MissBuckeye Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 Hi everyone, I am new to this whole forum thing. But I am going through a rough time so I figured I could use some other opinions. I have been with my boyfriend for over three years, we started dating our freshman year of college. I just graduated in June and he has another year left (graduating next June), then he is going to navigator training for the Air Force. We have always been very compatible--enjoy the same hobbies, tell each other everything, laugh and dance and sing together, cook together, etc. We've been through a lot together--my dad recently passed away, and my boyfriend was very supportive during that time. We've discussed marriage and kids, he's even drawn up blue prints for house ideas, lol. He planned on proposing to me last summer, but then my dad passed away, so we decided it wasn't a good time and he felt that he actually wasn't ready to propose--he just wanted to do so because it felt like what all of his peers were doing. We've really only ever had two issues: one, early on in our relationship, he tried to mold my appearance into what pleased him. It hurt my self-esteem greatly and even now on occasion I catch myself trying to "be perfect" for him, even though now he is completely ashamed about acting that way toward me and he completely accepts me now. Second, about a year ago he broke my trust with something and it's been a slow process for me to rebuild that trust. He has proven himself since then that it won't happen again (it wasn't cheating), but I am still having a hard time building that trust and believing that he won't lie to me again, and he is getting frustrated with how long it's taking me. This stress has led to me asking him a lot of repetitive questions about whether I can trust him, and a lot of stress causing us to fight. Last week, he said he wanted to take a break. He had suggested it a couple times before but we had never gone through with it, so I was pretty shocked. We were both very upset but we talked through it and made a list of expectations and agreements about this "break" (which we both have copies of, and both signed). He just wants to take a step back and let both of us have some space because he is tired of the arguing. He wants me to continue working on getting my trust back and becoming more independent (although I am more independent than he thinks I am). And he wants to figure out whether I'm really the one for him--I'm pretty much his only serious girlfriend. So we agreed that we could go on dates with other people, but there is to be no intimate attachment to other people. We are remaining faithful to each other. We didn't put a time limit on this break, we are just talking like once a week and then we will gradually start increasing our time together again. We saw each other last night for a few minutes, which I was surprised that he wanted to see me that soon after starting the break--maybe he misses me more than I think? But he tells me that he still loves me a lot and he believes I am the "total package" and he feels that we are going to come back together after this and be stronger. The problem is our difference in attitudes--his attitudes is sort of "whatever, if it works it works and we just have to wait and see" and my attitude is "fight for what you want and believe that it will happen." I've read other threads on here that make me very nervous when people talk about going on breaks, about how selfish the person is and how hurt the other people become and things like that, but I believe that my boyfriend and I are very mature for our age. I just feel like our situation is a little different and I wanted to see what people thought. It sucks and I miss him a crap ton, but I am being good and keeping my distance and waiting for him to contact me. I love him and I have faith that it will work, and that is why I am putting myself through this.
Dark Phoenix Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 who initially brought up the topic of being able to see other people? if it were him I would be nervous where he is still in college and will be going to the AF soon. He broke your trust in the relationship and you said you are still working to rebuild that trust for him. At the very least I hope you are taking this opportunity to see other people as well, especially if he was the one that suggested being able to. If I were you I'd put on your helmet, this situation doesn't look like it is taking an easy road. Hopefully I'm wrong.
leoc1973 Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 I think that taking a break like that usually ends up with one of you finding someone else you wanna see where things go with and the other standing there wondering what happened. You guys seem very mature but not to be mean it sounds to me like you were driving the guy nuts. He probably is very in love with you but you are making it unbearable to be around you. That is what happened to me in a past relationship with a girl of 6 years. Needless to say she drove me so nuts that I had to dump her and I loved her very very much. I never understood i mean cant you just keep quiet about things like that? I mean that constant reassurance is just totally overkill. Good luck with your "break" and when you are with him bite your tongue a little. He really needs to see that you are still fun to be around instead of the 50 questions every time. Like for example I remember I used to work till 5 and my ex worked to 6 and I loved that hour before she got home and started asking me things like.. did you talk to any girls today, did you think of me today, do you still love me and only me, did you look at porn today? omg every guy looks at porn and if this is your problem with your boyfriend and he is not looking at porn then question his sexuality.
HappyFlower Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 He probably is very in love with you but you are making it unbearable to be around you...I never understood i mean cant you just keep quiet about things like that? I mean that constant reassurance is just totally overkill. Good luck with your "break" and when you are with him bite your tongue a little. So he's broken her trust (assuming its over something important) and she should bite her toungue when she doesn't trust him? Sorry I disagree (my ex however would totally agree with you). If someone knowingly breaks trust in a relationship, they should be prepared to deal with the consequences from their OH - it can take a lifetime to build total trust in someone, but seconds to break it. If her way of building trust in him again is to ask him questions, then he should respect that she's trying and answer them rather than get frustrated. I know it can be annoying to have to repeat it over and over again, but if you gave them a reason to then deal with it. OP I don't know what he did but obviously lied about something - my question would be if you do not trust him when in a relationship (and you have good reason) and his response is to walk away for a while, how can you trust him to 'remain faithful' to you when on a break? This is exactly what happened with my last ex...tho we split rather than go on a break.
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