Talking about exes

[betterdeal]

I do wonder what to do when a present starts talking about her ex. I used to listen attentively because I thought they wanted to talk about them. Then I'd be quite upset by the difficulties and sorrow they felt.

 

Then I thought, I'll give this a go and discussed my ex with a present it all went horribly wrong. It was cathartic, and it helped me to see things differently, release a lot of pent up emotions from the past, and move on. I think it did for her too. But we were being counsel for each other and that damaged our relationship.

 

What's good for me is not necessarily good for you, and vice versa, so seek counsel from a disinterested party, is the lesson I learnt from that. These fora, a distant friend or relative, or a colleague or a therapist - someone who isn't close to the social circle in which you two move - are good examples.

 

I guess now I'd listen, not so attentively, and if it became too uncomfortable, I'd make a deliberate but positive attempt to move the conversation on. "Let's talk about something else" for starters.

 

Actually, come to think of it, that's useful for lots of situations, with friends and others when conversations get bogged down.

 

How do you handle the talking about the ex thing?

[january2011]

I think it comes with the territory when it was a very long-term relationship, kids and finances are involved as well as other ties.

 

Some people can handle it and some people can't. I think that talking about intimate experiences and talking about the ex on a regular basis (every day) might be a bit too much though, especially if they broke up a number of years ago, but again, there are some people who don't react to that.

 

As long as you are sensitive to and respectful of your partner's feelings regarding the issue, I think that's all that's required.

[carhill]

I gave my answer in this current thread.

 

I look for synergy in sharing 'style'. If no joy, next.

[East7]

I do wonder what to do when a present starts talking about her ex. I used to listen attentively because I thought they wanted to talk about them. Then I'd be quite upset by the difficulties and sorrow they felt.

 

Then I thought, I'll give this a go and discussed my ex with a present it all went horribly wrong. It was cathartic, and it helped me to see things differently, release a lot of pent up emotions from the past, and move on. I think it did for her too. But we were being counsel for each other and that damaged our relationship.

 

For me a woman who talkes about her ex - unless I asked her - while we are dating is a major red flag. It is a combo of "I'm not over him yet + I don't care if it bothers you". Hear her talking about an ex is typical when you are the rebound guy.

 

If you fall into the trap and you share your own past R with her, it is even worse because it is the stright path to the Friend-zone.

 

What I learned from dating is "Never be a woman's girlfriend or shrink". It is very tricky because talking about exes may build some kind of connection and mutual understanding but in reality, pouring into each-other emotional baggages is very damaging to the relationship.

 

Another lesson learned is that a woman who is really into you will never bring the Ex discussion or she will make him look totally insignificant to her.

 

When she is totally into you, the ex "doesn't exist."

[East7]

In addition, never trash your exes to a woman - She will loose respect for you.

 

Also, like Jane100 said, some women may be curious and ask details about your past R. From experience, I learned that it is not because they want to know how you feel, rather than make a portrait of your character in her mind.

 

It is a kind of diversion to gather enlightening information about you and the person you are in a R without having to test it with herself. Quick and inexpensive

 

If you tell her how badly you treated your Ex, she will think you may do it to her. If you tell her how the Ex walked all over you, she will think you are a wimp. Either way is no good.

 

The less you tell, the better.

[betterdeal]

Twice I've been a rebound shag that's got a bit complicated and those were showing me their wounds and offloading. I've been the emotional sponge for a few women without there being sex too. I come across as quite fatherly often so there's the whole father-figure thing going on too.

 

But with other girls the conversations have been contemplative and occur later in the relationship ... and they were more into me that I was into them, and I suppose those conversations come after the initial rush of lust and doubt has started to set in.

 

I'm not a fan of the friend-zone concept mainly because I find it easy to seduce women when the mood takes me, so i know friend-zones are actually self-imposed i.e. one chooses to have that kind of relationship with a woman, whereas those who moan about it seem to think it's a prison someone else made.

 

The thing is, I am interested in people's stories and am empathetic, I'm just fine-tuning it a bit so that we don't end up always talking about relationship issues. There's got to be some fun involved, right?

[betterdeal]

In addition, never trash your exes to a woman - She will loose respect for you.

 

Also, like Jane100 said, some women may be curious and ask details about your past R. From experience, I learned that it is not because they want to know how you feel, rather than make a portrait of your character in her mind.

 

It is a kind of diversion to gather enlightening information about you and the person you are in a R without having to test it with herself. Quick and inexpensive

 

If you tell her how badly you treated your Ex, she will think you may do it to her. If you tell her how the Ex walked all over you, she will think you are a wimp. Either way is no good.

 

The less you tell, the better.

 

Hah hah! I know that. The cunning ways women work, eh? But I do believe it takes two to tango so relationships normally breakdown when two people lack the skills to maintain them and sometimes plain old bad luck.

 

The most difficult relationships I've had have been the "ones that got away" but didn't really. Let me explain: I had phimosis (tight foreskin) and had quite a nasty accident during sex when I was 23, ripping my foreskin and frenulum. I had 8 stitches in the foreskin and the frenulum was undiagnosed until I was 37. This made sex quite traumatic. Couple that with lack of self-confidence and you have quite a challenge to dating.

 

I like women, so connecting, having fun etc is natural to me. I'd connect, have fun, feel a bond, and do most everything except penetrative sex where I would back off inexplicably. With the ones I liked a lot, who I connected to, I'd get overwhelming performance anxiety about. They'd tend to be pretty ones who were used to men doing all the heavy lifting whilst they lie back.

 

So, anyway, I'd back off or miss the cue, but remain friends. I couldn't articulate to myself what the problem was. I certainly didn't blame them, but I did find it hugely confusing. They did too. Here's a big man who's obviously into a woman but never gets a shag. Infuriating, humiliating, annoying, for everyone.

 

I had no point of reference - I'd always had a tight foreskin and therefore sex and arousal was painful. Enjoyable and desired, but painful. If that's how it's always been, that's what's normal. And my relationship with pain and the rest of my body was shaped by that too. Living with pain was normal. I wandered around with a shattered shoulder blade for a month once before going to the doctor for a second opinion (the first had said it was bruised and not to worry) and finding out it was broken in 3 places.

 

I'd end up with a strong bond with a woman and no sex. And the stronger the bond, the more anxious I got about sex. Grr. Madness. And this all became subconsciously embedded. I wondered, was I gay? I had lots of female friends and girls would share stuff with me, and I learnt to understand it all. Perhaps my strong empathy skills is in part driven by that living with pain.

 

Where am I now? Well, I had a breakdown last year and tried out therapy for the first time. The hypnotherapy helped a lot. I was able to come to terms with the fact the last time I had had great sex was 14 years ago. I choose to be circumcised last year and what a relief that was! To be able to get completely sexually aroused freely, no holds barred, has been liberating beyond belief. Sex is no longer an issue.

 

I've done a lot to change the relationships I have with friends and family, to assert myself better, have left a job, tried a new career, put that on hold and found better paying, fewer hours, more chilled version of my original career, and stopped drinking like a fish. I'm single - properly single - and comfortable with it. I'm still in debt up to my eyeballs (but who isn't these days?) and overweight but dieting and exercising well and the weight and debt is going down slowly, sustainably.

 

I can say things like I did at the start of this thread i.e. I'm not cool with always talking about relationships. Sometimes, yes, but most of the time we should be having fun and enjoying life. It's okay to have my own needs, and that's one of them.

Edited September 24, 2011 by betterdeal

[East7]

Glad to hear that you are over this painful experience.