What 2 do if they come back

[SunsetRed]

So my question centers around how we should prepare and then conduct ourselves in the event that the MM we think we long for, comes back to us with a declaration that they are leaving the marriage and want us back.

 

For 11 months I mentally focused on my MM coming back. I didnt contact him about it, I just prayed and maintained this thought/feeling that I KNEW he'd be back.

 

By month # 11 of our break up, I felt something click in me and suddenly I was over him. I had begun a career change and was going out on dates with other guys.

 

Suddenly out of the blue, MM shows up, basically saying "I'm BACK...drop everything." He didnt use those words, but thats sort of the manner in which he presented his wanting me back. He also "needed a place to live"

 

Well, as much as I had thought I wanted this day to occur, the minute he spoke to me, my walls went UP big time. I pushed him away. He had come at me too swiftly and too abruptly without any consideration for me as a person. My strong gut instinct was to push him away.

 

So, he went away without a fight. I regret it somewhat, as I had wanted him so much and when the opportunity came, I folded. Still..i expected more romance and courtesy from an I want you back speech, than what he gave.

 

I am wondering if anyone here has prepared themselves for how they will handle it when your xMM comes back. Will anyone say Yes, and immediately jump into his arms, will you make him work for it, will you be so digusted that you tell him to go back to the wife he'll end up going back to anyway?

 

Its good to plan for this, because at some point the xMM will try and come back, esp once you do NC or date someone else.

[whichwayisup]

By month # 11 of our break up, I felt something click in me and suddenly I was over him. I had begun a career change and was going out on dates with other guys.

 

That's great! And, because something clicked and you realized you were over him, not letting him back into your life was easier..Sure, it probably hard to do, but you did something big..Putting YOU first and not allowing him control, call the shots all over again.

 

Suddenly out of the blue, MM shows up, basically saying "I'm BACK...drop everything." He didnt use those words, but thats sort of the manner in which he presented his wanting me back. He also "needed a place to live"

 

It's almost cocky and quite an assumption, that he thought you'd open your arms and take him into your house, allow him back into your life so easily.. Insulting actually.

 

 

Well, as much as I had thought I wanted this day to occur, the minute he spoke to me, my walls went UP big time. I pushed him away. He had come at me too swiftly and too abruptly without any consideration for me as a person. My strong gut instinct was to push him away.

 

I think that would be a natural reaction for anybody who's been in your shoes. Or anybody who's been hurt over and over again, your body and mind just takes over and shuts down, it's an automatic defensive measure to protect yourself. I'm glad that you didn't just let him back into your life. IF that ever were to happen, he needs (just like any other MM) to allow time and space, in a healthy way as well as some counselling to happen for change to take place (aka get out of affair dynamic) and reconnect the right and proper way instead of just leaving (again) and showing up on your (general you) doorstep, expecting you to take him back, no questions asked and go on with life.

[wannabdone]

I totally agree... your reaction was normal.

 

I have had him come back multiple times, but this is the first time I haven't been thinking like you said "he will be back" and want him back. Do I love him? OMG YES! Do I miss him?? YES! Can I handle this back and forth and hurt emotions....NO!

 

I just think the best advise I got, is to act noncaring. Your not mad, or mean, and your not happy. Your indifferent.

[Circular]

So my question centers around how we should prepare and then conduct ourselves in the event that the MM we think we long for, comes back to us with a declaration that they are leaving the marriage and want us back.

 

For 11 months I mentally focused on my MM coming back. I didnt contact him about it, I just prayed and maintained this thought/feeling that I KNEW he'd be back.

 

By month # 11 of our break up, I felt something click in me and suddenly I was over him. I had begun a career change and was going out on dates with other guys.

 

Suddenly out of the blue, MM shows up, basically saying "I'm BACK...drop everything." He didnt use those words, but thats sort of the manner in which he presented his wanting me back. He also "needed a place to live"

 

Well, as much as I had thought I wanted this day to occur, the minute he spoke to me, my walls went UP big time. I pushed him away. He had come at me too swiftly and too abruptly without any consideration for me as a person. My strong gut instinct was to push him away.

 

So, he went away without a fight. I regret it somewhat, as I had wanted him so much and when the opportunity came, I folded. Still..i expected more romance and courtesy from an I want you back speech, than what he gave.

