being with someone more dominant

[torn_curtain]

I promised myself I'd try to post less until we meet, but I could use some advice on this.

 

My boyfriend has a really forceful personality. He's intense, somewhat demanding, direct, driven and aggressive. Usually I lead in relationships so I'm not used to this. But I've always wanted someone who is slightly more dominant.

 

And even though I'm more attracted to him because of his forcefulness, sometimes it makes me feel bad about myself, like my personality is being slowly crushed beneath the weight of his. I think I just need to learn to hold my own more. Tonight we were having a conversation where he was he was really forceful (though not mean) in giving me advice. Like this is what you should do TC and this. He directs me a lot. By the end of it I almost felt on the verge of tears, which is silly.

 

I don't want to paint him negatively. I love him and there's nothing wrong with how he is. He doesn't mistreat me. He's never mean. I feel like it's all me. I need to find a better way of regulating my emotions and self esteem. I feel this odd mixture of emotions when he gets like this -- aroused, protected but also insecure. Wow, that makes me sound like a masochist.

 

I'm not a doormat with him. On the surface I hold my own, and he seems to think I'm really assertive, but deep down I feel like he's taking the lead.

 

Does anyone who has been with a more dominant partner have advice?

[Nexus One]

I haven't ever been with a dominant partner, but I'll reply anyway. (I believe in relationships where both sides are on equal footing with each other)

 

You say he says "you should do this and this". Is that advice or is that a command? And in either case, can't you just say, no I think it's better if I do it this way, because of such and such?

 

I've noticed you mentioned this about him more than once. I feel this is already a first crack in the relationship. If you don't solve this, then I think this relationship will fail. Because this will sit in your brain like a needle. It already does that and you guys haven't even met.

 

At some point you should talk about this with him, saying something like:

"When you talk to me like that it makes me feel like so and so and I don't like that."

 

However I can't judge if he's really forceful or dominant or controlling without having seen him do it. So it can also be that you're misinterpreting what he's doing, perhaps he's just giving advice. That's something I really can't judge from this position.

Edited September 25, 2011 by Nexus One

[country_gurl]

.

 

My boyfriend has a really forceful personality. He's intense, somewhat demanding, direct, driven and aggressive.

 

 

And even though I'm more attracted to him because of his forcefulness, sometimes it makes me feel bad about myself, like my personality is being slowly crushed beneath the weight of his.

 

I think I just need to learn to hold my own more.

 

He directs me a lot. By the end of it I almost felt on the verge of tears, which is silly.

 

 

I still think it's strange and not realistic for you to consider him your "boyfriend" and that you're "in love" with him when you've never even met him in person. But anyway......

 

I think you are taking note of valid and significant red flags.

 

In one your previous posts, you explained how he requested to see a pic of one of your exes, you sent him one, he then had the nerve (and stupidity) to ask you if you'd "f(cked him" and then he had a rather disconcerting meltdown where he threatened that he was about to go off the "quit smoking wagon" because he was so distressed by talk about your ex.

 

Now, this post.

 

I say this with all honesty but he sounds very much to me like a guy who is a control freak, someone who bullies or belittles women (however subtly), who has tendencies to be very emotionally/verbally and psychologically abusive. His way or the highway. Will not respect your opinion. Thinks he knows it all and knows better than anyone else. Not to mention very, very insecure despite the "dominant" act. He sounds like trouble to me. He sounds like someone who will slowly but surely erode your self-esteem down to nothing, who will cause you to second guess yourself and watch your words and walk on eggshells......and as you seem to already be doing, thinking that YOU are the one with the issue when it fact it's him.

 

He strikes me, from your post, as a bit of a sociopath, someone who enjoys a good brain-f(ck and making women feel bad and guilty.

 

i wonder if anyone else (Ruby Slippers?) gets this sense, too?

 

How did you meet him?

 

How long have you known him?

 

What is his alleged past relationship history?

 

Assuming he's had previously longterm relationships, has he shared why he feels those relationships ended?

 

How does he speak about his exes?

[torn_curtain]

How did you meet him?

 

Quite randomly in a common interest forum. He asked me for advice on something and we started talking. Things developed from there when we discovered the freakish amount we had in common.

 

 

How long have you known him?

 

 

Since May

 

 

What is his alleged past relationship history?

 

 

He's never been in a serious relationship. He's had a bunch of short term flings where the girl wanted more but he didn't. He said he's never been serious about a girl before me, because he didn't feel like he had enough in common/feel a connection with the others. When we first started talking he said to me, "I wish I could meet a girl I gave a fck about." I laughed and said "that sounds terrible" and he said "I know." That initially put me off, but I warmed up to him as I saw beneath the surface.

