i'mfaraway Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 This is an update to the separated man. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t298236/ I met him afterall. He said his wife has been cheating on him and that he's still in the relationship (though only in paper) because of their kids. He didn't seem to want to give a lot of information away because he wants to protect the fact that he's still a "family man." It felt like he was trying to "sell" himself, that he's a good catch for me. I don't dislike him but I'm doubtful. How many of you think he's lying about the whole wife thing?
oaks Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Using the phrase "still in the relationship" (if those were his words) makes it sounds like he hasn't left her, which obviously sounds bad. Does he see her for anything other than dropping off / picking up the kids (assuming they are sharing custody)? Can't tell if he's lying - more info required - but it doesn't sound ideal!
Author i'mfaraway Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 Using the phrase "still in the relationship" (if those were his words) makes it sounds like he hasn't left her, which obviously sounds bad. Does he see her for anything other than dropping off / picking up the kids (assuming they are sharing custody)? Can't tell if he's lying - more info required - but it doesn't sound ideal! You see, saying the whole thing about his relationship is his way of being honest about the situation. No details to the kids situation though he mentioned that she travels a lot so I assume they still live together, just don't see each other that much. I find the whole telling me about his wife cheating weird. Which man is proud of sharing this sort of information with just anyone?
oaks Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 You see, saying the whole thing about his relationship is his way of being honest about the situation. No details to the kids situation though he mentioned that she travels a lot so I assume they still live together, just don't see each other that much. Hmm. Would you be happy dating someone who is "separated" but still living with their spouse? I wouldn't, although I do know some couples in that situation. I find the whole telling me about his wife cheating weird. Which man is proud of sharing this sort of information with just anyone? I'm guessing that it's his way of saying why he's available. Anyway, how did the date go?
Author i'mfaraway Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 Hmm. Would you be happy dating someone who is "separated" but still living with their spouse? I wouldn't, although I do know some couples in that situation. I'm guessing that it's his way of saying why he's available. Anyway, how did the date go? I'm not even thinking so far as to whether I'd be happy dating someone separated but still living with their spouse. I'm just thinking whether it's a whole scam I didn't spot initially, even if I was cautious. The date was good. I enjoyed myself. But it was quite a pity, given his situation. You seem quite optimistic to think that that was his way of saying why he's available. I just feel that it sounds dubious.
oaks Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 You seem quite optimistic to think that that was his way of saying why he's available. I just feel that it sounds dubious. Yes to the first part, but I also think it sounds dubious. From what you've said here, I'm surprised you didn't ask more questions. I'm separated myself, and I usually get asked more questions (how recently, where does she live etc) than you seem to have done (although, to be fair, they don't always come up on the first date). If you want to know you're going to have to ask, and if he avoids it for some excuse about protecting privacy or whatever he said then either walk away or call him out on that BS.
Author i'mfaraway Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 Yes to the first part, but I also think it sounds dubious. From what you've said here, I'm surprised you didn't ask more questions. I'm separated myself, and I usually get asked more questions (how recently, where does she live etc) than you seem to have done (although, to be fair, they don't always come up on the first date). If you want to know you're going to have to ask, and if he avoids it for some excuse about protecting privacy or whatever he said then either walk away or call him out on that BS. It's an issue with me. I have a lot of questions but I don't always ask them. He already felt I was grilling him anyway. I doubt he'll see me again. He didn't send me a text or anything after it. He said he didn't think I liked him. I said it was a difficult situation for me to get into. But I didn't say I didn't like him. I guess if it wasn't for his situation, I would have been able to be more obvious with how I felt. I texted to thank him for the evening, which I do with everyone. And he didn't even reply. So I feel it was a scam. Or he felt he needed some girl that wouldn't waste so much of his time, given that he was the one cheating on his wife.
oaks Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 I texted to thank him for the evening' date=' which I do with everyone. And he didn't even reply. So I feel it was a scam. Or he felt he needed some girl that wouldn't waste so much of his time, given that he was the one cheating on his wife. [/quote'] Oh. Well in that case don't waste more time thinking about him. Find someone who's actually interested in you, and if that person is also separated then ask a few more questions. Well done for being open-minded enough to give it a try.
phillyfan Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 This is an update to the separated man. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t298236/ I met him afterall. He said his wife has been cheating on him and that he's still in the relationship (though only in paper) because of their kids. He didn't seem to want to give a lot of information away because he wants to protect the fact that he's still a "family man." It felt like he was trying to "sell" himself, that he's a good catch for me. I don't dislike him but I'm doubtful. How many of you think he's lying about the whole wife thing? Dude RUN this is real playa behavior. The dude is stil married, he aint givin away any info because he is married and he dont want u 2 find that out (n he dont want his wife 2 find out about u!). 5 dates down the line n ull be thinkin 'why do we neva meet at his place'?! Oh yea and...'I'm seperated but still livin wit my wife'? U know wat the official name 4 that is? MARRIED.