 

I am wondering if anyone here has prepared themselves for how they will handle it when your xMM comes back. Will anyone say Yes, and immediately jump into his arms, will you make him work for it, will you be so digusted that you tell him to go back to the wife he'll end up going back to anyway?

 

Its good to plan for this, because at some point the xMM will try and come back, esp once you do NC or date someone else.

 

 

I found this interesting to read as it shows a particular dynamic I think men don't quite understand completely. It's kind of the 'mind readers' dilemma that men get frustrated with.

 

You obviously in your mind have a certain fantasy or idea of how things would play out, how he would approach you, explain it to you, etc... And due to his swiftness, abruptness you rebuked him. As a man, after going through all the stress, etc... of finally leaving his W he might feel a bit defeated. I can see from how you write that you feel he needs to prove his loyalty and win you back, that you are looking for something a bit more romantic, etc...

 

I'd be really curious what you might have expected? How could/should he have approached you about it? What might he have done that would have allowed you not to shut him out so quickly?

[wannabdone]

I found this interesting to read as it shows a particular dynamic I think men don't quite understand completely. It's kind of the 'mind readers' dilemma that men get frustrated with.

 

You obviously in your mind have a certain fantasy or idea of how things would play out, how he would approach you, explain it to you, etc... And due to his swiftness, abruptness you rebuked him. As a man, after going through all the stress, etc... of finally leaving his W he might feel a bit defeated. I can see from how you write that you feel he needs to prove his loyalty and win you back, that you are looking for something a bit more romantic, etc...

 

I'd be really curious what you might have expected? How could/should he have approached you about it? What might he have done that would have allowed you not to shut him out so quickly?

 

 

C.... I think that is a GREAT point! Women (in general) do expect a certain list of things (if you will) that should be played out before we feel that the apology or what ever it is we are wanting from a M is accepted. And A LOT of times, men (again, in general) are just simple creatures. Thinking "what in the heck, I came back, that shows her". This is a problem between the M and F spieces that has been going on since the dawn of time, and will continue long after we are gone.

[Circular]

C.... I think that is a GREAT point! Women (in general) do expect a certain list of things (if you will) that should be played out before we feel that the apology or what ever it is we are wanting from a M is accepted. And A LOT of times, men (again, in general) are just simple creatures. Thinking "what in the heck, I came back, that shows her". This is a problem between the M and F spieces that has been going on since the dawn of time, and will continue long after we are gone.

 

 

I read this and immediately started busting up....

 

Yes, men we're simple creatures admittedly and we have obviously not yet evolved to allow for ESP. So these lists of things and checkbox items, and incantations, etc... do you keep them in a book or something? Forever forsaken for men to see? As you can imagine your reply left many gaping holes and continued curiosities... Yes, truly a problem between the male/female species.

[fooled once]

So my question centers around how we should prepare and then conduct ourselves in the event that the MM we think we long for, comes back to us with a declaration that they are leaving the marriage and want us back.

 

For 11 months I mentally focused on my MM coming back. I didnt contact him about it, I just prayed and maintained this thought/feeling that I KNEW he'd be back.

 

By month # 11 of our break up, I felt something click in me and suddenly I was over him. I had begun a career change and was going out on dates with other guys.

 

Suddenly out of the blue, MM shows up, basically saying "I'm BACK...drop everything." He didnt use those words, but thats sort of the manner in which he presented his wanting me back. He also "needed a place to live"

 

Well, as much as I had thought I wanted this day to occur, the minute he spoke to me, my walls went UP big time. I pushed him away. He had come at me too swiftly and too abruptly without any consideration for me as a person. My strong gut instinct was to push him away.

 

So, he went away without a fight. I regret it somewhat, as I had wanted him so much and when the opportunity came, I folded. Still..i expected more romance and courtesy from an I want you back speech, than what he gave.

 

I am wondering if anyone here has prepared themselves for how they will handle it when your xMM comes back. Will anyone say Yes, and immediately jump into his arms, will you make him work for it, will you be so digusted that you tell him to go back to the wife he'll end up going back to anyway?

 

Its good to plan for this, because at some point the xMM will try and come back, esp once you do NC or date someone else.

 

Hey Sun! I for one am VERY GLAD he went away without a fight! I don't want him back in your life to use you. I don't want him to hurt you again, and we both know HE WILL HURT YOU again!