 

 

How does he speak about his exes?

 

He doesn't speak about them much, just describes how he was detached with them, how he gave none of himself with them and they always tried to pull more out of him, and he feels guilty about it. I think that's why he doesn't want to talk about it -- the guilt.

 

That said he also feels a lot of empathy for others. He gets visibly distraught when he sees somebody vulnerable being mistreated, and he's really supportive, nurturing and protective when I'm going through anything rough...actually more so than any other guy I've been involved with.

Edited September 25, 2011 by torn_curtain

[country_gurl]

 

 

He's never been in a serious relationship. He's had a bunch of short term flings where the girl wanted more but he didn't. He said he's never been serious about a girl before me, because he didn't feel like he had enough in common/feel a connection with the others. When we first started talking he said to me, "I wish I could meet a girl I gave a fck about." I laughed and said "that sounds terrible" and he said "I know."

 

Hmmmmm.

 

 

He doesn't speak about them much, just describes how he was detached with them, how he gave none of himself with them and they always tried to pull more out of him, and he feels guilty about it. I think that's why he doesn't want to talk about it -- the guilt.

 

Perhaps you're assuming it's guilt when it's totally not?

 

I think these are more red flags, the fact that he's admitted having no serious relationships in the past, admitting to having been 'detached' with people he's had short term relationships with in he past, them having to try and pull more out of him. That doesn't sound all that healthy or stable to me, or like someone who's good relationship material.

 

What are your approximate ages?

 

he's really supportive, nurturing and protective when I'm going through anything rough...actually more so than any other guy I've been involved with.

 

1. well, except when he's being aggressive and demanding and making you feel like your personality is being crushed beneath his......or directing you to the extent that you feel silly and on the verge of tears by the time he's done.

 

2. how much rough stuff could you have gone through in the short time you've known him? It's also easy to "be there" for someone when it's at a distance.

[torn_curtain]

Hmmmmm.

 

 

 

 

Perhaps you're assuming it's guilt when it's totally not?

 

I think these are more red flags, the fact that he's admitted having no serious relationships in the past, admitting to having been 'detached' with people he's had short term relationships with in he past, them having to try and pull more out of him. That doesn't sound all that healthy or stable to me, or like someone who's good relationship material.

 

What are your approximate ages?

 

 

 

1. well, except when he's being aggressive and demanding and making you feel like your personality is being crushed beneath his......or directing you to the extent that you feel silly and on the verge of tears by the time he's done.

 

2. how much rough stuff could you have gone through in the short time you've known him? It's also easy to "be there" for someone when it's at a distance.

 

He's 25 and I'm 28. You raise some good points, but I still feel that this is more my problem than his because I tend to be overly sensitive at times with people.

[country_gurl]

He's 25 and I'm 28. You raise some good points, but I still feel that this is more my problem than his because I tend to be overly sensitive at times with people.

 

I too am the type to be overly-sensitive but looking back on my relationships, I see I was often with/attracted to the more dominant types.....and it turned out that they used my overly-sensitive nature to their advantage/my disadvantage. Unstable control-freaks look for a woman's vulnerabilities and character traits that they can exploit. We look for someone strong, they look for someone weak.

[Feelin Frisky]

This issue of dominant versus submissive is a deal breaker that will probably tear things apart in the end if the fit is not there. That is not to say that you and he don't fit. His style of advice-giving on the net is one thing, how you negotiate each little move in the flesh is another. I don't mind being urged to do something that might benefit me or us. But in the flesh, I can't abide being a submissive. I'm not a dominant dominant, just an unwilling submissive. I think it's called an "omega male". I tried to make it with a serious g/f and I hated every time she would say things like "let's go" and act like I was supposed to follow her. It angered me and I had to say repeatedly and sometimes with anger "unstrap that dick" (occasionally concluded with the word bitch). I just won't have it. I on the other hand would ask my partner if she's ready, or offer my hand and a nod to imply "let's go" but never talk like I'm in charge of everything. Maybe some women like a guy who "directs" them, but I'm much more into a gentle partnership with soft prompts and considerations. You really won't face these things until you live in the same space and get the lay of the land as to who is whom and what is what. Good luck.

