Eternal Sunshine Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 On the eve of moving in with the bf, I am thinking about this. We are aiming for 50/50 split in the household chores and cooking as well as decision making process and paying the bills. All the relationships that I know, have one person leading while the other follows (usually person A does most of the household chores but has almost zero say in the decision making or similar). Bf and me earn exactly the same amount. I joke often that I will ask for 1K raise just so that I can say I earn more Neither of us is really that dominant or a clear leader, yet I am probably deliberately more passive when it comes to moving the relationship forward (it was his idea to live together without me even hinting at all) but I digress. I just wonder if 50/50 idea is truly too idealistic...
rafallus Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Not exactly 50/50, but something about that and both parties won't care if it balances out to the iota, because they're happy anyway.
Cee Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Splitting the bills 50/50 is pretty easy, but the other stuff like taking the lead in decisions and chores is not as measurable. I'm guessing that you will negotiate this balance and recalibrate things as needed. I don't think people really would be happy with 50/50 anyway. There are some things he likes to do more than you and vice versa. It's about sharing the good, the bad, and and the boring, not trying to act exactly the same. I think being equally committed to the decision and making things work is important. That's a big reason I called off my move. My boyfriend didn't seem as clear on the decision and seemed too passive about it. Maybe it would have worked anyhow and he would have come around, but it seemed too big a risk. You said you were more passive. It's time to step up and feel like an equal partner in this decision. It's like when somebody takes on a new self-development project or business venture - they take responsibility for the process and the outcome, no matter where it leads. I had a fleeting thought about your move - it coincides with the first days of Spring, the season of new growth and hope. Good luck with your move this weekend.
torn_curtain Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 (edited) I think I prefer a 60/40 split with guys where he is ever so slightly more dominant but we're still pretty much on par. Whenever I'm really into a guy this tends to be how it splits. If I'm not into a guy, it's more like 70-me/30-him. Edited September 23, 2011 by torn_curtain
tigressA Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Bills are a snap to split down the middle. Chores and other responsibilities, not so much. Sometimes it will be 50/50, other times 80/20, etc. It could be your day to cook dinner, but you came down with a migraine. He fell asleep before getting to the dishes in the sink. And on and on. And like rafallus said, if you're happy it won't matter if it balances out precisely or not.
Kamille Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 (edited) 50/50 is hard to achieve. But we all have strengths and we all have weaknesses. For instance, I tend to be the kind to "deep clean" everything while my current roommate is better at keeping things tidy everyday. So she does the surface stuff and once a week, I sweep in, move the furniture around and clean everything in depth. (I know roommies and bf are not exactly the same but... Just the same). In past experiences living with partners, the same was true. The trick is to focus on the strengths. I feel there is an undercurrent of something that's completely unrelated to house chores and finances in your post, and certainly in TC's response. Who leads the relationship has little to do, in my experience, with who does what in the household and how finances are split. I would be worried if the two were linked. "Leading" relationships (which i understand here to mean: displays of caring) has little to do with sharing chores. I think it's pernicious to think of "caring" as a limited resource. Love isn't a zero sum game, love is productive. It's what the "languages of love" literature tries to tackle. I guess, for now, I would advise you to distinguish between relationship styles and household management. Two people can love each other deeply and still disagree (respectfully) on who's turn it is to do the dishes. IME, linking the two only leads to emotional manipulation and disastrous fights. Edited September 23, 2011 by Kamille
vsmini Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 No - when you pool together every aspect of a relationship and living together it will never be 50-50. When life gets hard and different factors come into play sometimes it will seem as if the shift is 80-20 or 90-10 or 60-40. It will always be a back and forth temporarily but in the end it should even out. In a committed relationship it is upon each of you to pick up the slack when it shows and not hold resentment. Of course this gets tricky and you have to be smart enough and wise enough to know if you're being taken for the fool or if this is just a rough patch where your guy needs your support. In a good relationship you can fill in to make up for that difference because you know that he'll have your back when you need it.
Art_Critic Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 The 50/50 thing is too hard to maintain.. Come up with a solution that you both can live with without gaining any resentment and all will be good. Before getting married in my 30's I had lived with a few women.. I always paid 100% of the bills and food and let the chores fall where they may.. I did the lawn and my own laundry, and helped some with the cleaning.. but other than that, the rest of the chores like shopping fell on the girl I was living with. As far as cooking.. they did the brunt of that but then again we also ate out at restaurants most of the time anyhow. I thought it always worked out well... the time I had lived with a GF varied from 1-4 years.
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Yes, you can split finances easily. Otherwise, I think it is more lovely to let each person take the lead in the areas where they are most comfortable and talented. It takes some time to find out how this will work with a couple. Keep communication open about this though, as resentment can creep in and build if one person starts to feel that the balance is uneven.
oaks Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 I just wonder if 50/50 idea is truly too idealistic... Get back in the kitchen!
make me believe Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 No, relationships can not be 50/50. I think aiming for a 50/50 split on things like chores and cooking is not only unrealistic but also unhealthy. Relationships aren't supposed to be about "I did xyz for you so you need to do abc for me!" "Well I cooked 3 times last week and you only cooked twice!" "Well I cleaned the toilet the last two times in a row!" ... Blah. I foresee a lot of arguments about menial things like who's turn it is to do the dishes if you both have a "50/50" attitude. Having a mental scorecard in your head is not the kind of attitude that fosters a healthy relationship.
OliveOyl Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 When my ex and I first lived together and got married, everything including finances and chores was around 50-50, or that's what we were striving for. We both worked, and there wasn't a sense of one partner being more dominant than the other. Then kids came along, and I left my job, and then one of our kids made it hard for for me to go back to work, and the dynamic really shifted. Our arrangement started looking more traditional (husband being the primary breadwinner, wife the homemaker), but that didn't work as well. Mainly because as a couple we worked better with the "modern/equality" dynamic than the "traditional" dynamic. (I think my ex secretly wished he could be the stay-at-home dad... he loved to cook and putter around the house and go shopping and run errands.) What's interesting to me is that I never had a strong desire to "tend" to my ex and "take care" of him. I would do housework and chores and other things around the house but it wasn't in the spirit of the relationship, it was more simply because the stuff had to get done. On the other hand I feel much more like "taking care of" my BF and can see a more "traditional" dynamic working better there. Maybe it's because the relationship is new? I don't know but it is different. (We're not anywhere near the stage of living together though, so it's all just food for thought.)
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