 

The man I was involved with did try to come back, several times. I told him no each time, no matter how much I missed him. I had lost ALL respect for him. I cannot respect a weak person. I cannot respect someone who hurt me as much as he did. And I certainly didn't trust him! No matter how good it had been, it wasn't enough to put myself through it again. I think many would reject the advances, especially if enough time has elapsed between the break up and the fishing expedition of the MM.

 

For me, it was about respecting ME enough to not dive back in. I decided I valued me more than him.

 

How are you doing??

[MissBee]

So my question centers around how we should prepare and then conduct ourselves in the event that the MM we think we long for, comes back to us with a declaration that they are leaving the marriage and want us back.

 

For 11 months I mentally focused on my MM coming back. I didnt contact him about it, I just prayed and maintained this thought/feeling that I KNEW he'd be back.

 

By month # 11 of our break up, I felt something click in me and suddenly I was over him. I had begun a career change and was going out on dates with other guys.

 

Suddenly out of the blue, MM shows up, basically saying "I'm BACK...drop everything." He didnt use those words, but thats sort of the manner in which he presented his wanting me back. He also "needed a place to live"

 

Well, as much as I had thought I wanted this day to occur, the minute he spoke to me, my walls went UP big time. I pushed him away. He had come at me too swiftly and too abruptly without any consideration for me as a person. My strong gut instinct was to push him away.

 

So, he went away without a fight. I regret it somewhat, as I had wanted him so much and when the opportunity came, I folded. Still..i expected more romance and courtesy from an I want you back speech, than what he gave.

 

I am wondering if anyone here has prepared themselves for how they will handle it when your xMM comes back. Will anyone say Yes, and immediately jump into his arms, will you make him work for it, will you be so digusted that you tell him to go back to the wife he'll end up going back to anyway?

Its good to plan for this, because at some point the xMM will try and come back, esp once you do NC or date someone else.

 

The bolded is true!

 

When I joined LS after my breakup (with a single guy), there is a section in the Break Up Part called "Second Chances"...which is ofcourse the forum that most posters hope to be posting in or visit frequently to hear stories of hope or what to do if their exes comes back; most also want some perfect formula to make sure they stay when they return or that they don't "mess it up".

 

I remember on the first instance that my ex came back, I too had walls up, when in my imagination it seemed perfect, like he'd be so sorry and romantic about it and make me feel like he made a huge mistake, then we'd be together again...not so. He did come back, he did give a speech that had some "aww parts" and then some aspects that made no sense...all in all...after him doing that multiple times, I realized that "coming back" means nothing, especially if NOTHING has changed. If this person comes back, whether it is they are now divorcing or they were single and just cames back...so what? The point is that if no REAL, CONSISTENT changes are made, if they have not even understood anything, then you will end up back at square one. People sometimes come back becuase they are lonely, or whatever else they decided to do isn't currently working, or they miss you but the relationship is still not viable, because they want to see if the door is still open and make sure you aren't moving on, even if they have no plans to be with you right now...the list goes on.

 

Most people think they want their exes back upon breaking up...regular relationship or in an A. Like I said, when I joined I and almost every other poster experiencing a breakup was hoping and wishing it would be undone and we'd all be trying to find signs that our breakup was unique and just a mistake and not final....most of course, me included, realized eventually that that wasn't often the case. The Second Chances forum is filled mostly filled with hopeful people, or those who broke NC and had some trivial exchange with the ex and are now trying to dissect it to figure out whether or not they still love them and if a second chance is on the horizon; basically false alarms.

 

Most people there are those (like myself at one point) who are thrilled the ex came back...but realize after a day, a week, a month that nothing changed and they never get back together or break up all over again. Hardly any of the stories are of people whose exes came back, things worked out and they're back months/a year later to say yesss it did work out. I think it's the same concept here. All you can do is have your eyes, ears and mind open. Consider whether or not you want that person, whether or not their actions have shown that being with them in a regular R is worth the risk, watch for signs of BS, watch to see if words and actions line up and trust your gut!

Edited September 24, 2011 by MissBee

[SunsetRed]

Well, I guess I expected him to approach me more slowly..as in maybe acting like a bf and going on a few dates with me.

