Tom Crick Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Hey, I'll try to keep this succinct. My ex broke up with me in May. 7 months in for a guy who never did more than 6 had left him, I dunno, scared. Or something. He'd been married once, for 6 months, and in the intervening 6 years had never crossed the 6 month mark. But we did. I went on holiday with him and his family, spent Christmas with each other and even had the, 'would you like to have a child one day?' chat. All that instigated by him. Lovely. As was the break-up - not so lovely. He apparently 'hadn't fallen' for me, which I swallowed. I then didn't do the 'typical bird' (sorry) thing - I cut him off completely. No tears, no late-night ringing, no desperation. In fact, he tried to contact me 4 times after we broke up and he received a resounding silence each time. The final time, he (nobly) said, 'I won't contact you again.' But he has. The e-mails started, with 'Hi Tom Crick,' and signing off with his name. Then, he'd sign off with a kiss. Then, he started to use my pet-name so I, amused, replied using his, thus upping it again to the next level where we now e-mail exclusively as 'Honey Bunch' and 'Fruit Loop' (or whatever our pet names are He said that he was here for me 'until I die,' and when I ignored that mail, he mailed again, reiterating his intention of permanence. I, a bit bored by now, said, 'and how shall I use that, sweetheart?' He's now venturing we meet up for a drink. Complimenting me on my appearance. Asking after everyone and everything that he ever knew in my life. He's quite emotionally ballsed up, I must say; he had depression in the months leading up to our decline, finds it difficult to say how he feels and was seeing a shrink. So, I don't expect a bull in a china shop confession of feelings, especially seeing as I'm purposely not showing my hand at all. He doesn't know if I'm seeing anyone and I've alluded to very busy weekends - they have been, too, in all honesty, but I've not elaborated any further. But I'm not sure whether meeting him would be good. I've spent the past 4 months clearing him out of my head - do I want to hear his voice again? See him? Desperately fancy him again? Er, no, no and no. He's being tentative but quietly determined, I think, and I wouldn't want to miss the opportunity to have a face-to-face and reunite. But I find myself feeling a bit lost and wary. Any advice would be much appreciated Cheers TC
TheDovic Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 do I want to hear his voice again? See him? Desperately fancy him again? Er, no, no and no. I think you've answered these three questions and might even believe them BUT you're actions are saying another thing i.e. you've posted on here looking for advice even though you "appear" to have made your mind up! In saying that I appreciate how difficult it is to let go. My concern is this person left you for someone else, so what's to stop them from doing it again? To play devil's advocate though, depression is a terrible thing and has ways of messing up your thinking so if he's been getting help and is now able to see more clearly then maybe he realises his mistake! I'd definitely play things cool though because dumpers have the tendency to draw us in to get some reassurance, then throw us away when they get it. Tread lightly!!!
Author Tom Crick Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 Okay, okay, you've got me! I know that I don't want to put myself in that position again, but that if it was that simple, my mind would be made up and no, I wouldn't be posting I suppose I'm at that point of thinking, 'okay, so he's wanting to meet - this could be a good thing!' but am also trying to be very, very wary because I don't want to get hurt again. A slight correction - he didn't leave me for someone else (as far as I know, of course). He left because he 'hadn't fallen,' for me. I thought that was bull, but didn't say it and have made no reference to the relationship whatsoever. I'm kinda proud of myself for that, I must say - I've given him absolutely nothing and whatever comes of this, my dignity didn't desert me. A friend said to me, re this, 'any salvage operation must be led completely by him,' which I agree with. My sticking point is that IS this a salvage operation or is he just playing around? But this isn't the same as seeing a car like his and thinking it's a sign from the universe; there IS progress being made. I just need to heed your advice - and my own instincts - to keep my cards close to my chest, give away very little and let him do the leg work Cheers
TheDovic Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Your friend's advice is totally right. If he wants you he will move heaven and earth to make it happen! In the meantime let him do the work and prove himself to you. The more you make him try the more special he will realise you are
january2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Has he specifically said that he wants to get back together? What has changed for him in the past four months? A few playful emails and suggestions about meeting up for a drink could mean anything or nothing. I think that you need to focus on protecting your heart and, curiousity aside, if you don't want to be pulled into his maestrom again then it's best not to even hover in the vicinity.
Author Tom Crick Posted September 24, 2011 Author Posted September 24, 2011 He's not specifically said very much at all, which is why it feels - to me - like he's testing the water. I'm just following the 'any salvage campaign' advice from my friend and trying not to get too invested. As you say, until he says something clearer, I'm right to be wary. I'm dating other guys, too, so as not to put all my eggs into one basket. But I also feel that if he'd like to meet up, I may be stupid in not moving towards that. On the other hand, yes, there's a risk - it's just about trying to weigh up the pros and cons of playing that risk, I suppose. Never easy! Cheers
TheDovic Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 Wait for him to actually SAY he wants to meet up, don't initiate this yourself, and even then be wary. My ex had been texting me for weeks saying she's sad, she misses me etc and asked on four occasions to come and see me. Eventually I gave in and guess what??? She was too busy on the night in question! I don't understand dumpers, but they seem to need constant reassurance we're still interested, even when they don't want us back. Terrible thing about this is we (the dumpees) hold onto every thread of hope they dangle in front of us. Read this post by Besmy, makes a lot of sense to me: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t297551/
Author Tom Crick Posted September 24, 2011 Author Posted September 24, 2011 Very interesting thread - thank you! Oh, he has said he'd like to meet up, so that was his impetus. But I'm NOT going to go for the first date he says because that looks way too eager and compliant. I don't think he's manipulative and cruel and I don't think he'd suggest meeting up as a way to simply get his ego stroked by my acquiescence. And that's me talking from knowing him, rather than what I would like to believe. But beyond that, I AM in the dark which is why this 'wary' thing is good; it's what I plan on being. It's odd - there's another ex of mine who's recently got back in touch (we both do the same sport and used to pair up together) and I know for a fact that he wants me back. He doesn't even have to say it. It's there in his messages and his suggestions of meeting. But the ex I'm dealing with now is someone who is a touch more complicated, a little more convoluted and because I want him back, it's harder to believe, perhaps, than with someone that you can just go, 'oh....him, no thanks,' over. But I don't think they have to come right out and say it for you to know. Debate-fodder, I'm sure! Anyway, my cards will be kept tight to my chest and I'm still dating other guys so I'm okay....I hope!
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