his way of saying its over?

[missy268]

It's been a very long emotional week

 

quick background ive been having an affair with my best friend who i met at work 18 months ago - he says he isnt happy with his girlfriend and couldn't move out until they had been on holiday together - they have been back a week and nothing is happening - no signs of moving out -

 

Decided to give my guy the benefit of the doubt, and i saw him on tuesday and it was so hard we slept together , inevitable that we would because of the chemistry between us

 

He's hardly been in touch all week - so today i text him and he told me he needs time to get stuff sorted to move out, things are very hard and stressful at the moment - my head is saying don't believe him, but my heart believes him

 

So i said to him i will give you some space to figure this out, but im here for him regardless of what happens

 

Im not feeling very strong at the moment, feeling very weak and i know if he turned up at my door right now, i know what would happen but i cant carry on like this

 

Was this is way of saying i'm not leaving and we're just friends its over?

 

I'm giving him the space no matter what its just i need to sort my head out im all over the place!!

 

hurts because i know i could make him happy! but i dont know, kind of wished i never would of got involved , i know if he turned up and said he had left her, id want to be with him

 

I've not text him back since he last text, feel strong for putting the "space" there im sure by tomorrow morning ill be crumbling again, but i need to do this for me as its taking over my life! i want me back!!

 

xxx

[wannabdone]

It's been a very long emotional week

 

quick background ive been having an affair with my best friend who i met at work 18 months ago - he says he isnt happy with his girlfriend and couldn't move out until they had been on holiday together - they have been back a week and nothing is happening - no signs of moving out -

 

Decided to give my guy the benefit of the doubt, and i saw him on tuesday and it was so hard we slept together , inevitable that we would because of the chemistry between us

 

He's hardly been in touch all week - so today i text him and he told me he needs time to get stuff sorted to move out, things are very hard and stressful at the moment - my head is saying don't believe him, but my heart believes him

 

So i said to him i will give you some space to figure this out, but im here for him regardless of what happens

 

Im not feeling very strong at the moment, feeling very weak and i know if he turned up at my door right now, i know what would happen but i cant carry on like this

 

Was this is way of saying i'm not leaving and we're just friends its over?

 

I'm giving him the space no matter what its just i need to sort my head out im all over the place!!

 

hurts because i know i could make him happy! but i dont know, kind of wished i never would of got involved , i know if he turned up and said he had left her, id want to be with him

 

I've not text him back since he last text, feel strong for putting the "space" there im sure by tomorrow morning ill be crumbling again, but i need to do this for me as its taking over my life! i want me back!!

 

xxx

 

 

First of Missy, I'm so sorry you are hurting. (((((hugs))))). Secondly, I'm not quite sure about just having a live in GF, I am assuming that it would be very close to being M, but a lot easier since there isn't actually D that has to be had.

 

Personally, he seems to be playing a very hurtful game. Going on Holiday with his GF....all the while she thinks things are great. And telling you things to keep you hanging on. Very, Very SELFISH man, is what I see.

 

I think his "need space" is just a typical response from a selfish, cowardly man who wants to not let go of you completely, but isn't settled on leaving any time soon.

 

I know its hard when I say this....but you can't concentrate on him. (again I KNOW how difficult that is), he has given you through his actions what he is doing. He came over and slept with you, and didn't contact you. EVERYONE knows above the age of 16 that is degrading. He knew that would hurt you, and he chose to do it any ways. WORRY ABOUT YOU!! You are what matters. He certainly isn't worring about you.....so who is? That has to be your job. Just keep saying to yourself.... I DESERVE MORE THAN THIS!!!! Becasue you do!!!! You deserve the BEST!!!!

If he contacts you again, giving you another thread of hope, because he will worry you will move on. Respond to him with this simple phrase "You can have ALL of me, or NONE of me...those are your options".

 

Stand up for you. Because YOU are the only person that show people how to treat you. He will not respect you if you don't respect yourself.

 

I know you already know all of this. The most important thing is you really have to start believing in yourself, and believing in how beautiful and wonderful you are!!! I don't even know you and I believe in you. You can do this. This too shall pass!!!!

[wannabdone]

I have never heard of a couple going on holiday to break up. I have heard of many couples going on holiday to reconcile, though.

 

He may be wanting space from you to try to work it out with his GF. I'm not sure why you would want to be friends and more with someone that cheats on his GF.

 

Glinda... I think that the holiday was his excuse for why he couldn't break it off with the GF. After that, he would. You know... the $, etc. excuses. And since the holiday, he didn't.

 

No one of course wants a man who cheats, but when emotions are so strong, our thoughts get clouded. I think thats whats going on with Missy. I think her best thing to do is to step back so she can see things clearier. And probably some IC, that never hurts anyone.

