Is she using me as her boy-toy or actually considering getting back together?

[valky]

Long story -- I cheated on her, we were in love but I was traveling and I did not have to resolve I needed to. She found out and left me after a 3 year relationship and only a month into the marriage.

 

I've been seeing professional therapy to ensure I would not falter again if given a chance (behavioral counseling). We've been separated for 3 months and since then she has told me she has slept with 11 men trying to get over me.

 

We spent a month with NC, then she called me when in Vegas saying she missed me. We ended up seeing each other and having sex. The next day she said she regretted it.

 

A couple of weeks passed, and she tells me she wants to be friends with benefits. We start having sex fairly regularly, and she tells me she's still dating and having sex with others.

 

I tell her I will treat her like I'm her bf even if she doesn't want to make the commitment:

* I take her out to eat at really nice restaurants

* I buy her clothes/toiletries so when she sleeps over she has some stuff to call her's

* I get a transponder for the toll roads so I can take her to school in the mornings and make it back to work on time

* I wait for her, I do not date, I do not involve any other women

* I watch as she texts other men in bed after having sex with me

 

After 2 weeks of this, I'm thinking I'm making progress. She tells me things like "When I'm gone at graduate school, I'll really miss you & miss this". Then Friday 9/16/11 comes along. I was supposed to see her after my work ended. She tells me she went to have sex with another guy because she had the "urge" and that I should accept it as we are not together.

 

I still see her that night and we have sex. Internally I'm torn up and dying inside. She can sense when I act differently and she starts thinking I'm lying or hiding something. Naturally, her mind jumps to me likely not waiting for her (is she projecting? is it because I cheated in the past?). I tell her the truth - that I'm waiting for her, but I can't be her psuedo "BF" anymore.

 

But she invited me to her best friend's birthday on Saturday 9/17/11, I paid for us and we were a little affectionate in front of everyone, but we did not go "together".

 

Anyway, I started talking to a girl on Monday 9/19 (when she told me she was having sex with the same guy again that night). Since then my ex noticed a girl calling me when we were hanging out and I've told her about the girl I was talking to. She was offended, and she even tried to text the other girl to warn her about me and to stay away.

 

Today 9/23/11, she told me if I could be completely honest with her and be forward with everything. Like to volunteer information rather than to wait until she has to ask - that she could be sexually monogamous to me. She said that since I had hidden texts/conversations from that other girl, she would be having sex with someone today.

 

It's hard for me to get anything done at work. I really love this girl, but I feel so confused. Her mixed signals are making me go crazy. I want honesty and her fidelity - but she uses sex as a weapon when she sleeps with other guys. She told me when she senses I'm lying, she just "knows" that she has to sleep with someone else.

 

We were supposed to see each other tonight, after my work ends. But she just texted me the following:

 

ex: Awwww you are CUUUUUUUTTEEE 9:42 AM

ex: I'm not going to see you tonight 10:15 AM

Me: what? 10:15 AM

ex: Just for tonight I'll sew you tomorrow 10:16 AM

Me: ???? 10:16 AM

ex: Huh? 10:18 AM

Me: I thought we had a plan for today? 10:19 AM

ex: I think we both need space from each other 10:20 AM

Me: I'm already wrought with thoughts about what is happening today, the only consolation is that today is the last time it will happen if I'm honest and that I'd see you tonight 10:20 AM

ex: I think I would be hit with too much drama from you tonight let's just see each other tomorrow 10:22 AM

Me: no drama. I'll see you after work, we will hold each other and make this right. 10:23 AM

Me: I'm scared for today - but happy I can see the horizon. 10:23 AM

Me: no drama, we will take it easy and make this right. 10:24 AM

 

 

 

I need advice. Am I being used? Does she want me, but is scared I'll cheat on her again? Is she using sex as a defense mechanism from getting emotionally close to me?

 

What should I do? I would give anything to try again. I would never cheat on her again - and I'd continue therapy with her to see this through until the end.

[valky]

Sorry for the length on the original post, I just was hoping to get some advice.