 

Maybe I did envision his coming back to me as being romantic and full of apologies and I love/need you's. His was none of that. In fact, I didnt get that he was asking to come back until I later processed the situation. Thats how strong my walls were.

 

What I said about living together was that it would be like "going from zero to a hundred" and that if we were to get back together we should have a courtship and not just go from not seeing each other at all for a year to seeing each other 24/7.

 

Thats the part that seemed to hurt him, that I didnt jump up and say "move in" During the intial part of our break up he had repeatedly told me to "live my life as a single person and dont wait for me" So...the process of being single makes me naturally too busy for someone to jump back into my life and say "here I am, drop everything"

 

My gut reaction has suprised me as well. I wanted to run when I heard him say "I'm back...." I'm surprised how natural it was for my walls to go up. I didnt think about it, it was as if something outside of me took control and put up my walls. Something outside of me, my subconcious (?) God or something took over and said, No, you cannot simply pop up at my house and move in after you've thrown me under the bus"

 

Now I regret it. I wish he'd try to come back one more time so I could be more accepting. I actually sent out some emails trying to do some damage control but he ignored my emails. In my emails I explained how my brain cant adjust from the extreme of him telling me to be single and date others as he's married and then BOOM, suddenly he's saying he wants me back.

 

If he really wanted me back, he'd have responded to my emails and would have had further conversation with me. If he really wanted me back, he'd offer more than one window of opportunity for us to be together.

 

I'm feeling sad that my natural inclination to put up walls may have screwed up a chance with him. On the other hand, he is still married and even if I had said come back, I'm sure that within a few weeks or less, he'd have gone back to the wife again.

 

He's called a few times since but has acted pouty and mean like men do when they feel rejected. I feel hurt, but the hurt isnt nearly as bad as it was during the intial break up.

[Gentlegirl]

If that was what you had decided on then it was the best thing to do.

 

Never mind the romantic approach etc...Men ARE simple beings and get so anxious to do something, they just do it, no frills! No matter, he is gone and that's what you wanted.

 

I know what I would say to xMM should he ever venture back. It will never happen, but I know.

 

It has been 9 months since I said goodbye in person to him for the last time (unknowingly).

 

There has been a large shift in my emotions and they have faded dramatically over the last 3 or 4 weeks.

 

My answer would be NO amongst other things I would like to say.

 

Gentlegirl.

[Circular]

I appreciate that you explained it all, and well also. Yes, we tend to be simple minded, are very focused on getting done what needs to get done and sometimes lose sight of creating a plan around what we are doing. Sometimes we lose sight of the romantic piece, I know I have at times and it's something I'm learning to appreciate more and work it into my M, that's of course a shortcoming of mine as it is most men.

[wannabdone]

I read this and immediately started busting up....

 

Yes, men we're simple creatures admittedly and we have obviously not yet evolved to allow for ESP. So these lists of things and checkbox items, and incantations, etc... do you keep them in a book or something? Forever forsaken for men to see? As you can imagine your reply left many gaping holes and continued curiosities... Yes, truly a problem between the male/female species.

 

 

Ah come on C.... you don't need to see our list b/c "if you loved us, you would know it"....isn't that what we usually say?

[Circular]

Ah come on C.... you don't need to see our list b/c "if you loved us, you would know it"....isn't that what we usually say?

 

Hahahahahaha..... yes, that's exactly what I've been told before!!

[alexandria35]

Sunset I don't think you made a mistake. Nor do I believe that this is a Men are from mars Women are from venus (not that I believe that crap anyways) situation.

 

Your ex sounds full of himself, so wrapped up in his selfish needs and desires that he is clueless to how his actions hurt other people. If it was just a matter of him just being a typical guy and not understanding a woman, then once you told him what the problem was he would have clued in and tried to make it right. Instead he sends you pouty full of himself emails. All he cares about is what suits him and how he feels.

 

The nerve of him to show up and basically say 'hey I need to move in with you and you should be thrilled that I've decided to give you the time of day again' BARF!! Like you should be creaming your jeans just at the mere sight of him. No sorry, this isn't a guy/girl communication break down thing, this is an your ex is an arrogant full of himself ahole kind of thing. Be glad that he is your ex and be glad that he went away. He doesn't sound like much of a keeper to me. You deserve someone who understands how to think of others and to treat people with care.