OliveOyl Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 That doesn't sound so good. It doesn't necessarily sound like a scam, but it may be... it's hard to tell from such limited information. But when you talked about separated, I thought you meant separated separated, as in living completely apart from one's spouse, with complete intention to divorce (e.g. papers filed, etc.). I have heard of "separated but still living together" but that is a situation I personally wouldn't touch.
january2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Unless he has filed for divorce and is living separately, I think that the potential for this to end badly for you is higher because he's a lot closer to reconciliation with his wife than he is to being able to make any kind of solid commitment to you. He might be lying, he might be telling the truth. However, if you feel he's being guarded and not telling you the whole story then I'd take it as a sign that your internal alarm bells are ringing and that's not a good start to any relationship.
Author i'mfaraway Posted September 24, 2011 Author Posted September 24, 2011 I'm leaning toward it being a scam or him being a player or him looking to cheat on his wife (whether or not she was cheating on him). Have never heard from it after. Tells me enough that because I didn't put out or looked like I would. It sucks though since I enjoyed the talking part of the time we hung out. Then again, it could be him playing up the player part that made me feel like I wanted more (though my "more" is different from his).
Author i'mfaraway Posted September 24, 2011 Author Posted September 24, 2011 I just saw the other "touchy-feely" thread and remembered this. This separated man is also touchy-feely with me the first time I met him. He was flirting with me quite a bit. That could mean he wants to only sleep with me, right?
carhill Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 How many of you think he's lying about the whole wife thing? My instinct, as a man, is that he is, and that's not uncommon. You went on the date, had a good time, uncovered some information which, to most onlookers, probably are red flags for a healthy potential R with him at this time. Write it off to a timing thing and no prejudice. His flirting meant he was interested in you sexually. Since, by his own admission, he's 'still in a relationship' with his cheating wife, it follows that he only wants to have sex with you or, at most, trickle truth you into an affair. I fell for this a few times when younger, though the parameters and style were different since the perpetrators were women. Men are far more obvious.
Author i'mfaraway Posted September 24, 2011 Author Posted September 24, 2011 My instinct, as a man, is that he is, and that's not uncommon. You went on the date, had a good time, uncovered some information which, to most onlookers, probably are red flags for a healthy potential R with him at this time. Write it off to a timing thing and no prejudice. His flirting meant he was interested in you sexually. Since, by his own admission, he's 'still in a relationship' with his cheating wife, it follows that he only wants to have sex with you or, at most, trickle truth you into an affair. I fell for this a few times when younger, though the parameters and style were different since the perpetrators were women. Men are far more obvious. He tried to make him the "victim" and that he doesn't do ONS or hookersville. For someone who doesn't do all that, I'm surprised by his touchy-feely. He's probably seasoned at what he's doing since I did enjoy my time with him. He never talked to me again after that day and he didn't reply to my text. I probably wasted his time. Sometimes guys should just come out and say I'm only looking for an affair instead of going round and round, with all the flirting. Some women are looking for the same and that's better than hanging out with someone like me that wouldn't put out. He should have lied all the way. I don't get his idea of telling the "truth" about his marriage situation and then trying to get someone in bed. He might have a higher success rate if he had lied and said he was single.
