once I mentioned possibly going to grad school in the city and he flipped out a little. He didn't say "you can't go," but he did indicate that he felt like if I went to grad school and left our business relationship behind I was sort of abandoning my romantic relationship with him. I explained to him this wasn't the case, and eventually he understood and apologized. But his reaction made me uneasy. I feel like whenever I describe these interactions they inevitably sound more heated and aggressive than they were because I'm stripping them to their bare bones. So keep in mind there were a lot of qualifiers and he didn't fly into a rage or anything. He just said, "I'm not sure what to think about that. I guess it disturbs me because..."

 

Think about one of the major merits of having a business. One of the biggest merits besides money is being your own boss. If that merit drops away, then running a business becomes less fun.

 

You guys are already having differences of opinions now, imagine how that would be once there's money involved and WHEN YOU'RE UNDER CONTRACT.

I wrote that last part in capital letters, because when you're under contract, then you're legally bound to fulfill that contract to the letter and spirit. Unless you've ever worked under contract, then you probably don't know how high that pressure is. There is just no room for failure, everything has to be perfect according to the terms of contract, otherwise you'll have breached it and they can sue you for a lot of money.

 

I already find that a high pressure myself, I can't imagine if I had to share that pressure professionally with my SO and we'd then had to bicker over differences. That would be especially hard when it comes to artistic differences, because those are a matter of opinion.

 

And you know when art starts becoming no longer fun? When someone dictates how you should work and what you should do. That's why so many people leave that industry, they get creatively drained and their passion is sucked out of their artistic spirits so to speak.

 

There's only one way to survive that and that's to put your ego aside and accept the hierarchy within those companies. That's how you will survive, but it'll be less fun.

 

Personally I try to keep people from my private social circle from dictating what I do in business. Every now and then people do try to challenge my position. That's when I say: "No way, I'm the boss, you don't get to dictate me." That sounds authoritarian, but I'm the one in a position of responsibility, I'm the one who's under contract, I'm the one who bears the financial risks...and that's why nobody gets to tell me what to do when it comes to business.

 

So TC I can already tell you that you're going to feel challenged in your position and feel dictated on how to do your work.

 

The arts are especially vulnerable when it comes to things like this, it can take the fun out of it and egos are in play.

 

While I think these things can be overcome in a relationship...I think it can become quite hard. Lots of lessons need to be learned and lots of boundaries need to be set.

 

When it comes to business partners, the term "partner" signifies equality, not dominance. In a company you can sell your shares if you don't mesh well with your other business partners and just leave. In a relationship that will be more difficult.

 

There's a reason why so many people keep business and love separated. The two don't tend to mesh well. That doesn't mean it's impossible though, some couples are able to do it.

 

Just see how it goes when you meet him, don't think about any of this sh*t until the point it becomes relevant, otherwise you could start to mentally over-analyse and then sabotage yourself and the relationship before it even started.

[xxoo]

I just think it's way, way too early to be even considering this. I do want to collaborate on something with him, but I really can't say at this point whether I'd want him as a business partner. I mean we need to freakin' meet for one thing. Since initially I showed some interest, I'm not really sure how to backtrack a little. I keep doing this -- giving him the go ahead because initially it seems like a good idea and I get swept up in the moment and then reality hits me.

 

If you can not tell him your concerns, you will have problems in both your personal relatioship and your business relationship.

 

Push past your fears of losing him (you don't even know him well enough to be sure you want to keep him!), and tell him you want to focus on your personal relationship before adding the business piece. If he digs for more, tell him how you are feeling.

 

Once I mentioned possibly going to grad school in the city and he flipped out a little. He didn't say "you can't go," but he did indicate that he felt like if I went to grad school and left our business relationship behind I was sort of abandoning my romantic relationship with him. I explained to him this wasn't the case, and eventually he understood and apologized. But his reaction made me uneasy. I feel like whenever I describe these interactions they inevitably sound more heated and aggressive than they were because I'm stripping them to their bare bones. So keep in mind there were a lot of qualifiers and he didn't fly into a rage or anything. He just said, "I'm not sure what to think about that. I guess it disturbs me because..."

 

Maybe you are projecting a bit? You have to be able to communicate your concerns, and he has to be able to communicate his. He had a concern, and talked to you about it. That's normal, but it made you uneasy. Why?

[Cee]

I think your instincts are spot on about not working together. He's got all these ideas and creative impulses that may not work in reality. If he's moving to your city, he needs to establish his own networks and projects. And you need a separate life. I would be firm not to work with him at all for at least 6 months.

 

I know so many couples who founded restaurants together who are now on the gossip pages because of divorce. I think the mixing of love and work is not a good way to begin a relationship. From reading your threads, I'm starting to think this guy might be a little bit socially awkward and that's why he comes across as dominant. There's nothing bad about being awkward, but he might miss social cues that you pick up on.

 

Remind yourself that the two of you are dating and in a relationship, not a couple destined for long-term commitment. Not until he moves to your city that you'll see how this love grows. Your story is a little reminiscent of Welike. Remember how enthusiastic he was about the woman who went to a foreign country and came back? At first, he was crazy with love and talked about her moving in, but then came back down to earth. And the two of them settled into a saner early relationship.

[torn_curtain]

I think your instincts are spot on about not working together. He's got all these ideas and creative impulses that may not work in reality.

 

YES, yes yes. He's very much like that. I'm a bit more grounded than he is (which I guess is saying something). This is also partly why I'm wary of getting involved in a business partnership with him, at least right now. I don't know how realistic he is. Then again we might complement each other's weaknesses, but I can't really say at this point and I'd prefer to just focus on our romantic relationship first.

