Study Abroad Break Up

[bleepblorp]

My girlfriend and I were going out for 1 year and 3 months. We have had a great relationship that had made us both happy. We met through a mutual friend about a year before we started dating. During the summer she was home on the east coast of Florida from college on the west coast of Florida. We had a great summer and were with each other almost all of the time. I was in a very dark part of my life and she brought a lot of light to my life. She went back to college and decided that we'd stay together despite a 3 hour drive. At first I was there a lot like every weekend. I wasn't in school at the time and so at one point I lived there for about 3 weeks. After I came back, she started expressing concern that she didn't know if she could do long distance because she missed me too much. This was the beginning of only a few feelings I found confusing though I understood. I thought I lost her and was very sad though we worked through it and had a great loving, and supportive relationship. Despite working nearly full time and going to school, I saw her about ever other weekend except for one period where it was 2 months.

Fast forward to the end of the school year when she started solidifying plans to study abroad in Asia. She started talking about taking a break or breaking up because she wanted to focus on the new experience of being abroad. Also, she felt that our lives are in such a period of change right now that it could be pointless to continue to be together. I can understand this way of thinking though she was I was not happy about it though I listened. My band has become very successful and is about to get a record contract and start touring all over. Also, I am going to school, though school may bring me closer in distance to her possibly living together as we had previously planed. At one point we talked through everything and though I wasn't for it, she said we'd probably be on a break.

 

We had an okay summer. She lived with me and at one point worked the same job but not together. She said she wanted to be more active. I did too but we ended up mostly laying around in bed watching movies and holding each other. It was really nice and we both felt the same way about the negatives and positives of it. Though now I wish we'd done more.

 

She has at some point mentioned that she has been less attracted to me because I gained weight. This is despite that I was the heaviest I'd ever been when we started dating. I lost a lot of weight and then gained about half of it back. She said its not so much about the weight as the lack of care for my body. Also she is not attracted to my irresponsibility. I lost was fired from my job for giving a coworker too much of a discount. She says that it discourages her from being with me long term because she wants somebody stable. Though she does say that I am very reliable and that she can count on me. The biggest thing that she is unattracted to is that I worry about things and stress and sometimes transfer that stress to her. All of these are things that I want to change, independent of our relationship. Though I feel it would make our relationship that much better to change but only if its for myself and not for her. I think this comes from major depression for which i have never sought help until a few days ago when I started speaking with a therapist. I should say that these issues were things that we talked about in the past and I have made efforts in all of them. She has recognized this. I do feel they are related to our sex life which was amazing at the beginning and for a long time. about winter it started dwindling and we both it was stress from school and not us or me or her. it got much better for a few months and then dropped off again coming back in the beginning of summer and then fading until in the final 2 weeks before she went away, it was the source of A LOT of tension because she didnt want to.

 

Before we started dating she had some interesting experiences. Her first boyfriend was very late coming from a religious background. They had sex and then broke up. She hooked up with a lot of guys in college and had two serious relationships. The first one ended the same way ours has, with the guy studying abroad in Asia and breaking up with her. She still felt she didn't have as much sex as she wanted to so our relationship was very very physical for a long time and the addition of living together for the first 2 months helped us come together and fall in love and become attached very quickly. I should mention that her lack of sexual drive is relative to the beginning and i think is because she got it out of her system. We always had a good sex life until the end when I think she needed to detach in order to prepare to leave.

 

The hardest part is that we still have an immense love for each other. She has sad this to me and I have to her. The week before she left we decided we'd break up. The morning she left, we decided to stay together. Then about 3 weeks after being there she said we should be broken up We skyep'd and she said that she doesn't want to be with someone for forever right now and thats what she feels like we'd be if she stayed with me through this trip. Also, she says she wants to be with other people. I don't know if this is emotionally or physically I think this is both. She is over random hookups she said a while ago when talking about whether or not we could trust each other to do long distance at college. I do get the feeling that she is going there, might find someone either a fling or a relationship that would be cut off when coming back and that she would want to be with me. The worst thing is when that she says that we should be broken up, and that when she gets back we'll see what happens. And that it could be better for our relationship. I do see the logic in this. It is this part that makes me hesitant to move on. I know that I need to. I don't want to lose the intensity of the love and feeling that I have for her. I don't want her to lose it either though I think she could come back to it. She is either staying for one semester or two. but she has to come back to complete her final year of college. Next year, my lease is up on my house and I will probably be going back to the university i went to on the west coast and our plan was for me to live with her though i dont know if this is anymore. im planning to not but maybe. She nor I know if she'll be there for 1 or 2 semesters though she says she feels more comfortable there than at college. She also says she misses me a lot. I feel like if shes there for a year it will be easier for me to get over it. I really do feel okay with letting her be with other people and have fun. I want her to be happy though I really do want to be with her. And I'm not sure but I think she wants to be with me afterwards. Though she has said shes not ready to be with someone forever, she has also said that she would/could marry me. I get the feeling this trip is going to be for her growth. I am hoping that she’ll do what she needs to and then either come back and tell me that she needs to be with others or be with me. But shes even said "Come teach english here!" It is a complete mind****.