[torn_curtain]

This issue of dominant versus submissive is a deal breaker that will probably tear things apart in the end if the fit is not there. That is not to say that you and he don't fit. His style of advice-giving on the net is one thing, how you negotiate each little move in the flesh is another. I don't mind being urged to do something that might benefit me or us. But in the flesh, I can't abide being a submissive. I'm not a dominant dominant, just an unwilling submissive. I think it's called an "omega male". I tried to make it with a serious g/f and I hated every time she would say things like "let's go" and act like I was supposed to follow her. It angered me and I had to say repeatedly and sometimes with anger "unstrap that dick" (occasionally concluded with the word bitch). I just won't have it. I on the other hand would ask my partner if she's ready, or offer my hand and a nod to imply "let's go" but never talk like I'm in charge of everything. Maybe some women like a guy who "directs" them, but I'm much more into a gentle partnership with soft prompts and considerations. You really won't face these things until you live in the same space and get the lay of the land as to who is whom and what is what. Good luck.

 

Yeah that is annoying.

 

I won't know until we meet whether the dynamic truly works, but now I just want to figure out how to sort of regulate my own emotions so I don't stress out.

 

I think I'm also just feeling pretty depressed tonight because I'm weaning myself off of this antidepressant that has brutal withdrawal effects. I've talked about it some with him (and he's very supportive) but I'm reluctant to over rely on him for emotional support because that has killed a couple of my past relationships. I feel this aching loneliness right now that I don't really know how to deal with.

[Kamille]

You may recall that my ex the Chef was dominant. The Chef could make me cry during an argument.

 

A friend who knew us said recently that she felt he was intimidated by me. As such, he consistently required a lot of reassurance that he was admired by me, that he had something over me, etc. Basically, what I might have interpreted at the time as me being over-sensitive was him having self-esteem issues.

 

So this:

 

He's 25 and I'm 28. You raise some good points, but I still feel that this is more my problem than his because I tend to be overly sensitive at times with people.

 

Bull**** TC. Don't you dare go down that road. His dominance is not a reflection of your over-sensitivity. You can choose to work on how you respond to situations like the one you describe, but your response shouldn't start with you saying: "I notice he can be dominant. The problem must be me". Do you see how damaging that could be? You can surely find ways to be more assertive, ways to respond differently to other people's actions, but those assertive ways shouldn't involve you taking the blame when someone's actions makes you feel bad about yourself. This is especially true if that someone is someone who supposedly loves you.

 

If you're seeing a therapist still, please talk to them about this, and tell them the interaction made you feel like you're being over-sensitive. Hopefully they'll help you unpack all of that.

Edited September 25, 2011 by Kamille

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Kamille said it perfectly. "His dominance is not a reflection of your over-sensitivity". When a man truly is dominant Torn_Curtain, he doesn't lead through sheer will of force. Truly dominant men also take into account their partner's needs. I don't really see that happening through the things you described. Please re-read Kamille's post again, they have given you most excellent advice.

 

Personally, I see so many red flags in the things you described with this man. DANGER DANGER Will Robinson.

 

Also, this comment: "I wish I could meet a girl I gave a fck about" isn't an innocent slip. He is telling you his history with women and it's not a healthy one.

Edited September 25, 2011 by Disenchantedly Yours

[Nexus One]

You say you want a man that is more dominant than you are, but I'm not sure that actually fits your personality if you yourself are dominant. You might be mistaking regarding what you want, because sometimes "the idea" of something seems nice, but it simply doesn't work in reality.

 

Like I said, personally I believe in relationships where both partners are on equal footing with each other. Sounds a bit boring to some people perhaps, but a relationship shouldn't be about who dominates who, it should be about being happy and leading fulfilling life with the love of your life.

 

Let me ask you this TC. Do you see him as the potential love of your life? Can you picture yourself growing old together with him?

[Dusk1983]

Please, torn curtain, no more evaluations or judgements until you actually meet this guy. It is absolutely crazy.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Kamille said:

His dominance is not a reflection of your over-sensitivity. You can choose to work on how you respond to situations like the one you describe, but your response shouldn't start with you saying: "I notice he can be dominant. The problem must be me". Do you see how damaging that could be?

 

Not only damaging to your own sense of self and esteem, but again -

 

BOUNDARY STUFF.

 

He is one person.

 

You are YOU.

 

It is not appropriate for YOU to be changing how you act and feel (regarding YOUR OWN BUSINESS) based upon what he says to you and how he says it.

 

Frankly, I don't even think that you have illustrated "dominant" behavior. You have illustrated "CONTROLLING" behavior. And you've given other examples of it in other threads.

 

Do you think he's being an a**hole? Sounds like it.

[torn_curtain]

Do you see him as the potential love of your life? Can you picture yourself growing old together with him?

