chelle21689 Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 I always get really nervous whenever I'm out to eat with my bf when the waiter/waitress asks "Is it together or separate"? I get nervous because I don't know what the answer should be but I usually let my bf answer...sometimes at the end of every meal I leave the table so he'll end up answering and not me LOL I feel bad if he says "together" because I don't want him to feel like he has to pay for me every time. When he pays for me I feel obligated to pay for him back at another meal and I can't really afford to pay for both of us. If he says separate then I'd get embarrassed because every couple we eat with has their bf pay for them. Would it be rude if I just spoke up and said separate?
Kamille Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 What stops you from asking him this question directly? Bf and I usually share expenses by now. We ask for one bill and we each chip in. Sometimes I pay, if I invite, sometimes he pays, if he invites. Note, while we were dating, he insisted on paying all the time. Ask him. Talk to him. Figure out strategies that work for the both of you. (You could for instance, give him your half later if you two are out in public, so neither of you lose face.)
Author chelle21689 Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 For some reason this topic has always made me alittle uneasy. I don't want to seem like a gold digger I guess...or I don't want him to think I expect him to pay all the time even though it'd be nice LOL.
Imageiko Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Agree with above. If you've been dating a while I'd think a good medium should be struck where it's not always your boyfriend paying. You should pay sometimes, he should pay sometimes and then just chop it the rest. Find a good balance on what works for you guys.
january2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 What I find interesting however is that this question is asked by the server in the restaurant. I've never had this experience on a date. The bill is usually plonked in front of the guy I'm with, with the assumption that he will be paying. On very rare occasions, I get the bill in front of me, but that's usually because I was the one who asked for it. Otherwise, I agree with Kamille. Talk to him and come to an agreement that seems fair for both of you.
Cypress25 Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 In the beginning of a relationship, my boyfriend usually pays, although I always offer to split the bill. After a few months, we start sharing the cost but we don't ask for separate checks. We just split it right down the middle, so we each pay half. We treat each other for special occasions though. I pay for him on his birthday and he pays for me on mine. When he got a new job, I took him out to celebrate. We don't really discuss it, we just manage to keep it more or less equal.
Keke1 Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 I was into it with my girlfriend about this. Sometimes i only had enough for me and asked her to pay her way. She had an issue with that. When I had the money I paid for both. What I had the issue with because I was with her for 5yrs. She almost never volunteered to pay. I know of at least twice. Not even joking. I hated that. It made me feel like I was being forced to pay her way even though she worked just like me. What I really HATED was the fact that she didn't even try to seriously pick up a tab. Never tried when we were out. It made me not want to take her anywhere. Which eventually I stopped. She had a problem with that. OP at least volunteer it makes a world of difference.
Keke1 Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 In the beginning of a relationship, my boyfriend usually pays, although I always offer to split the bill. After a few months, we start sharing the cost but we don't ask for separate checks. We just split it right down the middle, so we each pay half. We treat each other for special occasions though. I pay for him on his birthday and he pays for me on mine. When he got a new job, I took him out to celebrate. We don't really discuss it, we just manage to keep it more or less equal. This is how it should be. I wouldn't mind paying if I made enough and even then if you never offered it would become a problem. Splitting the bill halfway at anytime with the woma girl I was with was always a problem.
Kamille Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 For some reason this topic has always made me alittle uneasy. I don't want to seem like a gold digger I guess...or I don't want him to think I expect him to pay all the time even though it'd be nice LOL. You run the same risks by not talking about it. Is the issue that you want him to pay? Otherwise, in the past, when a partner made more income, we found a way to split it proportionally.