 

I have been having really good days where I am productive, working on my health, exercising, not overeating like I used to, but at night I break down and drink but not excessively. Mostly just little spates of crying followed by resolve. I know that I am going to work on myself. I want to make myself the best that I can not for her but for me. I do hope that this will make her attracted to me. Neither of us know what we want to do in life so i see us as being compatible in that regard. I do want to travel and possibly work/teach abroad. I feel its realistic to want to come back to our relationship because we both feel we're compatible. I am really into social justice, vegetarianism, compassion, and she taught me feminism and she is so happy that i get it and i know she hasn't ever met anyone else that she likes as much as me. I feel the same way about her. I don't know everyone that is out there. I know there are others. Also, I think she is the cutest ****ing thing i've ever seen, the smartest person I have ever met, a powerful communicator, and the nicest, warmest person ive known. We enjoy the same things, we are passionate about making music, and i feel like we could have a really solid existence for this short time on earth. I know she recognizes this because ive said it to her and she mostly agrees about the same in me. I think this is an issue of bad timing and the resultant malaise. My most realistic sentiment is just to take it one day at a time and make myself the best i can. It is in my nature to look forward to the future and to be hopeful about it. Just looking for some perspective. Thanks for reading all of this, I know its a lot.

Edited September 24, 2011 by bleepblorp

[Viking]

You might also try throwing this in the breakup section, there could be some advice people there could give you.

 

But, in reality, there is a lot going on here, but we still need some details. How old are you and her?

 

Before she left, you should have been getting closer with each other. She should have been more affectionate and passionate about the time, sex and activities you were doing together. When a girl, in my experience, is getting ready to break up with you, she will distance herself not only emotionally, but physically. If she wanted it to work out for you guys, she would have been much more supportive of you and trying to find ways for your relationship to work. Long distance isn't easy, I am not experienced really either, as my gf has been away for only a month, but we have a mindset that helps it and makes it easier. Your ex left with the mindset that she doesn't want anything long term, and that she didn't really want to try to make it long term and long distance.

 

My gf asked me questions about what I plan on doing if she wants to go to grad school abroad after she finishes her undergrad. She is also studying in Asia and it makes me anxious to no end when she starts thinking about what I plan on doing as it stresses her out to try to plan for two people.

 

As far as your stressing and worrying, and it eventually stressing and worrying your gf, yeah, I do that too. The best thing to do is sit down and write out your concerns, stresses and worries and then rationally and logically work through them and come up with how each of them can be mitigated/worked through WITHOUT her. Try not to involve her in any of your stress and worry as she is already abroad, in a new land, with new people and a language that she is going to have to get immersed in. She doesn't need more to worry about. I have done this in the past and it NEVER ends well or even close to well.

 

On another note, if you can reconcile/makeup and find your way over there to teach English (only do this if you are officially back together and she actually wants you there and wants to be with you), you will probably have a blast! I am going to be teaching English in the same city as my GF is going to the University. There was no way I was going to wait a year to see her, so I made my own plan. Although, I will have a teaching certificate. I have been working on it since before I met my GF though.

 

Best of luck, try not to think about the other guys. It will only add to the anxiety, stress and worry. If you can, go out on dates and get a feel for other girls before you decide whether or not this other girl clicks with you. I thought my last GF was "the one" as we clicked. Well, come to find out, I click with a lot of other girls. Just gotta find one that doesn't mind being involved, even if the distance is massive.

 

What is the timezone difference for you? Good luck.

[bleepblorp]

I'm 21 shes 22. We were very affectionate and we did do things more before she left. She said that she wasn't interested in sex until the last few days when she was and though it upset me I know this was an emotionally confusing time for her. She went from wanting to be with me indefinitely to really evaluating our relationship rationally rather than emotionally. I plan and think very emotionally because I feel love and companionship enriches life just as much as education and occupation. I think we differ in that regard. I can be okay with that, its just watching her pack condoms that was disturbing. She says now that she doesn't know what she wants. She thinks she wants to be with other people. I don't think she has decided whether or not she would want long distance when she comes back. Maybe this will be a time where she finds whats she wants. It will certainly be a time where both of us grow. I might even change.

 

I'm really not one to believe in astrology, I've found them silly though really looking at our relationship, it is the classic clash of cancer (me) and gemini (her) its kind of absurd how spot on it is.

 

As far as me teaching english, I would love the opportunity and I've thought about teaching though not as a permanent career. Really, I want to travel and it'd be a nice way to do it. I have a lease on a house that ends August and then I'm either going to the west coast of florida to do school with or without her, staying here and doing school, or touring with my band. After her last year is up, if we are together I might go to china/japan to teach and do grad school with her. We've also talked about her staying in FL while I finish up school which would be another semester or two. Upon looking at all of this, it seems very likely that we will go separate ways. I am willing to make drastic changes in my life as well as take on new adventures to be with her. It seems she isn't right now. Maybe after this trip she will? Its doubtful and I really would prefer to be with someone who would do the same for me. We've also talked about playing music together because she really wants to be a career musician and she is great enough to do it. We share a similar musical vision and I do see it as something that could bring us together. It is how we met, I played on one of her albums. It could work again. Or maybe we'll find people who will love us even more. There is a 12 hour time difference.