[East7]

People sometimes come back becuase they are lonely, or whatever else they decided to do isn't currently working, or they miss you but the relationship is still not viable, because they want to see if the door is still open and make sure you aren't moving on, even if they have no plans to be with you right now...the list goes on.

 

This is so true. Unfortunately in a relationship we have one shot per person per life. The exceptions are rare.

 

People often come back out of selfish reasons, because they are lonely and they know how much you have loved them so they think you will get them back no matter what. Those who act like they are making you a favor are the more insulting (like Sunset's MM)

 

One particular thing in Affairs, IMO, is the breach of trust. During the A the partners trust each-other. Then when the AP is thrown under the bus, the trust is gone. It is not like a break-up between two single people where one walks away for whatever reason without any betrayal.

 

The AP and BS stand in the same position, they are being betrayed both. It is not the commitment which makes any difference but rather the emotional betrayal.

 

All the BS say the most difficult thing to fix is the trust. I think that holds true for most of APs as well.

 

Would my xMW come back to tell me she is all mine and she has decided to be with me, it would be very difficult for me to get her back because I lost my trust in her. I would tend to think it is a lie, she is being manipulative or she will breakup all over again. I would never be secure enough. That's why many APs who end up together have serious trust issues.

[SunsetRed]

What prompted my xMM to try and come back at all was that I had just started dating another guy and he found out. So, before the other guy and I could become anything, he had to wedge his way in.

 

I'm going to try and write out as close as possible, word for word what xMM said.

 

"Hey, I've been thinking about a way that I could make my family happy and make me happy too. I am making enough money now where I can make the house payment, give Wife all the money she needs and still live elsewhere."

 

He added "Now dont get your hopes up and until this happens you're still single, I'm not asking you for anything, but as soon as I can find an affordable place to live, I'd like it if we can see each other again."

 

Ok, until I went out with another guy, he was so poor that he had to live in the garage and make sacrifices "for the kids" Now suddenly he can afford to leave??

 

He presented this info to me as I am about to go back to school and will have no free time. So when I mentioned that I have no free time at the moment, he got pissy and said he had no free time either as he had a family.

 

I forget how the staying with me part came up, but it did and then I was the one pissed. He had just once again reminded me to act single until he got his business straight and then wants to move in?? Plus, a year ago he had thrown me under the bus and ended up taking the kids, and "their mother" who is the Wife on many vacations. And now he just wants to move in with me, like nothing happened?

 

I'd be angry if he were here, basically doing nothing for me, while he's spent the last year paying all of his wife's bills and taking her on vacations. He'd still be paying her bills if he was with me. He'd be fixing her car, buying her a car and the two of us would be running my 2000 Neon into the ground.

 

I did expect more of an I want you back moment than what I got. I expected more of myself too, as I expected to be very open to it.

 

For a year, I had felt and known he'd be back and we'd somehow end up together. I feel like the combination of his approach and my walls screwed it up.

 

My defensiveness and walls have screwed up many a relationship. BUT, I have those issues for a reason. I've been hurt and used beyond belief and cant go thru that anymore.

 

STILL, for some reason I cant let go of the idea of him coming back and being the person I thought he was when he was separated, before he went back to the wife. I want to feel special and wanted again.

 

 

Oh wait, there is a bit of irony to this story..remember the guy I was seeing, the one that made xMM want me back...he stopped dating me to go back to a Married woman he had been seeing for years!

[alexandria35]

What prompted my xMM to try and come back at all was that I had just started dating another guy and he found out. So, before the other guy and I could become anything, he had to wedge his way in.

 

I'm going to try and write out as close as possible, word for word what xMM said.

 

"Hey, I've been thinking about a way that I could make my family happy and make me happy too. I am making enough money now where I can make the house payment, give Wife all the money she needs and still live elsewhere."

 

Aww....isn't that nice? He figured out a way to make himself happy and his family happy. Doesn't sound like he was thinking of making you happy at all.

He added "Now dont get your hopes up and until this happens you're still single, I'm not asking you for anything, but as soon as I can find an affordable place to live, I'd like it if we can see each other again."