[MissBee]

It's been a very long emotional week

 

quick background ive been having an affair with my best friend who i met at work 18 months ago - he says he isnt happy with his girlfriend and couldn't move out until they had been on holiday together - they have been back a week and nothing is happening - no signs of moving out -

 

Decided to give my guy the benefit of the doubt, and i saw him on tuesday and it was so hard we slept together , inevitable that we would because of the chemistry between us

 

He's hardly been in touch all week - so today i text him and he told me he needs time to get stuff sorted to move out, things are very hard and stressful at the moment - my head is saying don't believe him, but my heart believes him

 

So i said to him i will give you some space to figure this out, but im here for him regardless of what happens

 

Im not feeling very strong at the moment, feeling very weak and i know if he turned up at my door right now, i know what would happen but i cant carry on like this

 

Was this is way of saying i'm not leaving and we're just friends its over?

 

I'm giving him the space no matter what its just i need to sort my head out im all over the place!!

hurts because i know i could make him happy! but i dont know, kind of wished i never would of got involved , i know if he turned up and said he had left her, id want to be with him

 

I've not text him back since he last text, feel strong for putting the "space" there im sure by tomorrow morning ill be crumbling again, but i need to do this for me as its taking over my life! i want me back!!

 

xxx

 

I think you're being smart by giving him space....

 

I think your intuition is telling you something.

 

I thought it was interesting that you said you know you could make him happy...I have a problem with that kind of thinking. That's not your job and believe me, when people are having As and saying their significant other is responsible for their unhappiness and their AP believes that they can save the day and "make" them happy...you can't. Often times their discontent is not about any external person, but they just pass it off on those around them, and you may "make" them happy now but eventually they may start blaming their unhappiness on you too.

 

I could further dissect some of the stuff you've said about the situation that raise red flags but I am confident that you yourself are aware of things that just don't sit right, hence your posting, hence your conflict and you do realize that living your life in limbo for his decision is no way to live....give him ALL the space he needs. He KNOWS the deal. He KNOWS what he told you and it is up to him to keep his word without you doing anything more. A man ready and willing and wanting to be with you will keep his word and keep you updated. A man who is wavering or is not being honest will likely try to avoid, delay and push you away.....

[2sunny]

Was this is way of saying i'm not leaving and we're just friends its over?

 

his way of saying "i'm staying with my girlfriend and you need to stay in the position as my OW"

 

his actions blatantly tell you he's not leaving her - he's unavailable - but he wants you for extra sex.

 

do not be THAT gal for him! you deserve more than that!

 

he's offering you nothing! and you aren't likely to be "available mentally, physically and emotionally" for another man who IS available to you - until you get this guy out of your life and out of your mind!

 

it's up to you... he's offered you nothing - and you definitely deserve more than nothing!

 

IF he intended to leave her - he would have! but he hasn't. his actions tell you everything his words won't say.

 

when it's right and good - you will never feel as though you settled!

[wannabdone]

How many people do you know that have spent the money to go on holiday with someone they find insufferable?

 

So many OW set themselves up to be played as fools. Open your eyes, ladies!

 

 

Oh no... I SEE what it is... I'm just saying what she see's with the rose tinted glasses on.

 

Yes, NO ONE with zero children plans holiday together....with one person they can not stand.

[missy268]

the holiday was booked in December last year

 

it wasnt a recently booked thing

 

but i dont have any rose tinted glasses on, i didnt want him to go and apparently he didnt want to go but i knew when he came to see me the day before they went that was it, when he got back, they would be happy- even though he told me today things are bad at home - but he would move out surely if they were

 

I wont be living in hope ive got my own life to lead! I know with his actions to push me away, he is staying!

 

but it is all or nothing now! and im getting nothing, but sex lol and i dont want to be that kind of person!

 

thank you for all your advice! xx

[Lucky_One]

Sex is NOT inevitable. If it was, then you would have sex on your desk with him in front of your entire office, in the booth at McD's, and on the subway.

 

Don't blame your lack of self-control on "inevitability". You CAN control yourself.

 

And so...as a trial...why don't you actually NOT have sex with him the next few times that you are alone. See what matters to him, see what his reaction is, see if he comes around more or less.

[missy268]

Thank you

 

Ive actualy told him not to come over - but i know he will because any boundary i set he likes to break

 

when i lived with my ex after we split up, it was 2 months before we moved out so surely just because he hasnt done it a week after the holiday doesnt mean he wont all together , i know that sounds like im waiting but im not im just trying to make it not hurt less

 

xx

[Lucky_One]

And it is ok with you that he breaks every boundary with you?

 

I am guessing that he is pretty secure that you won't break up if he doesn't leave his GF. He feels pretty secure that you will continue to let him into your place, you will continue to have sex with him, you will continue to allow him to have limited contact/full intimacy regardless of his behaviors.

 

Girl - enforce your own boundaries. Someone on LS has a quote by Picasso on their signature line. "There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats." Which one are you now? Which one do you want to be in your future? Which one would make you proud?

[missy268]

As from today they are fully enforced!!

 

I think i got lost in the "romance" if you like

 

but i honestly dont deserve to be treated like a doormat, and i will no longer put up with it

 

I am not a sex object nor will i be treated like one!

