Daremo_06 Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 I had started originally in the break-up forum.. and I have a question about making up... Here is my story up till now, sorry its a bit long.. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t296070/ My question is, being the guy, can I take the position of not taking no for an answer. Not to the ridiculous extreme obviously where you get into stalking ect ect, but just saying... "I want you in my life as my partner, friend, wife, (whichever applies) and sticking to being focused on that? I imagine its easy to overplay? suggestions thoughts? Seeing her tonight and we have not talked about things since sat night where I said we can talk about it in the near future. thanks!
jordjones Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 I'm sure that you have heard of push-pull theory. Men and women want what they can't have. You don't have to go no contact, but by forcing yourself into her life, and letting her know your intentions so openly, your chances of reconciliation, in all likelihood, are decreased IMHO. I would recommend reading Ex2 System, The Magic of Making Up, and/or Attraction Isn't a Choice. Each of these offers some great advice, but the overwhelming theme is that you can't force feelings. However, you can maximize your chances of sparking them again. And the way to do that, is to play it cool.
Author Daremo_06 Posted September 24, 2011 Author Posted September 24, 2011 Thanks for the response... I have read some material already and about going minimal contact...which i can do.. whats killing me is the limbo that I am in...thats whats hard...
The_Good_Me Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 I bought the magic of making up during my seriously depressed stage and read it a few times. At first it all seemed good but then it hit me... I actually really care about my ex and I do not want to and should not use psychological tricks to get her back. The basic concept is pretty straight forward, go NC for a month, work on the things that you did to contribute to the break up, alter your appearance towards the kind of person your ex is attracted to and then try and get together for a coffee / light lunch / other small meeting, play it cool etc etc etc. That bit all seemed fine to me but then it went onto using things such as the fake "brushing the eyelash off their face" and other psychological mind tricks. It also recommended dating other people which I think some people can stomach, but I personally could not even dream of being with another woman, not even for a simple date. I am definitely not the kind of guy to use a woman to make someone else jealous! These kinds of things are more than likely great at getting your ex back or at least improve your chances greatly. It isn't, however, in my mind a solid foundation to getting lasting results with your ex as it's all mind games to get them back. This is why they can advertise such high % success rates at getting your ex back. I imagine the figures for couples that stay together after that are much different. The book, in fairness, does give you pointers on how to keep your ex once you get them back but it's all common knowledge stuff and isn't going to stop your partner leaving you again once the honeymoon period is over. It's just a way to get your ex back quickly which we all want in the early stages of the break up. That's why I handed over $30 anyway... The way I saw everything after reading the book was that my ex chose to leave me for whatever reason and I have to accept it. I realised that if I were to have a 2nd chance with her, I want it to be because she wants to be with me again, not because I have tricked her mind into thinking it. She is a human being and she is free to do whatever she feels is best for her. I am not going to try and control her, and so I wrote her a letter telling her that I accepted the break up, told her I loved her, that the last act of love I could give her was to let her go and I would no longer persue her. Since that day I have been NC which is now nearly 5 months. I have kept my word to her and I feel like a good person for doing so. It obviously isn't the best way to get my ex back, I just felt it was the right thing to do for her because I love her so much. I still long for the phone call or unannounced visit but I constantly tell myself it is never going to happen (this helps me keep NC and move on with my life as hope did nothing but hold me back!). Every day she isn't contacting me, to me says she is doing the best thing for herself, and if she does contact me, then I hope she does so because she feels that it is the best thing for her. If we got back together from her wanting to be with me again as much as I want to be with her, I believe we can make a real go of it. Sorry if I put a downer on things, this is just my opinion on reconciliation as I believe quick fixes are not the best way to a lasting 2nd chance.
Author Daremo_06 Posted September 24, 2011 Author Posted September 24, 2011 Not a downer at all. I have been somewhat skeptical of the hard core NC and even had a friend of my ex tell me last night to do MINIMAL contact but not NC. Thanks everyone... wish me luck tonight.. we are going to dinner and a play. dont know if relationship issues will be brought up, or if it will stay light and casual.
The_Good_Me Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 You have a right to be skeptical of hardcore NC in that respect. It really isn't the way to get an ex back and shouldn't be used as such. NC is a way for you to heal from the break up. Granted it does work for some people but it should be approached as a way to heal. From the sounds of it, LC is the right thing for your situation at the moment and I wish you the best of luck tonight and in the future. I only initiated hardcore NC once I realised that fighting for her wasn't going to work. I urge you to only do NC if you come to the same realisation as it really is the best way to heal. I sincerely hope you don't need to use it as it's extremely painful.