 

If he's moving to your city, he needs to establish his own networks and projects. And you need a separate life. I would be firm not to work with him at all for at least 6 months.

 

I need to figure out a way of broaching this sensitively because I know he's going to be upset. I may do it when we meet.

 

From reading your threads, I'm starting to think this guy might be a little bit socially awkward and that's why he comes across as dominant. There's nothing bad about being awkward, but he might miss social cues that you pick up on.

 

It's possible. He tells me that when he's smoking he's confident socially but since he's quit he's lost a lot of that confidence.

 

Remind yourself that the two of you are dating and in a relationship, not a couple destined for long-term commitment. Not until he moves to your city that you'll see how this love grows. Your story is a little reminiscent of Welike. Remember how enthusiastic he was about the woman who went to a foreign country and came back? At first, he was crazy with love and talked about her moving in, but then came back down to earth. And the two of them settled into a saner early relationship.

 

Funny you should mention that because my boyfriend's personality is actually similar to Welike's, although he's more emotionally available and less commitment phobic (at least he has been with me).

[Cee]

Whatever red flags I am seeing are more on his part than yours. I agree with Star Gazer that his lack of relationship experience is worrisome.

 

I hope he's the type of person who learns quickly and is willing to change course when he sees things aren't working. He might balk by you saying that you don't want to work with him at first, but if he's reasonable, he will come around. Sometimes in a partnership, one party sees something before the other sees it. You are seeing real pitfalls of working together and if he's smart, he'll agree to your boundary. If not, then you know he's too stubborn and myopic for you.

 

I hope you can try to relax and not solve every issue before you meet him. It must be so hard to channel your energy in something other than analyzing the relationship. Waiting is such a pain. Maybe you need a distraction, like time with friends or engaging in a favorite hobby.

[xxoo]

I need to figure out a way of broaching this sensitively because I know he's going to be upset. I may do it when we meet.

 

Are you really going to stuff down an issue that is upsetting you because talking about it will upset him?

[Star Gazer]

He's got all these ideas and creative impulses that may not work in reality.

 

I fear the same thing could hold true for his view of their relationship.

 

It's been said a million times, but it's worth repeating that the OP should really halt the emotional investment in this relationship until they've actually met.

[D-Lish]

Whatever red flags I am seeing are more on his part than yours. I agree with Star Gazer that his lack of relationship experience is worrisome.

 

I agree with this as well. Also, developing an online relationship- one where distance is already present seems like it would be safer for a CP than IRL.

 

I think meeting in person will betray everything you need to know TC. You'll get a much better picture of how compatible you guys are when you spend time together in the same room.

 

By the age of 25, most guys have formed a bond with a woman.

I think you just have to wait and see.

[torn_curtain]

I agree with this as well. Also, developing an online relationship- one where distance is already present seems like it would be safer for a CP than IRL.

 

 

Yes. This is my biggest concern about him, that he can only open up to someone at a distance. I've mentioned this to him several times and he's always said I have absolutely nothing to worry about, but the truth is he doesn't know how he'll react in the future under different circumstances. I believe that he believes he wont get cold feet in person, but that doesn't mean much. Just like I'm sure my ex would never in a million years have predicted the day before he broke up with me that he'd ever not want to be with me...

 

 

I think meeting in person will betray everything you need to know TC. You'll get a much better picture of how compatible you guys are when you spend time together in the same room.

 

I'm hoping you're right. Man, it's kind of terrifying to think about what that'll be like.

[torn_curtain]

 

It's been said a million times, but it's worth repeating that the OP should really halt the emotional investment in this relationship until they've actually met.

 

Part of the problem with this is that he's so attuned to my moods that he can immediately tell when I'm at all distant, almost before I'm even aware of it. Pulling back a bit seems like a good idea, but I'm also worried about rocking the boat before we meet since everything is a bit intangible and shaky now.

Edited September 25, 2011 by torn_curtain

[Professor X]

I think meeting in person will betray everything you need to know TC. You'll get a much better picture of how compatible you guys are when you spend time together in the same room.

 

If he'd come over for a month, I'd agree, otherwise, since he's coming over for only 4 days, the only thing that will happen is that they will have sex for 4 days and completely live the fantasy they both have right now.

They only thing they will do in those 4 days is enhance the fantasy.

 

In their case, they will need to spend a while together for reality to burst in and start taking over their world.

 

Mark my words, she will come back here and say that it has been the best 4 days in her life.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Him getting "upset" when you mention going to grad school - and if I understand you, you are talking about going to grad school right in the same city where you both (theoretically) will be living

 

is AGAIN crossing boundaries, and probably very controlling. Like, his being "upset" is actually making you think differently about grad school

 

That is very out of line.

 

Really, you are not going to be able to control HIS controlling behavior, but you really have to make absolute sure that you don't succumb to it.

 

As of now, you are planning to tailor how you speak to him about certain subjects because he might get "upset." You don't want to "rock the boat."

 

It does sound like eggshells are being trod upon.

 

DO NO PROCEED WITH WALKING ON EGGSHELLS!

 

Just try to walk normally!

 

If he can't handle it, you and he can not be a match. It will be very sad for you, but you need to behave in a fashion that is very true to yourself. Your mate needs to be able to accept this.

[Professor X]

As of now, you are planning to tailor how you speak to him about certain subjects because he might get "upset." You don't want to "rock the boat."

...

DO NO PROCEED WITH WALKING ON EGGSHELLS!

Oh wow, this is such a good advice, godly I'd say. I have done this for a over year and I can tell you that nothing good came out of it. The only thing it cause is frustration that grew bigger and bigger.

 

Just be yourself! If he pisses you, tell him as is, if he makes you melt, tell him. But don't tailor your reactions!

Oh god, don't do that!