 

So she just blew up at me and told me I must be lying. Then she said she was going to have sex with someone and that all our plans were canceled.

 

I wrote the following:

 

"Today you gave me a real sign of hope.

I will be there for you today. I do not care what you’ve done, or whom with.

You asked for complete honesty, I will be there for you without games or baggage.

 

I only care about the future. I only care about a fresh start to build a real relationship.

I will not throw away a chance at monogamy from this evening forward from you.

 

Complete honesty. I will be at your place after work.

 

<3 always,

your gummy bear

 

P.S. After my therapy ends, I’ll keep paying for therapy for us to make sure you are happy.

P.P.S. Poetry reading and scuba diving will be the start of our activities that will keep us mutually interested for life."

 

I really can't do this anymore. I feel like if she mentioned monogamy, then I should show up for her and give her a chance to have what she suggested. I can't keep this up knowing she's having sex with other guys.

 

I could use any advice you guys have. My mind feels completely clouded in emotion.

[january2011]

In my opinion, there's a lot of drama in your 'relationship'. I believe that trust once broken is irreparable.

 

Personally, I'd walk away and continue individual therapy. If she's happy doing what she's doing and jeopardising her sexual health, there's no reason for her to endanger yours too. If you haven't been tested for STDs, I'd put that at the top of the 'to do' list along with filing for divorce.

[valky]

Our chemistry is simply amazing, in and out of bed. It's easily the strongest connection I've felt in my life with any other person.

 

I just can't mentally endure this pattern in its current state any longer. When she told me she would be monogamous if I was honest, my heart skipped a few beats.

 

I feel like I can't give up, I feel addicted to making this right. It feels as if my entire personal life has become devoted to making this right over the last couple of months.

 

Should I cut off contact if she abandons me today? If after engaging in intercourse with another man, she tells me no? I feel like this is so dysfunctional. It's hard to think strait. Is it wrong to try to get her to follow through on her words tonight?

[january2011]

Your experience seems akin to a drug addict looking for another fix. That doesn't sound healthy.

 

She's having sex with other men. Lots of other men. You don't want her to. Putting a proviso about honesty into the mix isn't necessarily going to make her change her behaviour. And there's no telling whether or not at some point in the future she will decide that you've not been as honest as she'd like and she reverts back to her current behaviour to 'punish' you.

 

We can only give our opinions, if everything in your being tells you to go for it, then that is what you will do regardless of how strongly we voice our objections and reiterate that you should walk away.

[valky]

I truly feel addicted to her. Is it wrong to want to make this right?

 

I believe she cares for me, but is running away because she doesn't trust me. Is this situation hopeless?

[Thieves]

Alright. There's something seriously wrong with this woman. And when I say 'something wrong', I mean as in a deep personality defect that deals with her self-esteem which can only be worked on in therapy or counseling. I'm serious when I say you cannot continue to see this woman in any shape or form for a while, until you are decently healed. Until you both are. Why?

 

1. When push comes to shove, it's obvious: She is using sex as a weapon. Not maybe, not kind of. She IS. How do I know this? "I want honesty and her fidelity - but she uses sex as a weapon when she sleeps with other guys. She told me when she senses I'm lying, she just "knows" that she has to sleep with someone else." Wow.

 

2. You both are being unrealistic if you think you can separate from not only a relationship, but a marriage, and try to see each other again after 3 months and have things be alright.

 

3. It was extremely foolish to get into a friends with benefits situation. I keep asking myself, why do people do this? Even full grown adults, who should know better. Why on Earth would a person accept and get into a FWB situation so soon after breaking up? Why do people believe it'll be okay when they're clearly still invested in the break up? Things are bound to go into a downward spiral.

 

Are you being used? Yes.

Does she want you? Possibly. But she is no way ready to take on the responsibility of a committed, monogamous relationship, and listen closely: you can't make her ready either. This is a problem that is deeply rooted in her that she needs to take care of herself, as an adult first, before she can participate in any kind of healthy relationship with anyone. You can't help this woman anymore, only she can.