Author Daremo_06 Posted September 25, 2011 Author Posted September 25, 2011 Well, dinner was good, though not as good as I hoped. She has discovered she has a hard time being alone and she wants to work through that, and through some other things about her past from her father who was abusive. I know what being alone is like and its a major suck going through that phase till your comfortable being alone. Going through it again now sort of. I told her I would put my feelings on the back burner for now and be there when she needs me. I asked to her tell me up front when she needs space and we agreed to revisit the relationship issues before either of us moves on to anyone else. So what seemed like a simple problem caused by my lack of attention at home has turned out to be much more complex. Just got off the phone with a friend who asked how long will I put my stuff on the back burner and I didn't have an answer, so I think I am going to ask her if we can sit down at dinner in say 2 months and see where things are at. (if things don't change sooner) And while I will be available to her for anything big, I think I am going to follow the suggestion of her friend and make myself minimally available as well. sigh... At least I have started going back over all the relationship books and things that I have worked on in the past and let slide.
jordjones Posted September 25, 2011 Posted September 25, 2011 I think that when you have dinner with her and/or speak with her in the future, you should not be so open about your feelings. If you ever get back together with your ex, it should be a brand new relationship, not a continuation of your old relationship. Let your old relationship die, and approach interactions with your ex more as you would on a first date - tease her, be fun, be cocky, be the guy she fell in love with long ago. After a period of significant NC or LC, you must make her wonder if you have the same feelings for her. When women know exactly where your feelings stand, they are generally less attracted to you - this is true even in relationships on good terms. By not holding your emotions on your sleeves, she will be forced not wonder where your feelings are. This aura of mystery will work in your favor unequivocally.
Author Daremo_06 Posted September 25, 2011 Author Posted September 25, 2011 I think that when you have dinner with her and/or speak with her in the future, you should not be so open about your feelings. If you ever get back together with your ex, it should be a brand new relationship, not a continuation of your old relationship. Let your old relationship die, and approach interactions with your ex more as you would on a first date - tease her, be fun, be cocky, be the guy she fell in love with long ago. After a period of significant NC or LC, you must make her wonder if you have the same feelings for her. When women know exactly where your feelings stand, they are generally less attracted to you - this is true even in relationships on good terms. By not holding your emotions on your sleeves, she will be forced not wonder where your feelings are. This aura of mystery will work in your favor unequivocally. Thank you Jord, this is the first time I have had the nc/lc explained in this way. Makes a huge amount of sense. Have to say though letting my feelings for her die, well, that just f'ing sucks to think about. Not saying I disagree with you, its just scary. Unless what your saying is let the relationship die, not necessarily my feelings, and build a new one if and when the time is right? Thanks again though. Rob
jordjones Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 Let the relationship die by giving each other space through no contact for a decent amount of time (1-2 months). In this time, she may date others; you should actively pursue other women, even if you don't want to. The goal of this period for you is to gain perspective on yourself and the old, dead relationship, so that you can implement what you learn in future relationships, either with your ex or someone new. Feelings are emotions that cannot be changed in the moment - they are there no matter what. You can neither do anything about the way you feel in the moment just as you can't change the way she feels in the moment. However, you can influence your feelings with time. The one thing that the time apart will give you is greater control over your emotions, which is something you will need if she is to grow feelings for you in the future.
jordjones Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 Let the relationship die by giving each other space through no contact for a decent amount of time (1-2 months). In this time, she may date others; you should actively pursue other women, even if you don't want to. The goal of this period for you is to gain perspective on yourself and the old, dead relationship, so that you can implement what you learn in future relationships, either with your ex or someone new. Feelings are emotions that cannot be changed in the moment - they are there no matter what. You can neither do anything about the way you feel in the moment just as you can't change the way she feels in the moment. However, you can influence your feelings with time. The one thing that the time apart will give you is greater control over your emotions, which is something you will need if she is to grow feelings for you in the future.
LelouchIsZero Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 If you're interested in the book that "The_Good_Me" is talking about, here's some links to it. http://www.magicofmakingup.com/2008dld/TheMagicOfMakingUp.pdf http://www.magicofmakingup.com/2008dld/MindMagic.pdf http://www.magicofmakingup.com/2008dld/TheCleanSlateMethod.pdf http://www.getexback.net/download/ The 4th link is to another "Ex recovery" type of book.
ChelleBelle Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 Hi Jordjones, Some great advise here. But I can't see how Rob going NC or substantially reducing his time with his X, when he has made arrangements to go on holiday with his X in November, is going to help? It will be hard to let the relationship die during such a small time frame. If she is using him as an emotional crutch, whilst she deals with her issues, she will always keep the upper hand until the holiday. That means she will be calling him on small issues or excuses to keep emotional control prior to this date. Clearly, she does not like to be alone and maybe somewhat needy. This is going to be so hard for Rob. Ideally, the holiday should be 'called off' until she has sorted her emotions out and a holiday arranged at a later date for the new relationship concept but sadly it looks like this will not happen. Unless Rob can make a strong stand and follow your advise to the letter regarding going out, poss dating, little or no contact with X I can't see her doing a turn around in so short a time frame. Fab advise though.
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