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 His flirting meant he was interested in you sexually. Since, by his own admission, he's 'still in a relationship' with his cheating wife, it follows that he only wants to have sex with you or, at most, trickle truth you into an affair.. Posted again for emphasis... 'trickle truth'... love that. Keep in mind OP, this person couldn't be up front over the phone. Had to get you on a date first. and about the wife cheating? I have never met, not even once, a man who continues living with a woman who is cheating on him. They usually find a way to get an apartment or find some way out of the situation. Given his behavior... I'm thinking the opposite is true. He cheated on her, maybe many times, and SHE is the one hanging in there for the kids. No offense to the men here who dated while they were separated... I don't see why people can't wait until their divorce is final. IMHO, one is either married or not. If they aren't divorced, they are married. Period.
daphne Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 (edited) it follows that he only wants to have sex with you or, at most, trickle truth you into an affair. This is exactly my perception of what he's trying to do. I've seen this time and time again, and not necessarily with married men. Essentially, the guy is mind f***ing you to see if you're willing to buy his version of reality. If you like lying to yourself, this is the way to go. He tried to make him the "victim" and that he doesn't do ONS or hookersville. For someone who doesn't do all that, I'm surprised by his touchy-feely. He's probably seasoned at what he's doing since I did enjoy my time with him. He never talked to me again after that day and he didn't reply to my text. I probably wasted his time. The victim cry is fairly common with cheaters and liars. This disarms a naive woman into believing he couldn't possibly be lying, because look, he's been there himself. My ex, who was a serial cheater, tried to hook me with that same excuse. His ex had cheated. Not before he had cheated on her with half the city. I would run the other way when I hear the blatant call to see a guy as the victim. Those that truly are, tend to not tell you right away out of embarrassment and perhaps fear of judgement. No, this guy wasted your time. I don't know why you think differently. He does not appear to be honest in any way to me, but puts out just enough information to say he told you already if you call him on his bs. It sounds like you are looking for someone who is unattached, available and looking for a real relationship. Who's wasting whose time trying to get the other one to commit adultery with him? To avoid the drama, I don't date seperated guys. I did go out on a first date with one, but he had a lot of baggage and despite appearances, was not a good candidate for a relationship. Edited September 24, 2011 by daphne
carhill Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 and about the wife cheating? I have never met, not even once, a man who continues living with a woman who is cheating on him. They usually find a way to get an apartment or find some way out of the situation. Yeah, life experience has taught me to be a bit skeptical about such revelations. I do have two contrary data points, but those are ones where the man was being demonstrably and concurrently unfaithful as well. One did get an apartment with his AP; one did not. Given his behavior... I'm thinking the opposite is true. He cheated on her, maybe many times, and SHE is the one hanging in there for the kids. That's a definite possibility. His style of approach to the OP seems pretty smooth for a guy devastated by infidelity of his spouse No offense to the men here who dated while they were separated... I don't see why people can't wait until their divorce is final. IMHO, one is either married or not. If they aren't divorced, they are married. Period. That's pretty much what I heard about 20 months ago when I asked here and was separated at the time. However, since then, I've seen data points which apparently indicate men have fewer inhibitions, those data points markedly being my exW and her best friend. Both have been quite 'involved' with men since early in the separation process, my exW living with her BF before our D was final and her GF becoming 'serious' with hers, though not cohabiting to my knowledge (she told me about him) prior to filing for D. So, some men apparently weigh the risks and wade in, or maybe just wade in
Author i'mfaraway Posted September 24, 2011 Author Posted September 24, 2011 Posted again for emphasis... 'trickle truth'... love that. Keep in mind OP, this person couldn't be up front over the phone. Had to get you on a date first. True. He said it could be misread or misconstrued over words rather than in person. and about the wife cheating? I have never met, not even once, a man who continues living with a woman who is cheating on him. They usually find a way to get an apartment or find some way out of the situation. Given his behavior... I'm thinking the opposite is true. He cheated on her, maybe many times, and SHE is the one hanging in there for the kids. No offense to the men here who dated while they were separated... I don't see why people can't wait until their divorce is final. IMHO, one is either married or not. If they aren't divorced, they are married. Period. A guy friend told me if his wife cheated on him, he would be too embarassed to broadcast it. So he believes this separated man isn't telling the truth. I agree that people should finalise their divorce or at least have started the process before going out there. Oh, the thing that I'm wondering is why he could meet me in such a public place. I'm not saying I'm buying the whole story now and jumping back in, but we met at a neighbourhood place and he could run into anyone he knows. Anyone has any ideas?