OliveOyl Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 No, while my BF usually pulls out his wallet and tries to pay every time, sometimes I am ahead of him and tell him I'm treating him this time. I would say I pay between 1/3 to 1/2 of the time. We never split the bill, it's either he pays the whole bill or I pay the whole bill.
thatone Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 I always get really nervous whenever I'm out to eat with my bf when the waiter/waitress asks "Is it together or separate"? I get nervous because I don't know what the answer should be but I usually let my bf answer...sometimes at the end of every meal I leave the table so he'll end up answering and not me LOL I feel bad if he says "together" because I don't want him to feel like he has to pay for me every time. When he pays for me I feel obligated to pay for him back at another meal and I can't really afford to pay for both of us. If he says separate then I'd get embarrassed because every couple we eat with has their bf pay for them. Would it be rude if I just spoke up and said separate? if you can't afford it he probably realizes that, and i would say don't worry about it. i still pay when my gf and i go out and both of us eat. if we're going somewhere she wants to go and i'm not eating much, just having a drink while she eats, or going to starbucks (not a coffee drinker i just get water there) she pays. i make ~4x what she makes so i'd feel rude letting her pay for stuff.
Pierre Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Among well established couples it does not matter who pays. If the op is not comfortable then they are not really a couple. In any event I always try to pay no matter who is with me. I do that to avoid all those awkward moments. So I always try to pay the check. I think the poster that kept track on his gf for not paying often enough is way too anal.
Pierre Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Among well established couples it does not matter who pays. If the op is not comfortable then they are not really a couple. In any event I always try to pay no matter who is with me. I do that to avoid all those awkward moments. So I always try to pay the check. I think the poster that kept track on his gf for not paying often enough is way too anal.
january2011 Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 I would be OFFENDED and chew out the waiter or waitress assuming this. Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean that I need a man to pay for me. I make plenty of money; I can afford to pay for myself. I would make a scene and put her in check for this seriously. I don't like people "assuming" things about me. Don't assume that it will be the man who will be paying. I'm a modern woman; I have no problem paying for a guy. As someone who doesn't like being beholden to anyone for money, I am offended by the presumption, but shrug it off. Meh, who cares what random strangers think, right? It says more about their prejudices than our self-worth.
carhill Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 When he pays for me I feel obligated to pay for him back at another meal and I can't really afford to pay for both of us. Solution: Invite him on a date you can really afford to pay for both of you.
Keke1 Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 Among well established couples it does not matter who pays. If the op is not comfortable then they are not really a couple. In any event I always try to pay no matter who is with me. I do that to avoid all those awkward moments. So I always try to pay the check. I think the poster that kept track on his gf for not paying often enough is way too anal. What is well established to you? So you only pay to avoid awkward moments? What do you call that?
Pierre Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 (edited) I would be OFFENDED and chew out the waiter or waitress assuming this. Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean that I need a man to pay for me. I make plenty of money; I can afford to pay for myself. I would make a scene and put her in check for this seriously. I don't like people "assuming" things about me. Don't assume that it will be the man who will be paying. I'm a modern woman; I have no problem paying for a guy. OP, No offense but it's pretty pathetic to be so broke and always need to depend on your bf to pay for you. I pride myself on being independent and being able to provide for myself. I can't stand weak women who need a man to take care of them; I just feel embarrassed for them. Wow, I think you have an issue about not been taken seriously. No need to make a scene. How are you personally hurt if the waiter gives the check to your date? Edited September 24, 2011 by Pierre
Pierre Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 What is well established to you? So you only pay to avoid awkward moments? What do you call that? This board is full of threads about who pays the check. It seems this is often an awkward moment for many folks. I have personally observed these awkward moments in other people when the check arrives. I make good money and I lose nothing by picking up the check. In that manner I ameliorate the awkward moments in other individuals. I am the guy who always pays the check. I even pay when we go out in a large group. I think it is tacky to ask a busy waiter to write separate checks in a large table.
Keke1 Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 This board is full of threads about who pays the check. It seems this is often an awkward moment for many folks. I have personally observed these awkward moments in other people when the check arrives. I make good money and I lose nothing by picking up the check. In that manner I ameliorate the awkward moments in other individuals. I am the guy who always pays the check. I even pay when we go out in a large group. I think it is tacky to ask a busy waiter to write separate checks in a large table. Well like I said if I had the money I wouldn't have a problem with it. Although I would like her to at least offer. We both were paying bills and not making a whole lot of money. It was basically if you ain't paying we aint going out. That is what I didn't like. You can call me anal all you want. I don't think that is healthy in a 5yr relationship.
