Younger Woman

[tradewinds]

I am 41 and interested in a woman half my age, but there are a lot of other issues.

I have been separated fromm my wife for about 2 years now. We have kids and get along well. A few months ago we decided to go ahead and file for divorce. Well there are a lot of issues with it and the system is really slow. We really were in no rush as we both are not in any relationships, so it wasn't a big deal entirely.

I travel a lot and spend a lot of time on line chatting with people I work with and friends as well as posting on specific forums.

I met a girl (never my objective on line) who really stole my heart (responding to a forum post). We really interact well. As time went on we moved from general discussions to personal life. We were both surprised that even though we live in different countries we both grew up in hostile homes and had the same life struggles. We also found out each others age as well as my marital status. Her culture is very strict and women are almost second class. When she found out I was married, she was kind of put off (understandably) although I told her about the separation and divorce proceeding (even offering to produce our court filing). She seemed very interested in how long it would take and seemed frustrated at my wife for dragging it out saying "you have to gets this behind you." For a couple of days after, she was upset. I asked her about it and she said "just this guy, let it go," and I did. At this point, we never talked about our feelings towards each other.

I shared a poem I had written a long time ago with her about moving on in life and not looking back. She asked to share a poem with me she wrote well before we met about a boyfriend she was in love with who moved away. What a love struck poem it was! She was so in love with this guy, but as I read it things didn't make sense. She said that she loved the sound of his voice although they have never talked, that she wants him to come back though he was never there and that she wants to meet him. I asked if they went out and she said yes. The poem is so beautiful and heart breaking. My friend said that it is surely me. I asked her about it (saying how much I like it and want to talk about it), but she would always change the subject or say she had to go I didn't want to pester her over it though). I finally couldn't take it and told her that points in it sound like "us." She hesitantly admitted it was. I asked her if she really felt that way towards me and she said (without answering the question) it was for us but that she doesn't see me as anything more than a friend because of our age difference and distance. She also said that she never wants to lose me as a friend and that I must keep her updated on my divorce. In addition, every since I mentioned marriage and divorce, she has talked about this guy she loves but cannot be with (she never brought it up the months before).

I think she will not tell me her true feelings because I am still technically (and legally) married. It's a moral and cultural thing.

I don't intend on pushing anything nor do I need to have a relationship prior to being officially divorced, but would like other peoples opinion.

Is it truly an age issue (me 41, her 20) as in there's no chance? What's you opinion on the age? Does love know time?

Is she really in love with me and just cannot say it?

I am without a doubt in love with her. It was an accident, I wasn't looking for it.

 

Here's the poem:

 

oh! my heart aches it wants to be loved, wants to be loved.

where are you my love, my body wants to feel you, my eyes yearn to see,

my senses are dying .I am withering ,dwindling away day by day waiting for you my love.

though we never talked , your voice is the most beautiful sound in this world for me..

your the only thing that runs in my mind throughout day and night, and no matter how much

i try i can't seem to escape from the thoughts of you my love.

Tell me love!...., Tell me you feel the same way for me,

Tell me how much you want me in your life , Tell me i complete you..

oh! why are you so quiet love!... Please say how much you love me.

Tell me you want to know how much i love you.

oh my love! there is something so mesmerizing in your absent presence, that i could spend my

whole life in this trance state. your thoughts make me numb to my surroundings.

The pain. oh the pain in my heart is excruciating. Please come back love, though you were never mine,

Your name makes me smile, i wish you were mine.

I would offer my all to you. All that i have would be yours, please be mine.

I will do anything , fight the world for you. Please be mine.

Now i understand the true meaning of love. Love is pain so i have learned.

Oh! gods of love. Tell my Lord how much i love him,

how much i desire him.

I am dying , every second i am dying, thinking about him.

His face.. his beautiful face is all i can see.., everything else is a blur.

I want to love you, i want to be with you. that is all i want in this life

O Fat! Take me away from this world where i cannot be with the person i love.

Take me to a place where i can meet him, be with him.

This unrequited love is a punishment for my sins !. and i will have to suffer forever.

why is loving you such a torture to my soul!

