Update to the separated man thread - I met him

[i'mfaraway]

he sounds as if he is a completely married man - who is shopping for a willing OW. do you wish to be his OW?

 

men such as this - who have asked me out - and it appears or sounds as if they are still married = i just tell them "you sound like you're still married = i don't DO married!" that allows them to understand they are fishing in the wrong pond!

 

if they swear they aren't married - i do a back round check... a man hiding NOTHING isn't bothered at all about checking out his "history" - as long as it is HISTORY!

 

I don't do OW, which was exactly what I told him.

 

By now, I'm more curious by this whole situation and that's why I'm still working this thread. Sure, I felt the connection with this dodgy man. But I'm not going to risk my current state of life to be with someone like this.

 

I don't like him enough to get to where I do a background check.

 

Probably I'm just sitting here wondering how good it would have been if he was single and could still connect with me.

[carhill]

Why do you think women are attracted to unhappy and bitter men?

 

I've always experienced the opposite, so I must opine that such a man must be exceedingly good looking and/or charming in his unhappy bitterness.

 

In his unhappiness he has happenis.

[i'mfaraway]

Out of curiousity, why would people label themselves as "separated" instead of "single" if they want to fool around?

 

Wouldn't that be a lot easier to bait?

[2sunny]

I don't do OW, which was exactly what I told him.

 

By now, I'm more curious by this whole situation and that's why I'm still working this thread. Sure, I felt the connection with this dodgy man. But I'm not going to risk my current state of life to be with someone like this.

 

I don't like him enough to get to where I do a background check.

 

Probably I'm just sitting here wondering how good it would have been if he was single and could still connect with me.

 

when you call them on the words they chose - they tend to be surprised that you notice "how married they sound to be" - and then they understand you are on to their game... then they don't contact again - which is good, because they are shopping for that WILLING other woman, and THAT gal isn't me.

 

i send the message loud and clear. i want a man who wants ONLY me... a married man can't be THAT man if he's still married!

 

by the way - even IF he's divorced, and still talks a lot about his prior women/ woman/ marriage - she is still taking up space in his head and his heart = and that makes him still unavailable!

[i'mfaraway]

I've always experienced the opposite, so I must opine that such a man must be exceedingly good looking and/or charming in his unhappy bitterness.

 

In his unhappiness he has happenis.

 

Oh, quite the contrary. I wasn't attracted to him at all when I first met him. I was almost heaving a sigh of relief since for those who've followed my earlier thread, I was apprehensive about meeting a separated man.

 

But I'm always attracted to smart people I can connect intelligently with so I grew attracted to him and it helped mask the fact that I was bothered by the fact that he wasn't a happy person and could bring issues to my life.

[carhill]

Out of curiousity, why would people label themselves as "separated" instead of "single" if they want to fool around?

 

Wouldn't that be a lot easier to bait?

Some don't. My first MW didn't for a couple months. Got me good. Then it got 'complicated' and the marital re-write began.

 

IMO, weaving a story with elements of truth allows for virtual credibility and also for a fallback in case things go sideways...

 

'You know, I told you at the beginning I was separated' bla, bla...

[i'mfaraway]

when you call them on the words they chose - they tend to be surprised that you notice "how married they sound to be" - and then they understand you are on to their game... then they don't contact again - which is good, because they are shopping for that WILLING other woman, and THAT gal isn't me.

 

i send the message loud and clear. i want a man who wants ONLY me... a married man can't be THAT man if he's still married!

 

by the way - even IF he's divorced, and still talks a lot about his prior women/ woman/ marriage - she is still taking up space in his head and his heart = and that makes him still unavailable!

 

True. My friends said he could tell from my text that while I enjoyed spending time with him, I wasn't about to drop everything to be the OW. So he decided to stop contacting me.

[i'mfaraway]

Some don't. My first MW didn't for a couple months. Got me good. Then it got 'complicated' and the marital re-write began.

 

IMO, weaving a story with elements of truth allows for virtual credibility and also for a fallback in case things go sideways...

 

'You know, I told you at the beginning I was separated' bla, bla...

 

Now that I read it, it made a lot of sense. "I already told you I was in this situation and I thought you understood." I can almost help him write his script.

[Star Gazer]

Even if what he says is true, you'd be a rebound with an emotionally unavailable man - he needs time to heal. Why would you sign up for that?

