nicki Posted May 12, 2004 Posted May 12, 2004 I've been dating a guy for four months. It's been wonderful. Three weeks ago I realized that I loved him. I told him, fully expecting him to say it back. I was SO SURE he felt the same way, that's what made me have the courage to say it first....but he didn't say it back....ouch... He said he cares about me "deeply" and that he has "walls" since he was burned in the last couple of relationships...He still acts very loving and looks at me like he loves me. He plans for our future, and nothing has changed in our relationship, except that i feel so vulnerable now.... I'm willing to wait a little while to hear it back, but if we aren't on the same page i'm out...I don't want to be with someone who doesn't feel the same way...or someone who doesn't trust me enough with their feelings... My question is how long to reasonably wait to hear him say it...a couple of months? It really hurts that he talks about a future with me, but won't say he loves me...I'm afraid he is either stringing me along or afraid to commit...either way, i need to know how long is long enough to wait... thanks for any advice...i'm heartbroken and confused...
magda Posted May 12, 2004 Posted May 12, 2004 Perhaps you 2 identify love differently. Maybe he does feel the same way but due to his walls, etc, he calls it something different. Make a difference to you?
avsguy01 Posted May 12, 2004 Posted May 12, 2004 Put it this way. Atleast he is being honest about how he feels. Just think what it would be like if he said he loved you back and he really didnt mean it. Id say theres still a 2 month window. Anything past 6 months without knowing if your in love, would probably mean it doesnt exist and probably never will. Id say just go along and treat him good and be cautious and look for things that may change if you think he is off doing something else. Bottomline wait a little longer. Its hard for guys to commit.
bluechocolate Posted May 12, 2004 Posted May 12, 2004 Never tell someone you love them with the full expectation that they will say it back. You tell them because it comes from your heart and because you mean it. Some men have a real problem with those three little words. Personally I think that 3 months of dating is still too soon to be absolutely sure that you love someone, but that is just my take. But maybe he feels the same way. Maybe he thinks, "We've been dating for 3 months and she's expecting me to say I love you already. If I tell her I love her the next thing is going to be, 'When are we getting married then?'". These are rather big things for someone to be contemplating so soon into dating. I think you may be jumping to conclusions. Just because he doesn't tell you he loves you when you think he should doesn't have to mean he's stringing you along or that he's afraid to commit. He talks about a future with you & you're having a wonderful time with him. Why do you feel heartbroken all of a sudden? Why ruin it now over three little words? And remember, they are just words and some people can throw them around with abandon. Actions speak louder. How does he treat you? How does he make you feel? I'm sure the day will come when he feels comfortable enough to say he loves you but right now I think you should give your relationship some more time to develop and mature. There must be loads yet to find out about each other.
Author nicki Posted May 12, 2004 Author Posted May 12, 2004 wow, thanks...i feel better after reading your posts...i will wait a little while longer...and yes, i do think he and i define love differently -- we've talked about that...we'll see what happens at six months...i agree, if it's not there then, then it probably never will be...and even if it is there, and he can't commit, then that also says something... it's just hard to continue to be myself when i suddenly feel so insecure, it makes me feel less free... did i mention that he came on hot and heavy from the beginning, and i was the one who was scared to commit?...go figure.. thanks again....your replies make such great sense...
Author nicki Posted May 12, 2004 Author Posted May 12, 2004 hey, bluechocolate...thanks for your question...i thought about why it hurt me so much, and came up with a big "a-ha" moment... i was married to a emotionally abusive man who manipulated my affections, and wouldn't show me any love...so it's probably the old fear/hurt coming out a bit... i'm going to continue enjoying myself, and not worry about it...he treats me beautifully, we have fun...
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