 

I want you to be happy love.i want you to be happy forever.

You are the one for me and if it is meant to be you will be mine one day ,

and i will be waiting for this utopia,where you and I will be conjoined.

Edited September 23, 2011 by tradewinds
Added poem

[coolheadal]

20 years difference is kind of pushing it. If you were 10, 15, 16 years difference That would be okay. But nice poem you have there. Also these girls who date guys older just have to be careful that they're not into your money and not you. I like to date younger than me since I don't look my age and they can't believe my true age. Hehehehehe. Still watch them and always have a 3rd eye on them. Test them and out with questions and make sure they're really digging you? If not drop them like a fly on the wall!

[FitChick]

Age has nothing to do with it. It's strictly a fantasy. A woman in another country is easier to cope with than a real live woman nearby. This one sounds demanding regardless.

 

You are having a midlife crisis. You aren't divorced yet. You shouldn't be making any major changes in your life for at least two years until you recover. That is standard advice to both men and women.

 

When she hears how much poorer you will be after the divorce, you will never hear from her again. My advice to separated people of both sexes is to date each other because neither wants anything serious and you can commiserate and help each other through a difficult process.

[tradewinds]

Age has nothing to do with it. It's strictly a fantasy. A woman in another country is easier to cope with than a real live woman nearby. This one sounds demanding regardless.

 

You are having a midlife crisis. You aren't divorced yet. You shouldn't be making any major changes in your life for at least two years until you recover. That is standard advice to both men and women.

 

When she hears how much poorer you will be after the divorce, you will never hear from her again. My advice to separated people of both sexes is to date each other because neither wants anything serious and you can commiserate and help each other through a difficult process.

No midlife crisis, I can promise you.

Why is it that according to all other women, all other women are tramps, money hungry unfaithful sluts?

[tradewinds]

Thanks Elysian Powder,

You are soooo right and well said!

[Stung]

No midlife crisis, I can promise you.

Why is it that according to all other women, all other women are tramps, money hungry unfaithful sluts?

 

What? I have no idea where you got THIS sweeping generalization out of the previous post.

 

The simple fact is, that anyone would be advised to be extremely cautious in a similar situation of being romantically wooed by a stranger from another, poorer country where they are part of an oppressed class. Comparatively wealthy and somewhat naive Westerners can look like giant walking passports to freedom to many people, male or female, and plenty of said Westerners have been manipulated for others' gain, it's a very old story. Now, your particular girl might in fact be innocent of such mechanations, she might have nothing but the best intentions and be motivated only by her strong connection to you, that's certainly in the realm of possibility--but be advised, you do sound like you need a little bit of a reality check here. You are a middle-aged man who is enamored of a will-o-the-wisp of the internet, a young fantasy girl in distress--enamored to the point where you lash out at anyone who even suggests her motives for attaching herself to you might not be absolutely pure. That suggests to me that you're closer to being in midlife crisis-land than you think.

 

It's possible that she's disappointed that you are not divorced yet for personal, emotional reasons. Yes, of course. I'd be disappointed if I was interested in somebody and then I found out he was still technically married, too. It is however also possible that she's disappointed that you're not divorced yet because it delays and complicates her own plans involving things like relocation, remarriage.

 

Does she love you? I couldn't say, there's just not enough real information here. Correct me if I am wrong, but your OP makes it sound like you have never actually met this girl in person--is that right? If you actually know her personally, that would add another dimension here. Anyway, the poem is angsty and lovestruck enough, but honestly, who can know how serious she is about it, or even if she wrote it herself? If she did write it herself and with you in mind, I would say that she loves you--or at least, she loves the idea of you, the fantasy of you, as the reality seems to be that neither of you actually know each other well enough to love each other yet. But that right there is the significance of the age difference encapsulated for you--you should probably be old enough to know the difference between infatuation, fantasy, and love. Other than that, I'd say your big issue right now is not so much about the age difference.