[i'mfaraway]

Even if what he says is true, you'd be a rebound with an emotionally unavailable man - he needs time to heal. Why would you sign up for that?

 

I did think of that. The timing was just completely off.

 

I don't want to go through all this. I did say there's a chance he could forgive his wife for cheating and get back with her. I got that sense since he didn't get a divorce after all this time. His reasoning is the kids.

 

But I'm not sure there are so many self-sacrificing men out there. Divorce is nothing uncommon these days.

[2sunny]

I did think of that. The timing was just completely off.

 

I don't want to go through all this. I did say there's a chance he could forgive his wife for cheating and get back with her. I got that sense since he didn't get a divorce after all this time. His reasoning is the kids.

 

But I'm not sure there are so many self-sacrificing men out there. Divorce is nothing uncommon these days.

 

IF he intended to be DIVORCED (past tense) he would be... but he's NOT = so he is unavailable!

[oaks]

Out of curiousity, why would people label themselves as "separated" instead of "single" if they want to fool around?

 

Wouldn't that be a lot easier to bait?

 

I've often wondered that - it doesn't seem to make sense to "pretend" to be undesirable if you're actually married and looking for an affair (as opposed to genuinely separated and looking for a relationship with someone you can be honest with).

[oaks]

True. My friends said he could tell from my text that while I enjoyed spending time with him' date=' I wasn't about to drop everything to be the OW. So he decided to stop contacting me.[/quote']

 

Maybe he just wasn't that into you.

[carhill]

What about romance makes sense?

 

I see the power of this in the OP's questions. She's intrigued. He's a bit mysterious. There's a cheating wife lurking about somewhere, his social proof. Things seem clear but not entirely. Questions, questions. Fuels that attraction engine well.

[oaks]

What about romance makes sense?

 

Fair point, well made.

[country_gurl]

He should have lied all the way. I don't get his idea of telling the "truth" about his marriage situation and then trying to get someone in bed. He might have a higher success rate if he had lied and said he was single.

 

Well believe it or not, there are more than plenty of women out there who are attracted to married men (some even seek them out); check out the Other Man/Other Woman forum here..........so that being said, many wouldn't care about any of what he told you.

 

The fact that he was pretty hush-hush about his whole scenario says to me that he's fully married and still living with his wife but not wanting to say too much because anything he'd say would be a bold-faced LIE and should you have been interested in him, you'd have eventually found out his lies. What he basically gave you are lies by omission.

 

Him telling you the sob story about his wife cheating on him is a classic 'cheating married man' line. They will always make themselves look like the victim (wife cheating, wife is unstable, staying just for the kids, etc etc) because there are actually women out there who are desperate and naive enough to feel "sympathy" for such a louse, such that they'd continue to see him. Glad you have more class, integrity and morals.

[FitChick]

I have yet to meet a man who admitted to cheating on his wife. It has always been the wives cheating on the husbands. Yeah, right.

[i'mfaraway]

Maybe he just wasn't that into you.

 

True that. How self-centered of me to not have thought of that possibility?

 

What about romance makes sense?

 

I see the power of this in the OP's questions. She's intrigued. He's a bit mysterious. There's a cheating wife lurking about somewhere, his social proof. Things seem clear but not entirely. Questions, questions. Fuels that attraction engine well.

 

Carhill, you put it so well. Now that I read it, I know that's how I feel. I just didn't realize it until I read what you wrote.

 

Maybe that's why some people go for the MW or MM, huh?

 

Well believe it or not, there are more than plenty of women out there who are attracted to married men (some even seek them out); check out the Other Man/Other Woman forum here..........so that being said, many wouldn't care about any of what he told you.

 

The fact that he was pretty hush-hush about his whole scenario says to me that he's fully married and still living with his wife but not wanting to say too much because anything he'd say would be a bold-faced LIE and should you have been interested in him, you'd have eventually found out his lies. What he basically gave you are lies by omission.

 

Him telling you the sob story about his wife cheating on him is a classic 'cheating married man' line. They will always make themselves look like the victim (wife cheating, wife is unstable, staying just for the kids, etc etc) because there are actually women out there who are desperate and naive enough to feel "sympathy" for such a louse, such that they'd continue to see him. Glad you have more class, integrity and morals.

 

If he was that hush-hush, why would any woman be won over?