 

Yes, I do and I can based on what I know of him now. I'm really serious about this guy -- more than I have been about exes from the past. I see that potential, but I hardly see it as anything close to a certainty.

 

I know people will think I'm crazy for saying that, and I realize that it could change when we meet. And that's fine.

[torn_curtain]

Kamille said:

 

 

Not only damaging to your own sense of self and esteem, but again -

 

BOUNDARY STUFF.

 

He is one person.

 

You are YOU.

 

It is not appropriate for YOU to be changing how you act and feel (regarding YOUR OWN BUSINESS) based upon what he says to you and how he says it.

 

 

Right, and this is what I'm trying to avoid doing because I only have control over myself and not him. I find it difficult to regulate my emotions sometimes.

 

 

Frankly, I don't even think that you have illustrated "dominant" behavior. You have illustrated "CONTROLLING" behavior. And you've given other examples of it in other threads.

 

Do you think he's being an a**hole? Sounds like it.

 

I'm unclear on the difference between dominant and controlling.

 

I don't think he's being an a**hole. To me an a**hole is somebody who is trying to hurt another person, which he's not trying to do. Rather, I think he's just naturally somewhat insensitive and blunt, but so am I to a degree so I'm not sure why this is getting to me. I also think he's oblivious and can get into this direct mode when he's dishing out advice without even realizing it. I know he cares about me.

 

I'm confused by my feelings. His behavior isn't at all a turn off to me. Instead of making me feel bad about him, it makes me feel bad about myself. Weird, right? Usually my reaction to iffy behavior in a guy is frustration, loss of respect or anger, but with him my admiration is unwavering and I only feel upset with myself.

 

I am starting to think I am attracted to guys who others might consider somewhat dickish or arrogant -- if they're nurturing and attentive otherwise. (Dismissiveness or neglect from a partner on the other hand tends to infuriate me because it reminds me of my father.) Yet at the same time I feel bad about myself. It's this odd mixture of emotions that I can't quite understand.

Edited September 25, 2011 by torn_curtain

[Kamille]

 

I'm confused by my feelings. His behavior isn't at all a turn off to me. Instead of making me feel bad about him, it makes me feel bad about myself. Weird, right? Usually my reaction to iffy behavior in a guy is frustration, loss of respect or anger, but with him my admiration is unwavering and I only feel upset with myself.

 

I would say that in the past, your reaction to your exes' bad behaviors have centered on a fear of abandonment. You would get angry, but angry that they might be judging or neglecting you, and you would then put things in motion so that they wouldn't let you go.

 

Because of that, I wonder if the same dynamic is at work here. It's different, but the bottom line is that you would rather accept feeling bad about yourself, try to take the blame for it, than shift focus and question what you perceive to be his dominant side. Instead, you even glorify it. The reason you do this might be a fear of loss: if you shift the focus, this relationship you hold so dear might lose some of its luster.

 

It also sounds like the terrain of your relationship is becoming incredibly mined. You say yourself your dad often made you feel dismissed or neglected. Here is a man who tells you you're the first woman who hasn't made him feel indifferent. That must feel special - but it can also put pressure on you to maintain your status as deserving of his love and care.

 

I don't think, however, that he is trying to dominate or trying to put you in a position of having to keep getting his approval. I think you're putting yourself there. I think the terrain of your relationship is mined because you're trying to guess what his expectations are and trying to meet them. For instance, have you told him that you often feel overwhelmed when he gives you advice? If so, what did he say? If not, why not?

[torn_curtain]

It occurs to me that I was briefly, very casually involved with two controlling guys years ago, and I broke it off with both of them because of it. I remember being totally disgusted by their behavior. But there was a difference with them. I got the sense with they had no core of respect or love for me, while I believe my bf he truly cares about and respects me. I think people are oversimplifying; it's not always so black and white.

 

I think he is just somewhat blunt by nature (self admittedly so and apparently with everyone) and that sometimes pops out even with me, when he gets into this mode without realizing it. But if I ever point it out to him he immediately backs down and feels bad. The couple of times I've pointed it out he's been like, "Yeah, you're totally right. I do that sometimes with people when I'm talking about something I'm passionate about and need I to stop that. I'm sorry I made you feel bad."

 

Still, it does cause me some distress so I feel like we need to figure out a better dynamic when it happens. Either that or I need to figure out a better way of regulating my internal emotional response.

[Kamille]

I think he is just somewhat blunt by nature (self admittedly so and apparently with everyone) and that sometimes pops out even with me, when he gets into this mode without realizing it. But if I ever point it out to him he immediately backs down and feels bad. The couple of times I've pointed it out he's been like, "Yeah, you're totally right. I do that sometimes with people when I'm talking about something I'm passionate about and need I to stop that. I'm sorry I made you feel bad."