[coolheadal]

Forget the other countries how about a true blue American girl. There are some that like older men. There are some older women that like younger men. Can't stop the fact it happens. I myself don't want any one at my current age nor 10 years younger. 15 to 16 years is better for me. Most of them has 1 kid so finding one without one is an issue. I was talking to my Landscape guy and he's 42 single never married. He has this 33 year old he's dating. He gets a text from her saying" hey baby, when you coming home to me?" Can you give me $40 so I can buy gas for my SUV? I really need the money. He told me with a grin he wasn't giving her the money. Then had asked me did mind ever ask me for money. It told him no she's pretty good saving money and worried about wasting it. So this ideal thinking that the younger women going after older men for their money is hog wash. I don't buy it.

[tradewinds]

Here's a news flash for you. People have fallen in love with each other way before the Internet and Facebook. They had these things called LETTERS. Have you ever heard of LOVE LETTERS? People, especially during WWII, would fall in love with pen pals from back home. Some returned from war, courted and were married.

Falling in love is a lot of fantasy. Just can't go overboard with it.

I didn't wake up on my 40th Birthday either and say "this sucks, i need a new younger chick!" Age had very little to do with it (on my side). I surely don't want some 20's something to play head games with me and drag along their new adulthood drama either!

I didn't ask if people thought I was going through a mid-life crisis. I was asking about the age issue and the poem. If I want an opinion about the other stuff, i will ask. I am not here to defend my feelings or talk about female motives (i have enough experience in that area, thank you!)

BTW. The poem was about me. I have no chance with her either. Yes she loves me, but we both realize that a relationship is not possible even though we both wanted it. We are really good friends now that everything is in the open. She is adamant (more than I) that we remain in the bounds of friendship or she will cut off all contact. She just doesn't want to deal with broken hearts.

If she was wanting a ticket to the U.S., why didn't she have me prove I was getting a divorce and then start working her magic deception to ensure she was on the next plane after it was finalized?

Final note, I know plenty of women in the U.S., they (the ones I know), like some of the sampling on here, are not the material I am looking for. The girl I connected with could have been from the U.S. and I would have felt the same. We are global now, get use to it!

[Professor X]

I was asking about the age issue and the poem.

 

The poem sucks and you're way to old for her / she's to young.

[123321]

Go for it, I'm mid-40s and the woman I'm with now is just turned 22. Seems to be fine so far. The caution about gold diggers applies no matter WHAT age she is, in fact older gold diggers have their act down and are more worthy of caution.

[123321]

The poem sucks and you're way to old for her / she's to young.

 

After you compose a poem in say, Thai, get back to me

[Professor X]

Go for it, I'm mid-40s and the woman I'm with now is just turned 22. Seems to be fine so far. The caution about gold diggers applies no matter WHAT age she is, in fact older gold diggers have their act down and are more worthy of caution.

 

It's not a matter of gold diggers only. In your example, you're 18 years a part. We all know men mature more slowly than women and so, your age difference is even bigger.

You are simply in 2 different stages in your life, he could be with you now for various reasons: Milf, mom figure, you didn't play it hard to get, fetish, etc etc. Of course it could be that he actually loves you for who you are, but it's rare, and he won't even know it himself. Only time will tell and as such, you should proceed with caution.

[Professor X]

After you compose a poem in say, Thai, get back to me

Love when people answer this <3 it's so stupid

 

Why, do I need to be a file maker to know if a movie sucks or not? :lmao::lmao: /facepalm

Edited October 2, 2011 by Professor X

[123321]

It's not a matter of gold diggers only. In your example, you're 18 years a part. We all know men mature more slowly than women and so, your age difference is even bigger.

 

I guess we'll just add Thai poetry and math to the list of subjects you're not so great at.

[Professor X]

I guess we'll just add Thai poetry and math to the list of subjects you're not so great at.

Oh, mid 40s, read it as 40, my bad; So you're even older. Nice.

And yes, Thai isn't my thing at all. However, common sense for you isn't your strong side either, seeing that that's the best you can come with.

 

A 45 (though I'm sure you're more like 48) yo granny with a 22yo kid. Guess I can't blame you for going after shy virgin guys, easy pray.

 

**Waiting for you to tell me what a successful macho he is**

 

Edit: Here's a scary thought: By the time you're 70, he'll be only 47 (assuming you are 45). Wow.

