Namaste2day Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 I have been reading through threads for the past few weeks for advice, and decided to share my story for personal advice. Today is day 28 of my break up. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6.5 years; started out as best friends (we were neighbors), then began dating. We went to college together, but lived separately. When we graduated college we moved back to the same town we lived in, I got my own place, he stayed with his parents. We were both blessed to find jobs in our field of study. This year we started talking more seriously about marriage, and children. We even picked out names. We were sharing with our families the plans that we had to have a destination wedding and looked at rings. I thought...everything was perfect. My fairytale story of marrying my high school sweetheart. He felt differently. 3 years ago we broke up while in college he broke up with me saying he wasn't ready for a committed relationship, he wanted freedom to be on his own in college, and thought we should separate to be individuals.I cried and cried, sat outside his apartment for the night crying...we got back together the next day. Last year, he broke up with me saying a very similar story, but added that he fell out of love with me. Again I was devastated. He worded it that he wanted a "break". I was able to manipulate the situation, and agree to the break, but the break was only about us and we would not talk to or date other people, we would focus on ourselves. We even entered into therapy together. Things were wonderful. Until the break didn't seem like it was progressing our relationship, so the therapist recommended I give him a date to make a move by. I did. He waiting until that date (which was 4 months after initiating the break) and said, "I would prefer to have this break go through the summer, but since your threatening that I wont see you anymore, I guess we can get back together." I should have seen that red flag, but didn't and accepted us being together. Over the past year we did a few therapy sessions, and promised transparency and communication in our relationship. I followed through, asking often, "are you happy?" "how do you feel?" or expressing my concerns for when I wasn't happy. We were right on track....I thought. During a car ride home from an overnight stay with family, I woke up and started to unpack the car. I was on the couch when he came inside, and the first thing I heard was, "babe I am breaking up with you." I laughed thinking it was a joke, then stopped laughing when I noticed his face didn't change. He said, "I fell out of love and I don't think we are meant to be." He admitted that a few days prior he had taken a girl he met a year ago on a date and kissed her. That was when he realized that he wasn't in love with me. Furthermore, when we broke up last year...he broke up with me for a friend that I always suspected they had inappropriate boundaries with. He admitted they began talking and she said to break up with me and she will be with him. He broke up with me, she backed out on her being with him, and he came back to me. I begged, pleaded, cried, yelled, nothing...he left saying he would be in touch. I was in shock COMPLETE shock. What about transparency?? What about communication?? All those therapy sessions??? We were planning a destination wedding, had already told family about it. WE had a Realtor and were looking at houses??? Devastated isn't the word. His family is confused, I am confused, my family is confused. I don't have friends...always had a very small circle, he is surrounded by friends and seems to be having the time of his life partying. Granted he is 25 and says he wants to feel freedom, and see what life is like without me. He posts on facebook and twitter about all his parties, he seems carefree. You would have no idea he just left a 6.5 year relationship. My downfall is, he was my life. Our families are VERY connected...and I am the Godmother to his niece. They are my family...I love them all so much. I feel lost, hurt, and confused. We talk on a daily basis, he is friendly. But that's just it...he wants to be "friends" I can't right now, but I am not strong enough to walk away. I can't do no contact...I would be so lonely. He says that he isn't completely against the idea of getting back together in the future, but doesn't want a relationship right now. I asked if he was still seeing that girl he went on a date with, he said no. I asked why he said, she was just a distraction and she is the complete opposite of you. He comes to the house once a week, we watch tv and talk. But it ends with me hysterically crying as he closes the door to leave. A little background on him...the week we broke up he got a job making oodles more than before, he got a brand new car, his invisalign came off, and he became too much for even himself. His ego has never been bigger. Any Advice?? I just want to be happy again. I want to have my old life back.
ken_25 Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 I am very sorry that you are going through this. This guy broke up with you over and over, how many more times do you want this to happen? The best thing to do, is go no contact. Anything that is his, give it back, have someone take it to him, whatever you have to do so he doesn't come around. You need to be apart from him and heal your incredibly deep wound. This will probably be the hardest thing you've had to do in your life. I don't know either of you, but you probably deserve a lot better than to get broken up with repeatedly, especially when he involves another woman. There are many people on this site that will be able to offer a lot more help than me, but a few things that will really help are going no contact, writing down your feelings and hanging out with friends and family who are supportive and reliable. Understand that this will be very difficult, and time WILL heal you, but keeping him around by hanging out or talking, will delay all progress you could be making. We're all here to help, write as often as you must, just stay away from him right now.
silly_panda Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 It's not easy to let go a 6.5years relationship... I am sorry you have to go through this... But we just can't change someone's heart or feelings for us... We just have to let it go if the other person doesn't feel the same way as we do... The good news is... If you wanna be happy and wanna have your life back... It's easy (if you do it the rite way)... The answer is all within you... No one can make you happy other than yourself... No one can take your life away from you... It's all within you control... The problem now is that are you willing to accept the fact that he is gone and move on with your life..? The quicker you get out of the denial phase, the quicker you could move on...
Author Namaste2day Posted September 24, 2011 Author Posted September 24, 2011 That's where I fumble. I can't seem to accept that it is over. He was my best friend and boyfriend all balled up. I feel like I have lost everything, and it's almost too much to handle, so I give false hope that he will coming running through the front door every night. I hate how much I love him.
Lucio Posted September 25, 2011 Posted September 25, 2011 6.5 years can be hard to detach. Emotions aside, memories alone are enough to flood u for a very long time... I suggest doing something small for urself each day. For e.g. If u find urself looking at the door every 5 mins, maybe tune in the tv n watch ur favorite cartoon. Take 30 mins for urself. It works better for me if it's something I liked but haven't done in a long time. Like spongebob. After that u can come back n mope for a while n repeat, just w longer duration on urself n less on thinking abt him w each iteration. After sometime u'd be in what they call LC n eventually NC.. But it doesn't really matter if u've managed to find yourself back. The hardest part abt a breakup is abt finding the you without him/her. I'm working on it too.
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