petal28 Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 To the women who have dated "emotionally immature" men, what have been the pros (if any)/cons of your r'ship? Did it work? Can it work? If so, for how long. If you broke up, what was the reason? Did you see them "mature" through the r'ship. I would like to hear any of your experiences. Link to post Share on other sites
maylis Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 To the women who have dated "emotionally immature" men, what have been the pros (if any)/cons of your r'ship? Did it work? Can it work? If so, for how long. If you broke up, what was the reason? Did you see them "mature" through the r'ship. I would like to hear any of your experiences. I dated a guy like this, he was emotionally immature as a result of his anxiety problems. We dated for less than two months, and I was his longest girlfriend. He broke up with all of us because he gets scared at the cause of his anxiety problems. I still can't get him out of my mind, he's a wonderful person and I miss him a lot. I think its possible to date someone like this sure, I mean I suppose it depends what it is, why it is etc etc. They have to be willing to try to work through things though too. Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 In my own case, we matured together, just at a different pace. We ended because he re-connected with a former girlfriend and married her. We remain in contact as business associates. At the age I am now, I wouldn't want to do it again. Knowing oneself and being able to communicate one's emotions are very important skills and being emotionally immature can inhibit those skills, which has the potential to cause a world of hurt for that person's partner, as in my case. But that's my experience with an emotionally immature man, doesn't mean that yours or anyone else's will play out in the same way. It just didn't work out for me in that relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 What does "emotionally immature" mean? I can't help but see it as a value judgement, one that perhaps only means that you two aren't emotionally compatible. You're dissatisfied with the relationship, but hoping to find reasons to stay, ie, that the problem isn't compatibility, the problem is him, who is "emotionally immature". Therefore you can stay in the relationship and hope that he one days matures to be the man you want. My recommendation? Don't stay in a relationship that isn't good in the here and now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author petal28 Posted September 24, 2011 Author Share Posted September 24, 2011 In my own case, we matured together, just at a different pace. We ended because he re-connected with a former girlfriend and married her. We remain in contact as business associates. At the age I am now, I wouldn't want to do it again. Knowing oneself and being able to communicate one's emotions are very important skills and being emotionally immature can inhibit those skills, which has the potential to cause a world of hurt for that person's partner, as in my case. But that's my experience with an emotionally immature man, doesn't mean that yours or anyone else's will play out in the same way. It just didn't work out for me in that relationship. Was his lack of communication a big issue in your previous r'ship? I'm in a situation where i am trying to decide on whether to get serious with a guy who i know is emotionally immature but is a good person in general. A few things about this guy is that 1. he is not good at communicating to me when he is angry with me (he has used passive aggressive tactics) 2. he tries to avoid serious discussion 3. he gets angry/frustrated with me about things which i have trouble understanding why he is angry about them in the first place i.e. to me they seem like trivial things to get angry about but they seem to bother him. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 Was his lack of communication a big issue in your previous r'ship? I'm in a situation where i am trying to decide on whether to get serious with a guy who i know is emotionally immature but is a good person in general. A few things about this guy is that 1. he is not good at communicating to me when he is angry with me (he has used passive aggressive tactics) 2. he tries to avoid serious discussion 3. he gets angry/frustrated with me about things which i have trouble understanding why he is angry about them in the first place i.e. to me they seem like trivial things to get angry about but they seem to bother him. I repeat, to me this sounds more like a case of incompatibility than a case of "emotional immaturity". You cannot decide for him what his level of maturity is or how he should handle issues. That would only lead to a relationship with a lot of embedded control issues. Either you accept that this is who he is, and don't judge it as "maturity" or "immaturity" or you decide that his emotional style isn't compatible with yours and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Jynxx Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 What does "emotionally immature" mean? I can't help but see it as a value judgement, one that perhaps only means that you two aren't emotionally compatible. You're dissatisfied with the relationship, but hoping to find reasons to stay, ie, that the problem isn't compatibility, the problem is him, who is "emotionally immature". Therefore you can stay in the relationship and hope that he one days matures to be the man you want. My recommendation? Don't stay in a relationship that isn't good in the here and now. Spot on. 10 char Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 Was his lack of communication a big issue in your previous r'ship? I'm in a situation where i am trying to decide on whether to get serious with a guy who i know is emotionally immature but is a good person in general. A few things about this guy is that 1. he is not good at communicating to me when he is angry with me (he has used passive aggressive tactics) 2. he tries to