Edited October 2, 2011 by Professor X

[tradewinds]

Well Professor-X,

My Father was 41 and married a 19 year old!

It lasted almost 2 years. For real. She was too mature for him.

No lie. I can't make this up....too funny...

[Professor X]

Well Professor-X,

My Father was 41 and married a 19 year old!

It lasted almost 2 years. For real. She was too mature for him.

No lie. I can't make this up....too funny...

I never said it can't last for x years, I just said it's super rare for 2 people with such age difference to actually be together forever.

If you're looking for something casual, than go for her, if you think she's gonna be your next wife than think again.

[tradewinds]

I hear you, just wanted to throw it out there because it's funny stuff. Yea, he was the butt of the jokes back then because she was 3 years older than me at the time. We couldn't be left alone!

[leftfordead2]

I am 41 and interested in a woman half my age, but there are a lot of other issues.

I have been separated fromm my wife for about 2 years now. We have kids and get along well. A few months ago we decided to go ahead and file for divorce. Well there are a lot of issues with it and the system is really slow. We really were in no rush as we both are not in any relationships, so it wasn't a big deal entirely.

I travel a lot and spend a lot of time on line chatting with people I work with and friends as well as posting on specific forums.

I met a girl (never my objective on line) who really stole my heart (responding to a forum post). We really interact well. As time went on we moved from general discussions to personal life. We were both surprised that even though we live in different countries we both grew up in hostile homes and had the same life struggles. We also found out each others age as well as my marital status. Her culture is very strict and women are almost second class. When she found out I was married, she was kind of put off (understandably) although I told her about the separation and divorce proceeding (even offering to produce our court filing). She seemed very interested in how long it would take and seemed frustrated at my wife for dragging it out saying "you have to gets this behind you." For a couple of days after, she was upset. I asked her about it and she said "just this guy, let it go," and I did. At this point, we never talked about our feelings towards each other.

I shared a poem I had written a long time ago with her about moving on in life and not looking back. She asked to share a poem with me she wrote well before we met about a boyfriend she was in love with who moved away. What a love struck poem it was! She was so in love with this guy, but as I read it things didn't make sense. She said that she loved the sound of his voice although they have never talked, that she wants him to come back though he was never there and that she wants to meet him. I asked if they went out and she said yes. The poem is so beautiful and heart breaking. My friend said that it is surely me. I asked her about it (saying how much I like it and want to talk about it), but she would always change the subject or say she had to go I didn't want to pester her over it though). I finally couldn't take it and told her that points in it sound like "us." She hesitantly admitted it was. I asked her if she really felt that way towards me and she said (without answering the question) it was for us but that she doesn't see me as anything more than a friend because of our age difference and distance. She also said that she never wants to lose me as a friend and that I must keep her updated on my divorce. In addition, every since I mentioned marriage and divorce, she has talked about this guy she loves but cannot be with (she never brought it up the months before).

I think she will not tell me her true feelings because I am still technically (and legally) married. It's a moral and cultural thing.

I don't intend on pushing anything nor do I need to have a relationship prior to being officially divorced, but would like other peoples opinion.

Is it truly an age issue (me 41, her 20) as in there's no chance? What's you opinion on the age? Does love know time?

Is she really in love with me and just cannot say it?

I am without a doubt in love with her. It was an accident, I wasn't looking for it.

 

Here's the poem:

 

oh! my heart aches it wants to be loved, wants to be loved.

where are you my love, my body wants to feel you, my eyes yearn to see,

my senses are dying .I am withering ,dwindling away day by day waiting for you my love.

though we never talked , your voice is the most beautiful sound in this world for me..

your the only thing that runs in my mind throughout day and night, and no matter how much

i try i can't seem to escape from the thoughts of you my love.

Tell me love!...., Tell me you feel the same way for me,

Tell me how much you want me in your life , Tell me i complete you..

oh! why are you so quiet love!... Please say how much you love me.

Tell me you want to know how much i love you.

oh my love! there is something so mesmerizing in your absent presence, that i could spend my

whole life in this trance state. your thoughts make me numb to my surroundings.