 

Oh the nerve!! The arrogance! 'hey sunset, this might just be you're lucky day! You may just get to have wonderful perfect me!!' but don't get too excited because then again you might not'

 

Ok, until I went out with another guy, he was so poor that he had to live in the garage and make sacrifices "for the kids" Now suddenly he can afford to leave??

 

Yep and still nothing had changed, he hadn't left. It was a ploy to make you give up the other guy.

 

He presented this info to me as I am about to go back to school and will have no free time. So when I mentioned that I have no free time at the moment, he got pissy and said he had no free time either as he had a family.

 

How dare you think of anyone or anything but him! Who cares about your stupid school, don't you realize how close you are to getting wonderful perfect me!

 

I forget how the staying with me part came up, but it did and then I was the one pissed. He had just once again reminded me to act single until he got his business straight and then wants to move in?? Plus, a year ago he had thrown me under the bus and ended up taking the kids, and "their mother" who is the Wife on many vacations. And now he just wants to move in with me, like nothing happened?

 

Yeah....I didn't see anything from him that acknowledged your pain or what he put you through. He should have been telling you how sorry he was and how he wanted to do whatever it took to make things right with you. Not just announce that he thinks you should be letting him move in.

 

I'd be angry if he were here, basically doing nothing for me, while he's spent the last year paying all of his wife's bills and taking her on vacations. He'd still be paying her bills if he was with me. He'd be fixing her car, buying her a car and the two of us would be running my 2000 Neon into the ground.

 

I suspect that a bunch of the expenses would have landed on you and what's worse is that any time you dared to express unhappiness with that he would be quick to remind you of how he gave up his family for you and you should just be happy that you got wonderful perfect him and you should be thrilled to pay his bills.

 

I did expect more of an I want you back moment than what I got. I expected more of myself too, as I expected to be very open to it.

 

For a year, I had felt and known he'd be back and we'd somehow end up together. I feel like the combination of his approach and my walls screwed it up.

 

My defensiveness and walls have screwed up many a relationship. BUT, I have those issues for a reason. I've been hurt and used beyond belief and cant go thru that anymore.

 

STILL, for some reason I cant let go of the idea of him coming back and being the person I thought he was when he was separated, before he went back to the wife. I want to feel special and wanted again.

 

 

Oh wait, there is a bit of irony to this story..remember the guy I was seeing, the one that made xMM want me back...he stopped dating me to go back to a Married woman he had been seeing for years!

 

Oh this guy makes me angry for you! You may have walls built up but I don't think it's your relationship issues that made you send him away. I think it was your gut telling you that the way he was going about this wasn't right. You instictively knew that what he was proposing wasn't in your best interest and you protected yourself. I say Good for you!

 

So things didn't work out with the other guy and now you are single again. It's easy to start thinking about the past and believing that something we had was better then what we have now. Or having someone is better than having noone. I've been single for a little over a year now and I catch myself longing for someone from my past too from time to time, thinking it's better than being alone. Deep down I know it isn't true though. I know that being with myself, enjoying my own company and treating myself with care and respect is much much better than being with someone who is selfish and uncaring and who causes me pain. When the time is right, you will meet someone right for you, someone who can care for you for real. In the interim have fun being single, enjoy your independance and work on the things about yourself that you think need improving.

[SunsetRed]

Wow, thank you Alexandria..you reworded exactly what was happening perfectly!

 

I'm going to try and let all of this go now. Actually, I had let go and was getting very busy and he brought it all up again by showing up.

 

Reality is, he will never permanetly leave. Even if he left for a second or two, he'd end up going right back to the wife.

 

It drives me crazy that for a year he could preach to me to "date others, be single, focus on your life and do not ever wait for me, its not fair to yourself to do so" He had also added "sorry this ended the way it did for us, but keep your chin up, I know you'll meet someone good" Very patronizing.

 

To have said all that and then to show up the second I did find somebody has completely messed with my head.

 

As for the other guy I tried to date, no hard feelings over that not working out. It wouldnt have worked regardless of MM, but at least I am up to giving new guys a chance.

[Gentlegirl]

Wow, thank you Alexandria..you reworded exactly what was happening perfectly!

 

I'm going to try and let all of this go now. Actually, I had let go and was getting very busy and he brought it all up again by showing up.

 

 

Reality is, he will never permanetly leave. Even if he left for a second or two, he'd end up going right back to the wife.