 

Still, it does cause me some distress so I feel like we need to figure out a better dynamic when it happens. Either that or I need to figure out a better way of regulating my internal emotional response.

 

Good. He's open to communication. You need to remember that his objective in giving you advice likely isn't to make you feel bad. It likely is to make himself feel good. World of difference.

 

So is the reason his advice makes you feel bad about yourself because you feel the only way to get love is to be perfect? As such, if someone gives you advice, you feel criticized and threatened? If so, try recognizing his intention first, than thanking him. Than when he gets over-bearing, point it out.

[torn_curtain]

I don't think, however, that he is trying to dominate or trying to put you in a position of having to keep getting his approval. I think you're putting yourself there. I think the terrain of your relationship is mined because you're trying to guess what his expectations are and trying to meet them. For instance, have you told him that you often feel overwhelmed when he gives you advice? If so, what did he say? If not, why not?

 

Yeah, 100% agree with this. I AM putting myself there. I was thinking about this just now, and here's the problem as I see it. I did mention to him once that I felt overwhelmed by his advice, and as I wrote above he was very receptive.

 

He admitted he sometimes does this to people, he backed down, apologized, and asked me how he could do it in a way that made me feel more comfortable.

 

But I foolishly sort of backpedaled at this point because I didn't want to admit to him that his directness got to me. I know he values being direct in a relationship, so I was worried he'd lose respect for me or feel unsatisfied if I tried to limit him. Foolish of me since I'm sure he would have respected my assertiveness if I had set a boundary. So, you're absolutely right. Instead of taking an opportunity to assert myself, I backed down because of my abandonment fears.

[Star Gazer]

I'm confused by my feelings. His behavior isn't at all a turn off to me. Instead of making me feel bad about him, it makes me feel bad about myself. Weird, right?

 

I'm the same way when I'm really into a guy.

 

Usually my reaction to iffy behavior in a guy is frustration, loss of respect or anger...

 

Same here, at least with guys I'm not smitten by.

[torn_curtain]

So is the reason his advice makes you feel bad about yourself because you feel the only way to get love is to be perfect? As such, if someone gives you advice, you feel criticized and threatened? If so, try recognizing his intention first, than thanking him. Than when he gets over-bearing, point it out.

 

To a degree, yes. He IS more direct about his advice than most, but any sort of criticism coming from him tends to worry me because of my abandonment fears. I constantly worry about him losing respect for me since right now he thinks the world of me.

Edited September 25, 2011 by torn_curtain

[torn_curtain]

To a degree, yes. He IS more direct about his advice than most, but any sort of criticism coming from him tends to worry me because of my abandonment fears. I constantly worry about him losing respect for me since right now he thinks the world of me.

 

I should add that he had no idea that I was feeling bad about myself after this conversation last night because I didn't tell him. Actually, at the end of the conversation he said: "I feel really close to you right now, TC. I love you so much." I guess that's why I'm afraid of bringing this up, because he really values how direct we are with each other. And I do too, intellectually. But, ironically by not bringing it up I'm being less direct.

[Kamille]

Oh boy, is your perfectionism ever playing tricks on you!

 

He felt close last night because giving you advice likely made him feel like you needed him. Meanwhile, you felt like you were losing value in his eyes.

 

Take a deep breathe and try to stop being the perfect girlfriend. Also, try to see his advice-giving for what it is: his attempts to render himself valuable.

 

It doesn't mean he can't be over-bearing. It just means you could very easily, and non-emotionally tell him when he's being over-bearing.

 

I constantly worry about him losing respect for me since right now he thinks the world of me.

 

Why hello there useless anxiety! Your relationship doesn't need you to be perfect in order to thrive. And the man of your dreams will think the world for you even through the days when you're being particularly un-brilliant. That's what love is. If someone expects you to be perfect at all times, then they're setting impossible conditions for a relationship (and I'm not saying this guy is doing that). Likewise, if you believe that the only way anyone can love you is if you're perfect at all times, then you're setting yourself up for a lot of miscommunication and worry. You'll likely spend way too much energy attempting to control outcomes that would likely turn out just fine if you didn't monitor yourself so much.

 

So relax. Deep breath. He isn't perfect and neither are you. The playing field is pretty level here.

[Star Gazer]

I constantly worry about him losing respect for me since right now he thinks the world of me.

 

He will lose respect for you if he thinks he can control or dominate you, so it's important that you assert yourself and don't let him do that.