SugarLily Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Being dumped, unemployed and home on a Friday night is not good. Can't stop thinking about my ex. I'm getting frustrated because literally all my friends have boyfriends - and many of my friends are away at Uni. I really feel like i've lost my place here. I want (need) to move forwards with my life - but really have no idea how to. I've lost all the hope and enthusiasm I had for my future. I just really need a focus right now - something to aim for/work towards. Am not looking forward to the weekend. My heart hurts. Really want him to contact me.
mike588 Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Funny I was just thinking the same thing. I often wonder if we dumpees pay now (being alone, hurting etc.) but in the long run come out ahead. We pay now, they pay later especially in a rebound relationship. We take the time to heal and discover ourselves, they just jump around?
Kageytn Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 It sucks but think of it as a break before your social life just explodes. Making new friends is hard but maybe you could join some groups or take some classes? When I was widowed, all my friends were married. They didn't really want to hang out with me. The dynamic was weird-like being widowed was catching. I joined some community groups and made friends at the gym. I put myself out more instead of staying in the house. And you don't want him to contact you! You are doing really well.
Author SugarLily Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 Mike - I hope so. I think in a way dumpees actually have it easier. If you dump someone - you have the responsibility of knowing that you made that decision. The dumpee had no control. They were dumped, they were left. There is no responsibility there. Any pain that they feel is not because of a decision they have made. I would like to think that because of this dumpees progress more effectively than the dumper. Though, I guess this is entirely dependent on the circumstances of the relationship. For instance, I honestly believe that a household fly is more emotionally mature than my ex. He's a very selfish person - and I genunely doubt he will ever regret his decision - or have any feelings about the break up whatsoever. Well, other than happiness.
Buttercup84 Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 I'm the same , Friday night I spent watching " farmer wants a wife " and " made of honor " haha . My friends are mostly with boyfriends or married . It's only been recent your breakup , it will take a while . It's been almost 4 months for me and right now I'm healing a bit more . I know having no job sucks but see this as a opportunity to follow your dreams . What kind of job would you like ? Or just get a fun casual job and travel later . When my ex left me my future fell apart . I questioned everything . I realized that his dreams became mine and I forgot my own . Yet his dreams were just for him . I hate weekends , but we can do this ! Mike is right , we get to heal and change things while the dumpers jump to someone else . Screw them ! Let's make us into the best versions we can be , better than when they had us.
Ginger Beer Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 OP, how long were you with your ex and when did he dump you?
mike588 Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Yea the dumper made the decision but I would think that most would be happy about it, maybe not a 1st, it's tough to tell someone who loves you goodbye but I think later when they are in the arms or their new lover their happy about it and don't regret it?
Author SugarLily Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 Kageytn - I am so, so sorry for your loss. And i'm so sorry that your friends weren't more supportive. Well done for getting yourself out there. I think I just want to get away from here for a while - forget about everything and start again somewhere new. I'm so young - but this is getting me down. It makes me feel a bit like 'Is this it?' - 'Is this is as good as life is going to get for me?' But I feel stupid saying that - I know that I am lucky in so many ways. I'm healthy, I have a place to live, i've just graduated . . . I just want to kickstart my new life without him in it. x
TheDovic Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Yip, Friday nights are tough at the minute. What are ya doin with yourself to kill the time?
Author SugarLily Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 Mike - I think it just depends on the person/situation. You said 'it's tough to tell someone who loves you goodbye' - in which case, they probably did make the right decision. If you would have said 'it's tough to tell someone that YOU love goodbye' - then I probably wouldn't agree. If you truly love someone - I don't believe that you could ever be completely confident in your decision to leave them. I think if you were truly in love with them, there would always be an element of 'what if' to some extent. I'm not saying that they would necessarily 'regret' it - but if you really love someone, i'm sure you would compare every new relationship to that one. Not consciously, or intentionally - but you would use your past experience as some kind of 'benchmark'. I think the key point here is how the dumper feels about the dumpee.
Author SugarLily Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 Buttercup - I'll come live with you in Australia and we can hang out together at weekends ! Haha! That would solve the problem. I know this break up is a good opportunity for me to focus on what I really want to get out of life - I just need to stay focused. It just drives me nuts that i'm going through this - and he'll be out somewhere getting drunk/getting with girls. He's so predictable. But I guess that just proves more why I need to move forwards with my own life and forget about him! x x x x
mike588 Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Not to on and on about my situation,,, you know it but I know now she ever really love me as much as I loved her. In my case I'm sure she's happy about her decision. I know it was tough for her to tell me knowing that I loved her deeply. Ok enough about me. Carry on.
Daremo_06 Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 im in the same boat... how about you all come over and help me install this kitchen vanity
Author SugarLily Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 Mike - I kind of know your situation - and I do believe that this girl did genuinely care for you. But her heart was/is with her ex. I don't think their relationship will last - but she needs to learn this on her own. At least now you know that she was/is not the girl for you. One day you will meet the person that you will spend the rest of your life with - but until then, you need to focus on yourself and slowly learn to let go of this other girl. Try to learn to forgive her for what she's done - harbouring negative feelings will only cause damage to yourself.