 

hes either played a very good game, or he means it, but i guess time will tell - well its already telling isnt it, hes kept his distance from me since hes been back off his holidays!

 

xx

[wannabdone]

the holiday was booked in December last year

 

it wasnt a recently booked thing

 

but i dont have any rose tinted glasses on, i didnt want him to go and apparently he didnt want to go but i knew when he came to see me the day before they went that was it, when he got back, they would be happy- even though he told me today things are bad at home - but he would move out surely if they were

 

I wont be living in hope ive got my own life to lead! I know with his actions to push me away, he is staying!

 

but it is all or nothing now! and im getting nothing, but sex lol and i dont want to be that kind of person!

 

thank you for all your advice! xx

 

 

I know the holiday was booked long ago. I remember that from another post, I think. I wasn't saying your rose tinted glasses weren't coming off. So, if that seemed what I was saying, I'm sorry. I was just explaining to someone that sometimes it seems to be so b/w, but when we are involved or in the middle of the storm, we can't see things clearly. You know love does have the way of putting those rose tinted glasses on us.

 

I'm glad your finding your strength and clarity. But, remember....its still going to hurt like heck. Its hard. Just be prepared for that, but know once you get through this you will be such a STRONG person.

 

I am proud of what you are doing. And I still am so sorry for the hurt you are feeling.

[wannabdone]

As from today they are fully enforced!!

 

I think i got lost in the "romance" if you like

 

but i honestly dont deserve to be treated like a doormat, and i will no longer put up with it

 

I am not a sex object nor will i be treated like one!

 

hes either played a very good game, or he means it, but i guess time will tell - well its already telling isnt it, hes kept his distance from me since hes been back off his holidays!

 

xx

 

 

GOOD FOR YOU, DOLL!!!!! You show him how much better you are....way too good for him!!!

 

You can always get sex somewhere else. So, not a huge loss there!!!!

[MissBee]

How many people do you know that have spent the money to go on holiday with someone they find insufferable?

 

So many OW set themselves up to be played as fools. Open your eyes, ladies!

 

Yepps...

 

I think a lot of times we truly engage in a suspension of disbelief in some relationship scenarios. With any other thing OR if it were not your situation and someone else telling you about it, you would know good and darn well 1 + 1 was not adding up to 2....but for some reason we get 11 and it makes perfect sense to us!

[wannabdone]

Yepps...

 

I think a lot of times we truly engage in a suspension of disbelief in some relationship scenarios. With any other thing OR if it were not your situation and someone else telling you about it, you would know good and darn well 1 + 1 was not adding up to 2....but for some reason we get 11 and it makes perfect sense to us!

 

 

Agreed!!

 

JC on a bike... I can have a masters degree, but I could never see how my xMM's stories didn't add up. I will never understand what came over me. Good lord.

[MissBee]

Agreed!!

 

JC on a bike... I can have a masters degree, but I could never see how my xMM's stories didn't add up. I will never understand what came over me. Good lord.

 

Yep, education and intelligence aren't a match for delusion

 

It truly takes a knowing of one's self, an honesty with one's self foremost and just being emotionally mature and intuitive to see and also act. I don't think that it's a case where we are completely blind a lot of the time; it's that we actually do see the truth but choose to re-explain it to ourselves in a way that is better than the reality.

 

If you read most people's stories...you see them saying the truth in there somewhere, then in a few later lines they re-explain that truth to be something different and rationalize, justify, minimize. It's like looking at a picture of a cat, saying it's a cat then 10 lines later you explain how it is in fact a lion LOL!

[missy268]

I don't think that it's a case where we are completely blind a lot of the time; it's that we actually do see the truth but choose to re-explain it to ourselves in a way that is better than the reality.

 

I agree with you MissBee

 

this guy being one of my best friends i didnt want to believe he could hurt me like this, and i thought he really did want to be with me properly, as he has been chasing me for a year and a half - i thought the way we met, the intense chemistry between us, and the fact that everybody we came accross thought we were a couple - like when new people started at work within a few shifts, they would ask one of us if we are a couple, and he told our new manager "I dont mind people thinking Missy is my girlfriend , but as long as my girlfriend doesn't find out people think that"

 

I thought that was sweet - now thinking back, im like woah you can't have the best of both worlds

 

Im angry with him today - i went to see some friends last night - they got together and that was an affair situation and it worked out for them, SHE left her partner and got with the guy she had been seeing behind his back for a year - and he was telling me last night how he didnt believe her, and said give him the benefit of the doubt , he said give him a month, and see what happens......im tempted because a month isnt a long time - but why wait another month when i can start moving on today?? I dont want to hurt anymore, sit by the phone anymore waiting for a text, or a call, or a knock on the door!

 

He still went home to her last night after work and slept next to her and hes woke up next to her this morning - and he will go back home to her after work tonight, if it was me he wanted, he would be coming home to me!

 

Finally, im waking up! but deep down, ive always known!! x