 

Bottom line: You two do not need to go into therapy together. In my not so humble opinion, you two really need to go into therapy separately first, and work on your individual selves. 'Separately' being the magic word. You two need to be apart, period, for a while before you can even begin to say the words 'committed relationship'. With you guys breaking up 1 month after the marriage, then with her sleeping around with lots of men, and you two being friends with benefits soon after... you haven't even had a chance to truly breathe.

 

I know it's hard, but you need to take time away from each other - that means total and complete no contact - to clear your head, work on yourselves, and finally get some good perspective on what's happened. Then when some time has passed (and I do mean some time), you both have worked on yourselves, and you still feel you'd like to give it another shot, then you can see if you'd both like to take up therapy together. The trust in this relationship has been broken and cannot be fixed while still having sex with each other while being FWB's and not working out your own personal faults. No matter what. Break it to her that you're cutting off the FWB's thing, let her know all of this, then go No Contact.

[january2011]

No, it's not wrong to want to make this right.

 

However, it's easy to find justification for her actions if you try hard enough. She needs to take responsibility for her own behaviour rather than blaming you for what you do and don't do. Marriage vows aside, we are talking about sexual health here, not a few pennies being inserted into a slot machine. She seems out of control. Someone who cares for you is not going to continue to sleep with you and also seek the physical attentions of other men. This is not someone who has your best interests at heart.

 

One step on the road to a 'cure' for an addiction is going cold turkey. You know what you need to do. Otherwise, you'll both continue to circle the drain, toing and froing in this 'relationship'.

[valky]

Thank you all for all the responses, it really helps give me some perspective.

 

Today was the first day she mentioned actually trying to be monogamous. Is this a false hope? You don't know how happy I became when, after three months of absolute sadness, she said something like that.

 

Even if I volunteer all honesty, and ensure no lies are ever said. Will she use her 'feelings' of me lying to continue sleeping with other men?

 

I really want to make this right, but she's all over the radar. And we share the most tender of moments, she will sleep over and hold me. She will tell me she feels the most comfortable with me, she will kiss me from head to toe. Random people tell us we look like a couple of lovebirds.

 

Why would she change her tone today if there wasn't hope? Why would she tell the woman I started talking to, to go away? is she toying with my emotions?

[january2011]

Your emotions are clouding your judgement. Take your emotions out of it by going cold turkey. What she does and doesn't do should be of no concern to you. Focus on you first. Be whole first before you offer yourself to someone else.

[Thieves]

Thank you all for all the responses, it really helps give me some perspective.

 

Today was the first day she mentioned actually trying to be monogamous. Is this a false hope? You don't know how happy I became when, after three months of absolute sadness, she said something like that.

 

Even if I volunteer all honesty, and ensure no lies are ever said. Will she use her 'feelings' of me lying to continue sleeping with other men?

 

I really want to make this right, but she's all over the radar. And we share the most tender of moments, she will sleep over and hold me. She will tell me she feels the most comfortable with me, she will kiss me from head to toe. Random people tell us we look like a couple of lovebirds.

 

Why would she change her tone today if there wasn't hope? Why would she tell the woman I started talking to, to go away? is she toying with my emotions?

 

Valky. Listen. You two are not at all ready to get back into a relationship - a healthy one at least. Sounds silly, but this situation reminds me of two people with missing arms and legs. Both are bleeding, and one's missing their arms, while the other's missing their legs. Both are trying to help each other... but they can't. No one can truly help the other because they're missing parts of themselves that are broken or just plain gone.

 

Again, it's not wrong to want to make this right, but you can't make it right. Even if her tone has changed, she hasn't. No way that she has in this very short amount of time, I'm sorry. You two need to be totally apart for a while. Like January said, your emotions are clouding your judgment. Your heart and your emotions got you into this mess, so use the opposite this time: your logic and your head. You know the way she's treating you is not right. The only way you can fix this is to go No Contact and work on yourself first. She's an adult who needs to stand on her own, by herself, and take responsibility for her well being and her actions. You can't baby her forever.