Ginger Beer Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 OP, how long were you with your ex and when did he dump you? SugarLily, this question was meant for you... OP means 'original post/poster'.
HappyFlower Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Yeah Friday nights do suck And its all very well being told to 'get out there, live your life' etc...but some days you sit there and go "where am I ment to even start with that!?" You're unemployed right? Maybe start there? Get a weekend job? I'm having the same problem honestly, but I'm starting there. I actually rejected a job that the company tailored around my uni classes they wanted me to work so badly, but then I'd never have seen him. I'm also learning to drive, something else I'd never have had time to do when I was with him. He used to drive me everywhere (sometimes up the wall too!), so I'm turning it around and I'm going to be able to do it myself. Don't think you have to focus on everything all at once, there's no quick fix. One step at a time Are you doing NC?
Author SugarLily Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 HappyFlower - Thanks for your reply ! Yeah, it's been N/C for a week today. I told him not to contact me again - I know that's the only hope I have of moving forwards. One step at a time is good advice! It's early days, so i'm really hoping that things start to improve. But i'm getting used to the idea of him no longer being in my life. I'm hoping that in a few months i'll be feeling much better? x x x
Author SugarLily Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 Ginger Beer - OP, how long were you with your ex and when did he dump you? We were together for over 2 years - and he dumped me completey out of the blue because he decided that he 'wants to be single' so that he can 'do his own thing' despite the fact that he 'still loves me' and 'is in love with me' - he's just 'not ready for a relationship'. Basically the little twirp is going through G.I.G.S. x x x
mike588 Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 I have forgiven her, really now that all the pieces of the puzzle have come together. It's tough to say this when you still hurt but,,,,,, it would be selfish of me to deny her,, her true love. Ouch. I guess that would go for anyone. I often wish that I could lose my mind sometimes,,,,,,, then maybe I'd be free of memories,,, she left behind. Hope you have a good night. Best Wishes to you!!
HappyFlower Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 You're very welcome Good, you should be really pleased that you've hit a week! Well done! (I'm on 5 days NC right now, so not entirely certain I should be giving advice lol!) Yes, don't forget, like I'm trying not to, it is really early days, so things will still be all over the place. I did a thread just now in the coping bit about a strange thought about my BU...reading it back it sounds odd, like something I'd never write in this situation, but its how I feel right now. Try not to look months ahead. I did that the week he broke up with me and was like "its sooo far away" lol. Try thinking 'in a few weeks'...its not quite such a large portion of time to deal with. Then if at the end of the week you're not feeling much better, thats ok! Just look to next week I look at it that 'I made it through last week, so I can make it through next week'...whereas I haven't got to a month yet xxx
Author SugarLily Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 Don't worry Mike - all this has happened for a reason. You will find your true love. And you'll make new memories. Best wishes to you too, x x x
Mack05 Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 (edited) Really want him to contact me. You want him to contact you because you are vulnerable. People go back to relationships that are wrong for them because of the 'fear' factor. They face the world alone and don't like the feeling of feeling insecure and vulnerable. Some panic and go back to the bad relationship promising to change. I'll change, He'll change, we will both change. Anything to not feel vulnerable or afraid. That kind of thinking is delusional. You are kidding your self. This guy is so wrong for you and will never be right for you. Your whole mindset is so negative. You need to stop this 'toxic thinking' and you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Sugar u are all over the place emotionally. Two days ago you were feeling on top of the world, listening to romantic songs. Today u crave contact with a guy that treated u so poorly, that u clearly don't match well with (and never will). That makes no sense from a 3rd party looking from the outside. Sugar you can post here and we will try help you, but the only person that can get yourself out of this rut is you..You can be a strong person, show real character and fight your way out of this. Or be a weak person and contact/go back to your ex. If you choose option B you will lead a very emotionally unfullfilling life. You wont do that because you are a strong person. I sense it in you Sugar. When you climb out of this mess you will be a stronger person, a better person and you will be able to handle tough times far better in future. Why? because you showed strength on your own and didn't take the easy (wrong option) when the going got tough... We are here for you... Edited September 23, 2011 by Mack05
Author SugarLily Posted September 24, 2011 Author Posted September 24, 2011 Hey Mack, Thanks for the response. I know that it's the 'fear factor' talking. I know in my heart that he's not right for me. I am all over the place emotionally - but i'm guessing that this is normal (rollercoaster). Emotions don't always make sense. There is no way that I would ever choose option B. I haven't contacted him since the day he left me - and I sure as hell have no intention to. I will fight my way out of this - but i'm prepared to be feeling 'up and down' for a long time. Thank you for your advice/support Mack. I know you're right - but I also want you to know that anything I post on here now, or in the future will never be followed by me contacting him. It's over. x x x
camper15935 Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 Friday night I cleaned the refrigerator..... that was fun....
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