 

While intrigued, the whole thing about him scares me.

[country_gurl]

True that. How self-centered of me to not have thought of that possibility?

 

 

 

Carhill, you put it so well. Now that I read it, I know that's how I feel. I just didn't realize it until I read what you wrote.

 

Maybe that's why some people go for the MW or MM, huh?

 

 

 

If he was that hush-hush, why would any woman be won over?

 

While intrigued, the whole thing about him scares me.

 

I already told you, there are a lot of women who seek out married men OR who couldn't care less about a guy's marital status just as long as he's good looking and appears to have some degree of success/something to offer them.

 

Scares you? Why even waste 2 more seconds analyzing any of this? The guy is obviously very much married and is therefore not available.....move on and focus on finding someone who's transparent, truly single and honest.

[i'mfaraway]

I already told you, there are a lot of women who seek out married men OR who couldn't care less about a guy's marital status just as long as he's good looking and appears to have some degree of success/something to offer them.

 

Scares you? Why even waste 2 more seconds analyzing any of this? The guy is obviously very much married and is therefore not available.....move on and focus on finding someone who's transparent, truly single and honest.

 

It's really something I can put into my psychology paper. This is really interesting behavior. Or at least to me.

 

If only I could talk to his wife or the other women he's cheated on her with.

[country_gurl]

 

If only I could talk to his wife or the other women he's cheated on her with.

 

Good Lord, why are you seriously obsessing about this guy?....such that you're talking about wanting to talk to his wife or other women? Sounds rather obsessed/stalkerish, for someone who had one date with a scumbag.

[i'mfaraway]

Good Lord, why are you seriously obsessing about this guy?....such that you're talking about wanting to talk to his wife or other women? Sounds rather obsessed/stalkerish, for someone who had one date with a scumbag.

 

No. I mean for my paper.

 

Lighten up.

[ThsAmericanLife]

Carhill' date=' you put it so well. Now that I read it, I know that's how I feel. I just didn't realize it until I read what you wrote. .[/quote']

 

Really? Lots of us gave you the dirt on this guy before you even went on a first date... and gave you suggestions on how to fish out his stories before meeting him.

 

Then, you go ahead on the date anyway.... and then come here and write a bunch more posts about it.

 

Romance my butt... I have to believe that maybe you have a history of being drawn to drama??

 

This is a situation most would have avoided with one email. The first one where he mentioned he wasn't divorced yet.

 

Easy sneezy.

[i'mfaraway]

Really? Lots of us gave you the dirt on this guy before you even went on a first date... and gave you suggestions on how to fish out his stories before meeting him.

 

Then, you go ahead on the date anyway.... and then come here and write a bunch more posts about it.

 

Romance my butt... I have to believe that maybe you have a history of being drawn to drama??

 

This is a situation most would have avoided with one email. The first one where he mentioned he wasn't divorced yet.

 

Easy sneezy.

 

It's the intrigue. I wasn't referring to the romance part in Carhill's post.

 

For the record, I have never had any relationships drama. I steer clear of them, even if I think and analyze such a lot.

[country_gurl]

Really? Lots of us gave you the dirt on this guy before you even went on a first date... and gave you suggestions on how to fish out his stories before meeting him.

 

Then, you go ahead on the date anyway.... and then come here and write a bunch more posts about it.

 

Romance my butt... I have to believe that maybe you have a history of being drawn to drama??

 

This is a situation most would have avoided with one email. The first one where he mentioned he wasn't divorced yet.

 

Easy sneezy.

 

Exactly!

 

The questions she asked him on their date should have at least been questions she asked him prior to even deciding to meet him. She should have asked him prior to even meeting:

 

-how long have you been separated for?

-do you still reside with your estranged wife?

-what are your plans for divorce, is that something you or your wife have filed/are pursuing?

 

Even when someone claims in a dating profile that they're single or divorced, one should seriously CONFIRM this to be the case by asking and not assuming. I can't tell you how many men claim to be divorced but when you come right out and ask them how long they've been divorced for, THEN the story comes out....."well as far as I'm concerned I'm divorced because we're separated and I'm over her." Even had one guy ask me to "define divorced" when I was confirming that he was in fact divorced as per his dating profile.

 

A smart woman asks the right questions so as to avoid wasting time with a deadbeat or liar.