avoid serious discussion 3. he gets angry/frustrated with me about things which i have trouble understanding why he is angry about them in the first place i.e. to me they seem like trivial things to get angry about but they seem to bother him. Yes, it was. I realised that our communication styles were different. He tended to bury his with me, made a joke out of any serious relationship discussion I tried to have with him. And later, I found out that he was confiding in his PA about our relationship. Otherwise, for all intents and purposes, he was also a 'good' person but good people can still hurt others because of relationship incompetency rather than malicious intent. Your guy may mature into a guy that you want but I agree with Kamille that your current emotional styles don't sound compatible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author petal28 Posted September 24, 2011 Author Share Posted September 24, 2011 Yes, it was. I realised that our communication styles were different. He tended to bury his with me, made a joke out of any serious relationship discussion I tried to have with him. And later, I found out that he was confiding in his PA about our relationship. Otherwise, for all intents and purposes, he was also a 'good' person but good people can still hurt others because of relationship incompetency rather than malicious intent. Your guy may mature into a guy that you want but I agree with Kamille that your current emotional styles don't sound compatible. Thanks to all the comments so far. It's given me a better undertanding of what's going on and also leading to its acceptance of what Kamille has stated. Like you said January, i also found the same thing i.e. making jokes about serious issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Fondue Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 What does "emotionally immature" mean, exactly? I would very much like to know. Link to post Share on other sites
runner Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 What does "emotionally immature" mean, exactly? I would very much like to know. there are a whole range of examples. one of them is what petal just highlighted above. or like what was mentioned eariler about not communicating anger and disapproval, and acting passive-aggressive. Link to post Share on other sites
El Brujo Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 What does "emotionally immature" mean, exactly? I would very much like to know. I think this thread is supposed to be about men who act like they never grew up and still act like teenagers. The type of men we call Peter Pan. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 or like what was mentioned eariler about not communicating anger and disapproval, and acting passive-aggressive. Are these things that people simply mature out of? I'd be concerned that these are separate issues than immaturity--learned bad habits. Look at how the family of origin acts. Is this behavior typical for the family? Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 Petal, if you're going to enter a relationship with this man, I think it's healthier to think of your communication styles as differing. Deeming one style mature and the other immature would probably lead to miscommunication and resentment. Thinking of the two as differing would open up a middle ground, where you can understand each other and eventually learn communication strategies that work for the both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
wolfess Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 I haven't but a friend is in a long term on again off again relationship with one. It's terrible, she's constantly frustrated, he's constantly acting childish, pulling pranks on her, lying for fun, going out and partying with his friends, blowing her off and the relationship has actually gotten emotionally and physically abusive. AT one point they said they hated each other, calmly, but because they also love each other they would stay together. It's the most unhealthy relationship I have personally ever witnessed. The saddest part is she knows it's a bad relationship, but she's too insecure to be on her own. Link to post Share on other sites
Janik Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 At the beginning of relationships with those kind of guys it's somewhat nice. They completely give yourself to you to the point where they're ready to to anything for your relationship, but as the relationship gets more serious, all they can do is back away. They aren't able to deal with confrontation and the responsibility of not only taking care of themselves, but just as much of somewhat else. That's what happened with my ex boyfriend. The first half of our relationship sucked so we broke up. We got back together and a year later he left again. The only time he was truly happy was when I was walking on egg shells and making sure I wasn't seeing him or talking to him too much. Being with someone immature is just so hard and draining, especially since most of the time they don't realize how immature they really are. Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 To the women who have dated "emotionally immature" men, what have been the pros (if any)/cons of your r'ship? Did it work? Can it work? If so, for how long. If you broke up, what was the reason? Did you see them "mature" through the r'ship. I would like to hear any of your experiences. The main experience was with someone who would talk about our relationship with others firstly before talking to me. He told his friends everything we were doing, all the time. He smoked weed secretly too, which just made him paranoid when we were not together. The relationship didn't work out, mainly because I would not let him move in with me. There were no real benefits to the relationship on my side. When we split up a number of his 'friends' wanted to go out with me, which I declined. He still has not changed. Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
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