 

It drives me crazy that for a year he could preach to me to "date others, be single, focus on your life and do not ever wait for me, its not fair to yourself to do so" He had also added "sorry this ended the way it did for us, but keep your chin up, I know you'll meet someone good" Very patronizing.

 

To have said all that and then to show up the second I did find somebody has completely messed with my head.

 

As for the other guy I tried to date, no hard feelings over that not working out. It wouldnt have worked regardless of MM, but at least I am up to giving new guys a chance.

 

Guess you were for the first port of call when he needed a place to stay.

 

I don't mean that unkindly. He obviously thought you would just open your door and your arms... how up himself he must be.

 

Good Decision on your part.

 

GG

[fooled once]

Sunset I don't think you made a mistake. Nor do I believe that this is a Men are from mars Women are from venus (not that I believe that crap anyways) situation.

 

Your ex sounds full of himself, so wrapped up in his selfish needs and desires that he is clueless to how his actions hurt other people. If it was just a matter of him just being a typical guy and not understanding a woman, then once you told him what the problem was he would have clued in and tried to make it right. Instead he sends you pouty full of himself emails. All he cares about is what suits him and how he feels.

 

The nerve of him to show up and basically say 'hey I need to move in with you and you should be thrilled that I've decided to give you the time of day again' BARF!! Like you should be creaming your jeans just at the mere sight of him. No sorry, this isn't a guy/girl communication break down thing, this is an your ex is an arrogant full of himself ahole kind of thing. Be glad that he is your ex and be glad that he went away. He doesn't sound like much of a keeper to me. You deserve someone who understands how to think of others and to treat people with care.

 

Ditto.

 

And Sun, you deserve better than being his option. You deserve better than HIM period!!

 

Please, do not think YOU did anything wrong. The BEST thing was your walls coming up because I firmly believe you would still be the OW. I believe your walls went up for a reason - to keep you safe.

 

Please let go of him and of any hope of a life with him; unless you want to be the OW.

[Circular]

This is so true. Unfortunately in a relationship we have one shot per person per life. The exceptions are rare.

 

People often come back out of selfish reasons, because they are lonely and they know how much you have loved them so they think you will get them back no matter what. Those who act like they are making you a favor are the more insulting (like Sunset's MM)

 

One particular thing in Affairs, IMO, is the breach of trust. During the A the partners trust each-other. Then when the AP is thrown under the bus, the trust is gone. It is not like a break-up between two single people where one walks away for whatever reason without any betrayal.

 

The AP and BS stand in the same position, they are being betrayed both. It is not the commitment which makes any difference but rather the emotional betrayal.

 

All the BS say the most difficult thing to fix is the trust. I think that holds true for most of APs as well.

 

Would my xMW come back to tell me she is all mine and she has decided to be with me, it would be very difficult for me to get her back because I lost my trust in her. I would tend to think it is a lie, she is being manipulative or she will breakup all over again. I would never be secure enough. That's why many APs who end up together have serious trust issues.

 

East, I question the validity of your first statement. Putting xMW aside completely, I've actually had 2nd chances twice in my life. I'm not saying that there isn't ego stuff and other elements going on, especially early post break-up and I do believe it takes 2 years or more for both parties to be apart and they need to completely let go for such a thing to really work BUT I've actually had it happen twice.

 

One of the key factors that I think makes the A particular susceptible to this as well as those 2 relationships I mention is that none of them ended for what would be considered full-relationship cycle reasons. One left to college the other left and moved out of country with her family for a few years. The problem, and I see it over and over again with A's in particular is that there's no normal relationship ending. You'll always wonder 'what if' even if you bury it away because you never have the full picture. There's always a high level of uncertainty about why it ended.

[East7]

East, I question the validity of your first statement. Putting xMW aside completely, I've actually had 2nd chances twice in my life. I'm not saying that there isn't ego stuff and other elements going on, especially early post break-up and I do believe it takes 2 years or more for both parties to be apart and they need to completely let go for such a thing to really work BUT I've actually had it happen twice.

 

Second chances exist BUT I am not talking about the event, the opportunity, I am talking of the result of the second chance. Does it result to a new R ? Most of the time not, because 1-people don't change / 2- Feelings are not the same anymore / 3- people have moved on with their life and they don't consider a R with the same person anymore........and 100 other possible reasons.