Feelsgoodman Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 I wonder what the women who posted in the feminism thread think on this subject. As another poster stated, the only time a feminist is quite is when the cheque arrives
D-Lish Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 I would be OFFENDED and chew out the waiter or waitress assuming this. Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean that I need a man to pay for me. I make plenty of money; I can afford to pay for myself. I would make a scene and put her in check for this seriously. I don't like people "assuming" things about me. Don't assume that it will be the man who will be paying. I'm a modern woman; I have no problem paying for a guy. OP, No offense but it's pretty pathetic to be so broke and always need to depend on your bf to pay for you. I pride myself on being independent and being able to provide for myself. I can't stand weak women who need a man to take care of them; I just feel embarrassed for them. I like how you started out with "no offense", then proceeded to be incredibly offensive to someone that was just reaching out for some help. How do you know this poor girl you offended isn't a student, or facing another struggle? So let me get this straight, you believe in the tenents of feminism (which is equality)- but consider yourself superior to other woman that don't have the resources/education/skills (whatever) to make a salary that equals yours? I could understand a harsh response to someone that posted they felt a sense of entitlement to have a man pay for them- but she's not saying this- she's saying she feels bad she can't reciprocate. Your response to her is pretty appalling.
Pierre Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 Well like I said if I had the money I wouldn't have a problem with it. Although I would like her to at least offer. We both were paying bills and not making a whole lot of money. It was basically if you ain't paying we aint going out. That is what I didn't like. You can call me anal all you want. I don't think that is healthy in a 5yr relationship. In a long term relationship who pays should not be an issue. When I was married my wife used to pay if I was not around. Sometimes she would grab the check from the waiter to look at it and then give her credit card. She was bothered because I would often pay without looking at the check. I am sure many times the waiter thought I was a kept man and I enjoyed that. Sometimes
PhillyDude Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 my grandmom told me years ago that the man always paid unless it was his birthday
Keke1 Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 In a long term relationship who pays should not be an issue. When I was married my wife used to pay if I was not around. Sometimes she would grab the check from the waiter to look at it and then give her credit card. She was bothered because I would often pay without looking at the check. I am sure many times the waiter thought I was a kept man and I enjoyed that. Sometimes I have to reiterate what I meant. I don't expect her to offer all the time. Every once in awhile to me at least shows that im being appreciated. Do you think its ok for her to not even attempt though?
Lilmisus Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 I would be OFFENDED and chew out the waiter or waitress assuming this. Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean that I need a man to pay for me. I make plenty of money; I can afford to pay for myself. I would make a scene and put her in check for this seriously. I don't like people "assuming" things about me. Don't assume that it will be the man who will be paying. I'm a modern woman; I have no problem paying for a guy. OP, No offense but it's pretty pathetic to be so broke and always need to depend on your bf to pay for you. I pride myself on being independent and being able to provide for myself. I can't stand weak women who need a man to take care of them; I just feel embarrassed for them. I must say, as a server, I'd find it rude on your part if you chewed out a server for placing a bill in front of the male. Typically, I place it at the end or in the center of the table if no one has spoken up on who is paying for it or if it's split or not (usually, they speak up). But, I have sometimes placed it in front of the woman just because that's the only available spot on the table, and three times that I remember, they have caused an uproar over THAT, by saying "How many women actually pay for the bills?" "Do I look like the man?" or the man saying "Hey! Can I take you out if you think the woman should pay?" And I agree with D-lish, the second part of your comment is just plain harsh and rude. Just because you make enough money to take yourself out on dates, doesn't mean everyone else can too. But OP, just bring it up if you feel it's an issue. Many guys will be extremely appreciative for a woman paying for every other date or splitting the bill this way or that. If going out was my idea, I typically treat my boyfriend. If I know he didn't make that much at work that week, I offer or at least offer to split it, and I know it means a huge amount to him since too many females don't bother trying. One day, when you have the money, reach for the bill and tell him "I'd like to treat you this time" just to put the foot in the door, and trust me...even if he declines, it will mean a great deal to him that you offered.
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