Author i'mfaraway Posted September 24, 2011 Author Posted September 24, 2011 This is exactly my perception of what he's trying to do. I've seen this time and time again, and not necessarily with married men. Essentially, the guy is mind f***ing you to see if you're willing to buy his version of reality. If you like lying to yourself, this is the way to go. I agree that this guy is trying to make me feel close to him by all the touching. It's too fast to be real. I've been in relationships with people that made all the long-term plans, fell in love too soon, only to end things as fast as they began. Not buying this one. Just a little disappointed that someone I thought I could communicate with turned out to be someone trying to lie his way in. The victim cry is fairly common with cheaters and liars. This disarms a naive woman into believing he couldn't possibly be lying, because look, he's been there himself. My ex, who was a serial cheater, tried to hook me with that same excuse. His ex had cheated. Not before he had cheated on her with half the city. I would run the other way when I hear the blatant call to see a guy as the victim. Those that truly are, tend to not tell you right away out of embarrassment and perhaps fear of judgement. No, this guy wasted your time. I don't know why you think differently. He does not appear to be honest in any way to me, but puts out just enough information to say he told you already if you call him on his bs. It sounds like you are looking for someone who is unattached, available and looking for a real relationship. Who's wasting whose time trying to get the other one to commit adultery with him? To avoid the drama, I don't date seperated guys. I did go out on a first date with one, but he had a lot of baggage and despite appearances, was not a good candidate for a relationship. I don't think differently. I don't think that he didn't waste my time. I just enjoyed the communication because it wasn't all sexual. It was actually quite intelligent. In any case, I'm not dating him. I don't do separated.
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 Yeah, life experience has taught me to be a bit skeptical about such revelations. I do have two contrary data points, but those are ones where the man was being demonstrably and concurrently unfaithful as well. One did get an apartment with his AP; one did not. That's a definite possibility. His style of approach to the OP seems pretty smooth for a guy devastated by infidelity of his spouse That's pretty much what I heard about 20 months ago when I asked here and was separated at the time. However, since then, I've seen data points which apparently indicate men have fewer inhibitions, those data points markedly being my exW and her best friend. Both have been quite 'involved' with men since early in the separation process, my exW living with her BF before our D was final and her GF becoming 'serious' with hers, though not cohabiting to my knowledge (she told me about him) prior to filing for D. So, some men apparently weigh the risks and wade in, or maybe just wade in People!! Sheesh! Can't live with em! Can't live without em'! Part of the reason I waited so long after my divorce to date again was a) I was afraid of the men I'd pick in my 'altered state' b) I didn't want a man who'd want to be with a woman in her potentially 'altered state'. I think we are both on the same page that the best relationships come from a position of strength...not trying to save one or pilfer from the other.
Author i'mfaraway Posted September 24, 2011 Author Posted September 24, 2011 That's a definite possibility. His style of approach to the OP seems pretty smooth for a guy devastated by infidelity of his spouse He did come across as unhappy and bitter. I can't verify that that tells that his wife is certainly cheating on him. But he wasn't chirpy. He just came across as a confident person that has gone through quite a bit in life.
carhill Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 The unhappiness and bitterness must've been minor or overshadowed by his charm and the intelligent conversation, since you reported an overall "The date was good. I enjoyed myself" retrospective opinion. Given the usual response around here to unhappy and bitter guys (I've been called that name myself a few times), I would opine he is the type of man you would be attracted to but decidedly do not want right now. Up to you which head (using 'male' terminology) will rule.
Author i'mfaraway Posted September 24, 2011 Author Posted September 24, 2011 The unhappiness and bitterness must've been minor or overshadowed by his charm and the intelligent conversation, since you reported an overall "The date was good. I enjoyed myself" retrospective opinion. Given the usual response around here to unhappy and bitter guys (I've been called that name myself a few times), I would opine he is the type of man you would be attracted to but decidedly do not want right now. Up to you which head (using 'male' terminology) will rule. Why do you think women are attracted to unhappy and bitter men? But I don't want a bitter or unhappy man in my life. I have no time to fix someone up. I'm attracted to him for his charm and intelligence but I can't have someone like this in my life. I just feel the "loss" in that I met someone that can hold a smart conversation but decidedly wrong for me.
2sunny Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 he sounds as if he is a completely married man - who is shopping for a willing OW. do you wish to be his OW? men such as this - who have asked me out - and it appears or sounds as if they are still married = i just tell them "you sound like you're still married = i don't DO married!" that allows them to understand they are fishing in the wrong pond! if they swear they aren't married - i do a back round check... a man hiding NOTHING isn't bothered at all about checking out his "history" - as long as it is HISTORY!
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