The pain. oh the pain in my heart is excruciating. Please come back love, though you were never mine,

Your name makes me smile, i wish you were mine.

I would offer my all to you. All that i have would be yours, please be mine.

I will do anything , fight the world for you. Please be mine.

Now i understand the true meaning of love. Love is pain so i have learned.

Oh! gods of love. Tell my Lord how much i love him,

how much i desire him.

I am dying , every second i am dying, thinking about him.

His face.. his beautiful face is all i can see.., everything else is a blur.

I want to love you, i want to be with you. that is all i want in this life

O Fat! Take me away from this world where i cannot be with the person i love.

Take me to a place where i can meet him, be with him.

This unrequited love is a punishment for my sins !. and i will have to suffer forever.

why is loving you such a torture to my soul!

 

I want you to be happy love.i want you to be happy forever.

You are the one for me and if it is meant to be you will be mine one day ,

and i will be waiting for this utopia,where you and I will be conjoined.

 

I'm sorry but that poem is just way too creepy...

[123321]

A 45 (though I'm sure you're more like 48) yo granny with a 22yo kid. Guess I can't blame you for going after shy virgin guys, easy pray.

 

**Waiting for you to tell me what a successful macho he is**

 

I guess we'll just add Thai poetry and math to the list of subjects you're not so great at.

 

... I'm mid-40s and the woman I'm with now is just turned 22 .....

 

Adding reading comprehension to the list, for the trifecta. Congrats.

[Lucky_One]

IMHO, she is awfully angsty and is totally romanticizing the R as it is. Something that is pretty typical of young women.

 

OP, I am glad that you both realize that there is no future for the two of you. In which case, it would be kinder and healthier for you both to break off contact. What's the current status?

[tradewinds]

We chat on occasion and have talked on the phone twice. Like I said in my original post, she's dealing with cultural issues at home and a somewhat abusive father. We have moved on but I really support her emotionally. The reason why we are so adamant about keeping this strictly a friendship is because she doesn't need to be co-dependent on someone else. She needs to build her future around her and no-one else. She will finish graduate school in 2 or 3 years. If she finds romance with someone along the way, great, as long as she stays focused on her goals and doesn't expect someone else to provide her security. Probably way too much info, but that should explain it well. I will remain there for her because she needs someone who honestly cares and listens to her. Someone she can trust. I have always been up-front with her and kept my promises. I am doing this because I got to know her as a human. I have no fantasies about the future with her except being the best friend I can be for her. I will not jeopardize that. My "physical" friends know my integrity and caring, I just can't represent it here.

[duckrepair]

So you're a middle aged man..going through a divorce. "Happened" to find a young Thai girl online to swindle into a romantic relationship with you. You didn't forthrightly tell her you were married. Since you state "when she found out you were married".. Sorry huge issue with married men posing as single at first. You should have forthrightly told her you were married. She's just as foolish as you are.

 

I dont know. something about all this screams creepy to me... the hiding of your marriage plus the young thai girl (pending thai bride?). For the record, i don't think she's a "tramp or money hungry unfaithful slut" as you so eloquently put it. I think she's a young, naive girl, thinking she'll have it all. And I'm not a betting woman, but I'd wager you surely built her fantasies up & helped her build castles in the sky...

 

And as far as your last post, about you're so "adamantly trying to keep it a friendship" conflicts with the first post since you're trying to extract feelings from this girl.

[tradewinds]

Duckrepair - Hey smarty. Why don't you read my post ignorant. I never said she was from Thailand. I never pose as single. In fact the forum we were posting on (and its not a dating site) has my bio which said I was married/separated. She was not looking for a hook up there and neither was I, so she never went looking at my bio.

I post on several forums because I like learning about various cultures, opinions and people. Yes, I deal with ignorant people like you on other forums as well.

It is only creepy because that is your limited perception of life. You can't believe there might be real people out there with feelings who are honest. Get back under your rock!

Edited October 2, 2011 by tradewinds

[duckrepair]

I just wanted to lock you post in so you can't come back in and edit it [yet again] And everyone can view how tactless you are

 

Why so defensive? ...